Flibbertigibbet

Oh and One More Thing...

I am so the best businessperson in my class.

What Have You Got to Lose?

In my entrepreneurial management class tonight, we had to "compete" for "jobs." What that really means is that there were ten project leaders and the rest of the class had to convince them to let classmembers work on the project.

10 project managers. 50 students. At least 4 and no more than 6 members to a team.

This is business school, so many people landed jobs just because they are friends with one of the project leads. Next, people started landing jobs because they knew someone who was already hired.

This is just like the real world.

I took a little bit different approach. I spent the start of the hiring period chatting with some of my friends, checking my email, and talking about how I wasn't going to go after one of these jobs.

Then, I walked around and handed my resume out to each of the team leads and made a few jokes about what a slacker I am. (Not the exact strategy to pursue when going after a job.)

One company threw a job at me. A buddy of mine was in the group and put a word in for me, so I was offered the job. I told them, "Yeah, maybe. I'm going to keep looking around." As soon as I looked up, another team was waving to me and they offered me a job.

At that point, the power shifted. I was now interviewing projects.

The first group threatened me saying they would fill my spot. I said, "Go for it."

I interviewed the other company and found that I was up against someone who was FAR less qualified than I am. The team was full of new kids, though. You know, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Eager. This is my last semester, so this freaked me out a little bit.

I went back to the other group and they said they had filled my spot. An obvious bluff. They had an uninspiring project and although they had a strong leader in the group, the leader wasn't focusing on the deliverables in the project. They also had several newbies.

Well, I chose the second group. The first group was just too neurotic and I knew that I would be fighting the leadership on the project. On the second team, I would be a subject matter expert and integral to the project. Actually the integral nature of my role will likely prove to be my undoing.

But the life lesson I'm taking from all this is a truth that many forget: A job interview is as much about you interviewing the company as it is about the company interviewing you.

Granted, there are times when needs are urgent enough to demand quick measure of the options, but no matter what there is some alternative to the choice.

As if I need another reason to be cocky as hell.

The Rest of the Story

I hate it when the people in the news just leave out relevant information and I happened across an example today.

CNN:

In a closed meeting, the Senate Intelligence Committee of eight Democrats and nine Republicans voted 12 to 4 for the nomination, with one senator making no recommendation on the nomination.

Which senator? CNN doesn't say. I mean, it's not like I can't guess. One of the members of this committee is running for the office of Vice President. By why didn't CNN tell us?

I don't mind that he didn't vote. I mean, he's running for office. A vote now either way would be somewhat rude.

But it irritates me that CNN wouldn't just say it.

Overheard in a College Town

Hippie chick: Are you registered to vote?

Flibby: Indeed.

Hippie chick: I guess not.

This is proof-positive that hippies do not speak English.

Where Am I?

I stopped to get gas the other night at a QuikTrip and a little kid came up to me and tried to sell me candy bars. His speech only vaguely resembled the patterns of English but everything he said was unintelligible. I only knew he was trying to sell something by his gestures and the candybars he was waving around.

I said, "No. Move along now. Get out of here."

I swear, Atlanta is the new El Salvador.

New York Times Reveals: Most Terrorists are Islamic

NYT: School Siege in Russia Sparks Self-Criticism in Arab World

"It is a certain fact that not all Muslims are terrorists, but it is equally certain, and exceptionally painful, that almost all terrorists are Muslims," Abdel Rahman al-Rashed, the general manager of the widely watched Al-Arabiya satellite television station wrote in one of the most striking of these commentaries.

This situation is one of such dire circumstance that I find my response being simply, "No shit."

"The majority of those who manned the suicide bombings against buses, vehicles, schools, houses and buildings, all over the world, were Muslim," he wrote. "What a pathetic record. What an abominable `achievement.' Does this tell us anything about ourselves, our societies and our culture?"

Yes, it does. For everyone who thinks that it's wrong to use profiling to identify potential threats, please listen to this man. He is an Arab. He is a muslim.

Mr. Rashed, like several other commentators, singled out Sheikh Yusuf al-Qaradawi, a senior Egyptian cleric living in Qatar who broadcasts an influential program on Al Jazeera television and who has issued a fatwa, or religious ruling, calling for the killing of American and foreign "occupiers" in Iraq, military and civilian.

"Let us contemplate the incident of this religious Sheikh allowing, nay even calling for, the murder of civilians," he wrote. "How can we believe him when he tells us that Islam is the religion of mercy and peace while he is turning it into a religion of blood and slaughter?"

Mr. Rashed recalled that in the past, leftists and nationalists in the Arab world were considered a "menace" for their adoption of violence, and the mosque was a "haven" of "peace and reconciliation" by contrast.

"Then came the Neo-Muslims," he said. "An innocent and benevolent religion, whose verses prohibit the felling of trees in the absence of urgent necessity, that calls murder the most heinous of crimes, that says explicitly that if you kill one person you have killed humanity as a whole, has been turned into a global message of hate and a universal war cry."

You should go read the rest. I'm glad people are saying this but the final comment I will make is this: They still aren't admitting religion categorically and by definition makes NO SENSE AT ALL.

New on Fox: When Beggars Attack!

I was listening to NPR again today. It never fails; if I spend any time listening to the news on that radio station I will go from zero to pissed in no time flat.

They were talking about the situation in the Sudan and how Sudanese officials have called the stingy aid policies of France, Italy, and Japan "mean." I couldn't find a news story with the exact words, but NPR quoted someone as actually saying that those countries were MEAN for not giving more money to the people in the Sudan.

By contrast, the United States and Great Britain are considered to be very generous. GB has given something like 57 Million pounds and the US has give upwards of $270 Million. (Sorry, I'm not going to look up how to make the pounds symbol here.)

What pisses me off is the impudence of these Sudanese beggars and moochers. Whose fault is it that they have these problems? I'll give a hint: It's not anyone outside of the Sudan. How DARE they criticize anyone's generosity? What sort of shameless and brazen animals bite the hands that feed them?

But that isn't what makes me the most angry of all. What makes me the MOST angry is the fact that France, Italy, Japan, USA, and Great Britain are falling for this crap.

These countries are robbing their own citizens through taxes, stealing food from the mouths of OUR children, to feed, clothe, and shelter people in another country that does nothing in return. I have legitimate doubts that any of it will ever be paid back.

That there aren't cries of indignation heard around the world on the sheer audacity of the Sudan is a sign of the times. We live in an age where beggars insult their benefactors and the benefactors feel guilt for it. We live in an age where being needy, not to mention patently irrational, gives a group of people the moral high ground.

I wouldn't have given them anything in the first place, but now I wish someone would really get with it and cut them off.

If you're not as pissed as I am, read this over again and place special interest to the part where this idiocy is funded by dollars that have come straight out of your paycheck.

This is a Little Weird

So, all this talk about getting six-pack abs has made me look at my belly a lot and do you know what's in the middle of my belly?

My belly button.

People have told me that I have a wierd belly button because you can see the bottom. I guess most people can't see all the way in their belly buttons. My belly button, as you can see, is more like a dent in my abdomen with a star-pattern in the center.

I've never really noticed many belly buttons, but when I look at mine as big as it is in the photo above, I do have to say it looks strange.

Strange.

It's ON now.

Another Matt is talking smack about my six-pack abs challenge.

All I have to say is: It's on, bro.

But see, Matty is all talk. He didn't put any before photos up. We don't know where he's coming from. A buddy of mine in college use to say, "If you're a man, you'll put it in my hand." Matty needs to step up!

(I'm terribly competitive, so this is good motivation for me.)

Fitness Goal #1: Six Pack

Ok. I've been very lazy over the past 18 months and have not been exercising the way a health-oriented individual ought.

First, let me tell you all: I'm a runner. More or less. I like to run and that's what I generally do for fitness. I've run a few half-marathons, but I do want to run a marathon one day. These days, I'm good if I can crack out five miles without stopping.

Anyway, my schedule doesn't really permit any really intense training for anything, but I think I can set some reasonable goals for myself that will help me once I can dedicate more time to it.

And since I'm a person who likes to set goals, my first fitness goal is to get six pack abs by December.

So, you all will get to follow my progress or lack thereof. Here are the 'before' photos.

This one isn't SO bad. As you can tell, I'm skinny, but I'm not toned or built really. Our ultimate goal is for me to be an icon of male hotness. I need men and women alike to fall into a froth of orgasmic bliss just by seeing me. That talent will help me if ever I take to robbing banks or something.

Plain, old, 27 year-old belly here. Nothing special.

This photo looks weird to me, though. Let's analyze.

First of all, my birdy chest. What's up with that? Well, I never did the chest working out that lots of guys do in their teens and early to mid-twenties, so I need to start now... from scratch.

Look at how my abdomen is further out than my chest. That is so weird to me. And clearly, that is not a six-pack you see there.

Fortunately, I don't think I have a lot of fat to get rid of. I just need to make my muscles stick out more.

So, we begin our quest tonight! With... say 100 crunches?

I won't post on this every day, don't worry. But I will let you know about my regimine periodically and update you on my progress.

Update: I will start tomorrow because I have homework tonight. (Isn't that how it always starts?)

A Synopsis of the Movie Hero

I saw the movie Hero this weekend. It didn't plunge into the depths of enternal suckitude with the likes of Bloodwork, About Schmidt, Lost in Translation, Punch Drunk Love, or the Royal Tennenbaums, but it was pretty boring.

Of course, my primary objection to the film, apart from some of the ways chosen to make the film, was the theme. Hero is a movie about why China is still Communist even though we've been over that a thousand times already. And the people who made the movie act like it's a good thing.

There were a few cool fight scenes, but not nearly enough. There was a surprising amount of talking, which was either in Chinese or complete gibberish, I can't tell the difference still even though I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But I will say that the colors in the movie were really pretty and bright.

Can I just offer a tip to movie makers everywhere? If you are going to use subtitles, leave them on the screen long enough for people to read them and also look at the people making the corresponding sounds.

Also, for people who were befuddled by the flying in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon there was very little flying in this movie. Oh and IT'S NOT FLYING!!

I've told people a buhmillion times that it looks like flying, but it's not really flying. It's a martial arts move, kind of like a karate chop. You know how people can outrun explosions in American movies? Well, people in Chinese fighting movies can do this.

Anyway, to save most of you money, I've decided to offer a full synopsis of the film right here. Be warned: this synopsis will contain spoilers. So, without further ado:

Ok. There was a little more ado there since, if you came from the main page, you had to click and get over to read the extended entry. I didn't mean to ruin it for you like that; I just didn't want my synopsis on the main page in case people did want to see it because it has so many spoilers.

Here goes.

The movie starts by telling us that China is a really sucky place to live. Not just now, but 2,000 years ago, too. It's sucky because people have to drive around in wagons and wear clothing that is not at all flattering to one's figure. Also, China wasn't one big country at the time; there were six regions and these regions like to fight one another.

I don't know what the big deal was about it's to be expected. John Kerry wasn't alive 2,000 years ago to show everyone how to wage sensitive wars; his book "The Art of Sensitive War" wasn't even written. Some people might say that Jesus should have marched his happy butt over to China and straightened things out, but we all know that wasn't Jesus-style. Also, he was trying to straighten out the Middle East situation. I won't get into the implications on Jesus' self-proclaimed god-status, but the current state of things there might be something to consider if you're trying to choose a make-believe thing by which to live your life.

Anyway, so in this one place called Qin there is a tyrant who wants to "unite" the six states.

Please note: No pronunciation guides were provided with this movie. I asked in the lobby, but the pimple-faced twerp behind the counter acted like I had asked him to come translate the movie himself for me. I decided that "Qin" rhymes with "Rama-lama-ding-dong."

So, the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong is always trying to attack the other states, particularly one called Zhou.

Note: Zhou rhymes with "wop-bop-a-lou-bop."

Then Jet Li shows up at the Tyrant's really fly palace. I say the palace is really fly, except for some of the narrow hallways. They also reported that assassins were sometimes hiding around. Also, there were lots of people standing around in the palace just waiting to yell and I'm not really down with that either. But this wasn't MTV Cribs, so there might have been other good parts to the palace that I just didn't get to see -- like the king-size bed where "the magic happens."

So, Jet Li is told, "Don't even think about getting up close to the Tyrant because we will kill you until you die from it."

Jet Li is like, "Dude. Chill. I don't want to get up on your Tyrant, ok? Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks, right. But I don't swing that way." Jet Li said all this while having his hard, muscley, naked body rubbed down by a crowd of men.

Yeah, Jet Li, whatever, dude.

Then Jet Li prances his way up to the palace to talk to the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong. As it turns out, Jet Li killed not one, not two, but THREE assassins that the Tyrant really didn't like. Two of the assassins almost killed the Tyrant one time and that's when he decided that folks were just allowed to walk up and dry hump him anymore, even if they do look like Jet Li -- whatever that means, because I think Jet Li looks a little broke down even if he has a nice body.

Jet Li tells a stupid story about how he killed this one assassin named Sky, named for his favorite American Gladiator. The only difference was that his boobs were a LOT smaller than hers. That should go without saying, I guess.

So, the Tyrant says, "Show 'm my motto"

Obey Your Thirst

"Now, tell 'm what he's won."

And these scary midgets dressed all in black come running out with all kinds of prizes and stuff for Jet Li and tell him he's allowed to walk 20 paces (the official unit of measure in ancient China) forward if he says, "Mother, May I?" You know, those midgets might have been trained monkeys. I'm not sure. How scary would THAT be? That palace would really suck then.

Jet Li moves up and then tells a story about how he killed these other two assassins named Falling Snot and Broken Sword. Broken Sword appeared in Dances with Wolves, which is where he broke his sword trying to teach Kevin Costner the word for "Buffalo" and earned his name. (Tatanka, man! Pay attention!) No one knows why Falling Snot is called that, though. Some think she made it up to sound cool. Some think she did not succeed in choosing a good name for that.

This is the part of the story with the best fighting. It takes place in the region called Schwopbopaloubop and the army of Cramalamadingdong is attacking. The army shoots like a gazillion arrows at this colligraphy school because the deadly art of calligraphy is a threat to those would be tyranical up in there. Some people die, but Jet Li and Falling Snot climb up on the roof and block most of the arrows.

Then there is more talking. (This 'short' synopsis is looking a lot like the actual movie because of all the words. I'm sorry.)

And then Falling Snot reveals why she has such a stupid name: it is to hide the fact that she is actually Halle Berry from X-men and is actually the daughter of a famous and powerful leaf blower named Troy Built.

So, at the end of that, both Broken Sword and Falling Snot are dead and the midgets come out again and shower Jet Li in prizes and tell him he's allowed to get within 10 paces (that's important) of the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong.

Did I mention that Jet Li claims not to have a name in this movie? Yeah. He says that people call him "Nameless" but when I pointed out that "Nameless" is technically his name, he refused to talk about it anymore.

So, Jet Li gets still not very close to the Tryant to drink some tea.

And the tyrant says, "We're going to play the Oprah game. I get to be Dr. Phill."

Jet Li says, "You always get to be Dr. Phil. I want to be Dr. Phil for once!"

"Hi. Does 'Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong' mean anything to you?"

"Fine. Your tea sucks."

And the tyrant said, "You're a big, fat liar. And you made yourself fat, too."

And then Jet Li said, "You're taking this Dr. Phil thing a little too far, buddy."

So, the tyrant tells how he thinks it all went down and says that he thinks that Jet Li made it all up just to get within 10 paces to kill the tyrant. Jet Li says it's true that he does intend to do that, but instead of gettin' all Samurai Jack on the tyrant they sit there and talk for like an hour more.

Jet Li then tells how it all REALLY went down.

I'm not sure what this magic trick is because he showed a couple of cool moves. One of them involves cutting up the Tyrant's magazine collection. I'm sure that would make him mad, but isn't actually all that deadly, really. Studies have shown. The other trick involves sticking him with a sword in non-vital places so that he won't die. I think that trick would be more effective in that it actually involves stabbing the tyrant but the whole point of that trick is that whoever is stabbed will live, so I would really need some clarification on how that would work against the Tyrant in the long run any better than the first trick.

Then there is more talking. And talking talking talking talking...

FINALLY, Jet Li jumps up and sails over this big wall of votive candles in buddha holders and stabs the tyrant. Or so you think.

Turns out he didn't because the important lesson we learn in this movie is that it's actually good that the Tyrant intends to enslave all of China under his iron fist. Jet Li and the guy from Dances with Wolves decided that more people would die if the regions are left free to fight the tyrant, so they should give up.

Maybe John Kerry WAS alive then -- if only in spirit.

So, Jet Li doesn't kill the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong and now we all have to put up with Communist China. Thanks, Jet Li. Thanks.

But then those people who stand around in the palace courtyard start yelling and they decide to shoot a buhmillion arrows at Jet Li, as if they didn't know already that he can block arrows. But Jet Li has learned lessons in this story, remember? He was all hell-bent on killing a tyrant and then he decided that tyrants are good. For equally obvious and irrational motives, we understand that Jet Li doesn't block the arrows and decides to just die.

Good.

Except I want my $9 back because that movie was boring and stupid. I could have rented X-Men to see cool fight scenes with Halle Berry.

It's Not Just Sometimes That You Gotta Do What You Gotta Do - Do It All the Time

To the Virgins, to make much of Time by Robert Herrick

GATHER ye rosebuds while ye may,
Old Time is still a-flying:
And this same flower that smiles to-day
To-morrow will be dying.
The glorious lamp of heaven, the sun,
The higher he's a-getting,
The sooner will his race be run,
And nearer he's to setting.

That age is best which is the first,
When youth and blood are warmer;
But being spent, the worse, and worst
Times still succeed the former.

Then be not coy, but use your time,
And while ye may, go marry:
For having lost but once your prime,
You may for ever tarry.

A friend of mine and I were talking about sex. Particularly the practice of sex with a partner to whom you know you have no intention of being committed.

His thought was that while it's best not to practice willy-nilly hedonism generally, there are times when you just want to lie back and enjoy yourself. He actually said that he is a fairly conservative but he's trying to teach himself to "sieze the day."

My response to that sort of thing is that while it is important to take opportunities as they present themselves, one should never take opportunities that lead one away from one's long-term goals. This means that while living in the moment is (technically unavoidable) a terribly hip sentiment, the moment cannot be considered outside of the context of the entire lifetime.

It's for that reason that I don't "hook up." I'm not looking for sex. Sex is easy to get. I'm looking for a fulfilling, monogamous, long-term relationship that supplements and enhances my life. Having sex and not meaning it may not necessarily take me further from that goal, but it certainly doesn't bring me closer, so I'm not interested.

The rest of the world would do well to identify what's important in their lives and work only for those things. It saves time and regret.

Parsimonious my Butt. Just Try to Borrow Some Money from Me.

I dunno if I've mentioned this or not, but I'm in grad school right now. I'm studying business, which is a generally boring and stodgy subject in spite of being all about money.

Anyway, one of my assignments recently was to write a Multiple Choice Question for the class. Here's mine:

MegaTechie Chemical Corp has a new product, the Sparkle-Widget 3000, that costs $10,000 per unit and is used by Mechanics and Beauticians to assess the chemical composition of various solvent solutions used in their trades. Which of the following answers represents a market or a market segment?

A) Nan Pneumatic, a mechanic in Seattle who runs her own shop for race car repairs and has purchased each of the previous versions of the Sparkle-Widget, and Max Maximumoverdrive, owner of a shop across the street from Nan that employs 400 mechanics for big rig repairs.

B) Jim Supercuts, a barber shop owner in Wisconsin, and Sally Snips, a restaurateur in New York.

C) Tad Tallorder, a chemical engineer in East Namibia who wants to order 1,700 Sparkle-Widget 3000 s to monitor the amount of fertilizer that reaches various reservoirs in the region.

D) Zan, a Wonder Twin whose hobbies include classic car repair, who wants the Sparkle-Widget 3000 to mix a solvent that won t ruin the paint job on his 1964 Camaro and Jana, the other Wonder Twin from whom Zan is estranged due to the Form of an Ice Cage Debacle of 82 but nevertheless shares his love for classic cars and a need for well-mixed solvents.

E) Larry, a stylist at Pomp salon in Los Angeles, California, Daryl, a stylist at A Dor Salon & Spa in the Amish community of Carriageride, Pennsylvania, both of whom specialize in permanent curl hair styles, and Daryl, a mechanic on Fire Island, New York.

Answer: A

Concepts:
A market is
- A set of actual or potential customers
- For a given set of products or services
- Who have a common set of needs or wants, and
- Who reference each other when making a buying decision

B is not the answer because Sally isn t an actual or potential buyer for the Sparkle-Widget 3000; she s a restaurateur, not a mechanic or beautician.

C is not the answer because Tad needs the Sparkle-Widget 3000 for things other than assessing the chemical composition of a solvent solutions.

D is not the answer because Zan and Jana do not reference one another; they re estranged.

E is not the answer because Larry and Daryl (1) do not reference one another because Daryl has no phone in the Amish community (Even if Daryl did have a phone it s unlikely they would reference each other.) and Daryl (2) is a mechanic and although mechanics and beauticians have the same need, they do not reference one another and should be considered separate market segments.

A perfectly good multiple choice question, no? You'll note the multiple choices and I even went so far as to explain the in/validity of each answer, which is not part of the assignment.

My teacher wrote:

Excellent MCQ, Flibby,

You get 4/3.

However, for next time, try to be more parsimonious.

G.

PARSIMONIOUS? Full stop, yo.

First of all, 4 of 3? Is that like an A++ or something? Literally, I got a 133% on this assignment, as opposed to a regular 100%. So, I think I got extra points.

Why? Why did I get extra points?

Undoubtedly, it is because my multiple choice question is FAR superior (33% more superior) than even the scope of the assignment required.

So, I don't understand this 'parsimonious' remark. Am I to understand that I might have gotten like 6 points if I hadn't been so loquacious (Yeah, I have 10 cent words, too!) ?

Well, you can betcha that Zan and Jana will be part of my next MCQ as well.

Parsimonious my butt. Just try to borrow some money from me.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I would like to give a big THANK YOU to one particular Senior Vice President of my company; we'll call him Bobby Badass.

Bobby Badass have clashed from time to time. He's an SVP and I'm a manager who speaks too loudly for his position in the company. It's never been personal it's just been about business stuff. I've always liked what an asshole he is. Do you know people like this?

Bobby Badass does not like it that you've chosen to complicate his life. Bobby Badass will be the first to let you know this in no uncertain terms. So, please, leave Bobby Badass alone and Bobby Badass will leave you alone.

But sometimes I've had to talk to him, so we've tried to see who can be more persnickety than the other. I like to think we share a kinship in this way.

Anyway, today, he really made my birthday something special, with just one comment.

I happen to work with a lot of sales folks who are apparently the pigeons of the corporate world. I would say they're the parrots, but parrots are able to imitate what they hear exactly. These sales people, and I don't know if most sales people are this way, can be told something a buhmillion times but they will never be able to repeat it and if they try they will get it wrong.

For example:

Flibby: We don't make Sparkle-widgets.

Salesperson: We don't?

Flibby: No. Never. The laws of physics in this Universe do not even allow for the existence of a sparkle-widget.

five minutes later on the phone with a client

Salesperson: We have these great new sparkle-widgets. Want one?

Not ALL sales folk are this way, just most of the ones I work with and some are more special than others, like the one we'll call Sam Slowchild-Atplay.

Over a period of YEARS

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

And so on...

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: Here are two contracts for sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: What did I tell you? We don't make those.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: These are special.

Flibby: I'm sure they are since they will never, ever exist.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: Sorry, Flibby, but you're wrong. These are a special case and I got permission from someone in the powers that be in management to sell these.

Flibby: Who?

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: This one manager who knows absolutely nothing about widgets, let alone sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: Riiiiiiight. We don't make sparkle-widgets. I don't care what that other manager says.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: Well, you can ask him about that.

Flibby: No, I won't. We don't make sparkle-widgets. I've been in a jigga-gillion meetings about sparkle-widgets and I drafted the paper explaining why the very idea of sparkle-widgets violates the laws of physics.

Further, in the last meeting I had about this, Bobby Badass backed me up.

WE DO NOT MAKE SPARKLE-WIDGETS. EV-ER.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: That's it. I'm telling.

I have no idea what Sam Slowchild-Atplay did after that because I immediately called Bobby Badass.

Flibby: Bobby, what's going on with sparkle-widgets?

Bobby Badass: Huh? We don't make those.

Flibby: No joke. But I'm looking at two contracts for sparkle-widgets.

Bobby Badass: I don't care. We don't make those.

Flibby: I thought everyone agreed on that.

Bobby Badass: Everyone who matters does.

Flibby: Well, Sam Slowchild-Atplay has sold two of them.

Bobby Badass: We don't make sparkle-widgets. What don't you understand about that?

Flibby: I understand it and you understand it, but Sam is saying that this is "special" and that the "powers that be" have approved this.

Bobby Badass: Suddenly, the "powers that be" can change physics? I don't think so.

Flibby: Right. These contracts are for clients X and Y.

Bobby Badass: I spoke to Client X yesterday and they know they can't have it. I'm talking to Client Y tomorrow and they will not think they're getting it when I'm done.

Flibby: Right on. Well, Sam Slowchild-Atplay is out there telling people otherwise.

Now, let me interrupt, because here comes the money shot and I want to emphasize that while the above is slight exaggeration of what happened, what follows is an exact quote (except the names) by a senior vice president:

Bobby Badass: Well, if Sam Slowchild-Atplay wants to speak, he needs to speak from a position of knowledge, not one of want.

When I say things like that, I get into trouble. When Bobby Badass says things like that, I think about what it might be like to work for someone who actually says things like it is.

I think that is the best present I am going to get for my birthday this year and I can't think of anything more that I would want!