July 17, 2004

Why Aren't They Fired?

I was talking to some of my classmates the other night and I was recounting some of the stories from work about people who should have been fired. They were astonished. Since this is my first job out of college, I thought it was normal for people to be able to threaten their managers with bodily harm and still retain their jobs. Silly me!

Here's a quick list of people who are either still employed with Mediocre Corp. or were able to retain their jobs for a long time before leaving on their own or someone found a loophole (as if one was needed) to fire them.

1) Larry the Lusshbossh
It was six months into my employment with Mediocre Corp before I needed to figure out how to use the fax machine. Larry, my boss' boss at the time, saw me puzzling over the contraption and came to my aide. He wasn't a lot of help really, but I did eventually get the machine to send the fax. My eyes were watering by the end of it from the vodka fumes, though, so when I got back to my desk I wrote an email to a friend that said, "Dude. My boss' boss is stinking drunk right now." It was 9AM.

Later, Kerry Coworker told me the story of how he fondled her breast. She was very happy to report him to Human Resources.

Larry wasn't fired for several months later for reasons none-too-clear.

2) Perry Pervert
Perry considers himself something of an artist. He always has some opinion about the design of this or that. It's always based on his mystical intuition of what is and is not effective.

Somehow, Perry always breaks his computer, too.

Well, once he broke his computer and the MIS guy came to clean it up before sending it back to the main office. Upon inspection he found lots of really freaky porn. Freaky like, "Most people don't think staples and labias mix, but boy are they wrong!"

Do you know the porn guy at work? I'll bet Perry has him beat because the MIS guy recognized his manager's office clock radio in the photo. You guessed it! Perry was making his own porn AT THE OFFICE!

Perry once described to Alex Traterrestrial that he was turned on when he would rub his dog's stomach and the dog would get an erection. I almost threw up right then.

3) Alex Traterrestrial
Alex is a very special person. He's the kind of person you expect to come in one day and start speaking in clicks and whistles. He very well might wear an aluminum foil hat at home. Alex also has something of a temper which makes me suspect that he might come in one day and make a collection of our eyelids if we make a false move.

Well, one day Alex got into it with a manager. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. He even got out of his chair and got toe-to-toe with the guy. Now, I'll admit that the manager was also yelling back, but the shouting match crossed a line when Alex invited the guy to step outside. When his invitation was declined he said, "I'd better not see you in the parking lot because I'm going to kick your ass when I see you outside next."

Why wasn't he fired then? I think he was put on an "action plan."

Just a few months later, he got into another shouting argument, this time with a female employee... in front of an executive vice president, who did his best to pretend like nothing was going on.

It's particularly frustrating because Alex's best work is mediocre. He doesn't follow directions and he's rude. And wierd.

Those things happened over two years ago and Alex is still with us.

4) Polly Pervert
So, you know the guy with porn at your office, do you? Do you know the woman?

Yep! It's Polly Pervert!

She would come to work with her Betty Paige lunchbox and photo album of pornography. Yep. She made her own porn, too, but fortunately not at work. She only displayed the porn at work.

Polly also worked on freelance projects all day at work and made fliers for orgies.

It was particularly amusing when her boyfriend would come in because he was always wearing some new, fish net shirt and leather pants. Sadly, her girlfriend was much more conservative in her attire.

Yep. And they all lived under the same roof.

Polly wasn't fired until she made the unfortunate mistake of sending a purchased font to someone outside the company.

5) Omar Oddball
Omar was a twin and an ugly one at that. My favorite memory of Omar was the day he came to me at the copier and said, "You should meet my brother."

"How come?"

"Because he likes to wear nice clothes and smell good."

"Oh. Um. Well. Those are two very good characteristics in a person, I guess. I have to go now."

Omar should have been fired, though, when he sent and email to a client saying that if the client didn't cooperate Omar would "swim down there and strangle him."

But he wasn't. Omar quit of his own accord six months later.

Those are the highlights for now. I still work with a gaggle of stinkers, liars, cheats, thieves, and basic idiots. I'm never sure how they manage to survive life outside of work, let alone maintain their jobs with Mediocre Corp. Then again, it's called Mediocre Corp. for a reason.

Posted by Flibbertigibbet at July 17, 2004 02:25 AM
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