Flibbertigibbet

Happy New Year, Jackass

Not you guys. I love you guys. The jackass is this dude I met last night.

I went to this party at a bar and it was all fun and everything. I was watching a drag show (I pretty good one, actually. She didn't even lip synch! She was ACTUALLY singing.) and there were these two people next to me, a guy and a girl.

And I struck up a conversation and it was fun and all and they actually wound up coming over and hanging out with me and my friends.

The guy was kind of cute, but also funny and smart. We exchanged Missy Elliot lyrics! "Long weave, sewed in. Say it again. Sewed in!" He's a law student somewhere. We'll call him Steve.

So, I'm flirting with him a little bit and debating about whether or not I should ask Steve out or give him my number or something. The problem was that we were hanging out and I kind of like to do that sort of thing before I leave. For some reason, asking someone out makes for some awkward pauses even if they say yes.

Well, we're chatting and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this crazy lookin' guy comes up and says something to the Steve and they leave together. The crazy lookin' guy, we'll call the Good German, because he had that weird Euro look about him. It was like Euro plus Derelicte. Remember Zoolander? And it's not that he was dressed really badly, because I didn't notice that, but he had long, wiry blonde hair that looked like a wig to me. I actually wondered if he was a trannie. A homeless trannie.

Different strokes though, right?

I was like, "Whoa. That must have been a killer line." And I shrug and go on with the New Year's fun times.

I had to use the bathroom, so I get in line and the line is not moving. I look up and why isn't the line moving? Because Steve and the Good German were up front engaged in some SERIOUS tongue wrestling. The oral full nelson. Up on the ropes doing a flying body slam with the tonsils. You get the picture. AND they were backing up the line to the john, so, I walked around them.

When I go back to our friends, I told the female that I saw Steve and he's ok. He's just making out hard core with the Good German.

By the way, it turns out that the Good German was Israeli, not German.

Well, she's like, "Let's go get him."

So, we go to him and he's like, "Help me! Take me away!"

I laughed right in his face. I said, "You got yourself into this, bro, you have to get yourself out." (When I drink I turn into a frat boy. My apologies to everyone.)

Maybe I'm the jackass because I wouldn't lay down a cockblock for this stranger. But it's beyond a simple cockblock if dude has been making out for an hour an and half. That requires anullments and stuff, I think.

Well, the girl was nicer than me because she said to the Good Israeli German, "Nice to meet you!" and snatches Steve away and we return to our friends.

At this point, I'm getting ready to leave and the girl is like, "You should make your move now!"

But I'm like, "I'm not going to make a move. He was just with that other guy making out."

And she says, "So?"

And I said, "Well, if that's what he's into, that's his business, but I'm not interested."

The message was not very clear to her or him because I wound up having to excuse myself rather abruptly.

I have never in my life found myself making out with someone when I didn't want to. If I WERE in that situation where I was making out with someone and I decided I didn't want to make out anymore, I would just excuse myself and stop doing that. I don't require anyone to help me get away unless it's some kind of crazy rape situation and in that case, I would scream like Jaime Lee Curtis, not whisper, "Take me away." Besides, "Take me away" might send the wrong message to my rapist.

I can see it in court: "Not only was he dressed like he wanted it but he practically begged to be transported across state lines and sold to Wal-mart to make giant Tweety Bird T-shirts."

I just think it's kind of jackassy to take off to make out with some stranger and then ask ANOTHER stranger to help you get away from the stranger you chose to make out with and then to follow it up with some kind of wishful thinking that you're going to get a date later.

I'll tell you guys what I decided on my resolutions later. I need to go rest my hangover some more.