Flibbertigibbet

It's Not the Size of the Boat, It's the Motion of the Ocean

So, thanks to Allen Prather, I just found out that my carbon footprint is a paltry 2.95 tons. Even when I push the numbers a lot higher than what I know them to be, I can't seem to reasonably break 4.

Ok, but I'm not going to internalize this. I'm not going to let it impact my self esteem.

I'm sure lots of guys have small carbon footprints. Does anyone know how much carbon is in Enzyte?

I'll bet Allen sent that link to me to brag. Bastard. "Eeee! Look at me! I'm Allen Prather! My carbon footprint is 15.6 tons per year! Eeee! I'm such a big man!"

You know, not everyone can have above average footprints. I mean, average means average and that means, you know, that some people aren't. Like freaks with grotesquely oversized carbon footprints.

What can you do with a footprint that big anyway? In my experience, not much. I mean, really, if you think about it, it's better to have something closer to average or maybe a little smaller.

Men and women alike agree with me here. I mean, no one likes, you know, sitting there with your friend and, you know, maybe things are getting a little hot -- global warming -- and then you find out that they're bringing a 15 ton footprint to the party. Total turn off.

...

Yeah, so, anyway, I need a bigger footprint. Is there like a carbon pump or something? I'm thinking of burning stuff. Isn't there some kind of adopt-an-oil-fire thing I could sign on to?

There has to be something you can do about this.