Flibbertigibbet

Any Hot, Gay Marines?

Well, my other cousin wrote me a note today telling me that 1) he doesn't care that I'm gay and 2) he's may be heading to Iraq soon. I asked him to hook me up with any hot, gay marines he might know.

I swear, if sodomy doesn't piss off the rednecks any more, I don't what I'm going to do. I mean, I half signed up for the sodomy just for the drama, right? Naturally, the other half was for the sodomy itself. With the hot, gay marines.

Oh! And I called my mom to let her know that the cat is out of the bag and she was mostly not interested in that story. Instead, she wanted to regale me with stories of one of my cousins who is threatening to propose to his girlfriend. Apparently, she wants to get engaged, but she is also in pharmacy school.

It's puzzling to me that someone would have the goal of "getting engaged." It seems like the goal should be "getting married," but according to my mom, she just wants to get engaged.

I saw this would-be pharmacist's picture on MySpace, or at least I think it's the same girl, and my theory is that she's actually a stripper and she wants to pawn the ring to pay her cable bill. That's the kind of girl he seems to get involved with and the cover of the book suits the genre.

So, I think his misguided romances will provide us with more exciting family gossip than my attraction to the more rugged sex. Unless, of course, someone can persuade one of my crazy aunts to forge another letter from my dead grandmother and send that to me.

Drama Called Off on Account of the Weather

Or something. I called my mom last night to tell her that Cousin Booger knows I'm gay.

She really didn't have much of a response. I was hoping for some kind of wailing and gnashing of teeth or at least a flurry of mascara.

No, instead she started telling me about how Cousin Booger is thinking of proposing to his girlfriend. I think that would probably be another in a long line of unwise or ill-timed decisions in his life, but that's his business.

So, it's looking more and more like the rednecks I'm related to aren't going to make this the show I really wanted it to be. I think if I were actually there to stir the pot, then things might be more exciting. As is, I doubt I will hear much more about it.

*sigh*

The weather man better not be lying to me again about the snow or this will be one big week of disappointment. It's supposed to snow some more today and later this week, but I've heard that static before.

They KNOW!!!

Well, my younger cousin, Cousin Booger, also found my MySpace page today and he sent me a friend request. At the moment he sent it, he didn't have a picture, so I didn't know who it was.

After he identified himself, we had the following email exchange.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cousin Booger
Date: Jan 29, 2007 1:29 PM

so now dat cha know who you're talkin to, did you want to be my friend? You're profile revealed some things that hit me a little hard when I found out. The way I see it is it is your life and you don't have to feel wierd if you get around me. I still love ya because you are family and always will be.

At this point, I'm somewhat relieved because he's clearly going to be an adult about it. There's no telling what the rest of the family will think or do, but at least this one is hopeful.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Flibby
Date: Jan 29, 2007 1:33 PM

My parents specifically asked me not to tell anyone else in the family that I'm gay, but with the internet (Woohoo!) it's just not possible to keep something so significant a secret forever.

My opinion is just as yours: It's my life. You know I struggled with it for a long time but part of realizing that I am gay and stop trying to lie to myself about it. It means that I have to be honest and true to myself only. If other people have a problem with it, then it's their problem. My happiness is not contingent upon other people's approval. And I am very happy now.

I'm glad to hear that you don't have a problem with it. That is certainly not how my dad expected you to react.

- Flibby

But I wanted to make it clear to him, should he speak with anyone else, that their bad opinions matter little to me. I could have been more snotty and pointed out that because I haven't seen most of them in several years, their good opinions are also largely irrelevant, but I have manners.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cousin Booger
Date: Jan 29, 2007 1:40 PM

Well I am a little wiser now than I used to be. I thaink that is the best part of growing up, you live and learn. Like I said, it is your life, so it doesn't matter if I am offended as long as you are happy with your decision I can't say anything that you don't already know. And I don't intend to!!!

Emphasis added.

Um. Offended? Why should HE be offended by MY homosexuality?

But don't let's make mountains out of mole hills here. He probably doesn't mean "offended." He probably means that he's not gay and probably thinks that it's a sin. That is something completely different.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Flibby
Date: Jan 29, 2007 1:43 PM

I'm also atheist. I forget that some people might get upset by that, too. Again, happy with that decision, too.

So, there you go.

If there is anything you want to ask me to understand better, please feel free. You know I'll be frank with you, particularly now that I don't have anything to hide.

- Flibby

Again, I'm being gracious. I really need to call my mom and let her know. I forgot to call her last week.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Cousin Booger
Date: Jan 29, 2007 1:49 PM

Like I said, I'm happy if you are happy. Besides to be honest with you I think that most of the family already had some speculations about the subject. I'm not sure if Uncle Jackass knows, but I don't plan on being the one that tells him.

Between us, I think Uncle Randal also suspects. He's not a complete jackass. Well, yes, he is, hence the name, but he's not a total idiot.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Flibby
Date: Jan 29, 2007 2:05 PM

I tend to think that if someone can't guess that I'm gay, then they probably aren't participating in reality like the rest of us.

I mean, come on. I'm not the butchest guy on the block. I haven't had a serious girlfriend.. ever. I don't talk about women in any sexual way. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to do that math.

Even so, both my mom and dad asked that I not proactively tell people in the family. I don't care if other people know, but I think they are worried about that some may mistreat me or be rude in some way. Dad's side of the family, especially, isn't renown for its social graces or understanding.

I do appreciate that you are accepting of the fact and, as mentioned, if you're puzzled or concerned about it in any way, please let me know. I would be happy to explain things as well as I can in an effort to dispel some of the ridiculous and wrong ideas that some people have (and I even thought at one time) about what it means to be gay.

- Flibby

He couldn't discuss it further because he was at work. He said we'd chat again another time.

So, anyway, it looks like it's going well. But my parents will probably still freak.

Whatever. I just want to know what drama goes down so I can blog about it.

I'm a Dirty Hippie

Which Dead Rock Star Are You?

You're Mama Cass Elliot, hippie chick singer from the Mamas and the Papas.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |
Join

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

I Am Soooo Over It

I am so ready to go home right now.

I have no meetings today. My account teams are all off site with the client. My projects are all up-to-date and on track. I have next to nothing to get done here today.

I'm so over this.

Hell, even my boss just sent me a You Tube video to watch...

Philosophy is the Talk on a Cereal Box

Remember how before I moved to New York, I was going to go back to school to study philosophy and art history? But with the whole career thing moving forward again, that plan was sidelined.

Well, the other night I was talking to my mom about my new apartment and how I will save a lot of money on rent.

She suggested that with the extra money, I could do all kinds of stuff including take classes.

I agreed and said that I might like to take some cooking classes or something like that.

But she followed it with, "But you could find somewhere to take some philosophy classes. You enjoy it and philosophy will help you in anything."

I was so surprised, that I really didn't respond. She wasn't very supportive of the notion of me going back to school, so for her to suggest that I take classes was really unexpected. I know that her primary concern is my career. Her lack of enthusiasm for going to back to school was largely a response to the idea of me not having a job. Even so, this was a pleasant, apparent change in direction.

She's right, though. I've wanted to take classes from ARI for a while. Perhaps I will take that up this year... We'll see.

Out to the Family

Well, here's a little crisis I haven't encountered in quite some time: I've been outed to someone in my family.

My MySpace page makes my sexual orientation pretty clear and one of my cousins recently added me as a friend.

Adding to the hilarity of this situation, he's one of the cousins my mom and dad specifically asked me not to come out to.

Apparently, they won't understand. I just can't wait to have the conversation that starts with, "You see, when two men like each other very much..."

I haven't seen this cousin in over five years. And it doesn't make that big a difference to me personally. But I guess I will have a conversation about it with my mother later just to give her the heads up. I'm not sure how she's going to react. I'll keep you posted.

Get Your Hairs Did!

So, I went to the haircuttery today. No, I didn't get a buzz cut because, as mentioned, I really do look stupid with it.

But I told my stylist, Robb, (Why he has two B's, I do not know.) that I wanted my hair cut short. So, he did his thing and he said, "How's that?"

And I said, "Robb with the inexplicable two B's, I think you can go shorter than that. Let me tell you: I was this close to going and just getting the whole thing buzzed."

He understood completely and went and cut some more off.

LOVES IT.

It is a most excellent haircut and as close to a buzz cut that I think my facial structure can handle. Plus, it's long enough on top that I can actually style it a little bit.

So, anyway, no buzzcut this time, but I love my new hair cut!

Happiness is Just Around the Corner

Ok. If you are, for whatever reason, a little bit sad or bummed out, here's what I want you to do:

Put on your headphones or crank up your stereo and play the song "We Like to Party" by the Vengaboys.

We like to party
We like, we like to party
We like to party
We like, we like to party
We like to party
We like, we like to party
We like to party

Ive got something to tell ya
Ive got news for you
Gonna put some wheels in motion
Get ready cause were coming through
Hey now, hey now, heres what I say now
Happiness is just around the corner
Hey now, hey now, heres what I say now
Well be there for you

The vengabus is coming
And everybodys jumping
New York to San Francisco
An intercity disco
The wheels of steel are turning
And traffic lights are burning
So if you like to party
Get on and move your body

We like to party
We like, we like to party
We like to party
We like, we like to party

Hey now, hey now, heres what I say now
Happiness is just around the corner
Hey now, hey now, heres what I say now
Well be there for you

The vengabus is coming
And everybodys jumping
New York to San Francisco
An intercity disco
The wheels of steel are turning
And traffic lights are burning
So if you like to party
Get on and move your body

The vengabus is coming
And everybodys jumping
New York to San Francisco
An intercity disco
The wheels of steel are turning
And traffic lights are burning
So if you like to party
Get on and move your body

We like to party
We like, we like to party
We like to party
We like, we like to party
We like to party
We like, we like to party
We like to party
We like, we like to party

The vengabus is coming, the vengabus is coming
The vengabus is coming, the vengabus is coming

The vengabus is coming
And everybodys jumping
New York to San Francisco
An intercity disco
The wheels of steel are turning
And traffic lights are burning
So if you like to party
Get on and move your body

The vengabus is coming
And everybodys jumping
New York to San Francisco
An intercity disco
The wheels of steel are turning
And traffic lights are burning
So if you like to party
Get on and move your body

The vengabus is coming

If you are able and it is an appropriate place for you to do so, take off your clothes and dance around in your underwear to this song.

You will feel better. I promise.

New Apartment Pros & Cons

Cons

• It's not Manhattan.


• I will have 2 roommates.


• The apartment is kind of run-down and needs a bit of help.


• I haven't met one of the roommates yet.

Pros

• The apartment is pretty big.


• My bedroom has a view of the Empire State and Chrysler Buildings.


• The roommate I've met is cool.


• The neighborhood is nice and the apartment is near a movie theater, the gym, two subway stations, and other neighborhood amenities.


• Roof access!


• My room is pretty big.


• SUPER cheap rent. I don't usually like talking about money, but I will save over $1,000 a MONTH by moving. A MONTH! That is a lot of clothes.


• No lease. This is a little scary, but it also means I could move out if it doesn't work. I think it'll work, though.

So, I'm pretty excited about this. I think it'll be cool and, of course, I will blog about it.

It's Official: I will be a B&T Person

Yep. I'm going to buy some sweat pants and several gold chains cuz I'm moving out to Queens. Astoria to be specific.

I went back out to the apartment last night with a friend of mine. Then we went to dinner to discuss the pros and cons. At the end of it all, I came to the conclusion that the opportunity is a good one and I should take it.

So, I will head out there in February to start cleaning up my room and painting the walls a color I can stand (right now they're an awful powder blue) and getting the place ready for my stuff.

I have to run to work, so I will have to tell you more about this later.

Did I Mention I'm A Dumbass?

For the past several months, I've been planning my apartment hunt. I moved in on March 15th last year and so I planned on signing a new lease to start March 1 this year and then I would have two weeks to move and get the old place cleaned up.

Until last night, it didn't strike me that it would be very unusual for a lease to start March 15th and not because it's the Ides or anything. So, I checked my lease and it ends March 1.

That means that I need to get a place for February. Even if I move in February 15th-ish, the lease will likely be for February 1.

Also, I have to tell my landlord that I'm not renewing 30 days before expiration and since February is a short month, I don't have as much time as I thought.

AND THEN my landlord requires that if I'm not renewing that my signature be notarized. Such a hassle.

Anywhoodles, I'm checking out two apartments today, but I saw another one late last night that I hope gets back to me pretty quick. It's a bargain down in the East Village.

Naturally, I will keep you posted.

A Poem about Hair

Apropros to recent posts, reader Sompopo shared this hilarious poem about hair:

I'm aware some stare at my hair In fact, to be fair, some really despair of my hair But I don't care For they're not aware Nor are they debonair In fact, they're just square. They see hair down to there and go off on a tear. I say, no fair. A head that's bare is really nowhere. So be like a bear Be fair with your hair Show it you care Wear it to there, or to There, or to THERE if you dare. My wife bought some hair at a fair to use as a spare Did I care? Au contraire. Spare hair is fair. In fact, hair can be rare. Fred Astaire got no hair Nor does a chair Or a chocolate eclair And where is the hair on a pear? Nowhere, mon fraire. Now that I've shared my affair of the hair, I think I'll repair to my lair and use Nair- do you care?

B&T People

A good friend of mine lives in Astoria and she begged me to check out some places in the area because it's a cheap and rather nice in its own way.

I was reluctant, but I took a gander at some craigslist ads and I found a couple of places that seemed pretty good. Then, I found one that looks great and, get this, the rent is just $675 a month!

I'm paying $1,750 right now!!! Yeah, my apartment is awesome and it's in a great location and I don't have to have roommates, but still, I'm excited about the bargain.

And this place is near a couple of subway stations and not too far from my friend's place.

I'm going to go check it out tomorrow, so we'll see.

My only thought is this: I wonder if I could pay less if I were willing to live uptown. I have a friend up at 162nd who is paying $500 a month. Of course, I'd rather live in Astoria than way up there, but it does make me wonder.

More about my hair

I had to conclude my last post because I got distracted by something shiney and then when I came back, I couldn't remember what it was I wanted to say.

Now I do. Mostly.

Another thing I think when I'm considering a buzzcut is that it's just hair. I have little to no risk -- barring some unfortunate encounter with radiation or something -- of going bald, so I know my hair will just grow right back out.

At the same time, I think about the fact that I am going to be hunting for a new job in the next couple of months. This means meeting people who need to be impressed with the way I present myself. Not knowing that your haircut is completely wrong for you is a sure sign that you don't know how to present yourself.

If you've been watching the first few episodes of American Idol, you have seen several people who do not know how to present themselves properly, people who, for reasons that are beyond the scope of this blog or my interest in human psychology, lack the ability to understand how other people will respond to their appearance.

On the other hand, if I cut my hair now, I will have nearly two months before I start interviewing, so it would have time to grow out...

I dunno. I have a great haircut now and it would be a shame to eff it up on a hair experiment.

Buzz Cut

I am so tempted to get my hair buzzed.

SO many hot guys have done the buzz cut and I think it looks super hot. Brad Pitt, Justin Timberlake, Orlando Bloom, Sigourney Weaver, etc.

And while everyone can cut their hair very short, it doesn't look good on just anyone.

I have a fat head. I also have big ears that stick out. Also, when I get my hair cut short, I look like a 12 year old. This is made worse by the fact that I can't grow much facial hair and so I can't do the buzzcut + scruff that I lurve on some guys.

But, I'm still tempted to try it.

Wintry Mix!

It was very cool to wake up this morning, look out the window, and see the big, wet flakes of snow coming down.

It was somewhat unsettling to wake up this morning, look at the television, and see the newscasters freaking out because it was snowing. They had the same tone of voice -- grave but with an edge implying frantic, frayed emotions just beneath the surface -- that the news people in Georgia would have. Every five minutes they were updating the weather forecast and talking about how deadly the roads are right now. Only the lack of an animated WINTER STORM 2007 graphic told me that these people are actually used to seeing snow pretty regularly.

Baby Talk

I went on a date with this guy a couple of weeks ago. He was a nice guy. A quirky sense of humor, but smart and well-established in his life. He seemed to be a pretty clear-headed guy. After our first date, we parted ways with a sweet, short kiss. It was a good balance of casualness and possibility.

On our second date, we went to dinner and we chatted more intensely. We had more in common, but several things not in common. He enjoys theater, musicals, and cabaret. I do not. He's Jewish, although it was unclear about whether or not he is a man of faith. We have similar career asperations and hopes for the future. We have similar outlook on romance.

At the end of the date, we went back up to his place "for a drink."

We were kissing and he broke our embrace to interject, "Dyou aw wewwy cyute."

"What?"

"Dyou are wewwy cyute an' funny an' sweet. Dyou aw a vewwy special guy."

That's right. This grown man of nearly 40 years old was speaking to me, a man of nearly 30 years old with baby talk.

Now, I don't mind being called "baby" or "babe." I even use those terms of affection. But baby talk?

I also understand that when people are getting close or physically intimate, sometimes unusual behavior emerges. Sometimes people reveal aspects of their personality that aren't usually for public display. Personally, I become a silent man of action. I don't talk much in those situations at all, but some people get quite chatty and verbalize all sorts of things.

Baby talk was a first for me. It's disturbing.

What if we had gotten married and adopted a child?

Can you imagine walking in on your husband talking to your child in the same voice, saying some similar expressions to an infant that he uses with you while being physical intimate?

Imagine that your husband is the kind of guy who gets really raunchy in bed. The kind of guy who is like, "OH YEAH. YOU'RE SO @$#% HOT. GOD, YEAH. YOU'RE A NASTY BITCH. DADDY'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD. OH YEAH."

And you walk in on him talking like that to a 9 month old infant.

It's completely inappropriate. I promise. I've never seen that happen, but I promise it would upset me.

So, there will be no more dates for Mister Babytalk. The cabaret stuff was bad enough, but I just can't bear the thought of being part of a pedophilia fantasy.

Ummm...

Given how gay my gym is and the reports of lewd and lascivious behavior that go on in the steam room and showers, I was a bit disturbed last night when I noticed the giant bottle of "moisturizing lotion" that the gym provides.

Although there are signs up discouraging people from getting their freak on in the lockerroom, I just think they're mixing their messages with a giant pump bottle of lotion.

New Apartment and Roommate(s) Wanted

Well, it's time for be to start my new apartment hunt. I want to move into a new place around March 1.

I'm really not sure how to go about finding a place without a broker. I've started looking at Craigslist and it looks like they get fairly regular stream of postings for people looking for roommates.

Given my history of granting people too much benefit of the doubt, I will have to conduct my interviews with a friend.

The biggest challenge before me is the fact that I have my own furniture and most folks already have sofas and whatnot. So, as I find a new place, I may also have to figure out what to do with my extra stuff.

I will keep y'all posted on my search progress, of course, but if you have any suggestions, let me know!

An Open Letter to AirTran

Dear AirTran

You need more air in your airplanes. I don't know why, but every time I fly AirTran, I get a little dizzy and light-headed as if there isn't enough air for me to breathe. It feels the same as if I were at a very high altitude without the benefit of being in an airplane.

I do not have this problem on other airlines, so I know the technology exists for you to do something about this problem.

Thank you

Flibby

Next Time I Cut Without Warning

I went to CVS this evening to buy some toiletry or another that I suddenly and inexplicably found myself without. Those of you who know me, know that I compulsively buy extra toiletries, to the point where I actually require additional storage just for the shampoo, toothpaste, toothbrushes, and other bathroom accoutrements. Yet, somehow, this one escaped me.

Anyway, as I approached the register, I noticed that there were two lines open and neither seemed to be moving very quickly, so I chose the closest one. There were two women at the register, one woman standing about four feet off to the side of the line and me, approaching. So, I stepped up to the line leaving the socially prescribed 24 - 36 inches in front of me to the back of the women at the register.

The woman who was off to the side looked up and said, "Uh. I was in line behind them."

I said, "Oh! That's cool, you can go in front of me. Step up, please." And I gestured to the area where the line would form.

Lines at the register at CVS form perpendicular to the counter and this woman was at a distinct 45 degree angle from the register, at best. She was also 36 to 48 inches away from the next people, so it was unclear that she was in line at all.

She just said, "Well, it's six of one..."

I said, "I don't mind letting you go in front of me, but you need to be in line."

She just looked back at her cell phone and I said, "The nature of lines being linear and all."

She just said, "Well..." and continued to glare at her cell phone, but didn't move.

I am pissed off with myself for letting her go ahead of me still.

I believe she was trying to stand between the two lines an get in the one that would let her get to the register more quickly, because she certainly was not in my line.

So, next time, we might have a little discussion about where the line is... George Castanza style.

I now completely understand why that little bald man screams so much.

It's Possible that I Could Throw You Rather Far

Guess how much I lifted this morning on the hack squat machine.

Did you guess 540lbs?

If you did, you guessed right. Come here. I'll bet I could pick you up. (Unless you're a really great big fat person.)

Wake of Destruction

I cut people a lot of slack. If someone makes an innocent mistake or blunder, I'm pretty forgiving. The people who just make me angry are the ones who display a willful disregard for things going on around them.

This morning I wasn't in a great mood on my way to work. It's rainy here today and my trainer forgot that we were supposed to meet this morning. I didn't sleep well last night and so I wasn't in a great mood.

Then, I go to get on the subway and this dude in front of me with a bag over his shoulder steps onto the train in front of me. He gets as far as the corner of the seats in the train and stops with his bag jutting out blocking passage to the middle of the car. This means that unless someone wanted to push past him, which New Yorkers actually do not tend to do unless it's really crowded, everyone getting on the train had to be bunched into the area right in front of the doors.

I was the person who pushed past him. I made sure to clip his bag and knock it off of his shoulder on my way into the car, too.

He shot me a look that I returned with a blank stare.

This is what I have to say about that: MOVE TO THE CENTER OF THE CAR.

It wasn't crowded this morning, thankfully, so there was absolutely no reason to dry hump perfect strangers on my way to work.

And since it's raining, every mouth-breathing window-licker has an umbrella and is waving it around like they just don't care. In fact, I don't think they do care and that is why for the light drizzle that is spritzing the city this morning, they dug out their huge gold umbrellas of 12' diameter. Naturally, they don't move these umbrellas to the side as the walk down the side walk or raise them up to avoid impaling their fellow pedestrians.

My solution: walk right into them.

You see, there's this fun little principle in physics called rotational inertia. It's just like regular inertia but it applies to rotation. Pull in your concept of leverage and you will know that it is harder to stop the rotation of a lever from the pivot point than it is to stop it from the end that is in rotation.

This is what I think about sometimes.

When I walk into someone's umbrella, the relatively minor collision with my shoulder, chest, or arm sends the umbrella into a spin that the ignorant owner attempts to correct by just using the handle. The bigger the umbrella, the harder it is to stop the spin.

With a well-timed jolt to one of those springy spines, you can send an umbrella tumbling to the street.

Naturally, I did my usual habit of making an effort to steer clear of most of the umbrellas. The ones I didn't try to avoid were the ones that made no effort to avoid me or deliberately ignored me.

So, my hobby this morning was to leave a wake of dropped bags and umbrellas as I walk down the street.

When I Say "THOSE" Days, Even I Wonder What It Means

Today is one of those days.

I woke up this morning at 4:45. Well, more accurately, that was the last time I woke up this morning because I had woken up several times before that. I got out of bed not long after that, though.

I was in the office by 6:30.

I left the office this evening at 7. It was a long day.

Then I went and saw The Children of Men. While the movie is well done and more compelling than most adventures in dystopia, the camera work was horrible (even if appropriate to the subject matter) and that, too, made for a long day.

I'm home now.

Oddly, I'm not tired, though. I really kind of feel like going out and checking out the hot menfolk here on this little island.

Let's face it, though: that would not be a good plan. Remember how we're not spending money? Remember how we don't want to get a cold like almost everyone else around this place? It's best I just stay in.

But, Men of Manhattan, hear this: you almost had your heart broken tonight, but it is only my infinite mercy that spared your delicate feelings. All the more reason to line up for tomorrow evening because I'm such a sweet fella.

Close Encounters with the D List

I went with a friend to see Joy Behar do some stand-up comedy last night. She was ok. I giggled a lot. She's basically a grouchy, but cute, Italian lady with Jewish flavoring.

But do you know who was in the audience with me, among others? Lisa Rinnar from Entertainment Tonight. Great hair. Seriously, loved it. Her hair had good bounce, good color, nice curl. I applaud you, Miss Rinna. I also completely appreciate how quickly you looked away from me when you realized you didn't know me. It's true that I bite, but you have nothing to fear. Promise.

Ok, but more important than that lady (whom I didn't actually know, but my friend identified for me while I was carrying on about how much I liked her hair) was Tina Louise.

Yes, I said Tina Louise. That would be the actress who played Ginger on Gilligan's Island. She looks fan-freakin'-tastic. Like a pile of melted down credit cards and I mean that in a good way. I completely support having the best looks money can buy and that lady was born in 1934, but she rolled up in the club looking MUCH younger. Like 40's or 50's.

I do have to complain that she was dressed like she was 22, though. With a body like the one she's rockin' I do understand the temptation and in no way would I suggest that she dress like a 73 year old, but we do need to class it up jusssst a smidge.

Even still, I was tickled that she was there.

Drunken Conversations that Should Never Happen

Friend: Flibby, let's stop kidding around.

Flibby: About what?

Friend: About you and me. Why are we trying to fool ourselves?

Flibby: uhhmmm...

Things kind of went downhill from there.

Paging Tammy Wynette!

I have no idea why my parents are still married. They've been married for over 30 years now and I just do not understand why they have bothered with it for so long.

That's not true. When they were younger, apparently they had a frightening physical chemistry. And for whatever that's worth they've been together far longer than MY good sense would dictate. But it's not my marriage, so I try to bite my tongue.

The problem is that my dad is a lazy man who is prone to extremes. For instance, when my dad started going back to church, he turned into a crazy Jesus lover. He started going to church some four times a week and thumping his Bible at the least of provocations. He forced me and my sister to go to church against our wills saying that as long as we live under his roof, we had to attend the church of his choosing.

And before that he was a smoker from which I believe a series of epa lawsuits were spawned regarding the endangerment of some migratory birds.

Now he's taken up drinking. This, as you might guess, can't go anywhere good. Fortunately, I think his alcohol-related activities are confined to 1) spending too much money on expensive scotch and 2) sleeping.

But my mom isn't entirely innocent in the whole ordeal. She tends to nag and pitch fits. She can be quite high strung. Her worst habit in my opinion is that she simply will not face the facts, particularly when it comes to what sort of person my dad is and for that I really have a hard time sympathizing with my mother's personal hardship.

They've been talking about building a house for years and years. For the past 15 years at least. Well, in 7th grade I remember telling my mother, "You guys are not going to build a house, so I don't know why we bother talking about this so much."

My mother was so upset by that. She told me not to say that because she just knew it would happen.

They still haven't build a house. They haven't even made the first step in that direction and it's 15 years later.

And it's not just my dad, I think. My mom fails to identify other people for who they are, too. Like my sister. No matter how snotty, rude, or ungrateful my sister is, my mom still acts like she has to love her. I can't imagine what my mother thinks of me.

When my mother has complained about my dad, I've tried to explain to her that his behavior is a function of his identity. It's who he is. She's the same way.

And so my mother is talking about divorcing my dad again.

I doubt she'll do it. She's in her mid-50's now. Getting a divorce now will put her in an even more precarious financial situation than the one she's in with him. But she's talking about it.

Really, I kind of think it would be a good idea because I don't see a lot of sense in putting up with things like that longer than necessary. But I dread having to tell my mother than I will not support her in her old age. I've already told her that I will ship her off to an old folk's farm at her expense if she turns to me. Maybe that's why she bothers with my sister, because I know my sister would take care of them.

Resolute

A friend of mine told me that if I didn't make my resolutions BEFORE midnight last night, then I wouldn't be able to keep them. Since my resolutions from last year were a distinctly mixed bag and I see how other people do with their resolutions, let's just say I'm not sweating this deadline formality thing.

So, here's what I've decided to do with my resolutions. Mostly, I'm going to reprise the theme of "The Year of Kicking Ass" because that is how I roll, y'all.

And instead of just making a crazy list of particulars, I'm going to go the "areas of focus" route. So, here are my areas of focus and my thoughts on the direction I'd like to go with them:

Health & Fitness
Naturally, I'm going to keep working out. I don't know if I will keep my trainer because working out with him puts me in conflict with my second area of focus, finance. If I do not work out with him, then I need to find a buddy to lift weights with me. This has its own challenges because I like to work out in the morning before work and most people aren't into that.

I don't know if I'm going to start back running this year or not either. I'm enjoying weight training and the results I've seen with that, plus it doesn't require me being outside either sweating or freezing by buns off. And it also doesn't threaten to make my toenails come off.

Finance
Definitely need to be more responsible in the money department. Number one action I will take here is moving to a cheaper apartment probably with a roommate. Having a roommate will help in the relationships area below, too, I think.

Career
I'm getting a new job this year. I'm moving into phase 2 of my career plan and there's no sense in sitting around waiting on things that may or may not happen. So, I will either be in sales or account direction or strategy by this time next year.

Arts & Culture
I want to focus more on reading and writing and continuing my, admittedly very unfocused and informal, study of storytelling.

I will continue with Samba classes for a while.

I'm also giving thought to trying to learn a third language this year. It will probably be Italian since I have a good friend who is already fluent. We'll see. My Spanish is so rusty that I feel like I should dedicate some time to brushing up on that first.

The point of this area of focus is really just to continue my intellectual growth and joyful experience of life in New York and on planet Earth.

Relationships
I'm a good friend to people, but I'd like to focus on spending more quality time with friends. Also, I want to get out more and meet more people. I'm a little bit shy around people I don't know and I'm inclined to just stay in my apartment forever, so this will be a personal challenge for me.

I won't say that I'm giving any thought toward romance although I know at least one of my friends made "find a boyfriend" a resolution of his. Yes, it would be nice to meet "the one" but I'm not sure there is any active means of finding him other than just getting out, living life, meeting new people, and having a good time with people you enjoy. That's what this area of focus is about.

Happy New Year, Jackass

Not you guys. I love you guys. The jackass is this dude I met last night.

I went to this party at a bar and it was all fun and everything. I was watching a drag show (I pretty good one, actually. She didn't even lip synch! She was ACTUALLY singing.) and there were these two people next to me, a guy and a girl.

And I struck up a conversation and it was fun and all and they actually wound up coming over and hanging out with me and my friends.

The guy was kind of cute, but also funny and smart. We exchanged Missy Elliot lyrics! "Long weave, sewed in. Say it again. Sewed in!" He's a law student somewhere. We'll call him Steve.

So, I'm flirting with him a little bit and debating about whether or not I should ask Steve out or give him my number or something. The problem was that we were hanging out and I kind of like to do that sort of thing before I leave. For some reason, asking someone out makes for some awkward pauses even if they say yes.

Well, we're chatting and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this crazy lookin' guy comes up and says something to the Steve and they leave together. The crazy lookin' guy, we'll call the Good German, because he had that weird Euro look about him. It was like Euro plus Derelicte. Remember Zoolander? And it's not that he was dressed really badly, because I didn't notice that, but he had long, wiry blonde hair that looked like a wig to me. I actually wondered if he was a trannie. A homeless trannie.

Different strokes though, right?

I was like, "Whoa. That must have been a killer line." And I shrug and go on with the New Year's fun times.

I had to use the bathroom, so I get in line and the line is not moving. I look up and why isn't the line moving? Because Steve and the Good German were up front engaged in some SERIOUS tongue wrestling. The oral full nelson. Up on the ropes doing a flying body slam with the tonsils. You get the picture. AND they were backing up the line to the john, so, I walked around them.

When I go back to our friends, I told the female that I saw Steve and he's ok. He's just making out hard core with the Good German.

By the way, it turns out that the Good German was Israeli, not German.

Well, she's like, "Let's go get him."

So, we go to him and he's like, "Help me! Take me away!"

I laughed right in his face. I said, "You got yourself into this, bro, you have to get yourself out." (When I drink I turn into a frat boy. My apologies to everyone.)

Maybe I'm the jackass because I wouldn't lay down a cockblock for this stranger. But it's beyond a simple cockblock if dude has been making out for an hour an and half. That requires anullments and stuff, I think.

Well, the girl was nicer than me because she said to the Good Israeli German, "Nice to meet you!" and snatches Steve away and we return to our friends.

At this point, I'm getting ready to leave and the girl is like, "You should make your move now!"

But I'm like, "I'm not going to make a move. He was just with that other guy making out."

And she says, "So?"

And I said, "Well, if that's what he's into, that's his business, but I'm not interested."

The message was not very clear to her or him because I wound up having to excuse myself rather abruptly.

I have never in my life found myself making out with someone when I didn't want to. If I WERE in that situation where I was making out with someone and I decided I didn't want to make out anymore, I would just excuse myself and stop doing that. I don't require anyone to help me get away unless it's some kind of crazy rape situation and in that case, I would scream like Jaime Lee Curtis, not whisper, "Take me away." Besides, "Take me away" might send the wrong message to my rapist.

I can see it in court: "Not only was he dressed like he wanted it but he practically begged to be transported across state lines and sold to Wal-mart to make giant Tweety Bird T-shirts."

I just think it's kind of jackassy to take off to make out with some stranger and then ask ANOTHER stranger to help you get away from the stranger you chose to make out with and then to follow it up with some kind of wishful thinking that you're going to get a date later.

I'll tell you guys what I decided on my resolutions later. I need to go rest my hangover some more.