Flibbertigibbet

Overheard in the Office

Flibby: If you tell anyone I'm looking at a new job, I'll punch you in the neck.
Office Mate: Yeah, whatever.
Flibby: Do you think your neck is really that hard to reach?
Office Mate: I'm a very confidential person.
Flibby: I'm looking for discretion. I don't care if anyone knows you or not.
Office Mate: Discretion is my middle name. Odd story...
Flibby: I love your parents.

Eeek!

I withdrew from school last night.

Here we go again!

Interview Tomorrow

I have a phone interview lined up at the new place for tomorrow morning.

As an aside, I've considered a lot of the advice, counsel, and generally probing questions of both my adoring fans (Jim, Ice Scribe, and those other two people) and come to the conclusion that the crazy plan to become an ivory tower philosopher with an intolerably realistic philosophy is, well, crazy.

I guess I could go on at length about values and their priorities in my life, but y'all don't really want to hear about that any more than I really want to spill my guts all over the global interweb super highway.

(I know, I've talked about urine and poop and all kinds of things here before, but this is personal. Unlike poop, which is very impersonal.)

Like the aforementioned crazy plan, I see many possibilities with this new plan. This new plan, however, has many, many, many more possibilities and will potentially fulfill many more dreams and aspirations and could very likely tie into some of the dreams I had when looking at the other plan.

So, even if this particular job opportunity doesn't pan out, I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do and that is... to get my tuition money back before classes start.

Good thing I updated my resume not long ago. A few more tweaks and we're in business. *ahem* You know what I mean.

It is going to be SO nice learning about new things and getting paid for it!

Update: The interview went well. We're supposed to do lunch next week possibly and I should have another phone interview with someone else soon, too. The bad news is that if I do get an offer, the start date will likely be middle to late January.

That's not all that bad, though. It will let me give Bosslady more notice.

Indecision 2005

Ok. I'm kind of freaking a little bit right now.

An awesome job opportunity just sailed my way. If I take the job, that means school is out of the question right now. But, if I take the job, it will probably mean more money, more opportunities, more fun stuff.

I want to learn about philosophy, but as the Ice Scribe pointed out to me, I can do that on my own.

I want to teach, but I already have a Master's degree, so I could probably go teach somewhere whenever I want.

I want to write. Hello. TOTALLY able to do that on my own.

I want to buy a small island in the Mediterranean and PhD's don't really do that.

Dr. Flibby sounds good, though, don't you think?

Not as good as Flibby, bazillionaire and greedy-ass sumbitch, though, right? I know. I'm checking more into this. We'll see how it plays.

Requirements for Hosting Christmas in Flibby's Family

I have been trying to get my family to come to my house for Christmas since I bought the place about 30 months ago. The following list comprises the list of excuses and complaints my mother has posed to me. They also occur in the order in which they were received.

- You must have television and not just a television box hooked up to a VCR or DVD player. It has to have reception on several channels.

- You must have beds for people to sleep in. For the record, I've always had a bed for most of them to sleep in and I offered to sleep on the couch so they would all have actual beds, but that wasn't good enough. Further, they don't have enough beds for everyone when I go there to visit, so I don't know what's up with the double standard.

- You HAVE to decorate for the holidays. Not just a little, either. You have to have lots and lots of lights and they have to be both indoors and outdoors. Multi-colored lights are prefered, but not required.

- You must have a non-white shower curtain and rug for the bathroom or mother will complain about it being too "sterile." Never mind the fact that no one wants a bathroom that looks infected.

- You must have food they like. If you don't know what food they like, tough. You'd better go upgrade your mind reader software because they won't tell you, but they will be UPSET if you don't have what they want.

- You MUST have an intinerary of activities planned. Forget that Christmas has never had an itinerary before, but if they're going to drive four hours to come to your house, you'd better have something better than a ton of food, presents, television, decorations, and beds to sustain them.

Suffice it to say, I have met their demands and they are coming up on Saturday for the holiday. Now, I just have to make sure everything is clean and in order for their arrival, so I'm taking the day off on Friday to make sure it's all ready to go.

And, you know what? It's going to be an AWESOME Christmas. It will be more comfortable and action-packed than any other Christmas we've had. I just hope everyone is on their best behavior. Not that it wouldn't be hilarious for them to be acting the fool, but as the host, that causes me a small bit of irritation to have to clean up blood on a holiday.

I Disagree

Face Recognition

I do NOT look like Jason Biggs.

Wintry Mix is Coming!

Run away! Run away!

Have You Ever Noticed...

that girl seals always wear pink bows on their heads?

I wonder if there's an evolutionary explanation for that.

Productivity Weekend

Y'all, I totally rocked out this weekend. I got so much stuff done, it's crazy. I:

- Cleaned my entire house.
- Which includes my office, which was a disaster from not having filed anything since, like, March.
- Painted my foyer.
- Hosted a dinner party.
- Wrapped all the Christmas Presents.
- Finished putting up all of the Christmas decorations.
- Which includes finishing up the lights outside.
- Had 1/2 cord of firewood delivered, which I helped stack in the garage.
- Read the David Kelley essay "A Question of Sanction."

Dude, it was awesome.

I don't know what I'm going to do this next weekend to top that, but I've already picked out the paint for my guest bathroom and there's that blasted stained glass window project I have yet to complete. Plus, I need to plants shrubs and do some homework. And I need to plan the menu for Christmas.

I'm starting a list... you better stand back!

On Television

Nicole won America's Next Top Model. Tyra Banks and her gaggle of jiggly-puffs and whatnot are clearly insane.

Nicole is pretty, don't get me wrong, but she's not all that. Kyle was hotter than her. Kim was more exotic and versatile. Lisa was more dynamic. Nik was more professional and more competent. Jayla was even more interesting to look at.

Nicole just looks like the most generic teen magazine model you could imagine.

I was not impressed at all. It came down to Nik and Nicole and Nicole won. Whatever. So wrong.

But then the premiere episodes of Project Runway were on, too. (I'm very tired. I stayed up way late last night watching these shows.)

I love Diana Eng's direction and concepts. She's inexperienced, though. At first, I thought she would have problems with time constraints when it comes to the challenges because she likes to plan things out so much, but on the first challenge, The Clothes Off Your Back, she did well and her design was surprisingly fluid and fresh. Still, if she's not careful, she'll get bitten by that, just like how Daniel F. will get hurt by trying to be so meticulous. Also, Diana needs to be careful with her attempts to integrate non-standard technology into her clothing. Her first design submission was awesome, but the magnets failed. Watch out!

Daniel F., you need to bring your stupidity down a notch. I hate you. But your designs are so sleek and elegant! You also need to watch the clock, but I can't argue with that kind of craftmanship.

Santino! I love the fire! Generally, your work is relatively awesome -- relative to the rest of the fashion world. It's not really my cup of tea because I have much different taste and an appreciation for the purpose clothes serve, but I think you might actually win.

Andrae is going to be our drama. Santino was laughing at him during the judging and I was, too. Andrae might get kicked off, though, because that dress he made sucked completely.

Zulema is also drama. Zulema is not good enough to justify all that drama. Hilarious!

Anyway, I have stuff to do. Just wanted to keep you posted on TV.

Imagine My Surprise

On my walk down to Starbucks this morning, my friend and I saw a truck for BeavEx.

We spent the rest of our jaunt trying to figure out which building had a beaver infestation.

Imagine our surprise and disappointment when we got back and looked the company up on the internet. I understand how homing pigeons might be associated with courier services, but I am skeptical of the connection between beavers and deliveries.

Some fun facts about beavers:

- Beavers may grow to be as large a house a live for up to 6 years eating nothing but cheetos.

- Beavers eat mostly trees, though, and when they do, they spew wood chips all over the place, making a horrible mess.

- Since Beavers cannot live on trees and cheetos alone, they balance their diet with children.

- Beavers have been trained as Al Qaeda operatives with mixed results. Apparently, upon detonating their bomb vests to destroy a dam, several beavers will rush over to repair the damage, which keeps property damage to a minimum.

- Beavers are more than a little pretentious.

- Many beavers are nudists.

- Unsurprisingly, Matthew McConaughey has several beaver friends; beavers have good weed and they also have an advantage when it comes to playing bongos due to their large, flat tails.

- In late 2005, beavers were blamed for causing Paris Hilton's boyfriend to wreck her car. Lindsay Lohan has no such excuse.

- Beavers are communists and once teamed up with the Sandanistas in Nicaragua to cause mayhem there. Beavers + rainFOREST = Mayhem. Trust me.

- Beavers were granted to right to vote in 1938.

Update: Beavers are Canadian.

Southern Expressions You Need

For some reason we were talking about Southern expressions the other day and I compiled this short list of ones that came to mind:

So crowded you can't cuss a cat without getting fur in your mouth.
Really crowded.

Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Really busy.

Slicker than snot on a doorknob.
Really slippery or really tricky.

Colder than a witch's tit in a brass brassier on the shady side of an igloo.
(Often shortened) Really cold.

Meaner than a striped snake.
Really mean.

As serious as a heart attack. Also As serious as cancer.
Really serious.

A gully-washer
A heavy rain.

So stupid that you couldn't pour water out of a boot if the directions were written on the heel.
Really stupid.

Two shakes of a dogs tail
A short amount of time.

A month of Sundays
A long period of time.

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice
Not very smart at all.

Better than a sharp stick in the eye.
Not the worst thing in the world.

Bless her/his heart
May be used as an expression of genuine sympathy or appreciation of something cute, but generally used prior to saying something mean.

For example, "Bless her heart, but she didn't have to leave the house like that." Or "Bless his heart, if you put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six-lane highway."

As ugly as a can of mashed ass.
Quite unpleasant in appearance.

As nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Really anxious.

Actin' like you ain't got no mama.
Misbehaving shamelessly.

About How I Came to Work Naked

I just do not have it together this week with regard to bringing everything I need with me to the gym and work.

Yesterday, I forgot my towel, so after I showered, I had to slough as much water off of my skin as I could with my hand and then just get dressed wet.

Today, I forgot all of my underclothing. I don't have a t-shirt and I don't have underwear. I have shirt and pants and socks and shoes, but no underclothes.

I feel naked.

It's cold out and all of these cool drafts are hitting parts of my body that aren't supposed to experience drafts...like my belly. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Still. I hope tomorrow I remember all these vital things before I leave the house.

The Vengabus is Coming

Be out front with your bags in five.

Tis the Season -- For Fun Musical Things on the Global Interweb

First of all, the Gay Boyfriend music video.

I'm tired of boys who make me cry.
They cheat on me and they tell me lies.
I want a love who will never stray
When he sees other girls he looks away.
And if he never kisses me, well, that's alright
Cuz we can just cuddle all night!

Chorus:
Gay boyfriend!
Gay boyfriend!
I don't really care that you are queer!
Gay boyfriend!
Gay boyfriend!
I never feel lonely when you are near!
La! La! La! La!

Go see it now because there is also talk of tight pants and the Tyra Banks use of the word "fierce."

Hilarious!

And, if you are made uncomfortable by the stirring in your loins caused by sing-songy sing-songs about homosexual men, here's something more in the Christmas spirit:

It's a house's Christmas lights set to rock music.

Most excellent!

Happy Monday, everyone!

Notice Has Been Given!

Well, I met with my boss and told her about my plans and she was very reasonable.

She was supportive and congratulated me on my pursuit. She was rightfully cautious and wanted to make sure that my schedule would not strain my ability to support my duties at work and asked that I send over a proposed schedule.

Our meeting took place immediately after she recieved a GLOWING letter of praise from one of my customers:

Good Morning [Bosslady]:

I want to let you know how much I appreciate [Flibby]’s consistently positive attitude. In addition, the amazing job he does on demo’s for clients and his knowledge level of [widgets]. He also exhibits great ability to be a consultant to [paying customers] and let them know what makes a [widget] effective. Recently, [Flibby] did a demo of [the Robustitron] for a prospect of mine and I was blown away. He did a great job.

[Flibby] is also very responsive to helping me with questions and pricing. He is a great asset to this company!

Thanks so much [Bosslady] for keeping [Flibby] happy and here at [Micro-Mega Corp Inc.]!!

[Customer who now moves to the front of the line every time.]

I think a supervisor in Bosslady's position is rightfully cautious, but we went over my job description and the daily demands of my job and I think she was put at ease.

I also told her that if this arrangement was not amendable to the company that this should be considered notice to begin planning my "transition," which given that classes don't start for over a month, I think she appreciated the advanced warning.

She did make a remark about how happy she was that I was being so "mature," which I kind of took in a back-handed way. I couldn't tell if she was making a remark about Director Dan and that Asshole who both gave frightfully little notice before leaving or if she was referring to the fact that I had been raising hell about Director Dan before he left in a way that did not make her life easier.

Anyway, I think it's going to work out.

Woohoo!

D-Day!

Today is the day that I talk to my boss about my plan to go back to school and shift my work schedule around my class schedule.

I don't think this will be a problem, but I'm still nervous.

Woo!

In Which We Play Doctor

Sometimes I share too much.

I am a person who isn't disgusted by diseases and surgery. There are a few things associated with disease that make me want to puke, but generally, I am of strong fortitude and I haven't the good sense to know when it it appropriate to talk about these things.

Well, this morning in the break room, I was chugging OJ. Between gulps I was explaining to one of my coworkers that I think I am a little dehydrated since I ran out of things to drink at my house (Yes, I know about the magic thing over the sing that makes water.) and so I've only had fluids while at the office. Even though I drink a lot of water at work, it's not enough.

Of course, they wanted to know why I thought I was dehydrated.

Well, the reason is because my urine has been smelly and more yellow than usual. Not smelly like I ate asparagus or anything, but just smelly urine smell. The smell, I guess, is a little more worrisome to me than the color, but I'm not a doctor. I've also not had to urinate as much as usual. The other day, I think I only peed twice. In the whole day!

I've also been exercising more and not eating and drinking enough. The most likely cause, since nothing else regarding my health seems to have changed, is that I'm not getting enough fluids.

Not getting enough fluids, in my untrained opinion, is bad bad bad. You have to get enough to drink to have good skin and to fight diseases and to just generally keep your body running like it should.

So, I'm prescribing myself lots of fluids and no alcohol for the next few days.... to get rid of the smelly, darker urine.

And, it may surprise you, is not a topic my coworkers either care about or wish to dwell on at any length.

And yet, here you are reading about it on my blog. Funny, huh?

Hot Guys

Jennifer Garner got me thinking about Ben Affleck, which also made me think about Michael Vartan.

I'd rather have Michael Vartan than Ben Affleck.

Which, of course, made me think, I'd rather have David Morse than either of them, though. (You know how the mind tends to wander.) I know, he's like 87 years old (Actually 47, I know).

It's a sickness. I admit it. I own it. I wallow in it. He's just sooooo... Mm! Mm! Dreamy. That's the word I was looking for.

He's gotten better with age, too. When he was younger he wasn't so hot. Now, he's smokin' hot.

Um. What was I supposed to be doing? Work or something...

Happy Day!

Super-gorgeous, the spy who could turn me, Jennifer Garner has finally given birth to a bouncing baby girl.

It's about time. I was really getting scared for her. It's been like a year and a half that she's been hauling that thing around.

Jennifer, if you're reading, you're beautiful; I love you. Congratulations! (Call me!)

P.S. I was not reading e!Online. All of my celebrity gossip sites are completely disreputable. I would not be caught dead reading MSM gossip. At least not reading it before the rest.

Update: Rumor has it that the child's name is "Violet Ann Affleck" and not "Estrella Bucks Garner" as I had requested.