A Synopsis of the Movie Hero
I saw the movie Hero this weekend. It didn't plunge into the depths of enternal suckitude with the likes of Bloodwork, About Schmidt, Lost in Translation, Punch Drunk Love, or the Royal Tennenbaums, but it was pretty boring.
Of course, my primary objection to the film, apart from some of the ways chosen to make the film, was the theme. Hero is a movie about why China is still Communist even though we've been over that a thousand times already. And the people who made the movie act like it's a good thing.
There were a few cool fight scenes, but not nearly enough. There was a surprising amount of talking, which was either in Chinese or complete gibberish, I can't tell the difference still even though I watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But I will say that the colors in the movie were really pretty and bright.
Can I just offer a tip to movie makers everywhere? If you are going to use subtitles, leave them on the screen long enough for people to read them and also look at the people making the corresponding sounds.
Also, for people who were befuddled by the flying in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon there was very little flying in this movie. Oh and IT'S NOT FLYING!!
I've told people a buhmillion times that it looks like flying, but it's not really flying. It's a martial arts move, kind of like a karate chop. You know how people can outrun explosions in American movies? Well, people in Chinese fighting movies can do this.
Anyway, to save most of you money, I've decided to offer a full synopsis of the film right here. Be warned: this synopsis will contain spoilers. So, without further ado:
Ok. There was a little more ado there since, if you came from the main page, you had to click and get over to read the extended entry. I didn't mean to ruin it for you like that; I just didn't want my synopsis on the main page in case people did want to see it because it has so many spoilers.
Here goes.
The movie starts by telling us that China is a really sucky place to live. Not just now, but 2,000 years ago, too. It's sucky because people have to drive around in wagons and wear clothing that is not at all flattering to one's figure. Also, China wasn't one big country at the time; there were six regions and these regions like to fight one another.
I don't know what the big deal was about it's to be expected. John Kerry wasn't alive 2,000 years ago to show everyone how to wage sensitive wars; his book "The Art of Sensitive War" wasn't even written. Some people might say that Jesus should have marched his happy butt over to China and straightened things out, but we all know that wasn't Jesus-style. Also, he was trying to straighten out the Middle East situation. I won't get into the implications on Jesus' self-proclaimed god-status, but the current state of things there might be something to consider if you're trying to choose a make-believe thing by which to live your life.
Anyway, so in this one place called Qin there is a tyrant who wants to "unite" the six states.
Please note: No pronunciation guides were provided with this movie. I asked in the lobby, but the pimple-faced twerp behind the counter acted like I had asked him to come translate the movie himself for me. I decided that "Qin" rhymes with "Rama-lama-ding-dong."
So, the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong is always trying to attack the other states, particularly one called Zhou.
Note: Zhou rhymes with "wop-bop-a-lou-bop."
Then Jet Li shows up at the Tyrant's really fly palace. I say the palace is really fly, except for some of the narrow hallways. They also reported that assassins were sometimes hiding around. Also, there were lots of people standing around in the palace just waiting to yell and I'm not really down with that either. But this wasn't MTV Cribs, so there might have been other good parts to the palace that I just didn't get to see -- like the king-size bed where "the magic happens."
So, Jet Li is told, "Don't even think about getting up close to the Tyrant because we will kill you until you die from it."
Jet Li is like, "Dude. Chill. I don't want to get up on your Tyrant, ok? Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks, right. But I don't swing that way." Jet Li said all this while having his hard, muscley, naked body rubbed down by a crowd of men.
Yeah, Jet Li, whatever, dude.
Then Jet Li prances his way up to the palace to talk to the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong. As it turns out, Jet Li killed not one, not two, but THREE assassins that the Tyrant really didn't like. Two of the assassins almost killed the Tyrant one time and that's when he decided that folks were just allowed to walk up and dry hump him anymore, even if they do look like Jet Li -- whatever that means, because I think Jet Li looks a little broke down even if he has a nice body.
Jet Li tells a stupid story about how he killed this one assassin named Sky, named for his favorite American Gladiator. The only difference was that his boobs were a LOT smaller than hers. That should go without saying, I guess.
So, the Tyrant says, "Show 'm my motto"
Obey Your Thirst
"Now, tell 'm what he's won."
And these scary midgets dressed all in black come running out with all kinds of prizes and stuff for Jet Li and tell him he's allowed to walk 20 paces (the official unit of measure in ancient China) forward if he says, "Mother, May I?" You know, those midgets might have been trained monkeys. I'm not sure. How scary would THAT be? That palace would really suck then.
Jet Li moves up and then tells a story about how he killed these other two assassins named Falling Snot and Broken Sword. Broken Sword appeared in Dances with Wolves, which is where he broke his sword trying to teach Kevin Costner the word for "Buffalo" and earned his name. (Tatanka, man! Pay attention!) No one knows why Falling Snot is called that, though. Some think she made it up to sound cool. Some think she did not succeed in choosing a good name for that.
This is the part of the story with the best fighting. It takes place in the region called Schwopbopaloubop and the army of Cramalamadingdong is attacking. The army shoots like a gazillion arrows at this colligraphy school because the deadly art of calligraphy is a threat to those would be tyranical up in there. Some people die, but Jet Li and Falling Snot climb up on the roof and block most of the arrows.
Then there is more talking. (This 'short' synopsis is looking a lot like the actual movie because of all the words. I'm sorry.)
And then Falling Snot reveals why she has such a stupid name: it is to hide the fact that she is actually Halle Berry from X-men and is actually the daughter of a famous and powerful leaf blower named Troy Built.
So, at the end of that, both Broken Sword and Falling Snot are dead and the midgets come out again and shower Jet Li in prizes and tell him he's allowed to get within 10 paces (that's important) of the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong.
Did I mention that Jet Li claims not to have a name in this movie? Yeah. He says that people call him "Nameless" but when I pointed out that "Nameless" is technically his name, he refused to talk about it anymore.
So, Jet Li gets still not very close to the Tryant to drink some tea.
And the tyrant says, "We're going to play the Oprah game. I get to be Dr. Phill."
Jet Li says, "You always get to be Dr. Phil. I want to be Dr. Phil for once!"
"Hi. Does 'Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong' mean anything to you?"
"Fine. Your tea sucks."
And the tyrant said, "You're a big, fat liar. And you made yourself fat, too."
And then Jet Li said, "You're taking this Dr. Phil thing a little too far, buddy."
So, the tyrant tells how he thinks it all went down and says that he thinks that Jet Li made it all up just to get within 10 paces to kill the tyrant. Jet Li says it's true that he does intend to do that, but instead of gettin' all Samurai Jack on the tyrant they sit there and talk for like an hour more.
Jet Li then tells how it all REALLY went down.
I'm not sure what this magic trick is because he showed a couple of cool moves. One of them involves cutting up the Tyrant's magazine collection. I'm sure that would make him mad, but isn't actually all that deadly, really. Studies have shown. The other trick involves sticking him with a sword in non-vital places so that he won't die. I think that trick would be more effective in that it actually involves stabbing the tyrant but the whole point of that trick is that whoever is stabbed will live, so I would really need some clarification on how that would work against the Tyrant in the long run any better than the first trick.
Then there is more talking. And talking talking talking talking...
FINALLY, Jet Li jumps up and sails over this big wall of votive candles in buddha holders and stabs the tyrant. Or so you think.
Turns out he didn't because the important lesson we learn in this movie is that it's actually good that the Tyrant intends to enslave all of China under his iron fist. Jet Li and the guy from Dances with Wolves decided that more people would die if the regions are left free to fight the tyrant, so they should give up.
Maybe John Kerry WAS alive then -- if only in spirit.
So, Jet Li doesn't kill the Tyrant of Cramalamadingdong and now we all have to put up with Communist China. Thanks, Jet Li. Thanks.
But then those people who stand around in the palace courtyard start yelling and they decide to shoot a buhmillion arrows at Jet Li, as if they didn't know already that he can block arrows. But Jet Li has learned lessons in this story, remember? He was all hell-bent on killing a tyrant and then he decided that tyrants are good. For equally obvious and irrational motives, we understand that Jet Li doesn't block the arrows and decides to just die.
Good.
Except I want my $9 back because that movie was boring and stupid. I could have rented X-Men to see cool fight scenes with Halle Berry.
Posted by Flibbertigibbet at September 6, 2004 10:37 AM
