Flibbertigibbet

Why I Need Mister Bookworm Around

Yesterday, my boss ordered pizza for us because he trapped us in a long meeting and the pizzas had irregular names, like one of them was "Florentine" and another was the "Marguerite." Well, someone said, "I'd like some of the Bianca."

I hate that pizza place and I was complaining about it and so I said, "I'd rather some of the Kate."

Crickets. People looked at me with confuzzled expressions.

"Anyone with me on this? Bianca. Kate. Taming of the Shrew? Anyone? What about Ten Things I Hate About You? Oooookaaaaayyyy..."

Then, last night at the client dinner, some of the guys in the room were complaining that our dining room didn't have any television sets. I pointed out that even still we had a delightful ficus tree. They countered asking if the tree could give us the score.

I laughed and said, "This isn't The Giving Tree."

Again with the puzzled looks.

Shakespeare to Silverstein and no hits.

I usually attribute these things to some unexpected free associations in my mind, but I know that Mister Bookworm would have understood the references at the time without me having to explain. I could have even quoted lyrics from The Clash, made references to Guy Fawkes, Atilla, and Eurydice, and then alluded to Janice Dickenson's apparent insanity and he would have understood it all.

A Relationship Milestone

This weekend, Mister Bookworm and I crossed an important milestone in our relationship: he walked in on me while I was defecating.

I had gone to get a shower, but I like to take care of business and let the water get warm and that's what I was doing. He has a cold and ran out of tissues, though, so, hearing the running water, he thought he'd sneak in and get some paper and leave.

Unfortunately, there was was with the Jessica Alba issue of GQ.

He left without the tissue, but we talked about it and we agree that although pooping is decidedly not a public activity or a bonding opportunity, if one needs tissue, one might as well get it.

At this rate, we'll be purchasing real estate and farting together by New Year's.

Love's Philosophy

The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever,
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle;--
Why not I with thine?

See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven,
If it disdained it's brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?

Percy Bysshe Shelley

Giddy

Mister Bookworm and I are going to watch movies tonight. I know I just saw him Wednesday night and he and I chat online every afternoon, but I'm really excited to see him again.

The Bookworm

One of the things that I really enjoy about hanging out with The Bookworm right now is that when he makes a joke about the name Maximilian and I follow up with a joke about the emperor of Mexico, we know that we're both talking about an attempt of French Royalists to control Mexico in the 19th century.

And only minutes earlier he was reminding me of the lyrics to a House of Pain song, which I then point out are referenced by Wyclef Jean in the Fugees' cover of Stayin' Alive.

Meanwhile, bystanders are at a loss.

I guess it's a little bit rude to the company, but it's so much fun that I can't resist.

Jinx It

I wanted to type a post to tell you guys about this guy that I met this weekend, but there's really too much for me to really sum it all up right now.

He's a great guy, though. Super smart, funny, and cute. His politics are freedom oriented and his personal philosophy (though not explicitly Objectivist) is somewhat Objectivish. He has a good education and he has a career that he loves and is proud of.

We spent a lot of time together over the weekend and we talked almost nonstop about all kinds of things. Music, books, movies, history, art... all kinds of stuff. And every conversations consists of a near endless string of, "I like that one, too! Have you seen..."

I don't want to jump to any conclusions or rush into anything prematurely, but I am really surprised and impressed with him. I'm excited to see him again and spend some more time with him.

Losing My Touch?

Remember that Frenchman I went on a few dates with a while back and then he just kind of dropped off the face of the earth? He just wasn't that into me.

Well, I met some new guy and I only met him that once and he seemed nice. He asked me if I wanted to meet up again for drinks some time and I accepted. But then he's not communicated with me since. Again, I assume he's just not that into me.

I'm thinking of it because I see he's online right now.

At the moment, this phenomenon is just an interesting change of pace, but I can see how if this goes on one might develop a low opinion of humanity. heh heh heh...

And Still

And even though I'm in a bad mood, I was online earlier this morning and I saw something that reminded me of how in love my best friend is with his boyfriend.

I've never seen him so desperately happy and fulfilled and it brings me joy to see it in my life.

They've had to and continue to overcome various situational factors in their relationship, but it seems to work. I hope it continues to work.

I'm so very happy for the two of them.

Good Party, Bad Mood

I would say that our party last night was a great success. Lots of people showed up and we had plenty of food and beverages. Everyone commented positively on the appearance of our apartment. AND, I am pleased to report, the mess was actually kept to a minimum.

I managed to get to bed just a little bit after midnight, too.

This morning, reflecting on the party, I find myself in a bit of a bad mood.

I was out of sorts for our party due to a vicious hangover from Wednesday night. Obviously, that's my own fault, but I was feeling much improved by the time of our party even if the thought of consuming any alcohol filled me with dread.

Several of my friends showed up -- something I'm very happy about -- and I got to spend a little bit of time with all of them. My disappointment stems from the fact that I couldn't spend more time with each of them and a few in particular.

See, I'm nursing a little crush on a guy with whom a romance is almost certainly out of the question. It's not that he isn't gay or by appearance an unsuitable match at all. In fact, when I talk to him and consider his course in life, I am very impressed with him -- inspired, even. But his situation is far removed from my own.

I'm being deliberately vague about this for reasons you can likely guess.

It's just terribly frustrating because when it comes to things like one's situation in life, there is a youthful determination and exuberance that drives a person to think that they can be overcome. Indeed, it's quite possible that such things could be overcome, but the odds are not good.

Long distance is a good example of a situational factor that can be overcome but presents a considerable burden to established relationships and a near insurmountable obstacle to new ones. Point of fact, I won't enter into long distance relationships for those reasons and the only reason is because I think romance is difficult enough without adding great distances to it.

But one is ready to admit that all relationships present some sort of situational factor that is less than optimal. Perhaps they are at a place in their career where they can't spend very much time with you. Maybe there is a bit of an age difference. Maybe they are very happy in their career, but they aren't very financially stable.

These things can be overcome, some more easily than others, but they are all obstacles to be overcome. One has to decide how much one is willing to work for the relationship.

I tend to be rather mercenary about these things. As a rule, I won't enter into long distance relationships. I have a guideline (not a rule) that says I won't date people without a college degree.

The question of age is a troublesome one for me because I've always generally dated men who are several (5 to 10) years older than myself. I find men in their mid 30's to early 40's very attractive, but I recognize also that there is a large difference in the amount of life experience between me and someone at that stage in their life. I've only rarely considered dating men younger than myself and the idea of it fills me with some unease; youth is a time of possibility, hope, and adventure and even though I have a lot of that left, I would dread the idea of being an untoward influence on someone who is starting out in their adult life because I am presently invested and directed in mine.

As I said, these sorts of situational factors can be overcome, but am I willing?

When it comes to this man I know there are a couple of these not insignificant situational factors to overcome.

What has put me in a bad mood though is at my party, I noticed him spending a fair amount of time with someone else and they exchanged numbers. They even left the party together.

Now, the person he was with is not in the least unworthy. I have considered dating this other person, but when I did the math so to speak I came to the conclusion that I wasn't interested.

But when I think of them together I get angry.

So, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of something that I haven't even made my mind up about. I can't think of any other way to describe it other than simple, petulant jealousy. That in itself frustrates me.

I'm frustrated by his situation or mine in relation to his. I'm frustrated that when I'm around him that I can't think of anything to say. I'm frustrated that I didn't get to talk to him very much last night. I'm jealous that someone else did. And I find myself projecting my present frustration, anger, and jealousy outward to my view of any prospect I have of finding the sort of romance I really want.

Basically, I'm in a bad mood.

*sigh*

What's Sex?

Inspector went and looked up Leonard Peikoff's comment on masturbation as sex from his Love, Sex & Romance Q&A:

"Q: Is masturbation sex…?

A: Yes it is Sex; sex is any contact with and pleasure from the genitals. It does not say what form of contact – despite our president [Clinton] – and it does not say who or whether it’s you yourself. If you get pleasure from scratching your back, that is not sex… but if it’s the right area, it is!”

(note also that the "despite our president" comment got big laughs")

As a friend of mine in college used to say: "Don't be dumb. Get you some."

Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

I don't really regret dating any of the people I've dated although I do recognize that I could have exercised some better judgment in those I chose to date.

Well, remember my ex who did his cry- for- attention- faux- suicide attempt?

At the end of that incident, I told him to never speak to me again.

Last night, that fool sent me an instant message. I didn't save the conversation, but I wish I had so I could share it with you guys.

It went something like this:

Him: I got beat by a drag queen.
Me: Seriously, never talk to me again.
Him: Whatever.
Me: No, not whatever. You need to understand that I don't want you to ever talk to me again.
Me: Are we clear on this?

He also swore at me and called me ugly names. But he stopped talking to me.

I THINK I'm finally rid of him. Only time will tell.

Quoting A Reader

In my comments, Inspector left an eloquent description of sex that I think bears being highlighted:

Objectivism's view toward romantic and ideal sex is one of breathless reverence for a sublime greatness

YES.

Ug. I'm Silly Sometimes.

This weekend I ran into The Cuban. The Cuban and I dated for a while late last year. A couple three months, I think.

He was really sweet and sexy and I really enjoyed many things about him, but we had some ideological differences that really bothered me and I felt like we were lacking an intellectual connection. So, we broke up.

But I do miss him. I miss all the good things that made me date him in the first place.

I saw him Friday night while hunting for a bar that wasn't too dark, too loud, too crowded, or too expensive. And it was really nice to see him even if it was only for five seconds.

Well, that brief encounter then lead to a text message exchange on Saturday.

This will totally sound like a lie, but it's not, I actually thought he was someone else sending me a text message (one of the cute guys I met Friday), so I was kind of flirty. Even after I realized it was him, though the conversation continued a little longer. It was kind of hard to not respond when I had been texting him all evening.

Eventually, I did just stop responding, though. And today he sent me an email saying it was nice to "talk" to me.

I have to say: this is one of the more difficult aspects of my strict dating policies. I have good reasons for dating the people I've dated and I'm not confused or unclear about them. I also have good reasons for not dating them any more and they are equally clear.

The decision I make about the relationship is a direction function of my hierarchy of values and it wouldn't make any sense for me to try to go against that. But I still have a little internal conflict on the situation.

I mention all of this only to highlight the fact that being a rational human being doesn't mean that one has no conflict. Just because you know the moral thing to do doesn't mean that you are blind to the possible (limited-range) value of the alternative. The difference is that one recognizes the greater value in acting rationally and morally.

Sure, I could probably call up The Cuban and ask him for a date and he'd probably say yes. But that is obviously not the best decision to make. So, at this point I'm not even responding to his recent note. There's nothing to gain by it.

BLOG FIGHT!

So, I was recently introduced to this new Objectivist Sex/Love blog, Erosophia. Yeah, Objectivist sex. Fun, right? Trust me: it's not always crazy rough sex like between Dagny and my man, Hank Rearden -- but sometimes it is. Haaaaaayyyyy! (Say that as gay as you can and possibly snap your fingers over your head.)

Erosophia is written by a couple, Jason and Megan. It seems interesting, but I'd like to see where it goes. They seem like they're still trying to find their own style and voice.

Well!

Ergo of Ergosum is TOTALLY picking fights with them now. Or maybe Jason is picking fights with Ergo. I don't know.

I don't care to track down the timeline, but snarks have been fired. Check out the comments on Jason's post on threesomes. And look at the comments on Ergo's oft-misunderstood post on sex.

I don't know who started this but it's all I can do not to make jokes about Ergo and Jason settling their dispute by dousing themselves in baby oil and wrestling it out gentlemen, but I have no idea how anyone would take that so I have to content myself with making a list of ways to pick fights with Brad Pitt. Actually, the fight picking list goes with a separate list of which Brad Pitt is just one option.

I blogged on a portion of Ergo's post over on my other blog, but I haven't been able to migrate my old posts yet. Ergo and I are also in the middle of a little email conversation on the topic as well.

I will admit: when I first read his post on the topic, I really wasn't clear on Ergo's actual position. It appeared to me that he was advocating "friends with benefits." After mulling the topic over with my readers, I came to the conclusion that "f!bomb buddies" and the like are generally immoral.

But I've also had the benefit of Ergo's own clarifications and I don't think he actually supports that.

I believe his argument is simply that there isn't some sort of crazy categorical imperative against sex without Love. There are lots and lots of situations that one can imagine that one might be in that would make sex with someone one doesn't Love the perfectly moral thing to do.

One situation is the case of Kira and Andre in We the Living. Kira does not love Andre. I think she learns to admire him some, but her love goes to Leo. Her reason for having sex with Andre is so that she can save Leo's life. Given their situation, Kira's actions are moral.

Obviously, most people do not find themselves in an oppressive socialist system where their lover is dying and the only available means of saving them is prostituting themselves to a leader of that oppressive system of government. That, my friends, is drama. DRAMA.

A more common situation might be one where one lives in a community where none of the available mates are ideal, so one is left to choose someone who is as good as possible. It may be argued that such a situation represents the individual "settling" for a lesser value, but bear in mind that no higher value is present. It would be inhumane to subject one's self to a life of celibacy when there are willing, not-offensive partners available. Naturally, if the ideal person does show up, one would drop the lesser to have the better, but we can't possibly expect that poor person to know that their ideal would arrive when all signs point to lifelong loneliness. It would be moral given the context of the decision for such a person to choose a mate of the available partners knowing full well that the highest level of Love is not available to them.

We can also think of an even less depressing and far more common scenario: dating. Let's say you find someone who is attractive and willing. You start dating them and every sign indicates that this person is a wonderful person and your relationship may one day develop into one of mutual respect, admiration, love, and reverence. But prior to realizing this deep love, you might choose to have sex with that person. It's a risk because you might break up. They might turn out to be a schmuck. Obviously, you don't want them to be a schmuck and you wouldn't want to have sex with them if you know they'll reveal themselves to be a schmuck, but neither would you save yourself for marriage.

And before I wrap up, I want to mention another situation in which sex happens but you're not in love: masturbation. I count masturbation as sex. We might stretch the definition of Love to say that one is loving one's self, but throughout this discussion we haven't used the word in that way.

So, anyway, the point here is that there are lot of cases in which one might have sex without love and still not be immoral.

This doesn't mean that one is going to go about being a rapist or that one is being an intrinsicist for advocating sex with one's ideal partner.

From what I can tell we're all on the same page here, but if folks have to get rowdy about it, I guess that's what they'll do. Who needs more baby oil?

The Date Cult

A few weeks ago a friend of mine invited me to go to this dating event here. It was to be facilitated by this guy who was supposed to teach us how to find and build relationships based on out deeply held values and some such. I don't think I really have a problem with that, but I thought I would go with my friend and -- who knows? -- maybe there would be someone interesting there.

It was... special.

At one point, we were arranged into two concentric circles where each circle would take turns asking each other questions like, "What's the last movie you saw that you enjoyed?" or "Tell me about your favorite pet or a pet that you'd like to have in the future."

Fracture. It's like a long episode of Law & Order and Anthony Hopkins reprises his Hannibal Lector persona this time as a man who plots to kill his wife. But it was interesting and I liked it better than Ocean 13, which I saw more recently.

In the future, I'd like a pet dinosaur. Any species would have its benefits, really, but I think I'd either like one that is big enough to carry me to work.

I was actually impressed with how insightful some people were. At one point, we were sitting in small groups and one guy observed that when it comes to finding men who share his values, he notices that some people share some of his values but often it turns out that they lack something important. He implied an understanding of the difference between essential and optional values. It turns out that he's a social worker. I don't know what values he was talking about, but I was still surprised.

The speaker was... special.

At one point he wanted to demonstrate that you can meet people with shared values by attending events and activities for gay men who share interests. The example he gave was going to a bath house.

I'm not SO interested in booty bumps and anonymous sex, but I really would like to know where the gay Objectivist nuclear physicist triathletes meet. I've begun scouring the internet, but I suspect that the only group probably meets in Switzerland. And I think it's a secret because I haven't found anything yet.

Another oddball activity was when he asked us to bow to one another instead of shaking hands.

He called two men to the center of our circles to demonstrate how people bow.

Thanks to my multiple post-graduate degrees in bending at the waist, I felt well prepared for any pop quizzes on this topic, but it was nice to have a little refresher. The two men opted for the prayer hands plus bow movement and showed the group. Most people imitated this, but I went with the far more advanced Japanese-style bow with my hands relaxed by my side. Once, I even had my hands clasped behind my back. I wowed everyone when I combined a handshake -- quite against the rules -- with a bow. I'm a bad boy.

The reason he wanted us to bow was because he said it was "more intimate." He asked the two men who demonstrated the yoga bow and they assured us all that it was "much more intimate" to not touch one another and perform a culturally foreign action as a means of greeting. I assured those who received my bow that I did not find it more intimate, but I was too pre-occupied thinking about how cool it would be to have a pet dinosaur to fuss over it.

I had fun at this event, but I felt bad for some of the people there. Many of them were older men who, I think, came to this event immediately following group therapy. There was a lot of talk of damaged self-esteem and most unfortunate family situations that I felt were out of place.

Later we were directed to give our phone number or email to people. I ended up with seven numbers and I gave my email to three people.

Since I was there with a couple of friends, we went for drinks afterward and we were joined by one of the guys I gave my number to. He's cute and funny, so we'll see.

All in all, it wasn't a complete waste of time, although I don't think I will do that again. But one of my friends who was with me there wants to go to Qwikdates now. Is that any worse than trolling the internet? I will say that it's a lot more engaging than sitting in a dark, crowded, noisy bar.

Stupid Magic

I was just on gay.com chatting with folks and this one guy IMed me. He's attractive, professional, funny, polite, etc. I was really excited to talk to him.

But, of course, before I'd go out on a limb and ask him out, I had to ask him THE question. Here's the relevant excerpt:

Flibby: Do you believe in god?
Flibby: You haven't indicated your religion in your profile.

Attractive Stranger: oh yes but not in a very conventional sense of what that might mean to most people

Flibby: Oh?

Attractive Stranger: so not a christian
Attractive Stranger: and u

Flibby: No, I'm atheist.
Flibby: Which is why I asked.

Attractive Stranger: dont get me wrong christianity is really hot on the right guy

Flibby: HA!

Attractive Stranger: not to worry
Attractive Stranger: were u raised as a southern baptist

Flibby: No.
Flibby: I was raised Pentecostal.

Attractive Stranger: oh my goodness

Flibby: slash Methodist.

Attractive Stranger: as in the texas Chain saw Mnethodist

Flibby: Well, sort of.

Attractive Stranger: now that was funny right

Flibby: heh heh heh... yes.

Attractive Stranger: ok
Attractive Stranger: just checking

Flibby: So, tell me this unconventional definition of god that you use.

Attractive Stranger: well if i had been raised as a penbtacostal that would have turned me into an atheist

Flibby: hahahahaaa... that's not why I'm atheist.

Attractive Stranger: God is not a person
Attractive Stranger: God is not a personality

Flibby: uh huh...

Attractive Stranger: but there is a pwer that revelas a pressence in the unfolding of things

Flibby: ?

Attractive Stranger: u really want to know

Flibby: Yes.

Attractive Stranger: its very hard to explain

Flibby: I imagine so.

Attractive Stranger: i have experienced the pressence in the unfolding of my life

Flibby: hm.

Attractive Stranger: thus the power speaks into my life thru the venst of my life

Attractive Stranger: the events are the syllables
Attractive Stranger: the emssage is slowly unfolding
Attractive Stranger: and my typing sucks tonights
Attractive Stranger: sorry

Flibby: That seems like a sort of buddhist way of looking at things.

*sigh*

No matter how muddled one's definition of magic, these sorts of beliefs all amount to the same thing.

First, their view of the universe is precarious at best. Certainty, even in the basic facts of existence, is up for debate. Their ability to deal with the facts of reality is beyond their power.

Second, their method of coming to know anything is grasping at straws. When it comes to broad, foundational aspects of reality, they rely on faith. When it comes to facts outside of the range of their immediate experience, they rely primarily on authority, guessing, or probability and they often fail to integrate whatever facts they are pragmatically certain of with one another.

It's so frustrating to me.

Eran Dror recently advised me to constrain my search for romance to people in technical or scientific fields because of their reliance on rationality. In general, I think this is sound advice. I just wish it weren't so common everywhere else.

Don't Do Drugs! Part 1

So, tonight I had a date with a deaf guy that I've been chatting with recently. I "met" him on gay.com. Yeah, I know. Gay.com is not the place to meet homosexual Objectivists or really any homosexuals who aren't interested in just one thing. But there are some guys on there who are interested in somethings other than sex. I've made a couple of friends there. Anyway, I've been chatting with this guy and it turns out he's deaf.

For as much chatting as we've done, I haven't quizzed him yet on my requirements. Even so, I agreed to go to dinner with him this evening and then go with him to a party.

Dinner was nice, but the party was a lot of fun. I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

His friends are all fun, interesting, and very genuine.

It took a little bit to get used to the signing and the odd speech patterns, but I caught on before too long.

I thought it was funny how they would "whisper" by turning their back to you or stepping around a corner or in some cases just signing behind someone's head.

This guy I went on a date with speaks very well and there is only a slight imperfection.

Anyway, that was fun. At the party, there were many hilarious things that people said. This one lady was a real character. At one point, someone said that there is some sort of national championship for female ejaculation and she exclaimed, "You mean there is something else I could be winning?!?!"

It was disgusting and hilarious.

Well, she entered the party saying that she once threw a bowl of diarrhea from her window on the 10th floor. The followed that statement with: don't do drugs!

Later in the evening, we insisted that she explain.

To be continued...

Seriously, No God.

I just got back from a lunch date with this funny, attractive, successful fellow. The date was reasonably entertaining, but he showed up 15 minutes late and gave me the excuse that he was talking to his pastor.

*sigh*

I know there are people out there who believe in God and magic and all that crap, but how is it that there are so many? And how is it that so many GAY people believe in God after all the suffering in the name of said God?

It's ridiculous. Not just for those reasons, either. It's ridiculous for a whole host of other reasons.

I'm just irritated with how common it is here in the white-hot center of human civilization.

Frenchie Update

If you're not familiar with who Frenchie is, go read my previous posts on him.

One of the things that I do not like about some people is their willingness to try to alleviate their own bad feelings by acting as if there is no cause for those bad feelings. I mean, if someone treats another someone badly, the first someone will often be very friendly to the second someone as if they both aren't aware of what happened in hopes of making the two of them feel better about the first's actions.

Why do this?

It would make ME feel better if he would simply say, "You know, I really wasn't that into you and I should have just come forth and said so. I'm sorry for withdrawing like I did."

I would say, "That's ok. Things like that happen. I probably could have just confronted you about it and put the issue to rest for both of us, rather than matching your strategy of not calling any more."

Because, really, I could have called him on it. That probably would have put this whole thing down. I didn't because I really didn't think our relationship warranted the extra effort. The message from him was clear. We weren't deeply involved-- in fact, we hadn't even reached the threshold of declaring the direction of our relationship and intentions for future commitment. So, it just wasn't serious enough to warrant a deep discussion on the matter.

Oh well. Spillt milk.

But last night, Frenchie sent me an email with a link to a funny YouTube video. On one of our dates, we watched SNL on television and laughed at one of the characters. It became a running joke between us. And he sent me a link to a YouTube video of that character.

Yeah, I get it. Hilarious.

But Double-yoo Tee Eff?

Anyway, I'm not responding to his note because I haven't anything to say about that. At this point, I'm not interested in dating him. I really just wish he'd stop contacting me and, if he does, don't pretend like we didn't date.

Did I Meet Ace or Gary?

I met a cute boy at a party this evening.

And by cute, I mean he's a total badass. He just happens to be kind of short, which is fine. Oh! And he's, like, 21 years old. That's not so fine. I hate to be considered an age-ist or anything like that, but I find older guys more attractive than younger guys. It's not so much a physical thing as a mental thing. I always think young guys are going to stir up trouble.

Well, this guy had me ignoring my generalizations about age and height and... pretty much everything.

Here's the problem: He's not gay.

Well, I think he's gay. He's very gay friendly and I'm sure he's a little more than just friendly, but I have a strict rule: I don't date non-gays.

I don't care what your flavor is. If it ain't gay, then I ain't got time for you.

And I think this guy will eventually come to the conclusion that he's gay. He's young. He has plenty of time.

That really doesn't help me at all, though.

There's a good chance that I will see him again soon. In spite of the rule, I find myself tempted to make a move. I could ask him if he's gay and just see what he says. I could just ask him out and see what he says.

But the rules are there for a reason. If he says he is gay, there's still the problem of his extremely young age. If he says he isn't gay, well, that's that. If he says he is willing to go out with me, we have the same issues.

I think I'm just going to leave this one alone. But it's still frustrating.

Update: Actually, I'm sure I'm going to leave this one alone. The rules are the rules for a reason.

First and Last Date

Several months ago, I received an email from Chemistry.com inviting me to join and find the love of my life. I decided to check it out to see how it was different from Match.com, its parent site.

It seemed alright. Nothing special. Just a different design as far as I could tell.

Well, it only matched me with one boy. Wonder of wonders he is my age. He's atheist (why are those so hard to find?) and his profile reflected a good sense of humor. He's cute. He has a real job i.e., not an actor, musician, or student. I don't think I've ever seen a better profile, actually.

So, I went to clickity-click and find out more and learned very quickly that Chemistry.com is distinct from Match.com in one important way: price.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before but I am stingy. I don't like paying for stuff like this. I mean, I can sort through a bunch of losers on gay.com and find perfectly nice people to chat with and, occasionally -- between explaining to people why I won't accept money for sex even if the would-be client is hot -- someone worth a date or two. And it is free.

I ate a can of cat food for $100. Just before we found out that Chinese people are taking revenge on us for our affinity for cheap sneakers by poisoning our pet food, even.

Rather than "stingy," let's say "thrifty."

But I really had to think about it because this boy looked to be cute as a button.

Well, that was several months ago and the other night, I was being thrifty on gay.com chatting with perverts and generally eroding my good faith in humanity by actually interacting with humanity ("free" isn't without its risks) when I got an instant message from -- you guessed it -- the Chemistry.com boy.

We chatted and it was fun. We buddy listed one another. We friended on MySpace. We agreed to meet for drinks.

Here's the catch: Boy is moving to Las Vegas in a week. Moving. Not just visiting.

Well, apart from being thrifty, one of my other traits is a near-foolish optimism about people and the general course of life. That is to say, I tend to think things will work themselves out.

I'm just waiting to be the perfect victim of some horrible crime. You'll see me on the news with curlers in my hair, a look of shock on my face, and a large blurry spot over my naughty bits. Watch for it. I'll YouTube it if someone can tell me how to do that.

Anyway, even though I knew he's moving, I agreed to meet up with him for dinner.

He is cute. Not exactly the sort I usually go for, but still attractive.

He is funny, although I think his nerves got the best of him and he was trying too hard. People react to stress in different ways. I tend to get quiet. He, apparently, becomes a chatterbox. I don't mind, that.

After a bit, we settled into a good conversational pattern. We laughed and carried on a bit. It was good.

Even if he weren't moving away, I don't think it was exactly a love connection.

For starters, he invited me back to his place. You might be thinking, "Score!" But I was thinking, "Those perverts on gay.com are right. I do look like a prostitute."

You'd think that moment would be both the climax and the end of the date and this story, but it's not.

When I declined his invitation to his apartment, he asked me to stay out a bit longer and go get a couple of drinks with him. I agreed since it was still pretty early -- although it was actually pretty late with it being a school night and all -- and I was enjoying myself.

So, we went and had a couple of drinks and continued our repartee and flirtations. And then the time came for me to head back over the river and get to bed. We chatted while we walked to the corner where we had to part ways and bid our adieus. I gave him a hug and thanked him for an enjoyable evening.

He asked, "Is that all we're going to do with this?"

I laughed, "What more is there to do?" I found the question a bit ridiculous. We're both fully aware of the fact that he's moving three quarters of the way across the continent in a few days. I couldn't imagine what more he could reasonably want.

Now, before you sniff and suggest I am naive, I will point out that rutting about like fevered animals is an option for some, but it isn't for me. I won't even consider making the beast with two backs and two horns with someone I've only just met and I am extending the benefit of the doubt to everyone else by assuming you -- and he -- would not regard it as a serious course of action in this context.

Well, the next day, he IMed me and the conversation was stilted and awkward. I couldn't think why, but I also couldn't pay attention to it because I was working. After a bit of chatter, he came down to the point.

"So, we hugged."
"Is that a bad thing?"
"A kiss is better."

The dude wanted me to kiss him and apparently he felt snubbed by my hug.

Well, I didn't kiss him because I didn't want to give him the impression that I intended more affection than I do. Basically, I didn't want to kiss him. Not because he isn't attractive and not because I didn't enjoy myself. But apart from the simple fact that I didn't feel romantically inclined toward him enough to make the move, I am also completely conscious of the fact that he's moving. It would be overhasty and foolish, I think, to launch a romance that is going to be thrown away or put on indefinite hiatus in just a few days.

I don't think "flings" are all that cool and I'm at a point in my life right now where I find sex too easy and therefore boring to pursue or even accept when offered outside of the potential for a serious relationship.

Perhaps I'm out of place in this city that is crawling with beautiful, gay men, but that's a possibility I'm willing to accept. But I'm not willing to ignore the obvious for the sake of someone else's ego.

Get This

Remember the Frenchman? He's the rocket scientist dude I went on a few dates with and at first he was very thoughtful and affectionate and suddenly he stopped being like that. At first, I thought it was just a mood and I decided to give him a little more time. But after a few more dates where I was the one doing the asking and the complimenting and the wooing, I decided enough is enough and I just let him go.

At the time I thought that perhaps I should just come out and ask him about it, but we had been on so few dates and had no conversations about the direction of the budding/decaying relationship that I thought better of it. I didn't want my first conversation about the possibility of a relationship to be, "Why don't we ever talk?"

I'm a crazy person in romance, yes, but not THAT crazy.

So, a couple of weeks have gone by since I've seen or heard from him. I just figured it was over.

Well, he wrote me an email last night saying that he guesses that I must not be interested in him.

Doubleyoo Tee Eff?

I wrote back like, "I thought you weren't interested in me!" yadda yadda yadda

Anyway, we'll see what he says. I don't know if this lunacy is worth the effort.

I think if we do decide to go out again I'm going to wind up being far more "communicative" about these things.

Boys are such weirdos. If they weren't so adorable, I really don't think they would be worth the bother.

He's Just Not That Into You

So, the French Rocket Scientist is really attractive and he's smart and funny. He's goofy in a way that I enjoy.

But I am getting the distinct impression that he just isn't that into me.

This will sound... all manner of ridiculous, but I've never had this happen before. I've always been the one to observe incompatibilities between myself and a potential mate and reject them, not the other way around.

I've certainly had those situations where we both decided at nearly the same time that it really won't work -- but this isn't one of those cases.

Of course, my dating and relationship experience is rather limited.

I think he's a nice guy and I'd like to spend more time getting to know him. But he's been rather distant and aloof of late. If this were his attitude from the start, I wouldn't likely think of it, but after our first few dates he was affectionate and sweet. I'm getting the distinct impression that this "affair" is winding to a close even before I thought it had really started.

Obviously, this isn't the end of the world or anything. It is something of a disappointment, though. Ces't la vie, non?

Update: When it comes to reading other people's minds I tend to second guess myself. Last night we talked about going to the movies tonight or tomorrow night. We agreed we would go tonight. He said, "Great! We'll chat tomorrow afternoon about what time."

I haven't heard from him at all today. No email. No text messages. No IM's. No voicemails. Not a peep. (Tis the season!)

I didn't expect to hear from him actually. As mentioned, I've noted that his behavior has grown somewhat distant. Yes, I could have taken the initiative and contacted him, but I think this adds to the evidence supporting my observation.

Yup. I think it's clear. He's just not that into me.

Update 2: So, when I didn't hear from him all day, I planned on spending my evening finishing my taxes and watching the SciFi channel. But my friend invited me to hang out with her this evening watching movies and eating Chinese food. I accepted her invitation and looked forward to having a girls' night in.

Well, at about 7, I was walking toward her apartment and my phone rings. It was Frenchie. And he wanted to know if I wanted to go to the movies with him tonight.

I apologized but declined the invitation because I had accepted other plans in absence of his confirmation.

He sounded disappointed, but we agreed to maybe go to the movies tomorrow night. I told him to call me. We'll see. Tomorrow night I'm planning on cleaning my apartment, finishing my taxes, and watching the SciFi channel.

It's Not Rocket Science

I went on a date with a rocket scientist last night.

!!!

I know, right?

He says being a rocket scientist is overrated, but I told him that most people don't rate science highly enough.

Last night, he and I did not discuss rocket science or anything, but I did ask him yesterday to make me an invisible rocket like Wonder Woman's jet because I was reading about some new material that does negative refraction. (It involves electrons and stuff.) He said it's outside, but, of course, I haven't seen it.

He's also French. Not that rip-off Canadian-Quebequois kind of French either. He's like right off the boat from Paris. This is neither a good nor a bad thing, but an interesting thing because I've never met any one who's French before.

I wish I spoke French.

He seems to have a good sense of humor, but I'm not sure I understand everything he's saying and I can't be sure he understands the subtlety of what I'm saying either. Although, I can't say that I'm really all that subtle.

He had a great plan for our first meeting/date, too. We went to the Buffy Sing-along. Could there be anything more fun and nutty for a first date? The only problem with that thing is that it takes place at midnight, which is very late in my opinion. I am not a night owl.

He taught me how to say "Vampire Slayer" in French. Tuer du Vampir. I don't know if I spelled that correctly, but I have been working hard on pronouncing that U properly. (From what I can tell, the French U is further back and near the roof of the mouth. It sounds like it's mixed with the American long E sound. Also, I didn't know this, but French T's seem to get "eaten" when they aren't at the front of a word. And ALSO I am going to guess that the unconjugated form of French verbs is used also for the gerund form of the same verb like in Spanish. Most of these points I'm guessing based on my English conversations with him, so I could be drawing conclusions without sufficient data.)

I noticed that he seems to have an iris coloboma. He didn't behave as if it affects his vision in any significant way, really, but I'm not an expert in such things. I had to figure out "coloboma" when I got home last night. (Thank you, Google!) And so I learned that iris colobomas are usually accompanied by retinal malformation as well. But I know he likes doing outdoor things like hiking and surfing, which would involve exposure to bright light, so... I dunno. I might ask him about it, but I don't know how sensitive he is to such things. It doesn't bother me, so I regard it merely as a topic of interest.

(It's rude to treat people like science projects, isn't it? Sorry. [You all kind of are science projects to me, though.] )

Apart from that trivial malformation of the eye that actually took me all evening to notice, dude is hot. He's about as tall as I am. He has brown eyes and dark hair and a nice strong jaw. From what I could tell, his body is *well* fit, too!

Unlike the last guy, he is actually an atheist. I haven't completely sussed out his politics. He definitely leans left a bit, which I suppose isn't a surprise, but I'm not sure how much.

When I mentioned my thoughts on global warming, he didn't freak out or anything. He didn't even attempt to set me straight. I didn't really get into depth about it, but still. If someone says, "I don't care what causes global warming because I'm not worried about it either way," most people at least make a comment. I think maybe he thought I was joking.

I probably shouldn't blog about this. You know how the internet is and with the changes I mentioned before, he'll likely find out about this post. (Maybe I will hide this post when those changes are closer to reality.)

But I had such a nice time.

We sat very close to one another at the bar before the show and during the movie we kept doing the legs and arms touching thing. But as strange as it may sound, I don't really like for things to get too physical too quickly. (This isn't the first time I haven't even kissed on a first date-- although in this day and age, many people take my unwillingness to express physical affection as a snub rather than judging by my words and facial expression.)

But! We're going out to dinner tonight. I want to think of something else we can do together, too. I don't really feel like just going to dinner and then to a bar or something. I would much rather go somewhere that I can actually see him and hear him talk.

He's an interesting fellow and I'm happy to spend some time with him. We'll see how it goes!

Goodbye!

My whole romance with The Cuban has been somewhat dramatic. Not dramatic in the sense that there was screaming and people flinging martinis in people's faces, but there has been a lot of talk and back and forth about things. And there's the whole "I have such strong passionate feelings" and the "Oh this inner torment and conflict" and yadda yadda yadda. Drama.

I guess that makes light of something that really shouldn't be made light of. I certainly do care for The Cuban quite a bit and he cares quite a bit for me.

In the modern way of thinking, those feeling trump everything including petty things like ideology. But I'm not a modern thinker, am I? I'm thinking about the future.

Well, The Cuban and I have exchanged goodbye emails. My hope is that my note offers a little more explanation and parries a weak barb that he tossed at me in his.

He wrote his first. They're both in the extended entry.

Hello there, I hope you are well. I didn't get to say goodbye so I figured I'd do it now. Even though we were together for a short time you made an impact on my life. The irony is that you never really asked what my religious beliefs are. It doesn't matter now because I know it can not be. So with that said, I wish you all the best.

I'll think of you often.

I love you.

The Cuban

I am doing reasonably well. I'm just getting over a bad cold that I've been fighting for a little over a week and a half now.

I actually did inquire after your religious beliefs once before we met, while we were just chatting, and a couple of times when we were dating. Your responses left things a little unclear at first because you said, "I'm not religious," meaning that although you do have faith, you do not practice. I foolishly took it to mean that you were some sort of agnostic. When I asked you why you wear a crucifix the first time, your answer implied that it was merely out of habit and not out of religious significance.

The question is largely moot because even after I found out with certainty that you do believe in God, I did not immediately break off the relationship. I tried to separate that aspect of you -- the part that accepts faith as reason enough for belief in something -- from all the things I enjoy about you. I think such a practice does a disservice to both of us.

You are who you are; the sum of all of your ideas, feelings, beliefs, passion, and even faith. It is your identity as the totality of those things that allows you to be you. If you took away one part of it, you would be something else, maybe only slightly different or maybe completely different, no one can know.

Love is an emotional response to the identification of one's highest, most treasured and sacred values in another person. For me, rationality is one such value. In a man I love, I must see an earnest dedication to truth, which can only be pursued by reason. Faith and reason are incompatible and mutually exclusive -- arguments and assertions to the contrary notwithstanding.

In order for me to try to love you in the way that you and I deserve, though, I would have to let that go.

I've spent my entire adult life searching for and seeking out truth and I've been very successful at it. It would not only be a shame but also a hideous betrayal of that effort to go against that truth in only venture in my life that could be more important, love.

I wish there were some brief way that I could explain that this isn't merely about "religious belief," but about one's fundamental methodology in life. Even if you decided that you would not claim a belief in God, just to be with me, the underlying issue would still be on the table. On the other side, if it were possible to claim a belief in God that was completely and utterly detached from every other aspect of your life, then it would not bother me -- but such a condition is next to impossible to identify.

You are and will always be dear to me and I wish you well. You have many qualities that I hope to find in a mate and I learned a lot from you. I took some emotional risks with you and I think they paid off. I enjoyed my time with you deeply and I will think of you often as well.

Thanks for everything

Flibby

Romantic Rehash

A couple of weekends ago, The Cuban (Did I mention him before? I was dating a guy I refer to as The Cuban.) dropped me an email and said he wanted to hang out. Quite against my better judgment, I told him that I would give a go at being his friend.

I think that if you were serious about a relationship, it is next to impossible, if not impossible, to make a successful friendship out of it. Some people do it and do it often. I have no idea how because it makes no sense to me and I've never ever been able to make it work.

Well, The Cuban and I (so called because he is actually Cuban. Well, he's American, but first generation from some Cubans.) went to dinner and we had a fun time.

So, he invited me out to drinks with him and his best friend.

When we dated, The Cuban and I had a great time. We laughed a lot. We did fun things. We got along great. And I met his friends and they all loved me, especially his best friend. So, going out for drinks with them was not a weird request.

So, I went.

Weeeellllll, one thing led to another and we wound up talking about getting back together.

Why did we break up in the first place? Because he's a Christian. I always check before going out with someone or on the first date to make sure they don't believe in any hoobie-joobie mumbo jumbo garbage. I do not have time for it in my life.

Well, The Cuban led me to believe, perhaps unintentionally, that he was agnostic. I will grudgingly accept an agnostic if all other factors are in place. But he's not agnostic. The man is Catholic. He just doesn't go to Church.

*SIGH*

I didn't really figure this out until after we dated for about a month and a half.

I know, you're thinking, "How do you miss a crucifix around someone's neck for SIX weeks?"

I didn't miss it. He never took it off! But when I asked him if he believed in God, he responded saying that he isn't religious. When I asked him why he wears a replica of a corpse affixed to an ancient execution device, he told me it was a family thing. I don't talk about religion very much and I also tend to be rather trusting of people to be forthright with things, so I didn't probe very much.

But it bugged me and I did wind up asking more questions and he admitted that he is Christian.

I dated him for a little while longer after that, but decided I couldn't take it.

He's a nice guy. We get along great, but there's more to a relationship than laughs and physical attraction.

I started worrying about our kids. What will they think when one daddy tells them not to believe in made-up magic crap and the other one is hanging corpses around their necks and flinging water in their faces?

An it's merely my own restraint and a sense of common courtesy that keeps me from openly deriding people's religions every time I encounter it. I work with a lot of Jews and Catholics, too, so I'm VERY restrained.

As I told another friend of mine, when times get hard, I don't want a man who will fall to his knees and pray, I want a man who will stand up for himself and kick some ass.

And forget the hard times. What about the good times? How can I possibly talk to a Christian about some esoteric point of science or economics or ethics or epistemology when I can't even trust his intellectual methodology? It makes no sense! Physicists don't call up L. Ron Hubbard (Yes, I know he's dead.) to see what he thinks of their experiment results.

So, that's why I won't date Christians and why I broke up with The Cuban.

Well, when I saw him again, I remembered all the things I enjoyed about him, but the inner conflict came back. How can I date someone with a fundamentally different view of reality? What is the best possible outcome for a relationship like that?

Well, I concluded that I can't. So, last night, via IM we got into it again and this time it's over for good, I think.

If you're at all interested, an excerpt from our chat appears in the extended entry.

The Cuban: you should meet mommy dearest
The Cuban: she's very uncoventional

Flibby: heh heh heh... I can imagine.

The Cuban: hahhahaha... she asked me over breakfast the other day... "there is no chance of you and [his boyfriend before me] getting back together now.. is there"
The Cuban: i said... of course not
The Cuban: she said good... thank god

Flibby: Ha!
Flibby: I don't know anything about Mr. [boyfriend before me], but I can't imagine how she'd be happy with you dating a heathen like me!

The Cuban: oh she wont care about that
The Cuban: she's all about me being happy

Flibby: grrr...

The Cuban: hahhahahhaha
The Cuban: what?

Flibby: *sigh*
Flibby: I don't want to get into it right now.

The Cuban: okay... you dont have to
The Cuban: i dont think youre a heathen

Flibby: I'm perfectly godless.

The Cuban: so
The Cuban: youre Flibby
The Cuban: youre belief system makes part of who you are
The Cuban: and i like who you are
The Cuban: everything is not black and white

Flibby: Yes, it is.
Flibby: Everything is exactly what it is and nothing else.

The Cuban: i can see why you would say that
The Cuban: but what you dont take into account is
The Cuban: human emotion

Flibby: Those are what they are, too.
Flibby: And nothing else.

The Cuban: so basically... would you not date me just because i was christian?

Flibby: If I had known you were Christian before, no, I wouldn't have dated you.
Flibby: It's not because I don't think Christians can't be nice, sweet, charming, fun people.
Flibby: It's because the thought processes involved with accepting faith as sufficient for belief are inherently risky and untrustworthy.
Flibby: It's a recipe for disaster.

The Cuban: i disagree

Flibby: Regardless, that's why I avoid dating Christians.

The Cuban: i am who i am... if i were aethiest i would still be the same person

Flibby: You would be called [The Cuban], but in order for you to be atheist, you would have to have a different methodology for approaching life.

The Cuban: i dont think so
The Cuban: i think youre wrong there... perhaps with other yes but with me no
The Cuban: ive never been a religious person

Flibby: In order for that to be true, you would be telling me that you're not just "not religious" but that you're a complete hipocrite about your faith.
Flibby: That it's totally meaningless.
Flibby: Which begs the question of why you claim it at all.

The Cuban: religious in the sense of the question of the church
The Cuban: but
The Cuban: really if this all comes down to the fact that i believe in a higher power whether or not it affect my day to day life then yes i do, its not something that i can explain
The Cuban: and i think if i were to make you happy then it wouldnt matter

Flibby: The problem is that in order to make me completely happy, it matters.
Flibby: I need to be able to experience the widest possible range of human experience in love.
Flibby: To have a conflict on such a fundamental level excludes part of that experience.
Flibby: I'm not talking about a disagreement about favorite television shows or a grocery store. I'm talking about on the way you and I view existence and our places in it.
Flibby: Like you saying things aren't black and white.
Flibby: I say they are.
Flibby: Regardless of who is right on that question, that's a pretty fundamental conflict.
Flibby: And to project a relationship into the future that has that level of disagreement requires acknowledging a significant risk of failure.

The Cuban: why not risk the failure
The Cuban: i would risk it

Flibby: Nearly everything involves a risk of failure.
Flibby: The probability of risk in this case is excessive, though.

The Cuban: isnt it worth it?

Flibby: No.
Flibby: The best result possible is a less than completely satisfying relationship.
Flibby: The worst result is a serious heart break.
Flibby: The math just doesn't make sense.
Flibby: It was very difficult for me to break it off with you, but it's these reasons that I just couldn't ignore.
Flibby: It's difficult, though, because I do enjoy you so much.

The Cuban: all i know is that i want to be with you... if we are talking about heartache.. well it hurts not having you around now so what is the difference later.. id rather try and fail then not try at all

Flibby: Because it would hurt more later. It would be even more difficult later.
Flibby: I mean, look at your past relaitonships...
Flibby: They started out with all hope, love, and joy
Flibby: And that was excellent.

The Cuban: i look at this one

Flibby: But the ending...

The Cuban: and what i see

The Cuban: is that months later

Flibby: The endings are so hard.

The Cuban: i still think of you
The Cuban: i still want to be with you
The Cuban: and if its so hard to end it then why end it... there must be a middle ground

Flibby: A middle ground?
Flibby: Between breaking up and being together?
Flibby: Either people are together or they aren't.
Flibby: You can't stay in the "dating" phase indefinitely.
Flibby: And I'm not really good at fuck buddies.

The Cuban: no not htere
The Cuban: i dont want a fuck buddy

Flibby: Well, there's friends.

The Cuban: i mean that there are exceptions we make for people we love

Flibby: And downgrading relationships is very, very hard.

The Cuban: i cant be your friend
The Cuban: because i just want to hold your hand

Flibby: I know the feeling.

The Cuban: and i want to kiss you

Flibby: It would be easier to be broken up if we had broken up about something a little less abstract.

The Cuban: i want to give it a shot
The Cuban: i mean jesus... i dont listen to patsy cline cause i think of you.. still
The Cuban: ive gone on too many dates and i dont want to be with them
The Cuban: so why not just try

Flibby: Because it will fail. It will end.
Flibby: It will only be more frustrating.

The Cuban: sweetheart

Flibby: It will get more an more difficult.

The Cuban: its frustrating now
The Cuban: and do you really think it will be more difficult

Flibby: Yes.

The Cuban: honestly

Flibby: Because I ended it once.
Flibby: It will be more difficult a second time.
Flibby: I've been down this road before.
Flibby: For me to date someone I know believes in God is a challenge to my personal integrity.
Flibby: I feel like a hypocrit.
Flibby: I feel like a liar.

The Cuban: you know what i think
The Cuban: i think you feel the same
The Cuban: about me
The Cuban: as i do for you
The Cuban: so fuck it
The Cuban: why not be happy
The Cuban: and frolic in the snow in central park
The Cuban: in the end of the day
The Cuban: i would have rather had that then nothing
The Cuban: dont you think that after all this time
The Cuban: there is still something there
The Cuban: how many guys can we both say that of

Flibby: Again, I didn't break up with you because I don't like you.
Flibby: Or because I don't enjoy your company.
Flibby: Or because I don't want to kiss you and hold you close.

The Cuban: i know this
The Cuban: so fuck it... lets just go with it and see what happens

Flibby: We did that once.
Flibby: I couldn't take it.

The Cuban: not really
The Cuban: sweetheart
The Cuban: i cant pretend to know how you feel
The Cuban: about that
The Cuban: but i just want to hold you
The Cuban: the funny thing is
The Cuban: that after friday night
The Cuban: i was like ... fine
The Cuban: at least i wasnt the only one

Flibby: Well, sweetie, I TOLD you that.

The Cuban: yes
The Cuban: and that meant a lot to me
The Cuban: more than youll ever know
The Cuban: the fact that 5 months later we are still having this discussion means something
The Cuban: you know what i think

Flibby: It means exactly what I said it means.

The Cuban: yes dear i know
The Cuban: but you know what i think
The Cuban: i think
The Cuban: you should come over tomorrow and watch movies with me
The Cuban: and just go with it

Flibby: :)
Flibby: I appreciate it.
Flibby: I don't think that's a good idea, though.

The Cuban: so then thats a no
The Cuban: ive never fought for anyone before
The Cuban: and ive never put myself out there like this before
The Cuban: and you know what
The Cuban: i risked it

Flibby: Yep.

The Cuban: so why dont you?

Flibby: I told you why.
Flibby: The best case scenario isn't all that great. And the worst case scenario just plain sucks.
Flibby: The risk is not warranted.

The Cuban: see thats where we disagree

Flibby: Like buying lotto tickets only with the odds stacked against winning.

The Cuban: but there is hope
The Cuban: and even if there was only a 10 percent chance this will work long term
The Cuban: i think its worth it
The Cuban: as far as pain
The Cuban: well
The Cuban: sweetie

Flibby: There isn't a 10% chance.

The Cuban: so why are you talking to me

Flibby: I told you why.

The Cuban: yes
The Cuban: both at odds

Flibby: Yes, I do have a conflict about it.

The Cuban: come tomorrow

Flibby: No, thank you.

The Cuban: then what is the point of me telling you when im going to miami

Flibby: Because up until this conversation I was really would have given it serious thought.

The Cuban: i see

Flibby: In order for me to consider all of this, I can't think about it.
Flibby: I can't give too much thought to the principles involved or the future out comes.
Flibby: In essence, I have to deceive myself and evade what I know to be true.
Flibby: If there's anything I think is a sin, that's it.
Flibby: But that's what I've been doing.

The Cuban: you can stop now

Flibby: Which is why I didn't want to get into this discussion in the first place.
Flibby: but now that I've had to lay it all out there, what can I do?
Flibby: I've said it out loud.
Flibby: The cat's out of the bag and every one knows there's an elephant in the room.

The Cuban: well Flibby
The Cuban: you have the dubious distincition of breaking my heart not once but twice

Flibby: Dubious, indeed.
Flibby: You're the first Christian I've dated seriously since I gave up the stuff over half a decade ago.

The Cuban: yes well
The Cuban: im just [The Cuban]

Flibby: That says a lot.
Flibby: I need to get to bed.
Flibby: g'nite

Intelligence in Romance

Do you suppose that Wile E. Coyote, Super-Genius, can only date other super-geniuses because unless they're a super-genius he can't relate to them very well?

Baby Talk

I went on a date with this guy a couple of weeks ago. He was a nice guy. A quirky sense of humor, but smart and well-established in his life. He seemed to be a pretty clear-headed guy. After our first date, we parted ways with a sweet, short kiss. It was a good balance of casualness and possibility.

On our second date, we went to dinner and we chatted more intensely. We had more in common, but several things not in common. He enjoys theater, musicals, and cabaret. I do not. He's Jewish, although it was unclear about whether or not he is a man of faith. We have similar career asperations and hopes for the future. We have similar outlook on romance.

At the end of the date, we went back up to his place "for a drink."

We were kissing and he broke our embrace to interject, "Dyou aw wewwy cyute."

"What?"

"Dyou are wewwy cyute an' funny an' sweet. Dyou aw a vewwy special guy."

That's right. This grown man of nearly 40 years old was speaking to me, a man of nearly 30 years old with baby talk.

Now, I don't mind being called "baby" or "babe." I even use those terms of affection. But baby talk?

I also understand that when people are getting close or physically intimate, sometimes unusual behavior emerges. Sometimes people reveal aspects of their personality that aren't usually for public display. Personally, I become a silent man of action. I don't talk much in those situations at all, but some people get quite chatty and verbalize all sorts of things.

Baby talk was a first for me. It's disturbing.

What if we had gotten married and adopted a child?

Can you imagine walking in on your husband talking to your child in the same voice, saying some similar expressions to an infant that he uses with you while being physical intimate?

Imagine that your husband is the kind of guy who gets really raunchy in bed. The kind of guy who is like, "OH YEAH. YOU'RE SO @$#% HOT. GOD, YEAH. YOU'RE A NASTY BITCH. DADDY'S GONNA MAKE YOU FEEL REAL GOOD. OH YEAH."

And you walk in on him talking like that to a 9 month old infant.

It's completely inappropriate. I promise. I've never seen that happen, but I promise it would upset me.

So, there will be no more dates for Mister Babytalk. The cabaret stuff was bad enough, but I just can't bear the thought of being part of a pedophilia fantasy.

Drunken Conversations that Should Never Happen

Friend: Flibby, let's stop kidding around.

Flibby: About what?

Friend: About you and me. Why are we trying to fool ourselves?

Flibby: uhhmmm...

Things kind of went downhill from there.

Happy New Year, Jackass

Not you guys. I love you guys. The jackass is this dude I met last night.

I went to this party at a bar and it was all fun and everything. I was watching a drag show (I pretty good one, actually. She didn't even lip synch! She was ACTUALLY singing.) and there were these two people next to me, a guy and a girl.

And I struck up a conversation and it was fun and all and they actually wound up coming over and hanging out with me and my friends.

The guy was kind of cute, but also funny and smart. We exchanged Missy Elliot lyrics! "Long weave, sewed in. Say it again. Sewed in!" He's a law student somewhere. We'll call him Steve.

So, I'm flirting with him a little bit and debating about whether or not I should ask Steve out or give him my number or something. The problem was that we were hanging out and I kind of like to do that sort of thing before I leave. For some reason, asking someone out makes for some awkward pauses even if they say yes.

Well, we're chatting and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this crazy lookin' guy comes up and says something to the Steve and they leave together. The crazy lookin' guy, we'll call the Good German, because he had that weird Euro look about him. It was like Euro plus Derelicte. Remember Zoolander? And it's not that he was dressed really badly, because I didn't notice that, but he had long, wiry blonde hair that looked like a wig to me. I actually wondered if he was a trannie. A homeless trannie.

Different strokes though, right?

I was like, "Whoa. That must have been a killer line." And I shrug and go on with the New Year's fun times.

I had to use the bathroom, so I get in line and the line is not moving. I look up and why isn't the line moving? Because Steve and the Good German were up front engaged in some SERIOUS tongue wrestling. The oral full nelson. Up on the ropes doing a flying body slam with the tonsils. You get the picture. AND they were backing up the line to the john, so, I walked around them.

When I go back to our friends, I told the female that I saw Steve and he's ok. He's just making out hard core with the Good German.

By the way, it turns out that the Good German was Israeli, not German.

Well, she's like, "Let's go get him."

So, we go to him and he's like, "Help me! Take me away!"

I laughed right in his face. I said, "You got yourself into this, bro, you have to get yourself out." (When I drink I turn into a frat boy. My apologies to everyone.)

Maybe I'm the jackass because I wouldn't lay down a cockblock for this stranger. But it's beyond a simple cockblock if dude has been making out for an hour an and half. That requires anullments and stuff, I think.

Well, the girl was nicer than me because she said to the Good Israeli German, "Nice to meet you!" and snatches Steve away and we return to our friends.

At this point, I'm getting ready to leave and the girl is like, "You should make your move now!"

But I'm like, "I'm not going to make a move. He was just with that other guy making out."

And she says, "So?"

And I said, "Well, if that's what he's into, that's his business, but I'm not interested."

The message was not very clear to her or him because I wound up having to excuse myself rather abruptly.

I have never in my life found myself making out with someone when I didn't want to. If I WERE in that situation where I was making out with someone and I decided I didn't want to make out anymore, I would just excuse myself and stop doing that. I don't require anyone to help me get away unless it's some kind of crazy rape situation and in that case, I would scream like Jaime Lee Curtis, not whisper, "Take me away." Besides, "Take me away" might send the wrong message to my rapist.

I can see it in court: "Not only was he dressed like he wanted it but he practically begged to be transported across state lines and sold to Wal-mart to make giant Tweety Bird T-shirts."

I just think it's kind of jackassy to take off to make out with some stranger and then ask ANOTHER stranger to help you get away from the stranger you chose to make out with and then to follow it up with some kind of wishful thinking that you're going to get a date later.

I'll tell you guys what I decided on my resolutions later. I need to go rest my hangover some more.

Funny Date Story

I went on a date this evening with this really cute Latino guy. (The date went fine, but I won't go out with him again because he's a baby Jesus lover and that's a deal-breaker for me.)

Well, we were sitting at our table in the restaurant and the ladies at the table next to us leaned over and said to my date, "Um. Has anyone told you that you look just like Wilmer Valderama?"

He said, "Yes. I hear it quite often."

He doesn't actually look like Wilmer Valderama. Yes, he has dark skin and dark hair. There is a slight similarity in their eyes and smile, but it's VERY slight.

Well, the women followed that up with, "You're not Wilmer, are you?"

And my date was completley confused by this. "Nooooo... ?"

We actually had a five minute conversation after that in which we had to pursuade these ladies that my date was not, in fact, Wilmer Valderama.

But I think it would be HILARIOUS if we turned up on a celebrity gossip website in the next couple of days. "Wilmer Valderama is gay!" "Wilmer dates mystery man!"

My date really wasn't amused. He thinks Wilmer Valderama is ugly. I thought it was hilarious.

The Point Scale According to Me

I firmly believe that a physical attraction is necessary for a romantic relationship. I've been obliged to decline overtures from otherwise enjoyable people because they were not attractive to me.

1 - Noticeable, unavoidable disfigurement. Congenital or otherwise. All forms of dwarfism, burn victims, amputees (although, I am obliged that I would stay with an amputee, but I would not embark on a new relationship with an amputee.), thalidomide babies who've survived into adulthood, etc..

2 - Overt unattractive characteristics that aren't necessarily confined to disfigurement. Tourette's syndrome, extreme facial ticks, horrible speech impediments, halitosis, those people who smell like fish constantly, no teeth and no replacements.

3 - Extreme lack of personal care, hygiene, or care taken to one's appearance. This includes absolutely horrid haircuts, unbrushed teeth, body odor, ill-fitting or very poorly matched clothing, and obesity. Think Steve Urkel, Newman & George Costanza, Ugly Betty, Flava Flav, or homeless people. A make over might help someone like Steve Urkel or Ugly Betty, but if those people existed in reality, they would be so far gone that it would be pointless to attempt it.

At this point, I will say that anyone in the 3 category or below is fundamentally undateable as far as I'm concerned. 4's are the absolute minimum.

4 - This could be a person of average appearance who lacks a redeeming personal style or someone who is just unfortunately disposed by their DNA. These people usually have something about them that is attractive enough to focus on in order to date them and honestly admit some physical attraction. Many of these people can be made over to look better and given a sufficient budget and their willingness to cooperate, they could be pulled up quite high. She's the "ugly" girl in the movie who takes off her glasses and shakes her hair and suddenly has boobs and a wardrobe that is two sizes smaller. Also, Christopher Walken on his absolute best day, but at night in poor lighting.

5 - Average. This is a person that you might not notice on the street. If they're a likeable person, there would be no problems finding them physically attractive. They dress acceptably -- although discussions about how clothes are meant to fit may be in order -- and take care of their appearance through a good regimine of personal hygiene. 5's are respectable although not overtly impressive. It should be noted here that a good sense of humor can launch a 5 up to a 6 easily. Vince Vaughn, I'm talking to you, you big freak. Also, I put Lance Bass in this category, but some people, like Matt Chancellor, love that dude. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

6 - Noticeable. Perhaps they dress well. Perhaps they just have really great eyes or a good smile and not much else. They're the kind of person you do a double take about and may not be able to decide if they're cute or not. The new James Bond guy is this way to me. He has killer eyes and nice lips, but sometimes looks really jacked up. Yeah, he has a great body, but the face can make or break a deal for me. I hate to say it, but Kevin Federline is also in this category. His personal style is completely dragging him down, but he can actually clean up nicely. If it weren't for his unfortunate taste, he might even be a 7 or an 8, but at this point in time, the merest suggestion is crazy talk. You're used to crazy talk from me, right?

I think a majority of the men and women that I see in a given day are either 5's or 6's. I tend to even think that there are more 6's than 5's.

7 - Attractive. Most people, regardless of their sexual orientation, can identify this person as being arguably attractive. You don't have to like them personally, but you can see that many people probably find them sexy. Michael Vartan is here when he's having a bad hair day and is lacking a tan and maybe got beat up. RE: recent photos I've seen of him. Reichen Lehmkuhl is solidly in this category for me, but his skeleton eyes drag him down most of the time. I'm not a fan of Johnny Depp, personally, so when I put him in this category, I can understand if some would challenge this.

8 - Hot/Very Attractive. This is a person that, if you get a date with them, you may find yourself doing one of the various dances that SEC football players get fined for "excessive celebration." They dress well. They smell good. They have good genes. They have great jeans. They have good hair and good posture. If you're like me, you stare at these people from across the bar and look away quickly if they look at you and you never go over and talk to them because you have this delusion that they're actually pod people trying to lure you into donating your DNA to their scheme to take over the planet. Or something. Michael Vartan is usually here. If you land someone who is consistently an 8, you have a hot boyfriend or girlfriend, which reminds me of a song.

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life..."

9 - Steaming Hot. Dreamy. Smokin'! This is where the hottest people I've ever seen in real life usually fall. I also put celebrities like Sean Ashmore, Matthew McConaughey, and Ryan Reynolds in this category. These folks are hot and debating whether or not they're objectively hot is an exercise in idiocy. If you don't recognize their hotness, you need to be kept off the streets with significant amounts of anti-psychotics. Do not operate heavy machinery.

10 - Ideal. This is the level of attractiveness that almost doesn't exist. ALMOST. It does, though. I used to work with this man whose only shortcoming was that he was only about 5'6". I didn't care because I, literally, could not speak to him for months. Once, I walked in on him rubbing aloe lotion on his torso in the bathroom because he was sunburned. I almost passed out. I'm not kidding. I almost threw up, too. Brad Pitt. Hugh Jackman. Justin Timberlake.

The point system is somewhat subjective. Not much, though. I mean, you might be physically attracted to thalidomide babies and midgets, but that's not right. Most people are not on the same page with you and there is no reason why they should be.

It's also important to point out that if you become emotionally involved with someone, romantically or even just friends, your rating of that person will likely shift upward, which is understandable.

So, there you have it.

I think I'm solidly a 7. Sometimes when I'm tired and have bad skin or something, I may fall down to a 6. On my best days, I think I manage an 8. With some photoshop work, I'll bet I could make it to a 9.

This is Irony

This weekend I went on a date with this guy that I think is completely unattractive. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is some sort of disfigurement, eg. congenital or burn victim and 10 is Brad Pitt, George Clooney, David Morse, Hugh Jackman, Orlando Bloom, Justin Timberlake or whoever you think is the hottest man in the world, he was a solid 3 on his best day.

I'm not saying I'm super hot or anything although I'm reasonably attractive. I'd say I'm a 7, maybe an 8 on a really good day.

Anyway, maybe I'll talk about that more later. But Mr. 3 says this to me today:

Flibby: Conan O'Brian... Ugly Dude: oh yeah, not so much a fan Ugly Dude: he is weird looking, I have trouble watching

I'm speechless.

Well, except for all the speeching I'm doing right now.

In Which I Discover that My Standards Might Be Too High

Scene: The subway station at 23rd and 8th

Characters:
Flibby - A dashing and completely sober young man
Kenny - A stocky, stoned and very drunk guy of about the same age

Kenny: What's your name?
Flibby: I'm sorry?
Kenny: What's your name?
Flibby: Flibby.
Kenny: Kenny.
Flibby: Nice t' meetcha.

[Pause]

Kenny: You gay?
Flibby: Heh. Yeah.
Kenny: Me, too.
Flibby: Great.

[Pause]

Kenny: Where do you live?
Flibby: Hell's Kitchen.
Kenny: What?
Flibby: Hell's Kitchen.
Kenny: Oh.

[Pause]

Kenny: I'm just waiting for the train.
Flibby: Yup. Me, too.

[Pause]

Kenny: Shit.
Flibby: What:
Kenny: I pissed my pants.
Flibby: What?!
Kenny: ha ha ha I pissed my pants ha ha ha
Flibby: Damn, dude.

[Pause]

[The A Train arrives]

Flibby: Well, here it is.
Kenny: Oh? What is this?
Flibby: A
Kenny: Oh.

[Pause]

Kenny: Well, I'll see you.
Flibby: Ok.

[Train doors close and the two part ways]

See there? I totally could have had a new boyfriend right there. But noooo... he was "'too drunk" and "too stoned" and "too covered in his own urine."

Clearly, I'm too picky about these things.

Come to Jesus

Whenever things come to a point where a confrontation is needed, when the pure and simple truth of reality can no longer be avoided it's time for a come to Jesus meeting.

When it comes to romance, along with a whole lot of really great and wonderful things, I bring a couple of pretty consistent errors in judgment.

First, I'm not very open about my feelings. I don't always voice my concerns about things. I also don't take compliments well. And I don't do a good job of voicing what value my partner brings to my life.

Clearly, these are issues that affect a person in more areas than just romance, so it's something I'm concentrating on in my life.

Second, I extend too much benefit of the doubt to other people and my incompatibility with me. That's a nice way of saying that I sometimes date people who aren't right for me even after I'm aware of the fact that they aren't right for me.

I'm not, as usual, going to go into details, but I ended another romance today.

Again, there are things about him I will miss and I learned a few things about myself and what I'm looking for in a relationship.

A while back, some of you may have seen a post that I removed later in the same day about this same relationship ending suddenly. It turned out to be a misunderstanding, but I was genuinely sad about it. I regretted what I think were mistakes I was making. Anyway, he and I worked through that conflict, but that obviously doesn't mean things could last.

Anyway, since then I came to the conclusion that he and I are not ultimately compatible. As a friend of mine put it: "If he's not the one, he's not the one."

But on the upside, I feel very liberated and confident in this decision. I also think that this marks a new chapter in terms of my romantic life and things are going to get better.

That is, naturally, up to me.