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On Running for Two-ish Hours

Most people think that anything more than 100 yards is why God invented cars, but if you decide to pay not heed to this tribal wisdom, there are some things you should know, especially if you're going to run for more than about an hour at a stretch.

1) Protect your nipples. I know. I could have started my list with something less likely to inflame your lusts, but it is for that very reason that I feel the need to warn you of this. The regular, plain, white, cotton undershirts I run in tend to rub my nipples raw. It is not uncommon to see people who run full marathons with bloody splotches on the front of their shirts because of the wear. Consider band-aids or shirts of a smoother texture, or just do like me and suffer sore nipples.

2) Protect your knees and ankles. Do not be a "stomper!" When I am out for a run, I often have to clear my throat when approaching others from behind, that's how quiet I am. If you can hear a steady "thud thud thud" as you trot along, you're going to wind up in pain after 2 hours for sure. I'm not saying that having a nice, easy stride won't still give you some aches and pains, but stomping is both annoying and hurtful.

3) Use the restroom in advance. I'm sorry I have to talk about this, but I strongly recommend that you find a way to inspire a bowel movement BEFORE doing a long distance run. The rythmic motion of running is well known to induce bowel movements for you and unless you want to stop during your race or just poo your pants, make sure you're empty in advance. (Hey! That kind of rhymes!) No, I'm serious. Watch a Marathon sometime and I promise you will notice that some have not heeded my advice and have allowed their dignity to suffer at the expense of the race.

4) Do a race where the crowd is rowdy. Atlanta is not that place. It's much more fun and inspiring when the crowd is into the race and cheering for you. My favorite thing is to give kids five when I run by. The Country Music Marathon in Nashville is an awesome event with a great crowd. I have not been impressed by the crowd in any of the three Atlanta races I've run. New Orleans also wasn't very lively.

5) Eat something. I'm not saying that you lack integrity or anything, but if you don't eat something before the race and then eat something after the race, you just might turn to violence after the race. You could turn on your own children. Fortunately, in your weakened state, you don't pose much of a threat and you're certainly not going to chase anyone down.

6) Drink something. This should go without saying. Don't be a dumbass like Pheidippides.

7) Walk it off. Stretch, too. I know you won't feel like it, but walk around a bit. Stretch. Your feet and legs will thank you. If you can, find someone to give your legs a massage.

I'm sure there are some other things I could say, but that's all I have right now.

Happy running!