June 02, 2008
What am I talking about? I'm talking Professor Schpinkee's Greenhouse Calculator. "Find out when you should die!"
The site is hosted by the Australian Broadcast Corporation and is apparently intended to teach children how to be green.
The calculator asks you a lot of questions about your lifestyle and as you answer, your pig grows and shrinks. Growing is bad because that means you're a bigger pig, see. And at the end, unless your pig is very small (<2.4 tonnes) it explodes and it tells you when you should die. If it is very small -- smaller even than the example "green pig" -- then it goes to heaven and you are allowed to live forever.
I did my calculations and apparently I was supposed to die at an age somewhere between 2.2 and 2.9 years old.
There's also a game called Planet Slayer in which you get to choose whether you want to save the planet or slay the planet.
If you slay the planet, you get to be this pretty blonde girl with cute clothes but pointy eyebrows. Her name is X-On. (What could they be referencing with that?) Then, you take your little space ship and you shoot the icons that represent "green" things, like Recycling symbols, Save the Earth signs (Don't those signs use up trees and stuff?), and little sunshines. Isn't the sun the REAL cause of global warming? Meanwhile, you have to let the earth-deadly things, like nuclear power, shopping bags, sneakers, and garbage cans.
When the "bad" things hit the earth, trees die. And between levels, you're treated to illustrations of dead and rotting animals and toxic waste.
I'm not sure why salt -- the iodized version of which is a cheap and easy way of preventing iodine deficiency which affects an estimated 2 billion people a year -- is BAD for the earth, but I just went with it. I could ask the same question about nuclear power, but don't let's quibble.
If you choose to save the planet, you get to be this horrible gutter snipe of a twat named Greena. She has torn, patched-up pants, and ill-fitting, nasty-colored shirt, facial piercings, ratty hair that is pulled into two horrid-looking ponytails. I'd also like to point out that while X-On scratches at the planet with manicured nails, Greena slams her hand into Indonesia sending tsunamis speeding into inhabited areas.
When Greena wins, she chains herself to trees and shouts hippie slogans and you get to see happy animals and stuff.
I know people like to cut environmentalists some slack and say that not everyone who considers themselves an environmentalist is a dirty hippie like Greena who wants people to live in the dirt and mud. But that's where it always goes.
This is like religionists in the Republican party. Once upon a time, religious nuts were a minority in the GOP (they still are, I guess) but they've managed to pull the entire party off into Crazytown.
And so it is with environmentalism. You nice people who think, "Well, I do think litter is bad and it's not difficult to recycle, so why not?" you're keeping company with people who really do consider human beings pests who should just die out. And slowly, it's moving from "Don't Litter" to asking children to find out when they should just die to keep from spoiling the earth.
These people aren't joking. They do not have anyone's best interests at heart. They want you to die so the weeds can get on with taking over your garden.
Posted by: Andrew Baker at June 02, 2008 09:10 PM (FePMz)
Posted by: Qwertz at June 02, 2008 10:16 PM (oXrE3)
This test had the reverse effect on me - I want to take advantage of as much "unwarranted" time as possible now!
Posted by: Ryan at June 03, 2008 01:33 AM (/l7hw)
Posted by: Rational Jenn at June 03, 2008 02:26 PM (IYvUd)
Posted by: Qwertz at June 03, 2008 04:06 PM (oXrE3)
Posted by: Flibbert at June 03, 2008 04:26 PM (ErOeR)
These people aren't joking. They do not have anyone's best interests at heart. They want you to die so the weeds can get on with taking over your garden."
So well said, Flibbert. Well said indeed!
Posted by: Inspector at June 03, 2008 10:02 PM (yST62)
Posted by: Ritter at June 05, 2008 01:47 PM (/j1fP)
Posted by: Flibbert at June 05, 2008 08:14 PM (ru7wW)
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