Flibbertigibbet

Hedging Our Bets

Friend: If Google merged with Apple, I would never sin again. I promise.

Flibbert: I will sin ALL. THE. TIME.

Optional Values

Fantasy Football Dude 1: Aren't you a Jets fan?

Fantasy Football Dude 2: Yeah.

Fantasy Football Dude 1: You don't have any Jets on your team.

Fantasy Football Dude 2: I'm playing for money.

Overheard in the Office

Sales Dude: OO! What is that?

Flibbert: Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

Sales Dude: Nice! That's like Golden Grahams, right?

Flibbert: Ummmm... Well, except it's Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

Overhead in the Elevator

Guy pushing out of the elevator: 'Scuze me

Flibbert: Great. Now I'm pregnant.

Coworker: He said 'excuse me.'

Flibbert: Words won't make the baby go away.

Overheard at the Gym

Flibbert to L'Italiana: You're the black lady that I aspire to be.

Overheard on Gay.com

Long-haired, Shirtless Dude hi. nice pic

Flibbert Thanks.
Flibbert Where'd your shirt go?

Long-haired, Shirtless Dude oops.... yeah, it was a momentary lapse of judgement
Long-haired, Shirtless Dude I must have been tipsy

Flibbert uh huuuuhhh...

Overheard in New York

This is a HUGE pet-peeve of mine and, unfortunately, I work near Times Square, so I encounter it a lot. I'm pleased to see someone doing something about it, but I still think that in order to be effective, one needs an electric cattle prod.

A tourist mom with three teens in tow halts in the middle of the block, causing two suits and several other people to crash into them.

Suit #1: For the love of God, move, you idiots! There are people walking behind you!

Tourist mom: You don't have to be so rude!

Suit #2: He's rude? You clearly see this is a busy sidewalk, and yet you stop dead in the middle and block all traffic!

Tourist mom: He didn't have to say it so rude -- we are not from around here!

Suit #1: And does that somehow excuse your being idiots and stopping in the middle of a busy street?

Tourist mom: At least we are not so rude in Tennessee!

Suit #2: That explains the idiocy, but it still isn't an excuse.

Tourist mom: That was unnecessary!

Suit #1: Perhaps, but it's true.

Suit #2: Here, maybe this is more polite: Welcome to New York. Slow walking idiots prone to stopping for no reason stay to the fucking right of busy sidewalks, and don't get in the way of the non-mentally impaired locals. Now fuck off.

Overheard at the Office

Tech Guy: So, you can access that server and just add the files.

Flibby: Um. No, I can't.

Tech Guy: Yes, you can.

Flibby: I really don't think I can.

Tech Guy: Have you tried?

Flibby: No.

Tech Guy: Try.

Flibby: How?

Tech Guy: Open this application...

Flibby: You know I don't have an account on that application, right?

Tech Guy: Oh. Well, then you can't do it.

Flibby: I didn't think so.

Overheard at the Office

Coworker: You don't want free coffee?

Flibby: I don't drink straight coffee.

[pause]

All my coffee is [waving arms and wiggling in his chair] GAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!

Overheard at the Office

Coworker: Flibby, where are you going?

Flibby: What?

Coworker: Are you going on vacation or something?

Flibby: Um. I'm just going to sit here at my desk. What are you talking about.

Coworker:Your suitcase.

Flibby: Oh! Yeah, I'm moving some stuff out to my apartment in Astoria this evening. I'm going to take a little vacation in sunny Astoria.

Coworker: Oh yeah? That'll be nice. You know, to get away for a bit.

Flibby: Yeah. It'll be relaxing. Take a little break...

Coworker: I heard there are Queens out there.

Flibby: I sure hope so.

ZING!

I'm here all week, folks. Remember to tip your bartenders!

Overheard in a Shoe Store

Ditz: Hi! Do you sell Jewelry?

Shoe salesman: No. This is a shoe store.

Ditz: But you used to?

Shoe salesman: shakes head

Ditz: Just a little bit?

Shoe salesman: shakes head

Ditz: leaving I'M SO CONFUSED!

Overheard at the Office

There's this guy I work with who is very smart, but very bitter and not reliable at all. He likes to be the guy who knows everything and is weighed down by all the idiots around him. He is just too busy and too smart to stick to silly things like project plans and deadlines.

Well, I got fed up with this and had to find someone else to help me on a project. He had a very simple, 15 minute request to fulfill -- something I would have done myself, but he has refused to train me on how to do it because he thinks I'm stupid -- but he said it would take him a "couple of days." That was four days ago, so I had to get someone else to help.

As soon as I wrote saying I was getting help elsewhere, he jumps in and starts responding quickly and completes the request.

So, in reference to this guy, this morning:

Flibby: Superman saves you all the time, not just when you threaten to go to Batman for help.

I guess that's funnier without the preceding rant about that asshole I work with.

Overheard at the Office

Coworker: So, if you're leaving on Friday, who will be here to help us next week?
Admin: Our MIS guy will be back on Tuesday.
Temp MIS Guy: So, you'll be on your own on Monday.
Coworker: Oh. That should be ok. We're pretty self-sufficient.
Flibby from other side of the cube: We almost never set ourselves on fire.

Overheard at the Office

Co-worker: Hey, Flibby! What's a Babicure?

Flibby: I dunno. An abortion?

These are the Last Days

Friend of the Devil: So, funny thing
Friend of the Devil: A mistake was made at payroll.
Flibby: Uh huh?
Flibby: A good one?
Friend of the Devil: They accidentally decided to cut me a random check for no reason. It is legitimately part of my payroll distribution for the month.
Friend of the Devil: So, when I get may paycheck, it will be less this ammount.
Friend of the Devil: It is neither good nor bad.
Flibby: uh
Friend of the Devil: Unless I want to invest the money and make a little extra interest.
Flibby: oooookaaaayyyyyy...
Friend of the Devil: So, guess on which day the check was issued.
Flibby: 6/6/6????
Friend of the Devil: Yes.
Flibby: THE DEVIL DID IT!
Friend of the Devil: And guess what the ammount was.
Flibby: $666.66???
Friend of the Devil: Yes.
Flibby: SATAN!
Flibby: SATAN!
Flibby: SATAN!
Flibby: The antichrist works at your company.
Friend of the Devil: And I could get no one there to explain to me even why the error happened.
Flibby: WhooOOOOoooooOOOOOooooo
Friend of the Devil: And they couldn't take it back. Once it's been issued, it's a check for good.
Friend of the Devil: So, basically, I'm screwed.
Flibby: They don't believe in cancelling checks?
Flibby: Why are you screwed?
Friend of the Devil: Because this obviously means I'm marked by the devil.
Flibby: Obviously.
Flibby: But you know what?
Flibby: It's not THAT bad
Flibby: Because if you're marked by the devil, you'll probably get rich and famous and have lots of hot girlfriends.
Flibby: From whose breasts you can snort cocaine.
Flibby: And you won't have to become Felicia!
Friend of the Devil: Just burn in hell.
Flibby: Just ask your new spirit father if you can live forever.
Flibby: Be sure to ask him to make you 25 years old forever, too. They're tricky with the immortality/non-aging thing.
Friend of the Devil: Good point.
Friend of the Devil: I have to get some work done for a bit.
Friend of the Devil: Chat later!
Flibby: Have fun doing the Devil's work!

Overheard in Instant Messenger

Flibby: One of my office mates and I are stalking hot guy*.
Flibby: It is funtimes.
Buddy: um
Buddy: careful.
Buddy: Sometimes they don't like that.
Flibby: Oh he does.
Flibby: Why would he dress like he wants it?
Flibby: His mouth says 'no' but his eyes say 'yes' and I don't care if his back is to me.

* I don't know his name. He just turned up today and is sitting in the cube across the way from me making my monitor all steamy. I hope he stays here a long time.**

** I also hope something horrible happens so that he has to sit in my lap tomorrow.

Overheard in Office Chat

In reference to the Viral Billiards Game that Ice Scribe showed us:

Flibby: My pet peeve isn't the direction but the speed.
Cow Oker: yeah.
Flibby: Sometimes, I just wanna tap it, not throw it at 100 mph around the screen.
Flibby: And also, I don't believe the balls are bouncing right.
Flibby:Like, according to physics.
Flibby:1) there doesn't seem to be any loss of energy on impact
Flibby:2) there's no compensation for spin, so the angles of the bounces seem to be off sometimes.
Flibby: But, I might be asking too much.
Cow Oker: yeah, i noticed that too
Flibby: And the balls look like boobs.
Cow Oker: hahaha
Cow Oker: a small complaint
Flibby: I guess they could look like vaginas and that would be really effed up.
Cow Oker:very effed up.

Overheard in the Men's Room at the Movie Theater

[cell phone rings]
Flibby: Hello?
Sales Guy: Hi! This is sales guy!
Flibby: This is Flibby. How are you?
Sales Guy: I'm fine.
Flibby: Is there something I can help you with?
Sales Guy: Your number came up on my phone a little bit ago.
Flibby: Huh. Maybe the phone dialed in my pocket.
Sales Guy: Oh.
Flibby: Well, have a nice evening!
Sales Guy: Yeah. I just called to wish you a good night. ha ha!
Flibby: I'm in the men's room at the movie theater, so I'm hanging up now.
Sales Guy: Oh. Yeah. That is weird. Bye!

Ordinarily, I would not answer the phone in the men's room, but I had just walked in and no one else was in there. But still. I'm getting weird in my old age.

Overheard in Email

Sales Support Specialist: I’ve actually had an RFP years ago that asked who our favor Brady Bunch character is. This question was buried in the Technical section of the RFP so I can totally imagine how it got there.

Flibby: Jan. Definitely.

Sales Support Specialist:I said the dog. We didn’t get the deal. I think the correct answer is Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.

Flibby:It’s always Marcia. But Marcia winds up on the front porch of her mobile home eating cheetos, smoking Virginia Slims, and married to Kevin Federline.

Jan is the winner because Jan get I.T. done.

Overheard on a Conference Call

Finance Guy: So, did they ever identify the bug in the software?
Flibby: Not yet. They're still looking but the last I heard they had exhausted all of the options they could foresee. They're baffled.
Finance Guy: So, is it still causing problems?
Flibby: Not really. The problem does not seem to have arisen again since the first major outage.
Finance Guy: Wow. So they don't know what it is. Maybe it's a phantom and it's just gone now.
Flibby: I guess we could say that but that's not really my understanding of how computers work. The bug is still out there.
Technical Support Guy: *snicker*

Overheard on the Sidewalk

Flibby: When are people going to trust their instincts and just know that I'm an asshole?

Overheard at a Dinner Party

Party guests are moving the couch to make more room.

Hostess: Don't be scared if you see a roach under there. I'm so embarrassed to have to say that.

Flibby: Roaches aren't you're fault. They're the fault of people who invent inadequate nuclear weapons.

Overheard at a Play

Flibby: Wait. He tells his wife that he hired a hit man to kill her? Rude!

That kind of thing is supposed to be a surprise. Way to ruin Christmas, dude.

Overheard on the Take-out Lunch Order Phone

Lunch lady: Alright. That will be ready in about 15 minutes.

Flibby: Sounds good.

Lunch lady: Ok. bye!

Flibby: Hey! Do you want my name or anything so you know who I am when I come get it?

Lunch lady: Um...

Flibby: Are you just going to give my sandwhich to whoever wanders in and lays claim to it?

Lunch lady: Well, I'm banking on the fact that not many people will be able to come in here and know what your order was, but if you want to give me your name, you can.

Flibby: Well, I DO like the idea of living life on the edge there with you, but I'm going to give you my name just in case. It's Flibby.

Lunch lady: Ok. See you soon.

Flibby: Thanks!

See? Ladies love me.

I wonder if she's hot.

Update: Who leaves the T off of a BLT? Insane!

Overheard in the Quick-e-Mart

Cashier: We have a $5 minimum on card purchases.
Flibby: Ok! Then I will buy anotehr gatorade!
Cashier: $5.28, please.
Flibby: So, why is there a $5 minimum.
Cashier: There just is.
Flibby: But why? What will happen if you try to run a purchase of less than $5?
Cashier: We just have a $5 minimum.
Flibby: I understand, but why? Is it the transaction fee for running the card?
Cashier: It's just...
Flibby: Because if there's a fee, I could pay that.
Cashier: If we run less than $5 we lose money.
Flibby: Right. So, it's the fee. I could pay the fee and not have to buy more than $5.
Cashier: We have a $5...
Flibby: I'm not talking to the right person to ask these questions am I?

Overheard on a Telemarketing Call

Flibby: Hello?

Pause

Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello. Ees Fleeber D. Jibb ther?

Flibby: That's me.

Telemarketer: Hello, Mees Jibb, I am calleeng from Discover Inter--

Flibby:Look. I'm not interested. And could you also take me off of your call lists?

Telemarketer: I'm so sorry miss. I will make a note of that.

Flibby:I'm also male. Perhaps you could make a note of that as well.

Telemarketer: Oh. I'm sorry for that sir.

Flibby:It doesn't matter. Good bye.

I was totally not in the mood for them this morning.

Overheard on the Phone at Work

Customer No-Service Manager: So, do you have a hurricane there?
Flibby: There is no hurricane in Atlanta at this time. It's way over near the Yucatan.
Customer No-Service Manager: Oh. So will you get any of it?
Flibby: It's like a thousand miles away. It's a little too soon to tell how much it will affect us at this point.
Minion:I heard that Wilma is the last name they have on the list.
Customer No-Service Manager: Ha ha! What will they do if another one comes? Start over?
Flibby: They will use Greek letters.
Customer No-Service Manager: Ha ha ha!
Flibby: That wasn't a joke.
Customer No-Service Manager: Oh. Ha ha! So, the next one will be like Hurricane "Eks Vee Eye Eye" and then Hurricane "Eks Vee Eye Eye Eye?" Ha ha!
Flibby: No. Those are Roman Numerals. Greek Letters: Alpha, Beta...

I do have to give her credit for starting to count at 27 in Roman numerals, though.

Update: Cleo set me straight. The Customer No-Service Manager didn't even get THAT right.

Overheard at Work

Director: This is a very explanative document.

Overheard at My House

Just when I thought everything was going so well with the roommates.

Flibby: Yeah, I've been to Peru. We went to Machu Picchu.

Male Roommate: WOW! That's cool. I've always wanted to do that. I heard they have giant rocks there that are so perfectly fitted together that you nothing grows between them.

Flibby: It's true. They're perfectly fit together. You can't even slide a piece of paper between them.

Male Roommate: How do you think they did that?

Flibby: Oh, I don't know.

Male Roommate: I do.

Flibby: Oh yeah? How?

Male Roommate: Giants.

Yes. He said "giants." He thinks those same giants built the pyramids, too. When I asked him how he figures that giants were there, he pulled out the Bible and started reading some scriptures to me.

There's more... stand by.

Overheard in my Office

Manager: I just want to make sure we're all in aggreeance...

Overheard on the Telephone

Scene: I lept out of the shower yesterday morning -- soaking wet -- to answer the phone.

Telemarketer: Mr. Flibbertigibbet, [pronounced incorrectly] I have a great offer! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...

Flibby: I'm not interested.

Telemarketer: But it's a great offer! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... [the same blah blah blah... as before]

Flibby: I'm not interested.

Telemarketer: May I ask why?

Flibby: I consider my interest alone to be primary in this circumstance.

Telemarketer: Excuse me?

Flibby: I am not interested and I consider that to be primary with regard to your offer. I simply have no interest.

Telemarketer: But it's a great offer! blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... [the same blah blah blah... as before] Do you understand the terms of this great offer, Mr. Flibbertigibbet?

Flibby: Oh yes. I am quite familiar with the terms and my level interest has not changed in spite of you repeating those terms thrice over now.

Telemarketer: Thank you, Mr. Flibbertigibbet. [Still pronouncing it incorrectly.] Is there anything else I can do for you today?

Flibby: You've done nothing for me today already. You've only interrupted my shower and kept me standing here cold, wet, naked, and dripping on the floor for 5 minutes listening to you repeat yourself in spite of me clearly stating my lack of interest. If this is your usual level of service, I would beg of you to please provide no more.

Telemarketer: I'm very sorry for the trouble, sir. Have a good day.

Flibby: Good day, sir.

I hate it for telemarketers. They're just trying to get paid. That's why I remain polite and don't yell. I let them speak and politely decline their offers. Bless their hearts!

Go, get you another job, Punjabi. Somewhere they won't make you call mean people who don't want your discount card! Go! Go, now!

Overheard at the Coffee Bean in the Alladin in Las Vegas

Aussie Lady: So, they gave me two 100 dollar bills. Is that bad?

Flibby: Yes, that's bad.

Aussie Lady: Why?

Flibby: Because it's hard to spend such large bills. You should get something smaller.

Aussie Lady: Well, your bills are quite large. Look at ours. [Holding out an Austrailian bill]

Flibby: Well, yours look counterfeit. See the plastic?

Aussie Lady: Of course it's plastic. You can wash it and everything.

Flibby: You can wash ours, too. They're made of linen and cotton. And they won't melt.

Noticing stares both blank and annoyed from the staff and the people in line behind us, I placed my order for some delicious peppermint ginseng tea.

Even though I hated the lady for taking so long to place her order (she really did) for some reason, I can't resist talking to strangers. It's a weakness.

My friends are often left not entertained by this habit of mine. *shrug*

Overheard in an Elevator in Las Vegas

Dude on Cellie: ... So, have you seen Steve? ... Where'd he go? ... Not the fat one! ... Dude. ... Well, I guess it happens to everyone.

Not really.

Overheard in Chat

Big Dude: I have a room in my house that I'd like to rent. Do you know anyone looking for a place in Gwinnett?

Flibby: Hm.

Flibby: I don't know of anyone off hand.

Flibby: But I don't really hang with homeless people.

I'm just saying.

Overheard in a Parking Lot

Flibby: Hi. I had a boot put on my car by mistake and I was wondering if you could come take it off.

Cute Parking Guy: What makes you think it's on there by mistake?

Flibby: Um. Because I have a parking pass right here in my windshield.

So, I was a little freaked. And then greatly relieved. And then I was kicking myself because I didn't have the good sense to stay and talk to Cute Parking Guy.

Overheard on the Telephone

Flibby: Hi. I am calling to make sure you're not some scammer trying to get my credit card information.

Heretofore Unknown Person Requesting My Credit Card Information: I would never do that.

Flibby: Ok. Here goes...

Here in the glaring light of afterthought my MBA is looking much less valuable.

Overheard at Work

Sales rep: What's the last thing you got from the client?

Flibby: A copy of some software that was ridiculously out of spec.

Sales rep: You say "ridiculously out of spec" like it's a bad thing.

Flibby: What I MEANT to say is that the software they provided was charmingly unique and completely lacking in pretension as it flouted convention for the sheer joy of existence like a space shuttle made of rose petals, butterfly wings and bits of gossamer collected in the morning dew.

Overheard in the Office

Vapid Coworker: I like Italian Rennaissance artists a lot, but I really like Dali. And I like them for different reasons. Dali is just able to imagine such warped and twisted things!

Flibby: That's exactly why I don't like him.

Vapid Coworker: heh heh heh. I won't hold it against you.

Flibby: Walking away Ha! I will hold it against you.

Suffice it to say that I tend to judge people by the art they enjoy. The person who loves Dali is a bad person.

Not Actually Overheard on the Phone

Flibby: Hi, Mom. What's your address?

Mama Flibby: You ask me this all the time.

Flibby: I know. I'm quizzing you.

Mama Flibby: Flibby, you used to live here.

Flibby: You're getting old and I'm testing your memory.

Mama Flibby: Coal for Christmas.

Overheard in the Office

Flibby
Did you know that I am a god?

I just found out myself, so keep it on the low-low until I figure out how to smite people.

http://flibbertigibbet.mu.nu/archives/054966.php

Our Favorite Piano Pedagogue
a god?

Flibby
Yes.

OFPP
lemme check this out.

Flibby
Like holier than all and creation and judgment and all that

smiting and what not.

And all verbs referring to me shall now endeth in 'eth'

So it has been said. Let it be done.

OFPP
I think that other gods might have a problem with this.

Flibby
Let them bringeth it, then.

You thought that other god was a wrathful, jealous god.

Hell hath no fury!

OFPP
like Flibby the god.

Flibby
Flibby: The God of Everything that is Worth Anything At All

And laserbeams.

Especially laserbeams

KABOOM!

OFPP
nothing's happening. Try again.

Flibby
Maybe not where you are...

But somewhere someone just had some serious thunder and lightning.

I need to work on my accuracy, but the power is there.

OFPP
That's amazing.

Flibby
Some say "Miraculous"

If I set my divine powers toward the success of my rap career, I think my fans shall calleth me "Miraculous F!"

OFPP
miracle schmiracle.

Flibby
I'm sorry. Did you just blaspheme?

I like you and all but don't think I won't have you smote to uphold the divine order of the universe I have created.

I know people who can do that you know -- like ME.

KABOOM!

OFPP
Some poor child in Africa just got blown to bits. Don't you think you're overreacting just a bit?

Flibby
It's part of my image I have to maintain.

It comes with the territory.

Since my power does span the known and unknown universe, I'm getting a sense that perfecting my aim is going to be a whole process of continual improvement.

OFPP
Practice makes perfect, but remember the babies.

Flibby
BABIES ARE SINNERS, TOO!

Actually... since I'm the boss, I get to change that rule.

Let it heretofore be known that there is no such thing as "original sin."

I should issue a set of commandments.

Number 1) Stay the hell out of my way.

um. I think that's all.

And it's ok if people put my commandment up in a courtroom, too.

OFPP
[OFPP brings us breakfast at the office every Friday. You can understand why I have her cannonized.]
Everyone's bitching about not having meat for this morning's breakfast. Can you turn them into cows?

Flibby
I think that's some Indian god's job, but I can give it a shot.

There is meat in this morning's breakfast.

I remember distinctly seeing all manner of pork product in there.

Pork is meat.

OFPP
Not enough apparently.

Flibby
Hi. Free breakfast. Shut the f!bomb up.

OFPP
Thank you! Ingrates!

Flibby
INFIDELS!

KABOOM!

OFPP
Ack! That was probably my nephew's dog.

Flibby
I hope not. I like dogs.

You can be a saint if you want.

OFPP
I AM a saint, thank you.

Flibby
See? That's the kind of attitude I like to see in my saints.

I hereby grant you liberty to do some miracles, too.

Not too much, though. I don't want people to forget who's in charge.

Saint of the Holy Order of Piano Pedagogy
Laserbeams, too?

Flibby

Oh yes. Definitely laserbeams.

Everyone gets laserbeams.

Saint HOPP
WHEEeeee!

Flibby
[She lent My Holiness a CD earlier and said that it's one of her favorites.]

This is a very good CD

Saint HOPP
What a relief! With this whole god development, I feared I might get blown to bits once I dismissed you as a friend. [In the event that I didn't like the CD.]

Flibby
Well, you'd just go to hell.

We could still hang out.

Saint HOPP
good to know, good to know.

Overheard in Chat

Buddy: Oh, did you hear about the english play that was playing in Athens this weekend? Shopping and Fucking?

Flibby: No.

Flibby: Because I'm not like that.

Buddy: It's about drugs and gay sex and dysfunctional relationships in London.

Flibby: They have lots of all those things in London, though.

Flibby: They're very close to Amsterdam.

Buddy: It features actual naked "simulations" of gay sex on stage.

Buddy: The performances this weekend were sold out.

Flibby: a "simulation" of gay sex?

Buddy: Like, they stopped short of penetration, since that would be illegal on stage.

Buddy: But they made it look like there was penetration.

Flibby: That's gay sex as far as I'm concerned.

Flibby: Why is that illegal on stage?

Buddy: I'm not sure why, but that's what somebody said.

Flibby: Hi, you bought tickets to a play called Shopping and Fucking.

Flibby: Also, rumor has it that it's about gay sex.

Flibby: I think they should be obliged to have real gay sex because of that.

Flibby: It's false advertising if they don't.

Buddy: hahaha

Buddy: And they should shop too.

Flibby: Yes. I need to see money changing hands in return for goods and/or services.

Buddy: I heard that they wanted to be a little modest, so they kept their shirts on while they simulated the intercourse.

Flibby: That's annoying to me.

Flibby: Like people who want to keep on their socks.

Flibby: I see no room for modesty in gay sex.

Buddy: If I were the director, I think I would have objected.

Flibby: Just scream, "GAAAAYYYY SSSEEEEEXXXXX!!!!"

Flibby: "Get to work!"

Overheard in Chat

Flibby: Why do plans to de-homosexualize folks start with gathering up a bunch of homosexuals and putting them all together? Don't they know that's exactly how plans for big, gay orgies start? Or maybe that's how they trick them into showing up... hm....

Overheard on Instant Message

Friend: I am at work, and my eyeballs are about to fall out of my head.

Flibby: Do you have the appropriate first aid equipment there to deal with that?

Overheard in a Meeting

Coworker 1: This table is like the last supper.

Flibby: I'm Jesus! Holding my arms out wide

Coworker 2: No, you're Judas

Flibby: I can't be Judas. Judas believed in god.

Coworker 2: I think Jesus believed in himself, too.

Flibby: (to myself) I wouldn't be so sure.

Overheard on Instant Message

Her: Hi! Wanna chat?

Me: Doubt it.

Her: Why not?

Me: Because women who IM you out of the blue on the Internet always want you to help them hook up the webcam the bought when their boyfriend dumped them and their sorority sisters came over to cheer them up.

Her: Ha ha! No. I'm a real woman. There's a picture in my profile if you doubt me.

Loooonnnng pause.

Me: Um.

Me: You appear to be male.

Great. 'Stupid' is written on my head on the Internet, too.

Overheard in a College Town

Hippie chick: Are you registered to vote?

Flibby: Indeed.

Hippie chick: I guess not.

This is proof-positive that hippies do not speak English.

Overheard in My Bed this Morning

Me: Wake up.

Me: No.

Me: Yes. Get up. It's Friday. One more day.

Me: Shut up. It's Saturday. I'm sleeping.

Me: It's Friday.

Me: It's Saturday.

Me: Why would I lie? Get up.

Me: Are you sure?

Me: Stop stalling. Get up.

Me: Maybe I can sleep a little more.

Me: You've overslept by an hour already. If I weren't so compulsive about being early for things you'd REALLY be late for work. Now get up.

Me: I could just tell my boss I thought it was Saturday.

Me: You're fired. Get up.

Me: You can't fire me.

Me: That's actually what he'll say when you try to tell him you thought it was Saturday. Who wants to employ a manager who can't remember what day it is? Get up.

Me: I don't even think he'll be there.

Me: He missed yesterday, so he'll probably be in today to remind us all that he still does work there. Get up.

Me: I don't want to get up.

Me: I don't care. Get up.

Me: It might actually be unhealthy for me to rise so suddenly. The blood will go rushing around in my head. It could cause a blood vessel in my brain to burst and then I'd die.

Me: I'll risk it. Get up.

Me: but--

Me: GET UP NOW.

Me: You don't have to yell.

Me: You don't know yelling. Get up.

Me: It's Friday. They should make a rule that sleeping in is ok on Fridays.

Me: Let me get this straight: You think there should be a rule that lets people sleep in on Fridays because you happen to have stayed up past your bedtime last night?

Me: Yes.

Me: Shut up. Get up.

Me: You're mean.

Me: You're lazy. Get up.

Me: If we combined our powers we would make a perfect dictator: Someone who sits on his ass all day and bosses people around.

Me: That's what we do now, but at the office. You're going to be 3 minutes late now. Get up.

Me: Just three?

Me: GET UP.

Me: How do you know it's three?

Me: Four now. Move.

Me: Won't it be exciting to go to the movies this weekend? We've not been to the movies alone in a very long time.

Me: We can talk about this in the shower or in the car or anywhere but lying in bed being a slackass.

Me: You're totally killing my buzz.

Me: You're making me sick of me. Get up now.

Me: *SIGH* Fine.

Me: Thank you.

Me: But maybe I should rearrange my pillows so they'll be nice and neat.

Me: I'm going to kick your ass so hard.

Me: What? You like things neat! I'm just helping.

Me: GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED THIS MINUTE!

Me: Fine. geez. You just had to ask.