June 02, 2008

When Should You Die to Save the Planet?

I'm sorry to say (because he's an altruistic, semi-Libertarian blow hard) that I learned about this web site from Glenn Beck who hosts a television show on CNN HNN.  But he's right, it's a ridiculous.

What am I talking about?  I'm talking Professor Schpinkee's Greenhouse Calculator.  "Find out when you should die!"

The site is hosted by the Australian Broadcast Corporation and is apparently intended to teach children how to be green.

The calculator asks you a lot of questions about your lifestyle and as you answer, your pig grows and shrinks.  Growing is bad because that means you're a bigger pig, see.  And at the end, unless your pig is very small (<2.4 tonnes) it explodes and it tells you when you should die.  If it is very small -- smaller even than the example "green pig" -- then it goes to heaven and you are allowed to live forever.

I did my calculations and apparently I was supposed to die at an age somewhere between 2.2 and 2.9 years old.

There's also a game called Planet Slayer in which you get to choose whether you want to save the planet or slay the planet.

If you slay the planet, you get to be this pretty blonde girl with cute clothes but pointy eyebrows.  Her name is X-On.  (What could they be referencing with that?)  Then, you take your little space ship and you shoot the icons that represent "green" things, like Recycling symbols, Save the Earth signs (Don't those signs use up trees and stuff?), and little sunshines.  Isn't the sun the REAL cause of global warming? Meanwhile, you have to let the earth-deadly things, like nuclear power, shopping bags, sneakers, and garbage cans.

When the "bad" things hit the earth, trees die.  And between levels, you're treated to illustrations of dead and rotting animals and toxic waste.

I'm not sure why salt -- the iodized version of which is a cheap and easy way of preventing iodine deficiency which affects an estimated 2 billion people a year -- is BAD for the earth, but I just went with it.  I could ask the same question about nuclear power, but don't let's quibble.

If you choose to save the planet, you get to be this horrible gutter snipe of a twat named Greena.  She has torn, patched-up pants, and ill-fitting, nasty-colored shirt, facial piercings, ratty hair that is pulled into two horrid-looking ponytails.  I'd also like to point out that while X-On scratches at the planet with manicured nails, Greena slams her hand into Indonesia sending tsunamis speeding into inhabited areas.

When Greena wins, she chains herself to trees and shouts hippie slogans and you get to see happy animals and stuff.

I know people like to cut environmentalists some slack and say that not everyone who considers themselves an environmentalist is a dirty hippie like Greena who wants people to live in the dirt and mud.  But that's where it always goes.

This is like religionists in the Republican party.  Once upon a time, religious nuts were a minority in the GOP (they still are, I guess) but they've managed to pull the entire party off into Crazytown.

And so it is with environmentalism.  You nice people who think, "Well, I do think litter is bad and it's not difficult to recycle, so why not?" you're keeping company with people who really do consider human beings pests who should just die out.  And slowly, it's moving from "Don't Litter" to asking children to find out when they should just die to keep from spoiling the earth.

These people aren't joking.  They do not have anyone's best interests at heart.  They want you to die so the weeds can get on with taking over your garden.

Posted by: Flibbertigibbet at 08:05 PM | Comments (9) | Add Comment
Category: Mean Green Machine
Post contains 636 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Only one word for that pig game. Disgusting. Okay maybe two, Odious.

Posted by: Andrew Baker at June 02, 2008 09:10 PM (FePMz)

2 Re: nuclear power, Australia has only one active nuclear reactor - a 20MW open pool light-water reactor used for research and medical treatments only.  It replaced a 10MW reactor that was also used exclusively for research and medicine.  The earlier reactor has been shut down, but is still being decomissioned.  In short, Australia has only ever had one active nuclear reactor, and it has never been used to generate commercial electricity.  Therefore, when the pig game asks, "Is your electricity from a renewable source (hydro or green scheme)?" they probably do not intend nuclear power to be included as a "renewable source," despite its preeminent renewability.

~Q

Posted by: Qwertz at June 02, 2008 10:16 PM (oXrE3)

3 Hmm, 18.1 years. I should have died three years ago.

This test had the reverse effect on me - I want to take advantage of as much "unwarranted" time as possible now!

Posted by: Ryan at June 03, 2008 01:33 AM (/l7hw)

4 That is absolutely outrageous.  I was really hoping it would be a joke.  Ugh.

Posted by: Rational Jenn at June 03, 2008 02:26 PM (IYvUd)

5 I can't find it under the kids' games.  But it pops up on the right of the adult version of the science news page.

~Q

Posted by: Qwertz at June 03, 2008 04:06 PM (oXrE3)

6 Maybe they aren't promoting it after such an outcry raised about it.  There's a little bit of media attention over the whole thing for various reasons.

Posted by: Flibbert at June 03, 2008 04:26 PM (ErOeR)

7 "...you're keeping company with people who really do consider human beings pests who should just die out.  And slowly, it's moving from "Don't Litter" to asking children to find out when they should just die to keep from spoiling the earth.

These people aren't joking.  They do not have anyone's best interests at heart.  They want you to die so the weeds can get on with taking over your garden."

So well said, Flibbert. Well said indeed!

Posted by: Inspector at June 03, 2008 10:02 PM (yST62)

8 If you make the simple transition to a sub-third world subsistence existence, Prof. Schpinkee will allow you to live forever! Isn't that nice? Lenin knew how this would work: "Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted."

Posted by: Ritter at June 05, 2008 01:47 PM (/j1fP)

9 Does anyone know where I can get one of those cute, pink space ships?

Posted by: Flibbert at June 05, 2008 08:14 PM (ru7wW)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Post is locked.
32kb generated in CPU 0.03, elapsed 0.1278 seconds.
69 queries taking 0.106 seconds, 200 records returned.
Powered by Minx 1.1.6c-pink.