Flibbertigibbet

Good Party, Bad Mood

I would say that our party last night was a great success. Lots of people showed up and we had plenty of food and beverages. Everyone commented positively on the appearance of our apartment. AND, I am pleased to report, the mess was actually kept to a minimum.

I managed to get to bed just a little bit after midnight, too.

This morning, reflecting on the party, I find myself in a bit of a bad mood.

I was out of sorts for our party due to a vicious hangover from Wednesday night. Obviously, that's my own fault, but I was feeling much improved by the time of our party even if the thought of consuming any alcohol filled me with dread.

Several of my friends showed up -- something I'm very happy about -- and I got to spend a little bit of time with all of them. My disappointment stems from the fact that I couldn't spend more time with each of them and a few in particular.

See, I'm nursing a little crush on a guy with whom a romance is almost certainly out of the question. It's not that he isn't gay or by appearance an unsuitable match at all. In fact, when I talk to him and consider his course in life, I am very impressed with him -- inspired, even. But his situation is far removed from my own.

I'm being deliberately vague about this for reasons you can likely guess.

It's just terribly frustrating because when it comes to things like one's situation in life, there is a youthful determination and exuberance that drives a person to think that they can be overcome. Indeed, it's quite possible that such things could be overcome, but the odds are not good.

Long distance is a good example of a situational factor that can be overcome but presents a considerable burden to established relationships and a near insurmountable obstacle to new ones. Point of fact, I won't enter into long distance relationships for those reasons and the only reason is because I think romance is difficult enough without adding great distances to it.

But one is ready to admit that all relationships present some sort of situational factor that is less than optimal. Perhaps they are at a place in their career where they can't spend very much time with you. Maybe there is a bit of an age difference. Maybe they are very happy in their career, but they aren't very financially stable.

These things can be overcome, some more easily than others, but they are all obstacles to be overcome. One has to decide how much one is willing to work for the relationship.

I tend to be rather mercenary about these things. As a rule, I won't enter into long distance relationships. I have a guideline (not a rule) that says I won't date people without a college degree.

The question of age is a troublesome one for me because I've always generally dated men who are several (5 to 10) years older than myself. I find men in their mid 30's to early 40's very attractive, but I recognize also that there is a large difference in the amount of life experience between me and someone at that stage in their life. I've only rarely considered dating men younger than myself and the idea of it fills me with some unease; youth is a time of possibility, hope, and adventure and even though I have a lot of that left, I would dread the idea of being an untoward influence on someone who is starting out in their adult life because I am presently invested and directed in mine.

As I said, these sorts of situational factors can be overcome, but am I willing?

When it comes to this man I know there are a couple of these not insignificant situational factors to overcome.

What has put me in a bad mood though is at my party, I noticed him spending a fair amount of time with someone else and they exchanged numbers. They even left the party together.

Now, the person he was with is not in the least unworthy. I have considered dating this other person, but when I did the math so to speak I came to the conclusion that I wasn't interested.

But when I think of them together I get angry.

So, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of something that I haven't even made my mind up about. I can't think of any other way to describe it other than simple, petulant jealousy. That in itself frustrates me.

I'm frustrated by his situation or mine in relation to his. I'm frustrated that when I'm around him that I can't think of anything to say. I'm frustrated that I didn't get to talk to him very much last night. I'm jealous that someone else did. And I find myself projecting my present frustration, anger, and jealousy outward to my view of any prospect I have of finding the sort of romance I really want.

Basically, I'm in a bad mood.

*sigh*