Flibbertigibbet

Happy Birthday to Me!

I would like to give a big THANK YOU to one particular Senior Vice President of my company; we'll call him Bobby Badass.

Bobby Badass have clashed from time to time. He's an SVP and I'm a manager who speaks too loudly for his position in the company. It's never been personal it's just been about business stuff. I've always liked what an asshole he is. Do you know people like this?

Bobby Badass does not like it that you've chosen to complicate his life. Bobby Badass will be the first to let you know this in no uncertain terms. So, please, leave Bobby Badass alone and Bobby Badass will leave you alone.

But sometimes I've had to talk to him, so we've tried to see who can be more persnickety than the other. I like to think we share a kinship in this way.

Anyway, today, he really made my birthday something special, with just one comment.

I happen to work with a lot of sales folks who are apparently the pigeons of the corporate world. I would say they're the parrots, but parrots are able to imitate what they hear exactly. These sales people, and I don't know if most sales people are this way, can be told something a buhmillion times but they will never be able to repeat it and if they try they will get it wrong.

For example:

Flibby: We don't make Sparkle-widgets.

Salesperson: We don't?

Flibby: No. Never. The laws of physics in this Universe do not even allow for the existence of a sparkle-widget.

five minutes later on the phone with a client

Salesperson: We have these great new sparkle-widgets. Want one?

Not ALL sales folk are this way, just most of the ones I work with and some are more special than others, like the one we'll call Sam Slowchild-Atplay.

Over a period of YEARS

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: We don't make sparkle-widgets.

And so on...

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: Here are two contracts for sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: What did I tell you? We don't make those.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: These are special.

Flibby: I'm sure they are since they will never, ever exist.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: Sorry, Flibby, but you're wrong. These are a special case and I got permission from someone in the powers that be in management to sell these.

Flibby: Who?

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: This one manager who knows absolutely nothing about widgets, let alone sparkle-widgets.

Flibby: Riiiiiiight. We don't make sparkle-widgets. I don't care what that other manager says.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: Well, you can ask him about that.

Flibby: No, I won't. We don't make sparkle-widgets. I've been in a jigga-gillion meetings about sparkle-widgets and I drafted the paper explaining why the very idea of sparkle-widgets violates the laws of physics.

Further, in the last meeting I had about this, Bobby Badass backed me up.

WE DO NOT MAKE SPARKLE-WIDGETS. EV-ER.

Sam Slowchild-Atplay: That's it. I'm telling.

I have no idea what Sam Slowchild-Atplay did after that because I immediately called Bobby Badass.

Flibby: Bobby, what's going on with sparkle-widgets?

Bobby Badass: Huh? We don't make those.

Flibby: No joke. But I'm looking at two contracts for sparkle-widgets.

Bobby Badass: I don't care. We don't make those.

Flibby: I thought everyone agreed on that.

Bobby Badass: Everyone who matters does.

Flibby: Well, Sam Slowchild-Atplay has sold two of them.

Bobby Badass: We don't make sparkle-widgets. What don't you understand about that?

Flibby: I understand it and you understand it, but Sam is saying that this is "special" and that the "powers that be" have approved this.

Bobby Badass: Suddenly, the "powers that be" can change physics? I don't think so.

Flibby: Right. These contracts are for clients X and Y.

Bobby Badass: I spoke to Client X yesterday and they know they can't have it. I'm talking to Client Y tomorrow and they will not think they're getting it when I'm done.

Flibby: Right on. Well, Sam Slowchild-Atplay is out there telling people otherwise.

Now, let me interrupt, because here comes the money shot and I want to emphasize that while the above is slight exaggeration of what happened, what follows is an exact quote (except the names) by a senior vice president:

Bobby Badass: Well, if Sam Slowchild-Atplay wants to speak, he needs to speak from a position of knowledge, not one of want.

When I say things like that, I get into trouble. When Bobby Badass says things like that, I think about what it might be like to work for someone who actually says things like it is.

I think that is the best present I am going to get for my birthday this year and I can't think of anything more that I would want!