Flibbertigibbet

Funny Date Story

I went on a date this evening with this really cute Latino guy. (The date went fine, but I won't go out with him again because he's a baby Jesus lover and that's a deal-breaker for me.)

Well, we were sitting at our table in the restaurant and the ladies at the table next to us leaned over and said to my date, "Um. Has anyone told you that you look just like Wilmer Valderama?"

He said, "Yes. I hear it quite often."

He doesn't actually look like Wilmer Valderama. Yes, he has dark skin and dark hair. There is a slight similarity in their eyes and smile, but it's VERY slight.

Well, the women followed that up with, "You're not Wilmer, are you?"

And my date was completley confused by this. "Nooooo... ?"

We actually had a five minute conversation after that in which we had to pursuade these ladies that my date was not, in fact, Wilmer Valderama.

But I think it would be HILARIOUS if we turned up on a celebrity gossip website in the next couple of days. "Wilmer Valderama is gay!" "Wilmer dates mystery man!"

My date really wasn't amused. He thinks Wilmer Valderama is ugly. I thought it was hilarious.

A Question for the Hetero Fellas

Let's say that you are a trim but well-muscled young man in your late 20's to early 30's living in New York and your roommate is a big, buff, worked out guy. Would you walk around in white low-rise, briefs?

I'm just asking because the guys across the street are super hot and until I saw that I thought they were straight.

Cuz I think if you're that hot and you're straight, you probably aren't going to just parade around in your skimpy undies unless you're drunk and/or there is a female involved. But I'm also not familiar with the boundaries of heterosexual male interactions.

Thoughts?

Also, if these guys are gay, why can't they make out in the kitchen now and then where I can see them?

Coming Home

It was such a thrill yesterday to think of coming to New York, not as a vacation destination, but because I was coming home.

I love this place so much!

Comments Closed Due to Spam

I got a bunch of spam over the last couple of days, so after deleting those comments, I closed the comments on those posts to prevent the spammers from returning.

Sorry!

More on my Sister

I've called her twice this morning and I haven't heard from her. Because she takes after my dad so often, particularly in her tendency to sleep for hours numbering in the double digits, I'm worried that she won't be here in time to get me to the airport.

Fortunately, if she is too late, I have the keys to one of my parents' other cars and I can drive myself. Unfortunately, that means my parents will be burdened with making another trip to Jacksonville to get their car back.

She had better get here on time!

P.S. In a show of support for a fellow fighterfighter who has cancer and has lost his hair due to chemo, many of the firefighters in my sister's station shaved their heads bald. My sister opted for a buzz cut. I officially have the longer hair between the two of us. (It has always been the better in terms of style.)

Update: Hobag called and is on her way. She sounds like she had a bowl of bitchyflakes this morning, too. I can't wait to spend two hours in her tiny car!

Tornado Watch

Merry Christmas, y'all!

My sister, the firefighter, works 24 on/48 off and she had to work today, so we had our Christmas celebration yesterday.

Today, there is a tornado watch until 3pm.

On the bright side, the pond is getting some of its water back and the swamps are regaining some of their swampiness.

No, no white Christmas for south Georgia. Par for the course.

So, my sister isn't here now. It really wasn't as bad as I had expected. She didn't show her ass too much.

Well...

Ok. For the past three days, my mom has pretty much spent all of her time cooking and cleaning. When I came in the door, I immediately joined the fray.

When my sister got here, she was less enthusiastic. Par for the course.

But she's so bad. Like, we're standing in the kitchen cleaning up the latest round of dishes. My mom asked my sister to dry while she washed. I was doing something else at the time. My sister dried perhaps three things and then went off to mix up more cookies.

Note: The cookies my sister was making weren't for us. The cookies my sister was making were for the firefighters. We had already been over this: we would complete Christmas dinner and then return to baking, but my sister didn't listen.

So, there we are trying to cook dinner and get cleaned up. I come back into the kitchen and see my mom washing and the growing mountain of wet dishes. So, I grab a towel and start drying. My sister isn't really able to complete her mixing because we have all the dishes and because we were in the way.

My mom's kitchen isn't very big. If three of us are in there cooking, we can easily move around one another. My dad can't fit in there with the rest of us because he is fat, slow, and largely oblivious to the fury of activity around him. (He's one of those people who are in your way but, really and truly do not realize it.) But if we're washing dishes, we block off a quarter of the kitchen and we're not able to move because that's where the sink is.

So, my sister is trying to mix cookies, but not doing so very efficiently and my mom and I are working on the latest round of dishes. Not realizing that she had been asked to dry, I asked my sister to put away the dishes as I dried them.

She put away perhaps three things before returning to her extremely inefficient attempt at mixing up cookies that are not on a deadline like the rest of the meal we're trying to prepare.

Par for the course.

My dad tries to be helpful but does not recognize his strengths and limitations. He should confine himself to the yard, the grill, washing dishes, or other tasks that either fix him to a spot out of the way or set him in another area away from other activity.

My sister is preoccupied with some interest of her own and will not listen to reason when it comes to how her interests can be scheduled so as to not interfere with everything else. She acts as if my mother and I will try to prevent her from baking her cookies and so she has to just do it herself immediately. Never mind that my mom and I are trying to prepare a dinner and we need the mixer and other things.

So, that was just one thing.

The other thing happened after dinner. We finished dinner, we got everything cleaned up. We were sitting down to perhaps watch a movie and my sister went back into the kitchen. I don't think she was making cookies; I think she was just packaging up leftovers to take with her. That's totally fine.

What wasn't totally fine was that after my sister got all of her food loaded into her car and she's headed out the door, she's saying goodbye to everyone and she pauses and calls to my mom, "Oh. I left a mess in the kitchen." And with that she was gone.

My mom didn't want to worry about it, so this morning she got up and did another sink-full of dishes.

When she's in a good mood, my sister's conversation is centered around the highly specialized interests of firefighters or law enforcement... or even trucking. (She has a job that involves interacting with truckers.) In a word: boring.

Now, you might object and picture the glamorous life of firefighters who spend their lives fighting dangerous fires, saving lives, and coming home to relationships strained by the necessary emotional distance they foster in themselves. RE: Backdraft, World Trade Center, or one of those television shows that I haven't seen, but I know are out there about firefighters or cops.

No. Firefighters in Savannah apparently spend most of their time playing pranks on one another, taking their firetrucks out to run errands, and just being redneck asshats. They don't fight very many really big fires. They do rescue cats from trees. They do go to the scene of car collisions and use those machines to bust open the cars to get people out. Mostly, it's uninteresting.

And my sister wants to tell you about every uninteresting minute.

And please do not disagree or point out that the chosen course of action is not the most obvious logical next step.

I have an example. We were all sitting in the living room yesterday and my sister says, "Flibby, will you do me a favor?"

"Maybe. What is it?"

"I need you to go by one of the firehouses in New York and --"

"Oh, no."

"-- I need you to ask them for a copy of their uniform SOP's."

"No. I am not going by a firehouse for you."

"But I'm on the uniform committee and I need to review other departments' uniforms so that we can pick out new things for us."

Now, I do not know why any research is necessary for this project of hers. We're talking about a polo shirt and a pair of pants. The question is what color polo shirt and pants. I suppose they can choose button-down shirts and t-shirts as well, just to offer some variety. But that hardly makes the case that one should consult with any number of other fire departments for official statements of their uniform requirements.

Anyway, I ask, "Why don't you just call FDNY and ask them to fax you a copy?"

She just made a goofy face and shook her head as if I were a retarded person asking something completely unreasonable.

I continued, "That's what I would do. I would just call them and say, 'Hey! I'm on the uniform committee for the Savannah Fire Department, could you please fax me a copy of your uniform SOP?' and I bet they would do it."

She continued to shake her head and make the ugly face.

"I'm still not going to go by a firehouse in New York. What? I just walk up, the homo that I am, 'Hey, fellas! I'd like to know more about those snappy uniforms!' It's not going to happen."

She was not pleased by my unwillingness to assist her in this capacity.

I am unclear as to why she thought I would be willing to do that or that it would be a good idea. But that's how she is.

Oh! Get this!

One of my redneck cousins stopped by the house the other day when my sister was here and they asked how I like NYC. I told them that I love it.

My cousin remarked that he had visited twice and he liked it but he didn't think he could live there. I told him that the city probably isn't for everyone, but I love it and that it's an incredible place to live.

My sister piped in saying that she would not like to live there either. She doesn't like the idea of 4 million people being in a 2 square mile area.

She has been to NYC before. She knows that there aren't just 4 million people milling around on a 2 mile by 2 mile plane. I've told her repeatedly that Manhattan is a 13 miles long and 2 miles wide at its widest point and that the population swells to 8 million during a business day. She has seen it and she knows that there are huge buildings to contain everyone and offer everyone their own space.

But still she persists in misrepresenting life in New York City. Her hyperbole is masked in unsubstantiated numbers and amounts to nothing but a lie.

I don't care if people don't want to live there. It is crowded. The traffic is bad. Some people are rude. There are lots of dirty things in the City. Personally, those things don't bother me very much and there is so much more to life in New York that they don't matter to me.

I'm sorry, country mouse, but just because New York isn't for you doesn't mean you have license to make things up.

Oh and she's still on this "I don't eat pork" kick. As kids, she loved ham. She used to eat it all the time. In the past few years, she's suddenly decided that she doesn't eat pork. That didn't keep her from the broccoli cassarole, though. I delighted to tell her that we had put pork in it, too. She ate it, though. So much for keeping kosher or whatever stupid idea she has in her head about pork.

And those weren't the only "white" lies I observed her telling in the two days I was around her.

I used to just find my sister somewhat unpleasant at times. There were cases in which she was pleasant and fun. It's been a while since I've seen that side of her.

These days I actively dislike my sister. She's rude and unpleasant. She lacks integrity and honesty. Rationality is not a strong characteristic in her at all. She's just a thoroughly unpleasant person, if you ask me.

I hope to interact with her as little as possible. Unfortunately, she's supposed to drive me to the airport. It's 2 hours to Jacksonville from here.

*sigh*

My Sister is Such a Dyke

My sister last night strolled over to the couch last night, flopped down and announced in a deep, gruff voice, "I had to crack open a Saturn Sky the other day. Talk about a tin car."

No one had been talking about cars, Saturn cars, or her use of the jaws of life.

She's a firefighter.

I wish she would just come out of the closet. I think there's a chance that if she found a girlfriend that she wouldn't be such an insufferable bore and, perhaps, even a little pleasant.

Who knows? I just know that I don't want to talk about cracking open cars because I do not care about that at all.

I'm sure more stories of her lesbionic powers of wonder will follow. I can't just run to the computer every time, so I will update you when I can.

This is Georgia. We Don't Believe in Winter

It's supposed to be 76 degrees here today. It's been raining for the past several days, so the humidity is pretty bad. I feel like I'm wearing the towel I used to dry off with when I got out of the shower.

Yeah, it's pretty ick.

And Thursday was the solstice. Welcome to winter!

My Parents Have Lots of Mucus

I'm developing a little bit of a germphobia.

I hate touching the subway with my bare hands... or any public doorknobs, actually.

And my parents are always coughing and hacking and spitting mucus into kleenex and it's grossing me out.

Clearly, my fear of germs is irrational.

Update: My sister stayed at my parent's house last night and she also has some kind of disease. She's coughing and sniffing and acting all gross.

I am surrounded by living petri dishes!!!

Made It!

My flight was only delayed by an hour last night, but by 4 am, I was safely ensconced in my parent's southern Georgia winter chalet.

It is raining here but the swamps are shockingly dry.

I miss my skyscrapers.

Silent Night

So, did you know that Christmas is, like, Monday? Yeah, the Monday that's coming up after this weekend that is almost here.

Did you finish your shopping? Fortunately, I got all mine done the Wednesday after Thanksgiving. (This, people, is why I am sometimes an overwhelminingly competent project manager.)

But I have to get on an airplane tonight and go to Georgia. Actually, before all that, I have to:

- Buy a cheesecake.
- Go to work.
- Get a haircut.
- Figure out how I'm going to get to LaGuardia, hopefully without spending more than $15.
- Walk around a lot with my luggage in tow.

So, yeah, Georgia, here I come. Woo. No, that should be, "Woo. Woo." Because that's how enthused I am about it.

Five days.

Georgia.

It's raining there.

They don't have big buildings there.

They don't have Manhattan there and that should be reason enough.

Five days.

With my family.

*sigh*

I'm not really looking forward to it at all.

There's dirt and bugs and wild animals... and my cousins.

I haven't been blogging because I haven't had much to say, really. This isn't the forum where I talk about the news. My personal life is... quiet. Work is rocking on.

So, anyway, that's about it.

Georgia, I'm coming for you.

Reflecting on Resolutions: The Year of Kicking Ass

Last year's resolutions were almost a total flop, y'all. I'm very disappointed in you.

Health and Fitness - Continue weight training, incorporate speed training for running, focus on maintaining a consistent diet that supports my goals.

Well, I did the weights thing, but I gave up on running to focus on them. The diet part is iffy as always.

Career - Get a new job in the area of sales engineering. This will give me sales, client, and travel experience.

I did get a new job, but I'm a project manager, not a sales engineer. I'm going to target account direction and sales jobs, though, in my job hunt for this year. More on that another time.

Education - I'm going to start taking classes from the OAC in September when the new academic year begins for them. I'd also like to work on Spanish, German, and French this year. (I've already started on German, so I have to keep that going.) And, also, I'm WAY behind on my reading.

I did not start taking classes from the OAC. With moving to New York and everything, it just seemed like too much. I'm still way behind in my reading and I only know one new word in German: Keikert. (I don't know if that's how it's spelled, but it's the word for frog.) I don't know that I know more French, but I think my Spanish is worse. I couldn't remember what "volver" meant the other day.

House - I have several projects in line around my house and yard, but I want to make sure that I only have one or two projects going at a time and that I finish one completely before starting another.

Well, I finished a few projects around the house before I moved out and rented it. But it wasn't nearly what I had expected to do.

I'm also woefully in debt these days with student loans, a mortgage, credit cards, etc. It's terrible.

But I still think 2006 was about kicking ass. I mean, I've gained 15 lbs of muscle. I moved to New York. I have a new job in my target industry.

But 2007 looks promising, so I'm not sweating those things. I can and will handle it. Plus, I turn 30 in 2007, which I'm kind of looking forward to.

I love guys in their early 30's, so maybe this will be a good year for romance, too.

I'm going to ponder my 2007 resolutions for the next few days and I will let you know how they turn out.

13 Hours

OH my goodness! I slept for 13 hours last night!

I didn't think I was that tired and usually I sleep for 8 hours and just wake up, but not last night.

CRAZY!

Who wants to go with me to Union Square for hot cider and gingersnaps?

Office Party

I'm at my office holiday party at the moment. I'm tempted to leave because it's almost 7 pm, but it's also kind of fun and now is a good time to try to meet some of the more influential people in the office.

From my Secret Santa, I got two things: The Little book of Scientific Principles, Theories, & Things and a Wacky Website of the Day calendar.

Considering who I am, these are good office gifts.

Well, I need to get back to it. If I'm not going to leave right now, I should at least socialize.

peas.

It Was Bound To Happen

Y'all know I love quizzes and surveys, right? Unfortunately for all y'all, my new job actually keeps me fairly busy and I don't have time to sit on the global intarwebs all day doing quizzes and filling you in on how much more rad I am than you are.

But the funny and delightfully fuzzy (I only know from pictures, not personal experience.) Michael Hartney posted one of those "You Ask Too Many Questions" things and so I'm copying him just to give some link love and to... well, do something before I go to bed tonight that doesn't involve trading quips with Matt Chancellor or Britton in my comments.

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

"Shave? Well, I should look good for those parties. But can't I look good with light scruffage? No, I really can't because it doesn't cover my entire face like most adult human males. So, shave, right? That means I have to get back into the shower. How is it that I'm late this morning when I've been up for two hours already? So, no shave? If I want that new job, I should do a little better to make a good impression, like, I dunno, showing up on time. Shave? No shave? Answer me here. You know what, though? I have my doubts that they'll pay me what I want and if they question the time I roll into the office, we should perhaps have a conversation about the time I roll out of the office. Ok. I'm not shaving. The rest of you can do what you want, but I need to get this show on the road. I wonder if I should get my new pants hemmed..."

It actually went downhill from there.

2. How much cash do you have on you?

No cash.

3. What's a word that rhymes with "DOOR?"

Christiana Amanpour. I don't know why.

4. Favorite planet?

Whichever one is currently falling under my control. I think it's a blue one this time.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

Karla. It was about dancing.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

The one that sounds like a buncha clicks. It makes people go, "What the eff was that?"

7. What shirt are you wearing?

Shirt? Naw, baby, I ain't wearin' no shirt. This is all man.

8. Do you "label" yourself?

I really don't like getting glue on my skin.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you're currently wearing?

Shoes? Naw, baby, I ain't wearin' no shoes. This is all Britney.

10. Bright or dark room?

Where? When? I haven't been to school in a while, but I don't think this qualifies as a real question. What if the room isn't bright or dark, but kind of in the middle.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?

I believe I mentioned the funniness and the fuzziness. What more do you want?

12. What does your watch look like?

There's one with a black leather band.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Asleep.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"Hey, thanks for coming with me to my party. You are a sweetheart. Party hard!!!"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

I have no idea.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?

certainly

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

My mom.

18. Last furry thing you touched?

A furry vest in Anne Taylor Loft. It was also partly shiny and gold. How could I not touch it?

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

No drugs that aren't in the food I've eaten.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?

I'll tell you as soon as you make twelve copies of this survey, mail it to 11 friends and send one copy back to me.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?

24 rocked. 29 is rocking MUCH HARDER.

22. Your worst enemy?

The person who made this lotto commercial of children screaming at the top of their lungs.

23. What is your current desktop picture?

A Jim Lee drawing of Superman is on at work. Here at home it's a picture of a city by Mike Belin.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

Bye!

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

Fly.

26. Do you like someone?

Like like or just like?

27. The last song you listened to?

"Baby, it's cold outside" sung by Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting. What? I like that song.

28. What time of day were you born?

10:11am

29. What's your favorite number?

In order from favorite to least of the single digit numbers: 3, 7, 9, 2, 5, 0, 1, 8, 4, 6

30. Where did you live in 1987?

Gumbranch, Georgia (It's a real place.) The exact place where I lived, however, is not.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?

Yeah, there's this hot guy at work who also has a job I want. I think wanting to sleep with him and take his job kind of qualifies as jealousy, right?

32. Is anyone jealous of you?

I'm not sure. I hadn't thought about it, but you know I'm pretty sure I did mention how rad I am.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

I was sitting in the corner desk in my office in Athens, GA.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

The last time I did that, I tipped it back and forth until it dropped my snack.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

No. I don't think about it much.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

On my shoulder.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

In order: Spanish, German, French, Italian, Russian, Hebrew, Greek, Latin

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

Sure. I'd even wave my arms around frantically and make a sound like "whacka-whacka-whacka-whacka" if they wanted me to.

39. Are you touchy-feely?

In certain contexts.

40. What's your life motto?

"The only thing I did wrong is I stayed in Mississippi a day too long." Actually that's a Dylan song. My mom always told me, "you can do anything you set your mind to." I tend to say, "If you aren't having fun, you're doing it wrong," but I also say, "If you can't find something to complain about, you're doing it wrong."

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Some means of telling time, credit/ATM card, keys.

42. What's your favorite town/city?

New York City.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

I gave my friend the $2 I had in my wallet because he had to buy my sour patch kids at the movies because their credit card machine was broken. Bastards!

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

1999, I think.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

Yes, but I make it a point to be the sort of person who appears as if they can't. I can also change a tire, drive a dump truck, drive a fork lift, drive a back hoe, use power tools, solder, rewire a lamp, and kick ass.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

Her husband has joined the Army.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

To the point that they came to the US from Ireland in the 1860's. Prior to that, they lived in Ireland for a hundred years and before that they lived in Scotland where our family was a sept of the clain McDonald in Aiyershire. So, roughly five hundred years or so.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

"Fancy?" I wore a black suit to work today, actually. Under that I wore a grey sweater and under that I wore a light blue shirt.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

My abs are kind of sore.

50. Have you been burned by love?

Yes and, upon reflection, I really was more trouble than I was worth.

Holiday Party Professionalism, Networking, and Manners

I have this friend who works for a pretty cool company that I am sort of interested in for one of my next jobs. So, he's a good connection as well as a fun guy to hang out with now and then. This past weekend he and I were out on the town and he said, "Hey! You should come with me to my company Christmas party! It'll be fun!"

And he described the open bar and the ice skating rink they had rented out. Drinking + Ice Skating. What could present a better networking opportunity or more hilarity?

So, I happily accepted his invitation.

On Monday, when I asked him about the details, he was vague and sort of reluctant. (It's hard to read people on Instant Messenger.) He mentioned some other friend that he was going to see at the gym and some other things and basically tried to talk about something else.

I was annoyed with that because I'm a planner. I like to know what's going to happen in advance. When I get up in the morning, I like to know what trains I'm going to ride that day. That sort of thing.

So, today, I asked him again about the party and he was vague again and I decided to call him on it.

Flibby: Is it still cool that I come along with you? I don't want to crash your company party or anything. Friend: i think its ok. the invite says bring a guest and kids are welcome... Friend: so ur my guest and [his friend] is my kid ;-) Flibby: hahahahaaaa... Flibby: Well, I really appreciate the invitation and I would love to be there, but if you've already used your guest invite on Erica, I don't think I should overburden the guest list.

By my interpretation of this discussion, I think he had already invited his friend and inviting me was a decision made under the influence of alcohol and now he's uncertain about it.

I have my doubts that I will be attending that party although he took pains later in the conversation to say that he thought it would be ok and that he would call me when he got to the party to see if it's ok that I attend.

I'm not hopeful and I'm only mildly annoyed by this. Yeah, he could have been more upfront with me about his reluctance, but these things happen. It's not the end of the world and there are other things to do tonight.

I was invited to another holiday party by another friend of mine and there's a birthday party for yet another friend that is happening tonight, too.

The biggest disappointment is not having the opportunity to make connections with folks at his company. It would be nice to meet some of those people before they see my resume in a few months.

Hoodie Addiction

Prior to moving to New York I did not own any sweatshirts.

It may or may not surprise you to know that I have this "thing" about garments with sleeves or waists that "grab." I don't like when the cuffs are close around my wrists. And when the waist is tighter than the body, I feel like the garment rides up.

But, I bought a black hoodie at Old Navy a while back and I kind of loved it. And then I bought this red hoodie from the Gap and I TOTALLY love it. I like to wear it under my leather jacket. It's so soft and warm and the cuffs don't bother me.

I love it! I want one in every color! (Except maybe orange or purple. Those colors do nothing for my complexion.)

Where You Should Not Stand and Check Your Text Messages

On the dance floor.

That's all I'm saying. Just don't be that guy.

Internet is Back!

It looks like those boobs at Time Warner are making some progress in fixing the cable and internet in my building because the person who set up their wireless network for the building is back up and running.

I now have a strong, consistent, ethical access point for getting online!

Yehaw!

Now I just have to find a friend who will let me watch Heroes and House at their apartment by the time new episodes start in January.

Walking Hurts Me So Good

This has been a mildly disturbing public service announcement.

*yawn*

I woke up about an hour ago and I can't seem to get back to sleep.

It's hot in my apartment. I remembered that I forgot to order peanut butter from Fresh Direct. I remembered that Fresh Direct forgot my gatorade. I can't remember what it was I was working on before I left work last night. It seemed important.

*yawn*

I guess I should at least get in bed in case I get sleepy.

I've been up for an hour. I was supposed to go to the gym in the morning, but if I'm sleepy, I know I won't.

We'll see!

Update: I think I got back to sleep a little after 4. As a result, I overslept this morning by about two hours. It's a crazy day!

Tina Fey, You're In. Matthew Perry, You're Out.

Did anyone get to see an episode of that show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, starring Matthew Perry as someone who isn't funny?

I did. It sucked.

Meanwhile, for some reason, I sniffed at the new Tina Fey show called 30 Rock until I caught part of an episode via the treadmill at the gym.

HILARIOUS.

Tina Fey is a funny lady. So is that wacky Baldwin guy minus the being a lady part. He's kind of attractive, too, but I'll bet he has a really big belly. (I'm putting him down as a 6 or a 7.)

It really is a hysterical show. I can't even begin to tell you.

I would totally hang out with Tina Fey. I'll bet she's a lot of fun in a very low-key way and I dig that. I wonder if she needs a roommate.

Tina! I'm going to be looking for a roommate in February/March. Let's do lunch and see how things go. I think we'd be great.

Oh yeah!

I forgot to tell you: I lifted 500 lbs on the hack squat machine this morning! 3 sets of 10!

Woohoo!

Update: My legs are killing me this morning. I'm not sure if I'll be able to walk normally at the end of the day. Feel the burn!

Skinny

Since I moved to New York in March, I've gained about 20 lbs. This morning, my trainer told me that I cannot be described as "skinny" any longer.

I'm not sure if I count as "slim," though.

I'm 6'2" so, 190lbs has some distance to cover. My arms are not huge or anything and my face has always been somewhat angular, which gives the impression of being trim.

But I have noticed that my back, shoulders, and chest are much more broad now. My arms are a little bigger.

I still think I'd like to gain another five to ten pounds, but it's kind of neat to now think of myself as "athletic" or "average" in terms of size and build now. I mean, this is really just a change in my self-image and it's hard to change that.

When I came to college, I weighed about 155. At one point in college, during my sophomore year, I got down to 145. After that, I got up to 160 - 165, but stayed there until I was 25. I managed to slowly gain another 10 - 12 lbs with weight training, but stayed at 170 for a couple of years.

I still think of myself as being 155 lbs, but I'm now 35lbs heavier. The difference is not insignificant and the adjustment is congnitively difficult.

I can't hop up on a table like I used to be able to do. It's not because I can't jump as high, but because the table will likely collapse under me.

The dimensions of my body are different now. Some of my old clothes don't fit me properly. There are times when I'm walking and I think I will narrowly miss something only to strike it solidly either to the detriment of the object or, more often, my arm.

My center of gravity has shifted slightly upward. This might not seem like a big deal, but I am used to being pretty light on my feet and aware of my body in space. Now, though, I have to be balance a slightly different weight distribution.

I asked a couple of the girls in the office and they agreed that I'm not skinny. They do acknowledge that I've gotten bigger, but they also thought I was never really "skinny." Interesting.

So, now I have to tell myself to think of myself as big. And I'll kick your ass.

Christmas List

In my family, we publish Christmas lists. Some people think this is silly or de classe, but much like Michael Hartney (a red-headed comic bear that I have a little internet crush on) Christmas lists are absolutely necessary in my family, although for different reasons.

First of all, yes, there are all the phone calls.

Second, I'm hard to shop for unless you're my best friend or roommate. See, I tend to run out and just buy the things I want. And it would be next to impossible for you to guess those little odds and ends that I want but am unwilling to just rush out and buy because they are likely out of budget or aren't worth the additional expense. (Don't mistake something that isn't worth the additional expense as something cheap or unwanted. Luxury items are often in this category because their expense fails to be worth it to me. Yeah, they're great, but I can live without them, so it's easy to squelch my impulse to buy.)

My mother is like me in this way.

My dad and my sister are the opposite. They're impossible to shop for because they lack a sense of luxury or a rationally bounded desire for material wealth. If you ask them what they want, they often say things like, "Socks" or "a gun" or "typing paper." Seriously, my sister asked for a Glock one Christmas and my dad does often tell us that he wants shirts and socks, but he doesn't mean fancy ones. He means white socks and blue shirts.

My mother and I can be very creative shoppers. We don't actually need lists because we could probably come up with something really cool for each other. But my dad and sister probably wouldn't appreciate our gifts as much as we appreciate them for them.

For instance, I would buy my sister clothes. But if I were a woman with my sister's figure (Who are we kidding? I would be SO much hotter than she is.) I would not wear the crazy lesbian clothing she's obsessed with.

Oh, you don't know what lesbian clothing looks like? Well, control-top jeans, t-shirts that are designed without sleeves but with logos or Tweety-birds. Ugly, mannish, unflattering clothing.

Lesbians, settle down. You brought this on yourselves. And if you cite shirts with ruffles on the cuffs and collar, I will have to admit that it's pretty gay.

Anyway, neither my dad nor my sister can be trusted to dress themselves, but they hate it when others presume to point out that their bras don't fit.

Hi! I'm gay and I know more about where boobs are supposed to be than many people who are genetically endowed with them.

Also, when my dad and sister shop, they don't know what to buy. I was given batteries for Christmas one year. I also received a whisk broom and dust pan another year.

So, we have to have lists.

If you want to ensure that you get one particular thing for Christmas, make a short list, put that thing at the top, include links to where it can be purchased, and tell everyone that you really only want that one thing.

Unfortunately, this does not lead to much surprise for you on Christmas.

I recommend the "long list" approach. This means that you make a very long list and then you give people lots of options at different price levels and then you're actually surprised Christmas morning.

Compare my sister's list with my list.

Sister's List

DVD SETS
DUE SOUTH (1,2,3,4)
THIRD WATCH SET (1-6)
PRETENDER (1-4)
NCIS (1-2)
GREY'S ANATOMY (2)
KYLE XY (1)
RESCUE ME (3)

BOOKS
LITTLE RED BOOK OF FIRE HOUSE PRANKS

OTHER THINGS
TIVO
PS2 GAMES
VACUUM CLEANER (I LIKE MOMS)
KNIFE BLOCK
TOASTER OVEN (BIG ENOUGH TO COOK A LITTLE PIZZA)
A DOWN ALTERNITIVE MATRICE COVER PAD (QUEEN)

I bought my sister Tivo. I had been planning to buy it for her for months already and it just happened to be on her list this year.

I should also point out that had I not already decided on her gift, I would be very upset with this list. It's too short, too vague at points, and contains nothing that I would care to buy someone for Christmas.

Also, I realize my spelling isn't perfect, but "matrice" is actually how she thinks a person spells "mattress." She also thinks that "mirror" is spelled "miro." I don't know why.

I also don't know why her list is in all capital letters.

Flibby's List

General Gift Ideas
Ski Blades & boots (I wear size 11 shoes)
Wrist watch
Black and brown belts to which I can affix different belt buckles
Cool belt buckles for said belts
Grey, white, brown, blue, or green hoodie (I have red & black. The Gap has a white hoodie with red inside the hood that I really like. I wear a Large.)
Socks with fun colors and patterns. (Avoid cartoon characters. Think argyle, stripes, polka dots, etc.)
Bose IE headphones
Homesite 5.0

Books
Next by Michael Crichton
http://www.amazon.com/Next-Michael-Crichton/dp/0060872985/sr=8-1/qid=1164636388/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-5152665-6351330?ie=UTF8&s=books

Hannibal Rising by Thomas Harris
http://www.amazon.com/Hannibal-Rising-Thomas-Harris/dp/0385339410/sr=11-1/qid=1164636424/ref=sr_11_1/102-5152665-6351330

Phantom by Terry Goodkind
http://www.amazon.com/Phantom-Chainfire-Trilogy-Sword-Truth/dp/0765305240/sr=1-1/qid=1164636457/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-5152665-6351330?ie=UTF8&s=books

Sparrowhawk VI: War by Edward Cline
http://www.amazon.com/Sparrowhawk-VI-War-Bk/dp/1596921986/sr=1-1/qid=1164636536/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-5152665-6351330?ie=UTF8&s=books

The Complete Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Watterson
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0740748475/ref=wl_it_dp/102-5152665-6351330?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2MSOYATZVUM86&colid=GRJZW0J9SU5E

The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
http://www.amazon.com/God-Delusion-Richard-Dawkins/dp/0618680004/ref=pd_ys_home_pop_img/102-5152665-6351330

DVDs
Steel Magnolias
Strictly Ballroom
Moulin Rouge
Muriel's Wedding
Dangerous Beauty
Chicago
Buffy the Vampire Slayer Seasons 2+ (I have the first season only.)
Serenity: The Firefly Movie
Superman Ultimate Collector's Edition (with all the Superman movies)
Spiderman 1 & 2
Bourne Identity
Bourne Supremacy
Indiana Jones (all of them)
X-Men (1, 2, and 3)
Terminator 2
Pirates of the Caribbean (1 & 2)
French Kiss
Clueless
Grosse Pointe Blank
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Stocking Stuffer Ideas
iTunes gift certificates
Banana Republic Gift Certificates
Wine accoutrements

I'm actually disappointed in my list this year. Usually, it's much longer and I cross-reference everything with links, but I was in a rush to put my list together this year.

So, there you have it! Get to shopping!

PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, PULL YOUR PHONE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

I have been on a call for an hour now with a man apparently keeps his telephone mouthpiece in his mouth. Making matters worse, he has a cold.

So, I have been sitting here listening to him breathe, smack, sniff, snort, and otherwise deal with the 20 quarts of moucus in his head while also breathing through his mouth and directly into my ear.

I am nauseated.

Be Gone!

I decided this morning to cancel my service with Time Warner Cable and not replace it with anything.

Yes, it will be annoying to not be in control of my own internet connection, but I will have a connection; one of my neighbors leave his/her wireless network unencrypted and labled "For my building" so I won't have to steal it either.

I will save money and headaches by not having to deal with Time Warner. AND because I won't have advanced television, I will have a lot of time to do other things.

Like blog. Woo!

Or go to Union Square for hot cider and gingersnaps.

The antenna to my television will give me some basic television options, though, so it's not like I'll be completely out of the loop. And I could re-subscribe to Netflix if I am really hurting for some televisual stimulation.

So, anyway. Time Warner and I broke up. I think I'm more angry about the whole thing than they are, but we'll both survive some how.

The Point Scale According to Me

I firmly believe that a physical attraction is necessary for a romantic relationship. I've been obliged to decline overtures from otherwise enjoyable people because they were not attractive to me.

1 - Noticeable, unavoidable disfigurement. Congenital or otherwise. All forms of dwarfism, burn victims, amputees (although, I am obliged that I would stay with an amputee, but I would not embark on a new relationship with an amputee.), thalidomide babies who've survived into adulthood, etc..

2 - Overt unattractive characteristics that aren't necessarily confined to disfigurement. Tourette's syndrome, extreme facial ticks, horrible speech impediments, halitosis, those people who smell like fish constantly, no teeth and no replacements.

3 - Extreme lack of personal care, hygiene, or care taken to one's appearance. This includes absolutely horrid haircuts, unbrushed teeth, body odor, ill-fitting or very poorly matched clothing, and obesity. Think Steve Urkel, Newman & George Costanza, Ugly Betty, Flava Flav, or homeless people. A make over might help someone like Steve Urkel or Ugly Betty, but if those people existed in reality, they would be so far gone that it would be pointless to attempt it.

At this point, I will say that anyone in the 3 category or below is fundamentally undateable as far as I'm concerned. 4's are the absolute minimum.

4 - This could be a person of average appearance who lacks a redeeming personal style or someone who is just unfortunately disposed by their DNA. These people usually have something about them that is attractive enough to focus on in order to date them and honestly admit some physical attraction. Many of these people can be made over to look better and given a sufficient budget and their willingness to cooperate, they could be pulled up quite high. She's the "ugly" girl in the movie who takes off her glasses and shakes her hair and suddenly has boobs and a wardrobe that is two sizes smaller. Also, Christopher Walken on his absolute best day, but at night in poor lighting.

5 - Average. This is a person that you might not notice on the street. If they're a likeable person, there would be no problems finding them physically attractive. They dress acceptably -- although discussions about how clothes are meant to fit may be in order -- and take care of their appearance through a good regimine of personal hygiene. 5's are respectable although not overtly impressive. It should be noted here that a good sense of humor can launch a 5 up to a 6 easily. Vince Vaughn, I'm talking to you, you big freak. Also, I put Lance Bass in this category, but some people, like Matt Chancellor, love that dude. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

6 - Noticeable. Perhaps they dress well. Perhaps they just have really great eyes or a good smile and not much else. They're the kind of person you do a double take about and may not be able to decide if they're cute or not. The new James Bond guy is this way to me. He has killer eyes and nice lips, but sometimes looks really jacked up. Yeah, he has a great body, but the face can make or break a deal for me. I hate to say it, but Kevin Federline is also in this category. His personal style is completely dragging him down, but he can actually clean up nicely. If it weren't for his unfortunate taste, he might even be a 7 or an 8, but at this point in time, the merest suggestion is crazy talk. You're used to crazy talk from me, right?

I think a majority of the men and women that I see in a given day are either 5's or 6's. I tend to even think that there are more 6's than 5's.

7 - Attractive. Most people, regardless of their sexual orientation, can identify this person as being arguably attractive. You don't have to like them personally, but you can see that many people probably find them sexy. Michael Vartan is here when he's having a bad hair day and is lacking a tan and maybe got beat up. RE: recent photos I've seen of him. Reichen Lehmkuhl is solidly in this category for me, but his skeleton eyes drag him down most of the time. I'm not a fan of Johnny Depp, personally, so when I put him in this category, I can understand if some would challenge this.

8 - Hot/Very Attractive. This is a person that, if you get a date with them, you may find yourself doing one of the various dances that SEC football players get fined for "excessive celebration." They dress well. They smell good. They have good genes. They have great jeans. They have good hair and good posture. If you're like me, you stare at these people from across the bar and look away quickly if they look at you and you never go over and talk to them because you have this delusion that they're actually pod people trying to lure you into donating your DNA to their scheme to take over the planet. Or something. Michael Vartan is usually here. If you land someone who is consistently an 8, you have a hot boyfriend or girlfriend, which reminds me of a song.

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life..."

9 - Steaming Hot. Dreamy. Smokin'! This is where the hottest people I've ever seen in real life usually fall. I also put celebrities like Sean Ashmore, Matthew McConaughey, and Ryan Reynolds in this category. These folks are hot and debating whether or not they're objectively hot is an exercise in idiocy. If you don't recognize their hotness, you need to be kept off the streets with significant amounts of anti-psychotics. Do not operate heavy machinery.

10 - Ideal. This is the level of attractiveness that almost doesn't exist. ALMOST. It does, though. I used to work with this man whose only shortcoming was that he was only about 5'6". I didn't care because I, literally, could not speak to him for months. Once, I walked in on him rubbing aloe lotion on his torso in the bathroom because he was sunburned. I almost passed out. I'm not kidding. I almost threw up, too. Brad Pitt. Hugh Jackman. Justin Timberlake.

The point system is somewhat subjective. Not much, though. I mean, you might be physically attracted to thalidomide babies and midgets, but that's not right. Most people are not on the same page with you and there is no reason why they should be.

It's also important to point out that if you become emotionally involved with someone, romantically or even just friends, your rating of that person will likely shift upward, which is understandable.

So, there you have it.

I think I'm solidly a 7. Sometimes when I'm tired and have bad skin or something, I may fall down to a 6. On my best days, I think I manage an 8. With some photoshop work, I'll bet I could make it to a 9.

This is Irony

This weekend I went on a date with this guy that I think is completely unattractive. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is some sort of disfigurement, eg. congenital or burn victim and 10 is Brad Pitt, George Clooney, David Morse, Hugh Jackman, Orlando Bloom, Justin Timberlake or whoever you think is the hottest man in the world, he was a solid 3 on his best day.

I'm not saying I'm super hot or anything although I'm reasonably attractive. I'd say I'm a 7, maybe an 8 on a really good day.

Anyway, maybe I'll talk about that more later. But Mr. 3 says this to me today:

Flibby: Conan O'Brian... Ugly Dude: oh yeah, not so much a fan Ugly Dude: he is weird looking, I have trouble watching

I'm speechless.

Well, except for all the speeching I'm doing right now.

I'm Stealing Internet Right Now

When I got home from work on Friday, I found that I had no internet connection and my cable was out. Immediately, I called Time Warner to report the problem. They said there was an outage.

On Saturday, when it seemed like every single one of my friends was busy or pretending like they have lives apart from the time that coincides with mind, I called again. No update or progress.

Today, I walked into my building and this dude from the second floor was complaining loudly about it.

Sidebar: Dude's body is awesome. His face isn't all that, but his current haircut really works for him. I know about his body because when it's warm out he walks his dog without a shirt on. His body is so good, you miss the face. And it's not his whole face, it's his teeth. He has a huge space in between his front two teeth. But his abs and pecs and the lines created by his obliques... um...

He was complaining about the outage.

Apparently, not everyone in the building was out of service. That is not symptomatic of an "outage."

No. The problem was that they were supposed to switch us all over to a new network, but failed to do so and when they shut down the old network, those of us, including myself, lost service.

The kind folks at Time Warner implied a couple of times that I was to blame for not scheduling an appointment to be changed over. Unfortunately, I was able to throw their own records in their face and pointed out that on September 13th, I was in fact home and I did speak with TWO technicians who both said they could not complete the change over due to some technical problem.

As it turns out, those technicians failed to follow up on the issue. And so, we were never switched over.

When I called back this evening with this new information, I was in a fit. They admitted the wrongdoing, but said that the earliest they could get here to fix it was December 13th.

UNACCEPTABLE.

If you know me, as many of you do, you may have heard my "professional" angry voice. It's the once that is only slightly lower in pitch than my normal speaking voice, but whatever southern accent I usually have, is gone. My words are sharply punctuated and clearly enunciated. I don't swear and I don't raise my voice. I've never met anyone who mistakes that tone of voice for anything but serious and uncompromising.

Well, a superviser at Time Warner got an earful of that. I told her the whole story. I laid waste to every ridiculous implied counter-argument she made. I explained that in order for me to work with them at this point, I would lose even more money (because it would cost me time off from work) to stay home and wait for them. And by the end of it, she was verbally running for cover.

One of my final remarks to her was that unless this came to a speedy resolution, this would represent the end of our business relationship.

Verizon offers cable and internet services. I'm sure their pricing is competetive.

So, tomorrow, I will be on the phone again with Time Warner explaining why December 13th is unacceptable. 26 apartments of 36 are without service. They need to fix this right away.