Flibbertigibbet

Quaint

I am not a lover of the earth. I think you all probably knew this.

I just don't see what's so special about the earth that warrants my affection or even my attention beyond looking for new ways to exploit it. To be fair, I have the same low regard for pretty much every non-rational entity in the known and unknown universe.

Rocks? 'sploit 'em.
Saturn? 'sploit it.
Cows? 'sploit 'em.
Neutrinos? 'sploit 'em.
Puppies? 'sploit 'em.
Black holes? 'sploit 'em.

Yes, the universe is really just here to sustain, please, and amuse me.

So, imagine my amusement when some entities with rational capacity set out to entertain me.

Talking Hawk, a Mohawk Indian who asked to be identified by his Indian name, pointed to the river's tea-colored water as proof that the overwhelming amount of pollution humans have produced has caused changes around the globe.

"It's August color. It's not normal," he said.

"Earth Mother is fighting back - not only from the four winds, but also from underneath," he said. "Scientists call it global warming. We call it Earth Mother getting angry."

"Earth Mother getting angry." I love how that phrase is positioned as if it's the stronger, more persuasive, or even more accurate description. I mean "global warming" isn't a great phrase anyway, but from now on, green scientists should stop with this "global warming" expression and start addressing Earth Mother's emotional needs. The data seem to indicate that Earth Mother is hormonal more than anything. Midol, mommy dearest?

I really don't think people are here for my personal amusement, but every now and then they surprise me by going above and beyond the call of duty and go national with something so preciously absurd that it can only be considered a joke.

In spite of my somewhat insensitive tendencies, my opinion of people really is that high and I'm in a really good mood. At this moment, it is simply beyond the realm of possibility that anyone could be so idiotic in earnest.

The rest of the article is a litany of the most precious arguments for being good "custodians" of the earth that I've ever heard. (I really don't pay close attention to these things.) They're the sort of arational, emotional, mystic arguments that I wouldn't expect to hear from anyone over the age of four or since the bronze age. Oh. wait.

Well, I appreciate their commitment to the jest. I mean, to actually live in the mindset of a caveman just to make me laugh? That is dedication. I'd write them a thank you note, but I'm sure that the post man is a tad anachronistic and I have my doubts that my landlord would appreciate my starting a fire on the roof just to send a smoke signal.

But I am kind of tempted to take a couple days off work to see what it would take to start a buffalo stampede or something. As a science-minded person, I just want to test how well they've figured how to live in nature like barbarians.

Special thanks to Andrew Dalton for bringing this to my attention.