December 04, 2006

The Point Scale According to Me

I firmly believe that a physical attraction is necessary for a romantic relationship. I've been obliged to decline overtures from otherwise enjoyable people because they were not attractive to me.

1 - Noticeable, unavoidable disfigurement. Congenital or otherwise. All forms of dwarfism, burn victims, amputees (although, I am obliged that I would stay with an amputee, but I would not embark on a new relationship with an amputee.), thalidomide babies who've survived into adulthood, etc..

2 - Overt unattractive characteristics that aren't necessarily confined to disfigurement. Tourette's syndrome, extreme facial ticks, horrible speech impediments, halitosis, those people who smell like fish constantly, no teeth and no replacements.

3 - Extreme lack of personal care, hygiene, or care taken to one's appearance. This includes absolutely horrid haircuts, unbrushed teeth, body odor, ill-fitting or very poorly matched clothing, and obesity. Think Steve Urkel, Newman & George Costanza, Ugly Betty, Flava Flav, or homeless people. A make over might help someone like Steve Urkel or Ugly Betty, but if those people existed in reality, they would be so far gone that it would be pointless to attempt it.

At this point, I will say that anyone in the 3 category or below is fundamentally undateable as far as I'm concerned. 4's are the absolute minimum.

4 - This could be a person of average appearance who lacks a redeeming personal style or someone who is just unfortunately disposed by their DNA. These people usually have something about them that is attractive enough to focus on in order to date them and honestly admit some physical attraction. Many of these people can be made over to look better and given a sufficient budget and their willingness to cooperate, they could be pulled up quite high. She's the "ugly" girl in the movie who takes off her glasses and shakes her hair and suddenly has boobs and a wardrobe that is two sizes smaller. Also, Christopher Walken on his absolute best day, but at night in poor lighting.

5 - Average. This is a person that you might not notice on the street. If they're a likeable person, there would be no problems finding them physically attractive. They dress acceptably -- although discussions about how clothes are meant to fit may be in order -- and take care of their appearance through a good regimine of personal hygiene. 5's are respectable although not overtly impressive. It should be noted here that a good sense of humor can launch a 5 up to a 6 easily. Vince Vaughn, I'm talking to you, you big freak. Also, I put Lance Bass in this category, but some people, like Matt Chancellor, love that dude. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

6 - Noticeable. Perhaps they dress well. Perhaps they just have really great eyes or a good smile and not much else. They're the kind of person you do a double take about and may not be able to decide if they're cute or not. The new James Bond guy is this way to me. He has killer eyes and nice lips, but sometimes looks really jacked up. Yeah, he has a great body, but the face can make or break a deal for me. I hate to say it, but Kevin Federline is also in this category. His personal style is completely dragging him down, but he can actually clean up nicely. If it weren't for his unfortunate taste, he might even be a 7 or an 8, but at this point in time, the merest suggestion is crazy talk. You're used to crazy talk from me, right?

I think a majority of the men and women that I see in a given day are either 5's or 6's. I tend to even think that there are more 6's than 5's.

7 - Attractive. Most people, regardless of their sexual orientation, can identify this person as being arguably attractive. You don't have to like them personally, but you can see that many people probably find them sexy. Michael Vartan is here when he's having a bad hair day and is lacking a tan and maybe got beat up. RE: recent photos I've seen of him. Reichen Lehmkuhl is solidly in this category for me, but his skeleton eyes drag him down most of the time. I'm not a fan of Johnny Depp, personally, so when I put him in this category, I can understand if some would challenge this.

8 - Hot/Very Attractive. This is a person that, if you get a date with them, you may find yourself doing one of the various dances that SEC football players get fined for "excessive celebration." They dress well. They smell good. They have good genes. They have great jeans. They have good hair and good posture. If you're like me, you stare at these people from across the bar and look away quickly if they look at you and you never go over and talk to them because you have this delusion that they're actually pod people trying to lure you into donating your DNA to their scheme to take over the planet. Or something. Michael Vartan is usually here. If you land someone who is consistently an 8, you have a hot boyfriend or girlfriend, which reminds me of a song.

"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life..."

9 - Steaming Hot. Dreamy. Smokin'! This is where the hottest people I've ever seen in real life usually fall. I also put celebrities like Sean Ashmore, Matthew McConaughey, and Ryan Reynolds in this category. These folks are hot and debating whether or not they're objectively hot is an exercise in idiocy. If you don't recognize their hotness, you need to be kept off the streets with significant amounts of anti-psychotics. Do not operate heavy machinery.

10 - Ideal. This is the level of attractiveness that almost doesn't exist. ALMOST. It does, though. I used to work with this man whose only shortcoming was that he was only about 5'6". I didn't care because I, literally, could not speak to him for months. Once, I walked in on him rubbing aloe lotion on his torso in the bathroom because he was sunburned. I almost passed out. I'm not kidding. I almost threw up, too. Brad Pitt. Hugh Jackman. Justin Timberlake.

The point system is somewhat subjective. Not much, though. I mean, you might be physically attracted to thalidomide babies and midgets, but that's not right. Most people are not on the same page with you and there is no reason why they should be.

It's also important to point out that if you become emotionally involved with someone, romantically or even just friends, your rating of that person will likely shift upward, which is understandable.

So, there you have it.

I think I'm solidly a 7. Sometimes when I'm tired and have bad skin or something, I may fall down to a 6. On my best days, I think I manage an 8. With some photoshop work, I'll bet I could make it to a 9.

Posted by Flibbertigibbet at December 4, 2006 11:21 PM | TrackBack

Flibbs said,

Also, I put Lance Bass in this category, but some people, like Matt Chancellor, love that dude. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

You've not just insulted me--you've insulted the entire Menomonie tribe!

Posted by: Matt Chancellor at December 5, 2006 02:11 PM

How do you expect other people to love you if you can't first love yourself? Just acknowledge and accept yourself for who and what you are.

Posted by: Flibby at December 5, 2006 02:39 PM