Flibbertigibbet

Get Me a Sock, Markers, Paste, and Pom-Poms! STAT! This is Critical!

I really want a sock puppet to use at work. I want to tell people that when they ask a question, they can either get the answer I want to give or the answer I'm told to give.

Examples:

Sales Rep: Can you explain to the customer why the monthly fees for the upgraded application are more than the lame-ass one they have right now?

Flibby: Well, the extra fees cover the additional overhead and licensing costs associated with maintaining and hosting the site. More than that, however, these fees account for the extreme value differential between the two products. The fact is that the new application will help them much more effectively and efficiently meet their strategic goals.

Sock puppet: I can't decide between telling you go do your own job, telling you to go ask your manager how to do your job, or just slapping you silly. Give me a minute and then F!Bomb off before you make me mad.

Sales Rep: Can you tell me which product is for the Super Widgets?

Flibby: It's the one called "Super Widget" on the price list.

Sock puppet: I hate you.

Sales Rep: Yo! I just sold a customer on a Super Widget deal for 75% above list, but they have a question about the torque ratio and it's not on any of the Fact Sheets. I've looked at all of the information you published and it's not there. Is there another place I should look, or do you know that right off?

Flibby: Sure. It's 4:3. Let me know if there's anything else I can help you with.

Sock puppet: I am going to kiss you on the mouth.

And even if I didn't ever say those things, I really think I need to make a sock puppet right now.