September 17, 2007

Not Worth the Shower Rape

ETOnline: Hit Ordered on Kevin Federline?

ET has several reliable sources that the FBI and LAPD are investigating legitimate leads on a contract hit on KEVIN FEDERLINE's life.

Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger.

Sources within the FBI tell ET that this is the bureau's standard operating procedure when someone's life is threatened.

ET has been working this story for the past two months. When contacted, the FBI told us that the bureau cannot confirm or deny an investigation.

There are so many more people that I'd like to see dead before Kevin Federline, so I find myself stumped trying to imagine the life of the individual who would want him dead badly enough to actually put a hit out on him. That kind of thing costs money, you know!

Did someone come back from a vacation in the Bahamas and just snap when they saw one more stupid-looking white person with cornrows in their hair? Was it someone who fell within earshot of his Popozão?

I really just don't understand this.

Secondly, why did the FBI have such a hard time reaching him? I know he has a cellphone because Britney told him she wanted a divorce by way of text messages and judging from his reaction, he takes text messaging seriously. Does the Federal BI not know how to send text messages?

yo k afawct sum sumbich wan u ded call me @ 911 4 deets

Finally, why is ET just now telling me about this? This is the whole reason they exist and it took them two months to break the news that someone wanted to snuff the Fedster?

You know what? I'll bet it was either Cheetoh or Redbull. I know Brit-brit isn't the best mom, but I'll bet that when they were threatened with the possibility of having to go live with daddy K-Fed, they turned to desperate measures. All we have to do now is find the hit man with spit-up on his shirt and we have our man!

Update: I was informed by a friend of mine that his turned out to be an exaggerated claim.

San Jose Mercury: Police close K-Fed threat probe

LOS ANGELES—Police investigated a possible threat against Kevin Federline earlier this year, but closed the case because of insufficient evidence, authorities said Monday. The Los Angeles Police Department probed the allegations in June, but later determined there was not enough information to keep the investigation active, LAPD spokeswoman Norma Eisenman said.

"There is no current investigation," Eisenman said.

Posted by Flibbertigibbet at September 17, 2007 01:52 PM | TrackBack

"There are so many more people that I'd like to see dead before Kevin Federline."

Really? How big is your list? Who is on it?

Posted by: Tiberius at September 17, 2007 04:30 PM

I will plead the fifth if pressed for specifics because I don't know who reads this blog, but the list is quite lengthy given the population of people out there who blow themselves up for Allah and the population of people who steal my money to pay for crackbabies and the like.

Posted by: Flibbert at September 17, 2007 04:47 PM

Oh God. Whenever I need to roll on the floor with laughter all I need to do is head on over here.

Posted by: Monica at September 17, 2007 10:14 PM
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