Flibbertigibbet

Under where? A Review of Men's Underwear.

Maybe I should start a category about "Too much information" in which I talk about things that might also be categorized with Jim's comments about shaving his balls.

But, I need to tell you about underwear today. Men's underwear because that's what I know.

When I was young, I wore the standard-issue white briefs. Nothing fancy. I always hated how they had a fly though. I do not use the fly on my underwear at all and it always seemed unnecessary to me. I really didn't think much of these underwear at the time... that is until I got into highschool and saw that most of the boys in the lockerroom were wearing boxers.

So, I wanted boxers. This, for my hormonally charged body, was a thrill ride to be sure. I don't think I actually resorted to wearing my bookbag in front and low, but I don't think it would have been remiss.

But I noticed something: the waistband on both my briefs and my boxers were of tihs scratchy elastic stuff and after wearing them all day, I would have marks on my skin from them. Not fun.

I tried buying boxers with different kinds of waistbands, but generally, I was not happy with boxers. The problem is that they ARE very loose. They aren't flattering and they bunch up in your pants sometimes or ride up into the places where the sun doesn't shine. Also, not fun.

Then, in college sometime, I discovered Jockey's Sport Boxer Briefs. They rock. They don't have a fly. They have a smooth, cloth waistband. (Not the midway kind, because I'm not trying to wear a pair of pants under my pants.) They give you the support of briefs without threatening the circulation of my legs. Love that. The downside is that they are expensive for underwear. Sometimes they sell for as much as $13 for a single pair. But they are sooooo comfy!

The last time I was at the Jockey outlet buying underwear, a pair of their Sport Briefs (Sorry, I couldn't find a link) got mixed in with my Boxer Briefs. And, do you know what? They are awesome, too! They don't have a fly either and they are supportive and, if I might add, very flattering.

The only thing I don't like about the sport briefs or boxer-briefs is that they rise pretty high on my waist. In general, I do not want people seeing my underwear. Yes, I know it's the style and all that, but I'm old-fashioned like that.

Well, I went shopping for underwear last night and the outlet didn't have any sport briefs that aren't mid-rise. I was disappointed, so I decided to try some of their bikini underwear. They looked to me just like briefs, but without the fly and the waistband remains low. It's not the flat waistband I like, but I thought I'd give it a try anyway.

Bad idea.

These stupid underwear make me crazy. I'm not saying they don't look great (although they do look a lot like panties) and if I ever go on a hot date or something, I might wear them. But they don't really fulfill their function as underwear if you ask me.

Underwear is to cover, contain, support, and protect your genitals. The inside of outer clothing can be rough and unforgiving. Underwear also helps prevent unfortunate zipper accidents. Basically, I love underwear and think I need to wear it as much as possible.

Well, these underwear are made of FLIMSY material, so it's drafty in my pants. I'm not bragging or anything, but these tiny little things do not fulfill the "containment" function, if you catch my meaning, and that is quite disconcerting. Also, the elastic around the legs is pushing into my leg in an uncomfortable way. Furthermore, there is this stupid tag on the inside that is scratching my hip.

I think I will try Jockey's seamfree low-rise briefs, though. The material seems more substantial. It looks like the waistband I like. They're tagless. They also seem to cover a little more than these bikini briefs while not aspiring to the heights of a control-top.

I can't believe I used to not give much thought to underwear. Good underwear is comfortable, sexy, and functional. REALLY good underwear comes in a wide array of colors and patterns, too, so you can match them to your outfit, but sometimes I ask a lot.

Good underwear will change your life. I swear.

Update: Ok. Now I have to complain about sizing. Here's the chart they give:

WAIST (inches) CHEST (inches)
Small (S) 36 28-30
Medium (M) 38-40 32-34
Large (L) 42-44 36-38
Extra Large (XL) 46-48 40

My waist is 32". Why is my waist not on this chart? I am a full-grown man and I am able to buy pants with that waist size. Why aren't uderwear made with me in mind? And I don't know what my chest size is. I'm going to continue buying mediums, but still. Bothersome.

Update 2: Since I'm telling you what I think about underwear, I did leave out one classification of underwear in the discourse above: thongs. My ex-boyfriend thinks that thongs are attractive and so he bought me one once. I am against them for reasons that should be immediately obvious.

I don't like underwear that crawls up my butt and thongs are designed to do exactly that. Ladies, I do not envy you on this; your outerclothing is often made of really sheer fabrics that do not hide panty-lines.

I think that for men, if you just need to show your butt in your underwear, you should go for the jock strap approach, but I don't really like those either. 1) the waistband is usually too wide, 2) the waistband is usually made of uncovered elastic, 3) containment issues also prevail, 4) I would also add covering your butt to one of the benefits of underwear in most cases.