Flibbertigibbet

People. I'm Not THAT Bad

Coworker: I think I know that guy you were talking about. Well, know of him.

Flibby: Oh yeah?

Coworker: Yeah. The one with the leather sandals. He wears 3/4 length pants and pink vests?

Flibby: WHAT? Manpris?!?!

Coworker: Manpris?

Flibby: And pink vests? No, that is NOT him. Please! Give me SOME credit. I can't believe you would think that about me.

Coworker: Yeah. It kind of sounded wrong as I said it.

For the record, I am not trying to score dates with a man wearing manpris and a pink vests. Christ.

And I would DEFINITELY know he's gay if that's what he wears.

They're On A Roll

Again, I won't name names, but one of my customers wrote to me and asked:

Can you send me every single website link that [Micromega Corp.'s] web team has done, within the next hour, so I can sit down with her and go over them...

We've done over 2,500 websites in our history and over 1,000 of them are live today.

On the bright side, the sales rep who saw this request new without me pointing it out that the request was a bit absurd.

Query

Ok... so I'm watching the Smallville Seaon Premier and I have a few questions.

1) Why is the Smallville hospital always so dark?
2) Why does Lana keep hurting her legs?
3) How does no one ever find the Fortress of Solitude?
4) Why does anyone tolerate Lex lecturing about honesty?
5) Where's General Zod?
6) Where can I get a Krytonian outfit for work? (And a sock puppet?)

And also, Chloe's hair is great. It's a bit grown up, but still fabulous.

Signs of the Apocalypse

I'm reviewing some of our clients' sites to suggest ways to improve them for usability and just basic design practices and I actually had to write the following sentence:

Remove the illustration of the giant flying laptop with businessman-rider.

These are the end times.

Cute Boy Sat Next to Me! YAY!

Ok, so I went to class and cute boy was there wearing regular clothes... except his sandals. They were these crazy stylized leather jobs that I can't imagine how I'd pick them out let alone some straight boy picking them out... unless he just has wierd taste or picked them out by accident, which is something known to happen among the heteros.

Anyway, my prof invites his students to gather off-campus for drinks and conversation and today, when I got there, the sorta cute boy from my class was there and we got to sit next to one another on a love seat!

Oo la la!

But, here's the drama: there's this other boy who meets with us, too, who is ALSO cute, but in a different way, who always looks at me. He doesn't lick his lips at me or anything wierd like that, but he does make a lot of eye contact when there are plenty of other people to look at. So, he might be straight, but I can't tell there either.

See, this is why I'm not allowed to socialize with the other primates of my species. There's too much giggling and hair-braiding.

Word to the Wise

I don't pick up on hints well. This is largely due to the fact that I don't focus on people to the level that is socially-acceptable.

So, if you come to my house and say something like, "Wow! Did you make that apple pie youself? It looks delicious!"

I will say, "Well, no, actually. Mrs. Smith made it. I just put it in the oven."

And then I will keep talking about whatever else, completely missing the fact that you would like a piece of pie.

Actually, if you're at my house and I have pie, I will probably try to force it upon you because I don't think anyone should leave my house hungry, but that's a whole other issue.

The point is that I don't pick up on hints like that. You have to ask.

At my office, I'm supposed to give out raffle tickets. It's for a drawing or something. Well, someone came into my office this morning and they were like, "So, do we have to buy these tickets?" And I said, "Nope." And I kept on working on what I was working.

Just now, I realized that the speaker wanted a ticket. He should have asked!

So, the lesson is to not drop hints to me. Just go ahead and ask. Or make sure I'm paying attention to you when you drop a hint. So, clear away all shiny things. Do not present a brain teaser to me prior to dropping your hint. Do not tell me some bit of trivia or teach me some new bit of information. Otherwise, I will not be thinking about you. Instead, you should put your hands on my shoulders and look me in the eye and say, "Gee, that pie looks REALLY delicious and I am SO hungry." And then I might get it.

I'm just saying.

Slow child at play.

One of THOSE Days

I woke up late this morning. The whole sun not rising when I say it should thing is really screwing up my schedule. Ok. Also, me running late at night (8 o'clock) really isn't helping me wind down like it used to.

But anyway, I rode to work this morning with the crazies. And by "rode to work" I just mean that I drove here in my car and they in theirs and they did their best to make me question why I don't have a permit to carry.

I decided that as long as I'm going to be a few minutes late, I'd best do it up right and go to Starbuck's before I come into the office. I did that and I remembered that I brought two bananas with me this morning and now my desk looks like the pilgrims stopped by to thank me for lending them a quarter. Of course, by "remembers I brought two bananas" I mean that I just didn't stop to look at my hand. I'm a space cadet this morning.

I had my hands full this morning carrying my note pad, my ipod, my symbolic logic book, two bananas and a muffin and do you know what that crazy barista did? She put my "coffee" on the counter and set the sleeve on top. I had to set everything down to free up my hands to assemble my own coffee. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do no like food that I have to assemble. If I wanted to be a hunter-gatherer I would have gone to summer camp. Of course, this women didn't know me and if she hadn't jumped back behind that big machine, she would know all about it by now.

On the upside, I get to go to class today. There's a boy in there that I think is cute, but I can't tell if he's gay. Sometimes he picks out gay clothes in the morning. So gay that only a straight boy would wear them like that. Like GAAAYYY! But it will be nice to see him even though I won't talk to him.

And also, Sheryl Crow's new CD came out today. Unfortunately, I doubt that Amazon is dropping it off on my doorstep today, so I have to wait. I'm told it's good. Of course, I was told the last one was good and I like maybe three or four songs off of that.

Oh! And Sheryl, I swear if you pull another one of those "live concert" CDs again I'm going to break all the strings on your guitar and cut up all of your Live Strong bracelets. I hate that CD. Every time I try to listen to your music that CD comes up with people screaming and cheering and random rock stars singing where I'm trying to hear you sing. I don't like it. Don't eff with me, woman.

Yeah, so anyway. I need to get to work. I'm so behind on SO many things and it's only 8:30 or so. Oh well. It's like they say, "You gotta get glad in the same pants you got mad in."

Oddly enough, I said that to some Californians yesterday and they had no idea what I meant, but I digress.

Get Me a Sock, Markers, Paste, and Pom-Poms! STAT! This is Critical!

I really want a sock puppet to use at work. I want to tell people that when they ask a question, they can either get the answer I want to give or the answer I'm told to give.

Examples:

Sales Rep: Can you explain to the customer why the monthly fees for the upgraded application are more than the lame-ass one they have right now?

Flibby: Well, the extra fees cover the additional overhead and licensing costs associated with maintaining and hosting the site. More than that, however, these fees account for the extreme value differential between the two products. The fact is that the new application will help them much more effectively and efficiently meet their strategic goals.

Sock puppet: I can't decide between telling you go do your own job, telling you to go ask your manager how to do your job, or just slapping you silly. Give me a minute and then F!Bomb off before you make me mad.

Sales Rep: Can you tell me which product is for the Super Widgets?

Flibby: It's the one called "Super Widget" on the price list.

Sock puppet: I hate you.

Sales Rep: Yo! I just sold a customer on a Super Widget deal for 75% above list, but they have a question about the torque ratio and it's not on any of the Fact Sheets. I've looked at all of the information you published and it's not there. Is there another place I should look, or do you know that right off?

Flibby: Sure. It's 4:3. Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with.

Sock puppet: I am going to kiss you on the mouth.

And even if I didn't ever say those things, I really think I need to make a sock puppet right now.

Ask and Ye Shall Recieve

I thrive on consistency. I should publish a list of my rules and sayings because one of my sayings is "Planning makes fun."

Seriously. Planning makes fun, y'all. Only when we know the context of action and the direction of that action can we explore all the variations of arriving at the destination.

This is why I'm able to predict within a 2 minute variance my arrival time to any place I tell you I'm going to be. That means I arrive between 12 and 8 minutes before meeting you somewhere. When I show up at your house I will be there between two minutes early and two minutes late.

Once upon a time, I was to meet two friends for dinner at 7 o'clock. I left my house at the correct time to arrive at 6:50 but then one of my friends called and asked for a ride while I was in transit. I agreed and adjusted my travel route accordingly. Then, I called my other friend to let her know that I would arrive at 7:07, plus or minus two minutes. Perhaps not a big deal to you and it wasn't a big deal to her, but I arrived with my other friend at precisely 7:07 and our reservations were not compromised. Everyone had a chuckle about it, but it's a good thing that I make things work.

I digress. You're probably wondering how this relates to work and I'll tell you.

I publish a newsletter for my company. The marketing director wanted me to coordinate my newsletter with the Communications Specialist (CS) in her department. The CS and I had a conversation and I told him that I would only publish on Wednesdays and that I would publish on the Wednesday closest to the 15th in every month. He said that was fine and I never spoke to him again about it.

This month, the newsletter was slated for the 14th.

When it went out the Director of marketing wrote to me and asked if I coordinated this with her CS. I said that I had and I explained our argeement. I then asked if she'd prefer that I let him know every date of publication.

She said that she would. Five minutes later, I just sent her the publication schedule for the next year.

Punk.

How Not To Manage Meetings

Director Dan bragged in his 2.5 hour, unscheduled meeting that he didn't have an agenda. His thought is that he likes to just start a discussion and let it lead to "interesting ideas."

If he thinks his meetings lead to "interesting ideas," I think that I do not use those words to mean the same thing. When he says it he means what I would call, "unproductive, undirected caterwauling, territorialism, office political maneuvering and general time-wasting."

One of the many heuristics I use in my daily life is this: "If you don't know where you're going, you're never going to get there."

Without an agenda, meetings are pretty much pointless. They are GUARANTEED to waste time and accomplish little of what the organizer wants to accomplish. Director Dan is no exception to this, but the difference is that he doesn't seem to want to accomplish any thing in particular.

This is very frustrating for a person like me. I would rather come to work to work or just go home and do as I please.

Update: I just did a quick Google on meetings and found a link to ten tips to holding effective meetings:

1. Avoid meetings
2. Prepare goals
3. Challenge each goal
4. Prepare an agenda
5. Inform others
6. Assume control
7. Focus on the issue
8. Be selective
9. Budget time
10. Use structured activities

Under #4 it says, "Everyone knows an agenda leads to an effective meeting. Yet, many people "save time" by neglecting to prepare an agenda.

"A meeting without an agenda is like a journey without a map. It is guaranteed to take longer and produce fewer results."

Meetings at my office tend to violate almost every single rule on that list. They are numerous, unfocused, and unproductive. A few people know how to hold a good meeting, but only one or two of those people ever wind up calling a meeting.

While getting my MBA, I had a whole class on holding effective meetings and agendas were on that list, too. Director Dan has an MBA, why doesn't he know?

It makes me crazy.

5K Today!

My running buddy ditched me today. "Let me know when you can do at least 3 miles and then we'll run together again."

I wasn't hurt by this exactly because I was looking forward to our time together, but you can bet the rent I was determined to get back up to 3 miles in under 30 minutes QUICK.

So, I came home tonight and rocked out a 5K (3.1 miles) in under 33 minutes.

[hitch-pitched voice here] "Call me when you can do three!"

I'll give you three and a tenth, biotch, and you'll like it!

33 minutes isn't a great time, but I did it. In two weeks she and I will be training together again. With cold weather coming, it will be prime time for me to do speed training.

Oh, and there wasn't any death rattle in my throat tonight. I kept my pace slower than last night and it helped me regulate my breathing better to avoid the painful huffing and puffing. I think when I get back into shape the death rattle will go away again.

So there.

Today's Schedule

8AM - Arrive at work.
9AM - Get meeting request for 9:30 meeting.
9:30 - Meeting
9:50 - Get updated meeting request to 10AM meeting.
10AM- Find out that the 10AM meeting has been extended to 3 hours as opposed to 1. At least the company is buying lunch. Too bad the company isn't doing my work for me.
10:01 - Mentally freak out about the fact that no work or preparation will be done for afternoon meetings.
1:30 - Walk out of 3 hour meeting to do what preparation can be done. Apologize to boss and new VP who are leading the meeting.
2 - Meeting.
2:10 - Previous meeting runs long. Freak out about missing the 2 o'clock meeting.
2:15 - Realize that due to lack of preparation, the 2 o'clock meeting has to be cancelled. Account Manager is missing. Call client myself. Apologize.
2:20 - Realize that the 10 o'clock meeting that happened wasn't the real 10 o'clock meeting but a different meeting. The 10 AM was rescheduled for 3:30
2:30 - Sit in dizzy amazement at how many things have gone wrong during the day and attempt to identify which ones can be fixed before the next meeting or interruption.
2:37 - Get meeting request for new meeting at 4:30, which will require leaving the 3:30 meeting before it's finished.
2:38 - Freak out Freak out Freak out
2:39 - Realize that the project scheduled for tomorrow will be delayed as I clean up from today.
2:40 - Freak out Freak out Freak out

One Down 13.1 More To Go

I got the word from my podiatrist today that I'm allowed to start running again. I'm very happy about that, but I just ran a mile and I am now worried about the half marathon I'm planning to run on Thanksgiving Day.

I didn't run it really fast and, though there are a couple of hills, they aren't big, steep hills or anything. But I'm sitting here and my cheast hurts, my teeth hurt, I'm STILL panting, and my legs are acting like Harry Potter is trying to put the Petrificus Totalis on them.

I'm supposed to pick up with my running buddy tomorrow, but if I can't make it through one, I don't know how I'm going to do three or four with her. And getting back to where I can run more than 13 in a sitting is looking pretty scary right now.

But, I did this once and I can do it again. Whereas before it took me a couple of years to get up to that point, I have two months to get back. Looks like I'll be on the five or six runs a week plan again.

Gotta go stretch. I'll catch up with y'all in a bit.

Update: Does anyone know what the rattle is in my throat? It's kind of like I'm congested, but I don't feel congested. When I inhale, though, there's this rattle and a "hot soup" feeling in my throat. I find that it goes away after I get back in shape, but since I'm out of shape and trynig to run again, it's here. It also happens if I get a cold and try to run. What is that?

You Ask and I Answer

Reader Liberal Fury writes in response to my post "Republicans Make Me Sick":

Why in the hell would you vote for that illiterate s.o.b.? Honestly! You seem to be a person of relatively high intelligence. Why lower yourself like that? And why help screw the rest of the country?

If you think I'm intelligent, why do you assume that I'd make a decision with the intention of lowering myself and screwing the rest of the country?

Also, Bush isn't illiterate. He has written his name on several bad laws in this two terms so far, so I know he is at least functionally literate.

All kidding aside, the reason I voted for Bush is because I assessed him to be the lesser of the two evils.

If we follow the logical path of either of the major parties, we end in some form of totalitarianism, so I wouldn't even attempt to say that I think either are headed in the right direction. However, I think either could be headed in the right direction.

The reason I chose Bush is because I think it's more likely that the Conservatives will get more liberal in their social policies than it is that the Liberals will get more conservative in their economic policies. For some reason, it's easier to pursuade people to make "feel good" decisions than it is to make rational ones.

A "feel good" decision that the Republicans could make would be to allow gays into the military. The arguments against it are silly on their face and the arguments for it tend to go like, "But gays have a right to serve their country" or some such. Few people are pursuaded by the sound arguments for allowing gays into the military like "gays can shoot people just as well as straights." So, people are usually pursuaded to allow gays into the military because they don't want to be seen as harsh, uncaring, or judgmental.

Slowly, I think the Republicans will come around to the right policies. They may get there by the right or the wrong reasons and I think the wrong reasons tend to serve rhetoricians better in most cases.

The Democrats, however, are very unlikely to change economic policies because the "feel good" reasons argue against it. What on earth feels good about free market economics? Nothing. It means people have to either sink or swim. But every rational reason in the world supports free markets, but none of the feel good reasons do. So, the Democrats are that much less likely to turn from the error of their ways.

So, why did I vote for Bush over Kerry when I think they're both morons? Because even though I think either moron can make the right decision for the right reasons, it's more likely that they will make right and wrong decisions for the wrong reasons and given that Kerry uses the wrong reasons against right decisions and Bush uses the wrong reasons for the right decisions, I chose Bush.

I do not agree with Bush's wrong decisions or his wrong reasons for right decisions. I don't think it is helpful that any decisions are made for the wrong reasons. I think both candidates are wrong, wrong, wrong. But given that I had to choose, I chose the one most likely to make the right decisions but for wrong reasons.

An interesting turn of events in the form of the national budget shows why you can't count on either party BECAUSE they both use the wrong reasons to make decisions. Just as the Democrats are pursuaded against free markets because it feels good, so are the Republicans. This doesn't show that voting for Bush was bad any more than if Kerry had been elected and made mistakes that it would have shown that it was a bad decision to vote for Kerry. What it does show is that Bush is making bad decisions and probably for the wrong reasons. We knew THAT going into the discussion, though. It was bound to happen.

The other reason I voted for Bush is because Democrats often make me throw up in my mouth.

So, that's why.

Now, don't come on my website and insult me again or I will ban you. I'm not even kidding.

YEHAW!!

I just rocked out one lesson in Symbolic Logic and then took a test, which I know I also rocked out on.

Now, I'm going to cook and get cleaned up and ready for a dinner party this evening.

Right on schedule.

Heat, Glorious Heat

I love it when it's warm. To me, the comfortable room temperature is 72 degrees. Once upon a time, I thought that was standard room temperature, but when I go places, like to work or shopping, I find that it is MUCH cooler there.

I actually have a space header in my office because it often gets too cold in there for me to work. My poor little fingers get all tight and numb!

Well, the roommates loved having it cold in here also. They liked 68 degrees. 68 degrees is like an icebox to me. Well, now that they're gone, I've been able to shut off the AC and just open the windows.

Now, it's warm and I can hear the bugs and birds outside.

It's wonderful!

Bubbles!

I dunno what it is, but I am so sick of people right now.

I worked from home yesterday and it was awesome, but I felt my people-sickness coming on then.

So, I am SO excited about going home tonight, running a bubble bath, pouring a glass of wine and climbing into the tub with my symbolic logic book to fret over how to drink wine, have a bath, and read without getting water or wine mixed with things I don't want water or wine on, in, or around.

Only 8 more hours until I get to head in the direction of the grocery store and then home. WOO!

This is a rambling post; I should have warned you at the start. Sorry.

But I hate my grocery store. If I ever want to make something special, I have to go to a whole other town to their grocery store. All I want is spring onions and coriander. Why is this so difficult?

Another reason to hate my grocery: I saw a sign there yesterday that spelled 'hoagies' as 'hoggies.' I kept thinking the fat people would get mad, but I seemed to be the only one who noticed.

And then also can I tell you I am SO far behind in my logic reading? It's not even funny. Well, it's kind of funny if you think about reading about symbolic logic. Ok. It's just funny to me. Never mind. Plus I really need to complete the next unit in ethics this weekend, but I don't think it's going to happen.

At least it's Friday. Can't beat that with a stick.

Talk to you later!

Update: Apparently "hoagies" is a word prone to typos!

"Just when I thought that I was out they pull me back in."

Ok, I'm blowing things out of proportion now. The roommates are definitely gone and as I type this, the locksmith is changing the locks on all of my doors.

But! The crazy man who was arrested Monday morning called a little while ago asking me if I knew what happened to his money. I told him that I had no idea what he was talking about and I don't know where my roommates have gone now. I'm not even certain if any money was actually stolen.

Then! The police rolled up to my door this afternoon looking for Male Roommate. They had a warrant for his arrest. I told them that he might be in Atlanta, but he told me yesterday that they were headed to Miami on Monday.

Interestingly, the police said I almost went to jail on Monday. I may have almost gone to jail, but I sure as hell wouldn't have stayed there. Since there would have been no reason to take me to jail and the other police officer told me that I was in the clear, I think the officer from today didn't know what he was talking about. Schmucks.

Anyway, these particular crazies are almost out of my life completely.

WOO!

Update: Apologies to Godfather III fans. I got the quote wrong the first time.

Ding Dong the Roommates are Gone!

Well, they're gone!

I didn't have to call johnny po-po or anything!

They only took a few minor things here and there, like some art supplies I had and an alarm clock. They didn't take anything expensive or that I would miss dearly.

They did drill a hole in my wall for some reason. It's about a half inch in diameter; I don't know what that was about.

Upon reflection, another that really puzzles me is why so many things in my house broke while they were here. Like, the lightbulb in the freezer went out. My garage door is acting up. The A/C is acting a little strangely.

So, anyway, I got off pretty easy for having lived with crystal meth freaks for over a month.

Go me! WOO!

Ok. Who wants to be my roommate now?

How to Evict Your Roommates

I just called the magistrate court and found out that I only have to give my roommates written notice that they have 48 hours to leave and after that I can have the Sherriff serve them the eviction notice and then they have 7 days to either move or respond.

I'm typing up the written notice now.

These folks will be gone out of my house by month's end.

Update: After some consideration, I've decided to attempt a slight change of strategy. Instead of calling the cops and paying $66 for them to hand out some papers, I'm going to simply move their stuff out to the curb and change the locks.

Yes, this is known as an illegal eviction and they could certainly challenge it, but will they? These are people who have warrants out for their arrest, have and use drugs regularly. I doubt they're going to resort to the police powers to re-enter my house.

They aren't home right now, so I tacked my written notice to their door. When I do see them, we'll have a talk about how they're going to leave soon.

Update 2: I asked the neighbors to keep and eye out and call me if they see any of my furniture leaving.

But the roommates have already started packing. They said they're going to get cleared out in the next couple of days and they will come back to give me my keys personally and make sure everything is ok.

I may not have to resort to force! Woohoo!

And Then There Was One

Ok. Now that the police are gone and the houseguests have been ejected and the roommates know that they have to move out IMMEDIATELY, let me tell you how the events of the weekend, especially this morning, unfolded.

Friday Night
I was on my way out to a party, but as I stepped into the garage, a car pulled up and blocked me into the garage. Out stepped Male Guest, Dipshit, and Female Guest, Idgit. They introduced themselves and said they were here to see Male Roommate and Female Roommate.

I took them in and asked them to please move the car so I could leave.

Immediately, I didn't like Dipshit and Idgit seemed like an idgit to me.

Male Roommate told me that they might not be back that night because they were going to go out partying. I said that was fine and that I was headed out, too, but I would be back later.

I came back later and the roommates' car was still here, but the guests' car was not. Fine by me. I went to bed.

Saturday
I am awakened from my slumber by an argument. It was the voices of Dipshit and Idgit.

I got up, worked out in the yard a bit while the others did their thing on their side of the house.

When inside, I spent my time in my room with the door closed because I had absolutely no desire to interact with any of these people.

It was during this time that I was addressed as "gay guy."

I went out to a BBQ/Birthday Party, and when I came back there was a truck in the driveway blocking me from getting into the garage. I thought more people were in my house and was prepared to raise some hell about it. When I came in the door, however, Male Roommate was excited to see me. He told me that Dipshit and Idgit were staying for a couple of days until their house was ready and that Male Roommate and Female Roommate would be moving in with them by this Thursday. I was very happy about that and decided that I wouldn't make a fuss over the guests since they would be taking these silly people out of my house in less than a week.

The truck, it turned out, belongs to Idgit Male Roommate's boss. Do you remember how he stole this truck before? This time it wasn't stolen. Male Roommate's Boss loaned it to him to help Dipshit and Idgit move.

Sunday
I woke up early to do laundry and work on my homework. I kept my door closed mostly, but it wasn't long before Dipshit was up making a racket again. Because I had to park on the street, he pulled the truck into the garage to work on it.

I left Sunday afternoon to go to the movies and out to dinner.

When I came back, people were still noisy and stupid. Nothing new. I went to my room.

Update 3: I keep realizing that while the weekend was rolling, I forgot to tell you guys some important details. One such detail is the conversation I had with Female Roommate on Sunday evening.

She came to my room and told me that she and Male Roommate were very sorry for Dipshit and Idgit and that they would not move in with them. She also told me that they were pulled over Saturday night and Male Roommate was arrested because there was a warrant out for him for driving on a suspended license.

Because the town that had the warrant didn't want to come get him, he was let go once he posted bail.

Monday Morning
This is where it gets exciting, so I will slow down the storytelling a little bit. In retrospect, it might have been mroe reasonable for me to be excited to see the police, since I've never been around anyone getting arrested before. Or drug stuff. Or anything like that.

So, it's like 5:50 and I hear yelling. "Great. They get started early during the week," I thought and pulled the pillow over my head. Only the commotion got louder and louder.

Finally, at 6, I got up and pulled on some jeans and went out to the kitchen to get my Frosted Mini Wheats.

When I stepped out into the kitchen, I saw that Dipshit was pinned to the ground in the living room by two police officers and he was apparently very unhappy. I just paused to look at him before continuing to the cabinet and getting my cereal.

The roommates realized I was awake and up and they came to jibber-jabber at me and I couldn't eat my cereal right away. The police also wanted to ask me a few questions.

"No, I do not know those people, they are guests of my roommates."
"Yes, I am quite angry."
"Yes, I own this house."
"No, I do not know about drugs."
"No, I would not be surprised if you found any back there."
"Yes, I have a lease."
"Yes, I am evicting them."

So, the police thing went on for over an hour while they questioned everyone and searched the guestroom and the roommates' room.

In searching, they found crystal meth "pots" and various things wrapped in tin foil.

What is it about tin foil that attracts drug users? Is it because it's shiny? I'll bet it's the shiny.

Also, how come drug users hide their things where it's so easy to find? Like on top of the dresser?

So, if you know me, you might be able to picture the color red that my face was this entire time because I was furious. It's a color of red that brings to mind things like supernovas and bloodshed. Ok. Maybe I'm the only one thinking about bloodshed, but believe me, I was very angry and it showed.

Unfortunately, the police didn't find enough to haul off the roommates. They only got Dipshit. Idgit was left here so that I could tell her to get the hell out right now.

Then, I was left with the roommates.

"Yes, I am very angry. Yes, I'm sorry, too. I want you out of here post haste. I mean it. I am very, very angry that you have brought this into my house. Get out."

The police informed me that because I have a lease, that in order to do an enforceable eviction, I have to file with the courthouse and give them 30 days notice.

Right now, I'm not sure I want to do that. If I do file with the courthouse, then they will know that according to the law they have 30 days and they may dawdle. I want them out right now.

If I do not file with the courthouse and they dawdle anyway I cannot forceably evict them and have the police backing me until I give them 30 days.

So, I'm kind of conflicted right now. I called into work and I'll probably wait until after lunch to go in. I need to think about this, but the end result of whatever happens will be no one but me living in my house for the time being.

Just wait until my parents visit in October and I have to tell them to be on the look out for crystal meth pipes in the guestroom. Mother will be thrilled.

Update: I just heard from Male Roommate that Dipshit expected to be allowed to live here with Idgit for A COUPLE OF WEEKS. Flibby says, "No way, Jose." Also, when I was cleaning the crap out of my other guestroom, in addition to a video tape entitled "Cum Blow My Horn" I found a cigarette butt, so I know they were smoking in my house.

Bastards. I hope he goes to jail for a long time.

Update 2:I just spoke with the roommates and told them that I want them out by Thursday and they agreed. I know, what you're thinking. These people are not reliable and that's plenty of time for them to steal everything, but legally, I can't force them to go for 30 days. If I can get them to agree to move sooner, then I'm that much happier.

I will most certainly head over to the court house to get an eviction notice made up in case it comes to that.

Update 3 Continued: I also forgot to tell you how the cops got called in the first place.

As it turns out, Dipshit went nuts this morning and attacked Idgit. Idgit ran into the bathroom and yelled for Male and Female Roommate. When Male Roommate came out and observed the absurdity of the situation, "This is ridiculous," he said, Dipshit went for him, too. Female Roommate called the cops.

And the rest is what you see above.

Roomies

I just found out that my roommates have been doing crystalized methampetamines in my house.

I found this out as the police searched their room.

The police are here because the houseguests were acting the fool. I was awakened by the noise of them beating Male Guest's ass.

Oh joy.

These folks are so out of here.

Good News on the Roommate Front

Male Roommate told me yesterday that the guests they have here right now are actually moving into a house soon and they've invited the Roommates to move in with them. They're aiming to be out by the 15th.

Naturally, I'm skeptical and I will believe it as soon as I see it, but still. It's good news. I hope it works out.

The Roommates Have Guests

And the guests have been here too long.

I know they've been here too long because male guest just called out to me, "Hey, gay guy! What's your name again?"

Gay and a guy though I am, it is not ok to address me that way.

And then I just had to explain that there is no place in this town to get a margarita because the town is dry. That took a good five minutes.

And male guest and male roommate have the same name. I hate these people.

I can't wait until the roommates are gone.

Crazy Commenter Strikes

I just got this in a comment:

From: warren
E-mail: superwarren7@hotmail.com

Message:
hi jamie my friend terrell really likes you alot he told me he wants to go on a date with u and i like u too anyway e-mail me bak love warren and terrell

I do not understand this, really. I feel like I missed something.

First of all, how does a person without punctuation even know who I am?
Second, am I expected to choose between warren and terrell or do I get both or what?
Third, what reason do I have to even want to choose either or both of them?
Fourth, why are the parents of this person who doesn't know that 'a lot' is two words letting him write love notes to strangers on the internet?
Fifth, I could go on all day.
Sixth, my name isn't Jaime. It's Flibbertigibbet or Flibby, if you prefer.
Seventh, "bak?" Really? Seriously?

I'll leave off there. I just wanted to share this moment of insane comments with you.

Strange

Last night, after I told my roommates how I want them out of the house in two weeks, Male Roommate was telling me another long story and I observed a strange phenomenon: he had a hard time remembering the word "unresponsive" and also "empathetic" and he frequently misuses other word, but last night he correctly used the word "capitulated."

My soon-to-be-ex-roommates are so weird.

Party Cancelled Due to Inclimate Guestlist

If you're reading this and you were invited to my party this weekend (of course you were invited!) I just wanted to let you know that it has been cancelled.

There are WAY too many things happening right now and it hardly seems appropriate to plan a party with just two positive RSVPs.

I'm still going to plan a party for those two people and if anyone else shows up they will be welcome, but I'm not going to spend my Saturday sweating up party decorations for that!

Anyway, don't cry for me, Argentina. We're still going to have fun, it just won't be as loud.