Flibbertigibbet

My Surgery Fiasco

So, I'm having a bunion removed from my right foot. You may have thought like I did that they would just whack me on the head and take a palm sander to it, but I was informed by my doctor that it is unlikely that such a procedure would have the desired effect. So, surgery is my only other option.

I haven't mentioned it because I've been busy lately with getting ready for school and reading Harry Potter and learning how to work my television. (For the last five years, I have not had to work the TV by myself -- either because I didn't have it or because I had a roommate whom I left in charge of that -- and I just got Dish Network, which has lots of gadgety features. It's very exciting.)

The last time I was at the podiatrist's office, they told me that I would have surgery next Tuesday and that they would send me the paperwork and additional information in the mail. I didn't get anything.

Well, due to a psychic premonition, I decided to check my home voicemail. (My cellphone is my primary point of contact; I only have a homephone for the internet and now Dish Network.) Lo! There was a message from my Primary Care Physician informing me of an appointment with them this morning.

Here's the phone call I made to them:

Flibby: Hi! I think I have an appointment this morning.

Nice Nurse Lady: Yes, you do!

Flibby: Would you be so kind as to tell me what the appointment is for?

Nice Nurse Lady: It says here that you're coming in for a physical.

Flibby: The one I had two weeks ago wasn't sufficient?

Nice Nurse Lady: Hm. Are you having surgery or something?

Flibby: Yes.

Nice Nurse Lady: Oh! Well, this will be so that we can sign your papers.

Flibby: Do I have papers for you to sign?

Nice Nurse Lady: You should and you should bring them with you to the appointment this morning.

Flibby: Ok! I am going to call my podiatrist and have them fax the papers to you for the appointment because I have not recieved them.

This is my subsequent call to the podiatrist's office:

Flibby: Hi! I just found out that I have an appointment with my primary care physician this morning and I am supposed to give them some paperwork to sign, but I haven't recieved any paperwork.

Spacey Nurse Lady: Uh oh!

[silence]

Flibby: Um. How can I get the paperwork?

Spacey Nurse Lady: You could come by and get it or I could fax it over to them.

Flibby: Yes, please fax it to them. Can you tell me if I have any other appointments with you?

Spacey Nurse Lady: I have you down for Monday.

Flibby: Okey dokey. Do you know what that's for?

Spacey Nurse Lady: No. The scheduler lady doesn't have it in the computer.

Flibby: Oh. Well, do you know if my surgery is on Tuesday?

Spacey Nurse Lady: No.

Flibby: Oh. Well, if you do get more information, will you please let me know? I will let my doctor's office know to expect your fax.

So, I had two top-secret appointments I didn't know about. Then, the Scheduler Lady calls me up.

Scheduler Lady: Hi, Flibby! What's going on?

Flibby: I have no idea. I found out this morning that I have to go see my primary care physician and now I know that I also have an appointment with you guys on Monday.

Scheduler Lady: Oh. You didn't get a letter with the paperwork and schedule?

Flibby: No.

Scheduler Lady: Oh. Ok. Well, let me tell you what it is and then I will send you another letter so you'll have a copy.

So, then she tells me what all I have to go to and I learn that I will be out of work an extra day and that there are all kinds of appointments I have to keep.

SURPRISE!

Oh, and flashback to my conversation with the surgeon:

Flibby: I understand it requires surgery.

Surgeon: Great! What kind of surgery would you like.

Flibby: Um. You're the expert here. Why don't you tell me which one you think I should have and then I'll pick that one?

Surgeon: Sure! There are lots of different... [blah, blah, blah... we talked about two different procedures and the pros & cons and he told me which one he recommends for me and I said, "Let's do that one."]

[Then, he adopts this really serious tone.]
Now, I don't want you to have an unrealistic expectations about this. Surgery doesn't fix everything.

Flibby: [alarmed] WHAT? Am I going to be able to walk when this gets healed up?

Surgeon: Oh sure. I --

Flibby: [Still alarmed] I'm not going to tip over while trying to stand up or anything, right?

Surgeon: Oh no. Nothing like that. I --

Flibby: [relieved] Ok. So, what kind of unrealistic expectations might one have about this?

Surgeon: Well, your foot won't be perfectly straight. Some people want their foot to be unnaturally straight.

[silence. I'm looking at him like he's crazy.]

Flibby: Um. Look. I gave up on my aspirations to be a foot model a long time ago. I just want my toe to not hurt and not compromise any of the natural function I have today. Like, I don't want a stiff toe and I don't want to fall over and I don't want to end up in a wheelchair because of a bunion, ok?

Surgeon: Oh. Well, yeah, we can definitely do that.

And these people are about to cut on my foot. Right now, I'm thinking my palm sander idea has less risk to it.