Flibbertigibbet

Star Jones a B!tch?

Star Jones must have done something real bad for Babs to have to say this.

RUDE!

Someone farted as they walked past my cube just a minute ago.

Concerned About the Company

I was invited to attend a birthday party at a bar somewhere next week. It might be fun, I guess. But I looked at the invitation on Evite and I grew worried when I read this:

Jeans are OK but no sneakers please. But of course if you have a fedora you are encouraged to wear it.

I'm kind of worried that Justin Timberlake might be resting under the delusion that he's allowed to talk to me.

Fedora? Seriously?

People, listen to me: Fedoras are faddish. They look weird on most people. They're fine as a quirky accessory, I think, for a particular outfit on a particular type of person. But we should not mistake that to mean that they have been cleared by good taste to qualify as a fashion staple.

And this isn't a fedora party or a "Dress like Indiana Jones" party.

It's a regular party.

When did dress codes get so complicated and oddly specific?

I Have Mean Face (Maybe)

Until recently, no one has ever made a serious attempt to approach me and strike up a conversation in a bar. Actually, until recently, no one has ever made a serious attempt to approach me anywhere.

I see people look at me, but people don't come up and talk to me. I've been told that I look unapproachable, which is a distinct possibility because the face I make when I'm not making a face does have a somewhat stern appearance.

Well, all of that changed last week.

On Wednesday night, I met up with a friend after work for drinks. While I was waiting for him to show up a VERY drunk man apparently in his late 40's wearing a red t-shirt covered by a long-sleeve denim shirt with a button-down collar and plaid shorts came up to the bar and stood next to me. He said hello and asked how I was doing. I returned his greeting and said I was fine and promptly looked away.

I looked away primarily because he was extremely drunk and not very attractive but also because I was completely caught off guard by the fact that he actually spoke to me without having been introduced.

Then! On Friday night, I went out with friends and we went bar hopping. We went to Barrage, Splash, View, and Barracuda. After that, I was hungry, so we went to a diner somewhere before parting company outside the 14th St Subway stop.

Well, I went down into the station and stood against a column waiting for my train to arrive and a guy approached. At first, he stood about six feet away looking at me. I glanced at him, but otherwise paid him no mind but to keep track of him from the corner of my eye.

He was an older Asian gentleman. Fit and smartly dressed. He was attractive in his own way: not my type, but I could see why some would be into him.

"That's a cool shirt."
"Thanks," I said.
"Did you get it here?" he stepped a few feet closer so that he needn't need to call out to me.
"Yes. I got it at H&M somewhere. It's one of my favorites."
"Purple."
"And pink." You have to see it. It really is a cool shirt and it looks really good on me.
"Are you from here?"
"I'm from Georgia, but I live here now. [pause] Where are you from?" Since I wasn't interested in him and I was also alone in a subway station, I was wary about engaging him further.
"LA."

Blah blah blah...

He got on my train and continued to talk to me. Without being very seedy about it, he invited me to go out with him. I declined but thanked him. We continued to chat until his stop and he wrote his cell number on his business card and gave it to me. He told me he was marching in the parade on Sunday with some friends of his and said I should call him. I thanked him and he left.

!!!

I didn't ask him for his number. I gave him every indication I could politely give to indicate that I had no interest in him. But he continued to chat with me.

I was so intrigued by the event that I did call him the next day to thank him and wish him a happy Gay Pride. He asked me out again, but I declined, but he shrugged it off and we chatted a bit more. He told me to watch for him in the parade.

I did see him in the parade; he was marching in the very last group with some cheerleaders.

So, that was a the first time anyone has ever approached me like that before!

Happy Gay Day!

I went to the NYC Gay Pride Parade today. It was fun, but very, very long.

I saw bare breasts, exposed penises, bare butts, leather, lace, motorcycles, roller skates, stilts, jock straps, thongs, men, women, and things in between.

I got free condoms, free lube, free facial moisturizer, free candy, free bracelets, free beads, free pamplets, and free stickers.

I saw lipstick lesbians, drag queens, bull dykes, muscle bears, fat bears, daddies, twinks, jocks, drag kings, priests, go-go dancers, and a senator named Schumer.

I got sprayed by water guns, doused with glitter, rained on, stared at, ignored, overheard, and misunderstood.

It took about 6 hours to get it all done.

Next year, I think I will try to attend the street fair on Saturday and just do the parade on Sunday. I'll make sure that I have plans for Friday night, Saturday night, and for Sunday evening after the parade. Also, I think I'll take the day off on Monday so that I can be worn out and possibly hung over the next day.

It was a fun time, but the lack of direction and complete chaos of it all tried my patience. I'm glad to be in my apartment right now, but kind of wish I were out having drinks with friends instead. Oh well.

This was a good first Gay Day for me in NYC.

Unsupervised

I'm working from home today.

I don't actually have any projects to work on... but here I am.

Body Slam

I've successfully cleared out my work queue completely.

Literally, I have nothing to work on right at this moment. I'm going to have to start making things up before too long.

Missed Photo Opportunity

I carry a camera with me pretty much everywhere I go. I think that I might see something interesting to photograph at any minute.

Yesterday, I had an awesome opportunity:

I was in the subway heading downtown and there was a guy standing on the platform with his back to me. He was wearing a wifebeater and if it weren't for all of his tattoos he might have been kind of hot in that sweaty, muscular, hairy guy way. Because his back was to me, I could clearly see the tattoos that ran down his triceps: WHITE PRIDE.

Yes, one arm said, "WHITE" and the other said "PRIDE."

I got my camera out and tried to situate myself to surreptitiously snap a photo, but I couldn't get it. His friends kept glancing toward me and eventually he turned to put his back against a column.

So, unfortunately, I couldn't get a photo to show you. All I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Hear Me, Broadway!

I do NOT like theater.

I find live performances to be overpriced and unpleasantly irregular and distant.

I do feel connected to the play just because there are people acting it out in front of me.

I do not appreciate the notion of a "collaborative" art.

I especially do not like musical theater.

I know! This is blasphemy in this town and among the gays. But it's a fact.

I was extremely annoyed when that stupid Rent song was on the radio all the time and everyone wanted to sing it out loud to me.

I went out with some friends from Georgia this weekend and they introduced me to several individuals involved in theater. I had nothing polite or meaningful to contribute to the conversation.

This is not to say that EVERY play is boring to me. It doesn't mean that I will shun every invitation to the theater or even that my attendance would be grudging. There are some shows I'm genuinely interested in seeing.

But, as a rule, I don't like theater.

Thank you.

That Guy Can't Get Enough of Himself

Now, Trey Givens has started a photoblog with pictures of his apartment and family and stuff.

Just to Prove This Isn't a Medical Blog Now Like Matt Chancellor Said

You know what I always get mixed up? Lewis Carroll, CS Lewis, Sinclair Lewis, and Upton Sinclair.

For your reference, should you be pressed as I was last night in bar:

- Lewis Carroll was a British writer during the late part of the 19th century who wrote Through the Looking Glass, which I've read. I've also heard that he was a child molester, but I don't know if that's true.

- Upton Sinclair was an American writer at the turn of the 20th century and wrote The Jungle, which was intended to be an indictment of industrialization in general, but is largely remembered for just being a disgusting account of people getting ground up in meatpacking factories. I haven't read any of his work.

- Sinclair Lewis was an American naturalist writer in the early part of the 20th century who wrote Babbit and Arrowsmith. Arrowsmith is about a doctor and Babbit is about a boring man in a suburb who sleeps on his porch and tries to cheat on his wife. I've read Babbit, but not Arrowsmith.

- CS Lewis was a British writer in the first half of the 20th century. He wrote the Chronicles of Narnia and attempted some works of more serious philosophical intent like Mere Christianity. I've read The Chronicles as well as Mere Christianity. The first few of the Chronicles are interesting, as I recall, but Mere Christianity is nearly gibberish.

Information on Hypertension

Here's a nifty link with lots of other links to lots of other information on the topic.

MedlinePlus: High Blood Pressure

White Coat High Blood Pressure

Apparently, there is a phenomenon where some people have high blood pressure when they're at the doctor's office.

I also learned from Wikipedia: "Recently, the JNC 7 (The Seventh Report of the Joint National Committee on Prevention, Detection, Evaluation, and Treatment of High Blood Pressure) has defined blood pressure 120/80 mmHg to 139/89 mmHg as "prehypertension." Prehypertension is not a disease category; rather, it is a designation chosen to identify individuals at high risk of developing hypertension," which, even on my best day is me.

And I learned that high blood pressure can cause renal (kidney) problems. I had some kind of kidney problem when I was little and so that worries me.

And BLINDNESS. Hypertension can cause blindness. CRAZY!

I'm going to try to step up my blood pressure monitoring to twice a day or more when possible. Lately, I've only been doing it in the morning after I wake up or while I'm getting ready for work.

Ideally, I would measure at the same time every day, but my schedule is somewhat irregular, which makes that difficult. But, on the bright side, I'm going to do this for a month and then I'll make an appointment with a doctor to see what they think.

I really would not be surprised if I do have high blood pressure. But I also really don't want it. I especially do not want to take medicine every day. Alternatively, there is no medicine to fix death, so if a blood vessle burst in my brain, I would be far more inconvenienced.

This is one of the few times in my life when I have actually been very disappointed in my biology. I wouldn't say that I'm a perfect specimine of the human animal or anything. I was born short-sighted. I was born into a family afflicted with addiction, cancer, insanity, diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity and bad teeth. But, in all, I have been pretty fortunate and am unaccustomed to having to deal with chronic or congenital weaknesses.

I survived Scarlet Fever! I kicked its ass!

But now my heart is beating too hard. Or my blood vessles are too skinny.

I'll not dwell on this idiosyncracy as anything of metaphysical value, indeed, it's just a fact of reality. But it'll be tough.

If I go on medication, I'll have to make sure my doctors know I'm on it. I'll probably have to make sure that I check the lables of cold medicines. I'll be worried about getting into some kind of horrible accident in which I can't tell emergency medical people about my condition and I'll wonder if I should get one of those bracelets. blah blah blah...

But it's better than being dead.

This Morning's Blood Pressure Check

126/76 at 67 bpm

A friend of mine is in medical school right now (and tends to make things up, so keep that in mind) told me last night that there are recent studies showing that the previous normal of 130/85 is actually high and that the optimal level is lower than 120/80.

I really don't know, so I will probably do a little research on blood pressure here in the next few weeks.

Meanwhile, I met a friend of said friend who lives here in New York and has a recommendation for a new doctor for me.

Overheard at the Office

Coworker: So, if you're leaving on Friday, who will be here to help us next week?
Admin: Our MIS guy will be back on Tuesday.
Temp MIS Guy: So, you'll be on your own on Monday.
Coworker: Oh. That should be ok. We're pretty self-sufficient.
Flibby from other side of the cube: We almost never set ourselves on fire.

My Blood Pressure: Are you Tired of This Topic, Yet?

I took my blood pressure this morning while lying in bed and it was high both times. Like 160/80 high.

I'll take it again later today, but it's weird to me that my blood pressure would be high while lying down and still half-asleep.

I reeeeaaaalllly don't want to take blood pressure medication for the rest of my life.

Flibby's Blood Pressure

I'm working from home this morning as mentioned. Well, I'm sitting here, so I figured that I would take my blood pressure just to see how it is.

125/74 at 79bpm

My monitor is really neat. It stores 99 measures and averages them for me!

Here's what I've had so far:

126/69 at 63bpm
128/74 at 63bpm
125/74 at 79bpm
Average: 126/72 at 68 bpm

The little book that came with it says:

Optimal <120/<80
Normal <130/<85
High Normal 130 - 139/85 - 89

Even at higher beats per minute while I'm sitting here working (and snacking on SALTY crackers and cheese!) my blood pressure is lower.

And in all instances it's normal.

I'm starting to think that I don't have high blood pressure afterall. I'll keep you posted.

One of THOSE Days

I woke up a little late this morning but made it to my trainer in time. He was a little late, though and our workout ran over. I had to pick up my laundry and then I had to rush to get ready for work.

In spite of my best efforts, I was 15 minutes late getting to the office where I realized that I forgot my computer.

So, I set down my bag, dug out my subway card and cell phone and marched home as quickly as possible where I realized that I forgot my keys in my bag... at the office.

So, I went back to the office and got my keys.

Then the trains were delayed.

When I got back to my apartment, I found out that I didn't lock the door to my apartment and I didn't need my keys after all.

Fortunately, I was not robbed.

I decided that I should just work from home until lunch time before attempting another trip to the office.

I'm not going to get into the details, but I also have a customer emergency going on this morning.

*sigh*

It's just one of those days.

Live Janice Blogging

- I told you they were ugly.

- I told you she did better with the guys then the girls.

- How much did Fiji water pay for that product placement? And who wants to drink what Janice is drinking? Not me.

- If you're trying to be a model, you need to not be a crybaby. Get some speed and some cocaine.

- Theresa Cutie? Is Janice going to pay for a nose job? For real?

- Ok. Full stop. Janice just said, "Getting a nose job is a huge honking decision." There's no laugh track on this show, though, so I couldn't tell if she was joking.

- Oooooo... markers. They're going to write on these people.

- And now dialect training.

- "Put sisters on magazine covers where they belong." Janice is racist. She said it, not me.

- How come I don't DVR the Tyra Banks talk show again?

- There's a certain irony to Janice giving people life coaching.

- OK. She made the hottie get naked. I might pass out.

- Ian decided to be a financial advisor and Janice gets all sour grapes on him. She's such a crazy bitch.

- And now we have an interlude of Janice missing the garbage man. She yells at people for being late, but she is a space-case.

- Homeless people sometimes miss appointments. Who knew?

- I love the helper guy. Janice says, "Is she ok." Help guy shrugs and looks at the ceiling, "She's homeless." True. True.

- Homeless girl seems to be in this for the perks.

- The Fiji water has stickers over the lable now. Did some PA miss it the first time around? Or did Fiji call having realized how damaging this could be for their brand?

- Janice is sensing a fellow bitch? And she's not liking it? Isn't that hypocrisy? In the words of Four Four, "consistency has never been her thing." Seriously!

This show is HILARIOUS.

Maybe I Don't Have High Blood Pressure. Maybe I Have Mood Swings

Per my agreement with my doctor, I went out and bought a blood pressure monitor.

I just took my blood pressure and it was 126/69 and my heart rate was 63 beats per minute. This is totally fine!

Of course, at the doctor's office, my bp was something like 149/80. I don't remember.

But 1) this is the first time I had seen this doctor before 2) I was sitting in my underwear 3) I was pissed off with the doctor because they were 30 minutes late opening their office this morning, so my appointment was delayed.

So, maybe it was just stress.

On the other hand, my high blood pressure has been noted on previous occasions.

We'll see.

I really don't want to have to take blood pressure medicine every day for the rest of my life. I'm not even halfway through my life!

Specificity

I went to the doctor and the dentist today and both of them required that I fill in my medical history. Each form contained a section with the instructions "Indicate if you have or have had any of the following problems:" This was followed by a list of ailments, diseases, and afflictions. For example:

- headaches
- constipation
- diarhea
- veneral disease
- scarlet fever
- high blood pressure
- diabetes
- angina
- depression
- neck pain

And so on.

So, I checked all the boxes that applied to me as instructed.

Both the doctor and the dentist looked at me alarmed and asked, "You have headaches?"

I was perplexed by their expression and responded, "I don't have a headache now. I have had a headache before and I imagine that I will have one again at some point." I also laughed and pointed out that I was merely answering the question as posed to me. I have had headaches.

They seemed to think that I was indicating that I get headaches regularly or that it is some sort of ongoing affliction.

I also checked the box next to scarlet fever, but they did not act as if that I were walking around with that.

The question is clear and I responded to it as such. But my dentist and my doctor seemed to think I was saying something else.

I wonder what other people mean when they're responding to that question.

Why I have High Blood Pressure

When people around me start freaking out, my response is generally one of outward calm and even disinterest. My first thought is usually that whoever is freaking out needs to be left alone to handle their business. My second thought is that their freaking out is, by definition, counter-productive and does not serve to resolve the situation at all and I want nothing to do with that.

In stressful situations, I think it is important for people to learn to find some calm and address the facts dispassionately. If someone freaks out over "small" issues like a lost credit card, a late project, or their car being towed, what hope do they have in more serious situations like a criminal trial, being lost in the wilderness, or when there are emergency medical personnel involved?

Unfortunately, even though my outward response to people who are freaking out is one of calm, they do cause me a certain amount of stress anyway.

Here's a prime example:

Account Manager: did you check out the SuperImportantProject1 web pages
Flibby: I haven't looked at them yet
Flibby: but DevGuy said they're on staging.
Flibby: I sent an email to the team alerting them to this.
Account Manager: i know
Account Manager: i see them
Account Manager: one of the links is broken
Flibby: K
Flibby: Please review for other issues
Flibby: Send me a list of all the edits in one email.
Account Manager: HelperGuy is sending me the path for the correct rules page and i will send it off
Flibby: I am working with ContactIveBeenTryingToReachForTwoWeeks on SuperImportantProject2 right now.
Account Manager: i don't see any other issues but CrazyClientLady is freaking out
Account Manager: so i need to get this to her asap
Account Manager: i can't show it to CrazyClientLady like this
Account Manager: she's a ticking time bomb
Account Manager: and DevTeam is soooo slow
Flibby: Which is more important to you right now:
Flibby: SuperImportantProject1
Flibby: or SuperImportantProject2?
Flibby: I can only work on one at a time.
Account Manager: SuperImportantProject1
Flibby: Are you absolutely sure that you want me to tell ContactIveBeenTryingToReachForTwoWeeks that I will talk to him later about SuperImportantProject2?
Flibby: Because if I drop this to do something else, I don't know when he and I will be able to work together on this again.
Account Manager: talk to ContactIveBeenTryingToReachForTwoWeeks about SuperImportantProject2- you'll get my email about SuperImportantProject1 in a few minutes
Flibby: K
Flibby: Please review the rest of it, too, though
Flibby: If there are other problems, I want to send a list.
Flibby: I don't want to send a bunch of emails each with one edit.

[Five minute pause]

Flibby: I'm done with SuperImportantProject2! I'm going to review SuperImportantProject1 now.
Account Manager: there may be a text change on the bottom of the SuperImportantProject1 pages but I don't know that now and will not know that until later - in the meantime, CrazyClientLady needs to see these pages and she's not happy that we haven't been able to get it to her sooner
Account Manager: so that's why i ask to make the link change and then we will worry about the date change
Account Manager: CrazyClientLady is aware of the date change but will think we are careless if we show her the rules are linking tothe wrong page

[Two second pause]

Account Manager: ok - we got clarification on the date change
Account Manager: i will send it to you
Flibby: Let's make a note for future updates:
Flibby: When the URL to pages change, we need to include that in our edits.
Flibby: Because I sent the URL to dev.
Flibby: They followed the instructions given.
Account Manager: i know that
Account Manager: OtherAccountManager is new to this
Account Manager: that's why it was overlooked
Account Manager: she didn't realize
Flibby: Ah.

Also, as a note to all y'all working in technology: do not piss off the developers. Do not say they have made an error unless you have evidence supporting your claim.

Developers are moody and sensitive. If you constantly show them you have no confidence in their performance, you can be guaranteed that they will spare you the concern by withholding their services where possible.

And also, don't piss off your project managers by freaking out and not following their directions. It gives them high blood pressure.

How I Will Die

I have long resigned myself to the fact that there is an extremely high probability that I will get cancer. If I an not diagnosed early enough I will die of it. It has happened before in my family.

So, I get regular check ups and I do what I can to avoid carcenogenic behaviors, substances, practices, etc. Really, there's only so much I can do, though.

Well, I went to the doctor this morning for my annual check up.

Apparently, my blood pressure is becoming a problem.

I'm not even 30 years old!!! BUT I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!

I exercise. I try to be mindful of my sodium intake. But I've always had elevated blood pressure and now it's high enough to where my doctor is talking about it.

The doctor even wants me to take medicine for it because he says I could have a stroke or a heart attack in 10 - 20 years if my blood pressure goes untreated.

I don't like the idea of taking medicine, so I asked about an alternative and he said that I should get a blood pressure monitor and chart my pressure over the course of a month and come back to him. If it looks like my average is actually normal, then we'll do nothing. It's always high, then he's going to push for medication.

*sigh*

This sucks.

ARG!

Why does the US soccer team have to suck so much?

I was watching the US-Czech match just now and I had to leave when Czech scored for the third time.

Why are our guys just standing around waiting for the ball come to them?
Why can't our guys get it together in close quarters?
Where's the pressure?
And who said we were soooo fast this year and the Czechs are old?

*sigh*

We're tons better than we were 10 years ago. I will say that. But this still drives me nuts.

And I'm a person who will yell at the TV. This is why I shouldn't watch sports.

Just Like Home

Jeff Foxworthy is on teevee right now and he just said, "back titties."

For Those of You Gossipin' About Me

I don't think I mentioned that I told Red I don't want to see him any more.

Yeah, he's fun and adorable. We had enthusiastic conversations about The Nanny, Scrubs, and running.

But it turns out it was a lot of flash with little substance.

And he reminded me again why I don't like artsy-type people. Why can't they arrive to places on time? Why can't they call when they say they'll call?

That was a week ago? Two weeks? I dunno. Anyway, you live and learn. Just thought I'd keep y'all posted.

A Dirty Joke

This terrifies me, but at the same time, I can't stop.

Overheard at the Office

Co-worker: Hey, Flibby! What's a Babicure?

Flibby: I dunno. An abortion?

These are the Last Days

Friend of the Devil: So, funny thing
Friend of the Devil: A mistake was made at payroll.
Flibby: Uh huh?
Flibby: A good one?
Friend of the Devil: They accidentally decided to cut me a random check for no reason. It is legitimately part of my payroll distribution for the month.
Friend of the Devil: So, when I get may paycheck, it will be less this ammount.
Friend of the Devil: It is neither good nor bad.
Flibby: uh
Friend of the Devil: Unless I want to invest the money and make a little extra interest.
Flibby: oooookaaaayyyyyy...
Friend of the Devil: So, guess on which day the check was issued.
Flibby: 6/6/6????
Friend of the Devil: Yes.
Flibby: THE DEVIL DID IT!
Friend of the Devil: And guess what the ammount was.
Flibby: $666.66???
Friend of the Devil: Yes.
Flibby: SATAN!
Flibby: SATAN!
Flibby: SATAN!
Flibby: The antichrist works at your company.
Friend of the Devil: And I could get no one there to explain to me even why the error happened.
Flibby: WhooOOOOoooooOOOOOooooo
Friend of the Devil: And they couldn't take it back. Once it's been issued, it's a check for good.
Friend of the Devil: So, basically, I'm screwed.
Flibby: They don't believe in cancelling checks?
Flibby: Why are you screwed?
Friend of the Devil: Because this obviously means I'm marked by the devil.
Flibby: Obviously.
Flibby: But you know what?
Flibby: It's not THAT bad
Flibby: Because if you're marked by the devil, you'll probably get rich and famous and have lots of hot girlfriends.
Flibby: From whose breasts you can snort cocaine.
Flibby: And you won't have to become Felicia!
Friend of the Devil: Just burn in hell.
Flibby: Just ask your new spirit father if you can live forever.
Flibby: Be sure to ask him to make you 25 years old forever, too. They're tricky with the immortality/non-aging thing.
Friend of the Devil: Good point.
Friend of the Devil: I have to get some work done for a bit.
Friend of the Devil: Chat later!
Flibby: Have fun doing the Devil's work!

I'm Gross

One of the 101 things removed from the human body is a bot fly maggot. Wanna see?

An Open Letter to Miss Manners

Dear Miss Manners

What is a person to do when one enters a store and the shopkeep has a bit of toilet paper stuck to his eyelid?

I wanted to say, "Hey there, fella! You have a bit of paper on your eyelid!" But then I thought that it might be there for a reason and after I thought about it for a while and decided that it was an accident it was too late to say something because if I did he'd be like, "Has that been there the whole time? You just NOW tell me?"

And what accident results in toilet paper stuck to one's eyelid?

I know, just last night I had peanut butter really close to my eye, but I'm sure there's a perfectly innocuous, not embarrassing reason for that.

Anyway, I didn't say anything but it was only just then that I realized I wasn't mentally prepared for that sort of situation.

So, what's a person to do?

As the Juvenile Male Ages, His Body Begins to Change...

I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner tonight because I love them. That was like two hours ago.

And just now, I went into the bathroom and found a big glob of peanut butter on my face under my left eye beside my nose.

How did it get there? I have no idea.

It's like I'm becoming the Cookie Monster of PB&J. If I spot any blue fur, I will let you know.

Train Crashes into a Busload of Nuns, Puppies, Kittens, and Babies Thus creating a Disaster so Big that the Balance of Good and Evil is Unset and the Earth Spins out of Orbit and Crashes into the Sun: Film at Eleven

"What could Flibby be talking about?" That's what people in caves are asking.

YOU, kind, gentle, cultured readers of good taste, of course watched the premier episodes of The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency, which is a reality show that shows us highlights from an event that rivals the one described in the headline of this post.

Wasn't that fun when we were all collectively tuned in to see Janice Dickinson utter such gems as, "I have two words for you: OUT!" and, "Africa is my favorite place on the planet!" And didn't you almost blow Spaghetti Oh's out of your nose like me when she told a homeless girl to get a nose job? Or did you miss it because you were still laughing about the fact that she asked a homeless girl in to be a model?

And is it just me or does Janice have terrible taste in women? I mean, some of those guys are unquestionably hot, but pretty much all of those girls (Except that one named Nads or something. Seriously, parents, do not name your children after your favorite depilatory product. Yes, parents of Veet, I'm talking to you, too.) were uggos. 5's at best.

So, how about this: You can come over next time it's on and we can watch it together. That would be awesome.

Doing it Wrong

I think I'm doing it wrong.

Manhattan, I mean. New York. The whole thing. I'm doing it wrong.

First of all, I'm lazy and slow. I get off of work at 6 and usually I come home and that's about it. Ok. I maybe go to the gym. Or to the NYU Objectivists Club. (Don't stalk me.) Or out to dinner sometimes.

Second of all, I'm a morning person. I have fought against coming to this conclusion, but it's true. I LIKE being up at 5:30 in the morning. And that is when I like to get stuff done.

The problem is that no one else likes to get things done at that time.

On the upside, for the past four weeks, I've only been able to sleep 6 - 7 hours a night. It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, how long the day before was, or anything. Instead of my usual 8 hours, I now sleep 6.

This means that I can stay up until Midnight and still wake up in time to watch the news and meet my trainer at the gym at 7 am.

This is actually very good news because New York is the city that never sleeps.

What I need to do is this:
1) Get a day planner, calendar, something.
2) Fill it up.

There are so many people to see! And there are lots of things to do. Like, how come I'm not taking any drawing classes? Photography classes? Language classes? Cooking classes?

Screw television. It's summer now anyway, so there's nothing on.

But I'm missing stuff. I know I am.

There was a gay rugby thing here and I was invited to parties for that. Oh gay rugby players! I'm sorry I missed you!

There was a gay bloggers event or something. I don't actually care about that, but it would have been something to write about, right?

Movies! I love the movies! I could go to the movies every night here and never, ever run out of things to see. Actually, they're playing movies in Rockefeller Center for the next few days. Unfortunately, the weather kind of sucks for that.

Theater. I hate the theater. But there are some things going on now that I'd like to see. Like Wicked. And Avenue Q.

I also need to work out more. For two weeks, I've been a slacker and only worked out twice a week. That is not how we get big and strong. I need to do more ab work, more weights, and more cardio. More, more, more!

Oddly enough, I've actually had a few ideas for fiction I could write. Maybe I could take a workshop or something.

THIS IS NEW YORK!

And I am definitely not taking advantage of it.

It's 9:30. I won't be asleep for another 2.5 hours, yet I'm already ready for bed and actually sitting in bed, too.

There are people I need to see and call.

Amy! I haven't forgotten about you!
Carla! You, too!
Greg! You don't read my blog but I have your number in my cell phone and I do plan on calling you some time!

Oh and don't even get me started on the books I have to read.

Anyway, I'm definitely doing it wrong. Where do the hours go?

Song of the Moment

Again, I've transcribed my own lyrics, so if it sounds funny to you... well, we'll all have a good laugh when you see me singing the wrong words.

"Got My Own Thing" by Liz Phair

I've got my own thing
Feel it, it is strong
As short as people think
But really it is long

I don't have to wait for a miracle
They say I'm pretty as a song
I don't have to save for a rainy day
I know that something comes along, it always comes along

Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And watch the silly things you do
Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And I hope you're swinging this way, too
Boy, I do

I've got my own thing
Feel it in a room
Everybody change
When I do what I do, Cause I do what I do

I don't have to say what I'm thinking 'cause
Everyone's radio is on and they've heard my latest song
Don't have to stand there with a drink because
They say that we would get along, so let's just get along

Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And watch the silly things you do
Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And I hope you swing it this way too
Boy, I do

I know you're not like other guys
I don't expect you to normalize
I won't get into what you do
Because I'm bettin, bettin, bettin, bettin, bettin all my money on you

I don't have to wait for a miracle
They say I'm pretty as a song, they've heard my latest song
You don't have to stand there with a drink because
I know that we would get along, so let's just get along

Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And watch the silly things you do

Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And I hope you're swingin' this way, too

Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And watch the silly things you do

Ooh boy, I'd love to help give enough rope to hang yourself
And I hope you're swingin' this way, too
Boy, I do

Pretty girl
There she goes

One of the fun things about this song is that it refers to another song on the same album. This song is a lot about independence and being a spirit free of any feelings that might be construed as codependence because of a longing for a relationship. The line "I don't have to wait for a miracle" refers to the song 'Somebody's Miracle' in which the speaker is looking at men around her and romanticising the fact that they make other women happy and one day maybe she'll have "a miracle," a man to make her happy. I wouldn't say 'Somebody's Miracle' is really filled with neediness, but it is wistful and has a certain fluffy urgency of a young girl who is looking for Prince Charming. By contrast, the speaker in 'Got My Own Thing' is more mature, defiant, and a little more edgy, although the tune and some of the lyrics ("I'm bettin' all my money on you") retain a playful hopefulness that keeps the song from coming off as bitter.

It's a fun song. Check out at your local iTunes store or something.

I Am Happy to Announce...

That I actually had good, challenging work to do at work today.

It was fun times.

Riddle me This:

Why does Lindsay Lohan look so sweaty lately?

I realize summer approches, but she's Lindsay Lohan. Or, what? Herbie doesn't have AC?

Oh, Wiki, You Crack Me Up

I use Google as my homepage and I recently decided to let it be customized. One of the features is a "How To" section powered by WikiHow.

It is hilarious!

The topics they show me are insane!

How to Run up a Wall and Flip
How to Blow Smoke Rings
How to Bury Your Burdens
How to Deal With Impossible People
How to Make a Soda Bottle Volcano
How to Stop Laughing when You Laugh at Inappropriate Times
How to Be Social at a Party
How to Adopt a Baby from China
How to Break up With Someone Using Style and Sensitivity
How to Choose a Martial Art
How to Walk Like a Catwalk Model

And the advice, particularly on the emotional issues is full of silly daytime television pop psychology:

How to Get Over a Break Up

We all go through breakups. They can be rough, and they can be amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go through them. Breakups are handled differently by different people. These steps may not be perfect for everyone, but they can help!

Step 1: Realize what happened and why. You have to make it clear to yourself that this is not all your fault. It takes two people to make a relationship start, and two people to have lead it to the break up.

I can't wait to do a wall flip, though. Will you spot me? Here's how!

Ashamed AND Violated

For two days I've been out of styling wax, so I haven't been able to to finish fixing my hair.

I hope no one has noticed, but I'm sure they did.

Fortunately, I've located a salon just a few blocks from here that sells Bumble & Bumble products. I'm going during lunch to set the world back at ease.

I just realized that since I moved to New York, styling my hair has required more than one product and often a hairdrier, whereas, in Georgia, I used just one and no hairdrier.

I think someone's metrosexuality is rubbing off on me. When I find out who it is, I am going to demand dinner first.

I Do Not Take the Drugs

But I love this song.

Where I'm From
By Shelby Lynne

Heaven knows this ain’t no Margaret Mitchell
But the oak trees needs the pines
I know it might sound kinda simple
Lord, but it’s mine Oh, it’s mine

Thought I heard a logman cuttin’ timber
Down the Mississippi line
I’m up the Old Tombigbee River
High as the pines, all the time

Elégamment les bateaux passent
Pendant le flotte avec le vent
All I’m trying to say is
I’m never far away from the
Alabama frame of mind

Jubilation risin’ on the bayou
Celebration in the wind
Father Pat gives benediction
Cross the Coden Cridge again

Crickets spreadin’ rumors by the shoreline
With the lonesome lady wine
Crab trap full of nothin
I’m high as the tide, all the time

Elégamment les bateaux passent
Pendant le flotte avec le vent
All I’m trying to say is
I’m never far away from the
Alabama frame of mind

All I’m trying to say is
I’m never far away from the
Alabama frame of mind

Again, this is my best transcription. I don't speak French (And it would seem she doesn't either) so I had a hard time with those lines. The best thing I could think was that it's to say "Elegantly the boats pass as I float with the wind." I totally made that up while searching for words in French that could be pronounced the way she does in the song.

At My New Job

I seriously do not have to do any work before lunch. I have like 16 projects right now and everything I have to do with them can be taken care of between the hours of 2 and 3 in the afternoon.

This is ridiculous.

Also, my boss planned a meeting with me. And then he didn't come into the office that day.

You KNOW how I get pissed off when 1) my boss doesn't bother coming to work 2) people don't show up for meetings that THEY schedule.

What's really extremely strange to me is that I have people come to me with the stupidest projects and when I get them done, they're ecstatic. I'm not kidding. They're projects that require a single email or a single phone call. I pick up my phone. Dial. Speak. And suddenly there's a party.

For real. I've had like a dozen of these already and one of the account managers wrote an email to my boss talking about how great it is to have me here.

I can't decide if I'm being overpaid or I'm just very, VERY overqualified for this job.

Some people might enjoy a job where they get paid to pretty much sit around for 8 hours a day, but I don't. I can be bored and waste time at my house. Or, better still, I can use my time for something productive elsewhere.

And the more I think about it, the more I think that I'm doing my career a disservice by staying here. This is kind of a step back and while it will flesh out my resume a bit, it could also undermine the management experience I already have.

There are good things about working here, but seriously? I might have to update my resume sooner than I thought because this shit sucks, yo. For reals.