Flibbertigibbet

Requirements for Hosting Christmas in Flibby's Family

I have been trying to get my family to come to my house for Christmas since I bought the place about 30 months ago. The following list comprises the list of excuses and complaints my mother has posed to me. They also occur in the order in which they were received.

- You must have television and not just a television box hooked up to a VCR or DVD player. It has to have reception on several channels.

- You must have beds for people to sleep in. For the record, I've always had a bed for most of them to sleep in and I offered to sleep on the couch so they would all have actual beds, but that wasn't good enough. Further, they don't have enough beds for everyone when I go there to visit, so I don't know what's up with the double standard.

- You HAVE to decorate for the holidays. Not just a little, either. You have to have lots and lots of lights and they have to be both indoors and outdoors. Multi-colored lights are prefered, but not required.

- You must have a non-white shower curtain and rug for the bathroom or mother will complain about it being too "sterile." Never mind the fact that no one wants a bathroom that looks infected.

- You must have food they like. If you don't know what food they like, tough. You'd better go upgrade your mind reader software because they won't tell you, but they will be UPSET if you don't have what they want.

- You MUST have an intinerary of activities planned. Forget that Christmas has never had an itinerary before, but if they're going to drive four hours to come to your house, you'd better have something better than a ton of food, presents, television, decorations, and beds to sustain them.

Suffice it to say, I have met their demands and they are coming up on Saturday for the holiday. Now, I just have to make sure everything is clean and in order for their arrival, so I'm taking the day off on Friday to make sure it's all ready to go.

And, you know what? It's going to be an AWESOME Christmas. It will be more comfortable and action-packed than any other Christmas we've had. I just hope everyone is on their best behavior. Not that it wouldn't be hilarious for them to be acting the fool, but as the host, that causes me a small bit of irritation to have to clean up blood on a holiday.