February 23, 2009
But I reeeaaallly would like to have someone of my own, too! There are lots of advantages to having a special someone and surely I don't have to list them. But there are. LOTS.
I broke up with Mister Bookworm in October... of 2007. I've had a couple of first dates since then, but nothing beyond that. And it would be nice to have prospects that have a bit more promise than my daily subway crushes.
Of course, I bring this up just because I feel like whining about it because I feel particularly lonely this evening.
I was chatting with Kevin this evening about this and he said I am surely doing something wrong.
I mean, this is New York. There are TONS of gay guys here. HOT gay guys. And in spite of what one might be led to believe based on the sort of people who most often visit our apartment, lots of them work in fields other than theater and have great careers.
And also there are certainly more Objectivists here than I've seen. There definitely have to be more gay Objectivists. HOT gay Objectivists who are my age and good careers. There just have to be.
So, I can see why one might think I'm doing something wrong.
If I'm frank, I could probably do more. I have a tendency to do my own thing and spend a lot of time alone. Spending time alone is not a good tactic for meeting people of any persuasion.
Meeting Objectivists is more difficult.
Obviously, participating in the NY Objectivist group does provide some opportunity to meet people, but there aren't many gays in the group. That's fine because romance is not my primary motivation for attending the group.
There's OCON, too. I've heard lots of gays show up there, but I don't know how many of them are from the NY area. My friend, The Blogless Fourth Axiom, met his boyfriend there. I still haven't decided about going yet. It's REALLY expensive.
I just think there have to be some other, more direct tactics for meeting gay Objectivists here in NYC. I don't think about finding a boyfriend enough to launch an extended strategy to that end. This is a topic that just crosses my mind every now and then, so whatever I figure out has to function within my somewhat passing interest in romance otherwise I will continue to bitch about this while doing nothing to help things along. But that's OK, right? I mean, that's why I have a blog!
January 27, 2009
I Bang the Worst Dudes. (Sorry, Mom.)
I'm not a prude. Sex is awesome. And I don't have any particular fascination with virginity that would cause me to expect it, desire it, or even encourage its maintenance in other or any partners I might have. Of the partners I've had, I've only ever asked one or two of them how many other people he'd been with and then only because that's the way the conversation went. In general, the question doesn't interest me.
It isn't the number of people one has sex with that makes a person a slut, but the means of discernment one exercises in choosing sexual partners. If you just go about rutting with whomever happens to cross your path based on little more than appearances, then you simply are not qualifying your sexual partners to the extent a rationally held value of sex requires.
Moreover, if you make a website about how little discernment you exercise... I don't even need to finish that statement.
What disgusts me so much about this website is that these encounters, while a little embarrassing, are private. I expect we're supposed to pity and laugh at the men described, but I couldn't help but remain aware of the fact that this woman consistently had sex with them -- or at least she intended to.
And now she's going around waving this around for the whole world to see! Has she no pride? Has she no shame?
I just can't help but think this woman to be a filthy human being. And that's without even considering the men she's chosen to sleep with!
January 19, 2009
I have very, VERY few friends whom I'd trust to choose prospective mates for me. Although my physical preferences are rather easy to gauge (tall, dark, handsome) and my professional requirements could be guessed with no information at all (must have career, not just a job. White collar.) these things are very superficial, which means they're also somewhat flexible requirements. It's the inflexible things that trip people up.
I won't date people who believe in any gods. I won't date people who find themselves strongly aligned politically with any major political party.
And I've reached a point where I'm actually reluctant to even consider a prospect if they aren't very familiar with the work of Ayn Rand because I'm tired of dating people who don't have an integrated view of their own emotions and how they fit within reality.
I did look this guy up on Facebook. I can't see his full profile, though, so I can only see a tiny picture of him. I admit I'm kind of curious to see what sort of guy they think I'd match, but the odds of people who don't know I'm an Objectivist finding another Objectivist randomly in a bar where they're watching the Eagles fulfill the prediction made by the guy on CNN are very, very slim. At the same time I haven't been on a date in over a year, so I'm curious about any prospects at all.
October 11, 2008
My parents aren't a good match for one another, but I think at this point they're staying together mostly out of habit and fear. It's their relationship, though, so I leave it to their judgment to determine if it is something they want in their lives -- and they obviously do.
When it comes to romance, having a relationship like theirs is something I absolutely want to avoid.
It does not seem like too much to ask to have someone in my life who inspires me, challenges me, and makes me laugh. I want someone who is an asset to my life physically, emotionally, and socially -- not a liability. The term "ball and chain" is not something I want applied to my relationship in any meaningful way. Every relationship I've had that I've ended, I did so because it failed to fulfill those criteria.
While I don't believe it's too much to ask, I don't really care if it is. I don't want anything else.
I hate when people say relationships are hard work. I don't mean that I think every day is a party or that one never has disagreements, but if living your life with someone who embodies the core of your own values and identity is so difficult, what does that say about your own self-evaluation?
September 22, 2008
Anyway, I sent him an email saying that I was interested in chatting and he sent me a terse note back saying, "give a call," followed by his phone number.
That's very strange to me and not just for the lack of capitalization and punctuation.
I thought about it and decided I would wait and call him today after work, so I sent him an email asking a few friendly questions and telling him I would call the next day.
He responded asking for a photo of me because he wasn't a paying member of the Atlasphere and so could not see my pictures. I sent him links to my Facebook page and my blog which has videos.
I never really worry about sending "good" pictures because my looks are sufficiently within the range of "good looking" as to appeal to a broad population. Even if you have a particular type you're attracted to, I generally offer some amount of appeal. And if you're an Objectivist trying to date Objectivists, well, then you could do far worse than me in the looks department given the limited availability.
(Was all of that indirectly vain enough for you to understand that I am aware of the fact that I'm attractive to most people?)
Anyway, he writes back, " "
I just have to laugh at this because what on earth could he be looking for in a mate? Because of the lack of information in his profile, I can't really begin to speculate about where the incompatibility lies. Of course, I imagine that he's looking for someone with a unicorn horn or walks about in a haze of glitter and sparkles. (Who isn't looking for that, really?)
On the other hand, I absolutely love this exchange. It was simple, direct, and efficient. I wish everyone where that way!
So, on Atlasphere, I met one nice guy who is now geographically incompatible, I got shot down by one mystery fellow, and the third person I wrote to hasn't responded. That isn't a very good track record for a dating site!
September 02, 2008
I used to hold out hope for what I refer to as OWAR: Objectivists Without Ayn Rand. These are people who live like Objectivists, without actually calling themselves Objectivists. Perhaps they haven't even read Ayn Rand. But they try to practice reason. They're honest people and they live for their own happiness.
The most hard-to-find characteristic even among that group of people is a willingness to shed ideas that are proven false. I've only seen that characteristic among people who are, in my opinion, too young for me to date.
Such people most certainly do exist, but they're troublesome to locate and identify. I'm open to dating them, I suppose, but in a directed search for compatible mates, I've found that going on dates with people out of optimism is expensive and boring. Sometimes, that practice even makes me angry because I can't believe how wrong some people are.
I have several basic fundamental requirements for people I date.
It is absolutely necessary for a person I date to be an atheist. I will not date someone who even describes themselves as "spiritual" or agnostic. These people are irritating epistemologically. The irritating part comes not from the questions or arguments they pose, but their smug attitude as they regard themselves as clever and insightful. They're neither.
But I don't want to date someone who is going to talk about philosophy with me all the time. I do expect someone to be able to talk about philosophical ideas from time to time, though. If I can't be assured that someone is starting from the right basic premises, then I can be certain that discussions with them will run afield of the truth.
It is absolutely necessary for someone I date to be utterly and totally convinced of the moral rightness -- and therefore practical efficacy and efficiency -- of free markets. I will brook no compromise here. I will not date anyone who is enamored of either major party. You might dislike one more than the other, but hate is easy and love is telling.
This isn't because I like to talk about politics or economics all the time. But I'm a businessman and I want to date someone else who supports my career. Without reservations like "the man" or "being oppressed by the system" or "the greater good."
I usually never get beyond those two ideological requirements, but I do also have an aesthetic requirement. I never bring that up because, frankly, if you like Anne Rice novels or Jackson Pollock paintings, it's probably already clear that we're not going to get along.
Really, it just boils down to the fact that I want to be unreserved in my love for a man.
I've dated men who are rational in many things, but believe in some kind of undefined higher power. I've dated men who are atheists, but support socialized medicine and coercive taxation. I've dated other combinations, but in all cases I've had to dump them because I've felt uneasy with them. I felt I was constantly insulting their deeply-held beliefs or being assaulted by their political affiliations. I felt uninspired by their dim view of humanity and the universe. I felt lots of things all amounting to a general sense of incompatibility.
I know that getting to know someone takes time and effort. You have to work up to the point where you feel comfortable speaking your mind on any and all topics. You have to find the peculiar way of expression that works best for both of you. But who wants to be in a month or more into a relationship and then find out that you're with someone who believes that the universe is fundmentally unknowable or refers to something called "truth" as if it's china and everyone's entitled to a style of their own? I certainly don't. Hell, I don't even want to get into the middle of a first date and find that out, really, but it's better to find out sooner rather than later.
I was also asked if I want to date someone who agrees with everything I say.
That is a loaded question, predicated by the assumption that there are just two options: either complete agreement or utter disagreement. I think we all know that neither case actually exists.
I expect to share with my mate complete agreement on basic premises and principles. I do not expect to share with my mate agreement on every personal taste and preference. I expect him to have his own hobbies, likes, and dislikes. I expect him to have his own reasons for things and I expect him to tell me what they are. That's what I expect of myself for him as well. And sometimes our interests will overlap.
Further, even above these basic philosophical items, I do also demand compatibility with my daily life and my general sense of life.
September 01, 2008
I'm can accept that I'm a difficult person to match, but online dating sites say they can do it, so I expect them to do it. I haven't paid for subscriptions to other sites because every time I look at the alleged "matches" I get results that are so inappropriate as to be laughable. For example, Match.com asks me about my religion. Atheist. Check! How important is it to me? So important that I'd rather shave my eyebrows off with a belt sander than date someone who believes in magic. Check! Then, they send me an email with my matches and there's a Mormon in there.
It really seems like finding a man who is both rational (read: Objectivist) and physically attractive AND also compatible with me along other criteria is extremely improbable. I'm not willing to give any of that up. Because let's do be clear: I've met men who are physically attractive, but not philosophically attractive. I've met men who are philosophically attractive and physically attractive, but not well-disposed to dating me due to geography, age, occupation, interests, or even just personality. I need it all.
I don't even care to guess at the odds of meeting a match, though. Thinking about those odds has never really bothered me before. I think the fact that when I lived in Georgia, I didn't often see physically attractive men, it didn't bother me as much. I think I imagined that there were lots of people around who were intellectual matches, but there wasn't any reason to find out if I am not even physically attracted to them. Here in NYC, there is no shortage of attractive men, but that immediately opens the door to judging them on other criteria. What I've found is that there are a lot of numbskulls and jackasses out there.
While I've been saying, "Oh, I don't want to date," the reality is that I would really very much like to date. I am just really tired of terrible people. I haven't identified yet why I even bother thinking about them at all. At this moment, my best guess is that it's because they're all over the place and lots of them are really hot.
I don't know what made me think of it, but when I came home, I went to The Atlasphere to see if there was anyone there who might be a good match. I've been there before and looked at profiles, but I haven't seen anyone who really interested me. But this evening, I saw two or three people who looked cool, so I actually signed up for the service and emailed two of them. I will contemplate emailing the third one.
This may turn out to be a waste, but I guess it did make me think a little better of my dating prospects.
I thought I was fine with the idea of being single for the rest of my life. But I think the person who has actually accepted that possibility doesn't spend so much time thinking about his prospects at all. In the past, I think I've managed this just due to my generally positive outlook on the topic, but recently my frustration about it has gotten the better of me.
Every is implies and ought. I do want to date, so I ought to get out there and look where dates can be found.
So, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully, this one guy will write back to me soon and take me up on my request for a meeting even though I don't have the brown eyes he likes.
May 05, 2008
The Cancer Doctor, House's BFF, and his girlfriend, Bitchy Doctor, were buying a mattress together for his apartment. They went to the store and she expressed her opinion for the one she liked and he indicated which one he liked. And then she got called away and she told him to choose the mattress.
He wound up choosing the one she liked even though it was his mattress and when she found out, she got angry.
Him: What?Many, if not most, people would have said, "Do what you want" and mean "Do what I want," but she didn't. She told him precisely and plainly without hint of manipulation that she wanted him to do what he wanted.
Her: You bought the firm mattress
Him: I thought that's the one you wanted.
Her: It was. [pause] Why would you do that?
Him: [chuckling] Is this a trick question?
Her: I left it up to you. You were supposed to get the one you wanted.
Him: I got the one you wanted because I love you.
Her: No. [Pushing him up off of her] You did it because that's what you do. With all of your ex-wives, you did whatever they wanted because it was easier and you ended up resenting them. Don't you dare do that to me.
Him: What? Take care of you?
Her: Have you met me? I can take care of me. I need you to take care of you. [leaving] I have work to do.
Of course, the show is imperfect, so the scenes don't provide such clarity. in the show, she just got done lying and manipulating the mattress salesguy in order to get a better deal on the mattress she wanted.
But I still appreciate her clarity around the need for mutually understood and respected independence in their relationship. It's a difficult balance for many people to strike, I think. Healthy, rational romances are so terribly rare and even more rarely portrayed in art.
It's one thing to do something nice for your mate and there are certainly situations in long-term relationships that may arise where you have to make a decision together and if you disagree, one person has to go along with the other's choice -- retaining the privilege of saying 'I told you so' later, although that is probably a very unwise privilege to exercise -- but it is quite another to go along with your mate's decisions on principle.
I mean, are you thinking for yourself or not?
February 13, 2008
That's all well and good, but I feel the need to issue a statement about my own personal preferences about Valentine's Day presents: DON'T GIVE ME STUFFED ANIMALS.
I hate them. I hate them because they usually aren't cute. They aren't useful. And I tend to associate them with the sort of vapid, childish views of romance that make me want to puke.
There is one exception to the stuffed critter rule: Giant Microbes. But you have to think VERY carefully before you give someone (me) with whom you're romantically involved a stuffed cootie.
January 10, 2008
January 06, 2008
We had a nice dinner at a Moroccan place on the upper west side and then we went for drinks down in Hell's Kitchen. I had a pleasant time hanging out with him, but by the end of the evening, I was 100% sure that this was not a love connection.
Listen, if someone tells you the following, it's probably not a good sign:
- He dated a man who once urinated over his shoulder and onto a book that he was reading.
- He dated a man who once came home late and boiled a pot of his urine on the stove.
- He dated a man who would frequently hide containers of his urine around the apartment.
- All three of the above were about the same man.
- He dated that same man for FOUR YEARS.
Why even talk about your ex on your first date with someone? And then to tell all that stuff? You must be joking me.
I don't think I'm going to start asking people about their experience with being urinated upon like I ask people about their religion, but I might have to update my profiles on various dating websites to let people know I'm not interested in that.
December 28, 2007
I go into gay.com with very low expectations.
The extreme majority of men in there are just looking for sex. You can usually tell that they're looking for sex because they have pictures of their genitals to greet you when you look at their profile.
Also, there's a little bioline where you can put a witty saying for people so they think you're a fun guy. Mine says "The only thing I did wrong was I stayed in Mississippi a day too long" and I point out that it's song lyric song called Mississippi by Bob Dylan. When people see that they almost always assume I'm from Mississippi. I don't know why they draw that conclusion over the more obvious, but still wrong, idea that I'm a huge Bob Dylan fan. (I prefer Sheryl Crow's cover.)
The guys who are looking for sex usually put in their biolines things like
6'2" 185# VGL top only 6" uc looking for now
And possibly a host of other acronyms like PNP, CBT, DD Free, ws, 420, etc.
Of course, they also have screennames like bttmboi4u and leatherddy and frostinglover.
I always imagine running into these people in the gym or at the office and, of course, all I can think about is the fact that they didn't bother to wipe down the machine after they were done with their set. My trainer says I should not list infectious diseases out loud in the gym because it's akin to yelling fire in a crowded theater.
MRSA and crabs are real, people.
My profile makes it very, very clear that I "do not hook up." But no one seems to notice that, just like how they never notice that it says I won't date anyone but atheists.
So, I sign into the Manhattan and Queens chat rooms and start to look through profiles.
When I sifting profiles, I follow a pretty standard process.
First, I click on their screenname, which shows me their bioline and a thumbnail of their picture. If I see a reference to their penis size, sexual proclivities, or anything like that, then I move on. If their photo consists of their genitals, buttocks, or anus, then I move on. Actually, if it is them without a shirt on or in a bathing suit I often move on as well. It's not that I'm a prude or all that hung up on modesty, but your profile photo is the face you've chosen to get people to send you messages. It's an advertisement. So, if your penis is hanging out in your photo, you're sending me a clear message about what you want me to be interested in when I send you a message. The shirtless photos and bathing suit photos are typically what slutty guys who don't want to be called sluts used when they're slutting about on the internets.
Second, assuming that their bioline is innocuous and I find their photo pleasing and not even a little pornographic, then I click to read their profile. When reviewing a profile, I scroll immediately to the religious preference.
I know it sounds like I'm very preoccupied with religion and that it has this huge daily impact on my life, but that's not the case. Religion is just a quick way to weed out many unsuitable candidates.
Assuming that their profile states clearly that they're atheist, I then check their smoking habits -- I only date non-smokers -- and see if there are any references to drug use. If they pass those two things, I read through their whole profile and assess their profile for optional things like job and all that.
I rarely find anyone that I would say is worth chatting up, but I almost always get people trying to talk to me.
So, I logged into the chat rooms and I was in there for less than ten seconds before three people sent me messages saying hello.
Two of them were people who've chatted with me before but I don't find them interesting, so I didn't bother responding. The other window started bombarding me with physical measurements. I told the other guy that he had provided me with too much information and then he began verbally assaulting me with a range of curses and impolite accusations which, strangely enough, included some homophobic insults.
One guy who sent me a message had his sexuality listed as "questioning" even though he made it clear that he was "Looking for: 6'1" - 6'5" (tall) athletic, white, total tops, with size 11 - 15 feet." His photo was of his naked rear end. I have no idea what shoe size has to do with anything unless he has some kind of foot fetish, but I that is not the profile of someone who is "questioning." No, that is a seriously homosexual person right there.
This other guy was 67 years old and he asked me if I was "into mature older men." "Mature" typically means "older" in these contexts, so I asked him if it was an oxymoron or a redundancy. He blandly responded that it was neither. We chatted for a little bit even after I told him that I am not romantically interested in men who are nearly 40 years my senior.
Old Guy: are u single
Flibbert: Oh yes. Most definitely.
Old Guy: y? dont u want someone in ur life
Flibbert: I want someone, but not just anyone.
Old Guy: i think we all do
Flibbert: I don't. I think many people just want someone, they don't care who it is. They don't take romance very seriously.
First of all, I don't know why people type like they're writing a text message. Although, I realize that I spend a lot more time typing things into the internets than most people and what I type does consist of more complete thoughts than what one usually finds in chat rooms on gay.com. Still. I hate when people use that stupid text message typing. And why do they hate punctuation so much?
Anyway, I was thinking about this exchange this morning while I was in the shower.
I do think many if not most people aren't actually all that particular about their romantic choices. I think they don't mind not loving the person they're with as long as they feel sure that the person they're with won't leave them. It's the difference between loving and being loved and I think those people just want to be loved whereas I am more interested in loving.
My best friend, Johndavid, started working in my office a few weeks ago and the other day one of our coworkers came to me and asked, "Are you guys like best friends?"
Johndavid has another friend that he calls his best friend, so I said, "He's my best friend, but I can't say whether or not I'm his best friend."
Our coworker commented with puzzlement and I responded, "It's not about him, it's about me." We chuckled about that, but I meant it.
This is pretty typical of my view of my relationships: I'd rather feel greater affection for someone than they feel for me than be in a relationship feeling oppressed and smothered by their affection for me. But I think a lot of people don't feel that way.
I think a lot of people don't feel that way because there is this pervasive idea that to sacrifice for love is a beautiful thing. How many movies and books have been made about some person who is torn between choosing between the love of their lives and being the love of someone else's life? Those stories are always so silly to me.
I see silly stories about love and I always say, "Well, if you're really in love, then do whatever you need to do. These other things do not matter. Move mountains, swim oceans, give up your career, those things don't matter." I can understand someone I don't love doing that for me because they love me, but I cannot understand doing that for someone I don't love.
One of my favorite movies is Moulin Rouge and in it they say, "The greatest thing is just to love and be loved in return." Indeed, if you can have both, that is the best. But if you can only have one in a relationship, I would choose to love and not to be loved in return.
December 11, 2007
Here's what some dude who just winked at me wrote of himself:
I am a sincere, loving and caring guy, and I am ready to dedicate my love to the right man. I would like to meet a serious, loving and sincere GWM, who is interested in a long term, monogamous relationship.This profile reeks of insecurity and emotional instability, never mind the fact that in his vital stats he states that he's a Christian and I specifically state in my profile -- TWICE -- that I am only interested in atheists.
The guy I would like to meet, should be a good communicator, open with his feelings, passionate, and not be afraid to love and be loved. I don't like guys who are into games, or play "hard to get" First of all, this is a turn-off, and second, I don't have time for games. This doesn't mean that I want rent the U-Haul the weekend after I meet you.
I had few relationships in the past, from which I have learned many important things, and now I am ready to begin a new one, with the hope that this time things will turn to be just right.
I am not into guys who are in gay bars and clubs every day. This doesn't mean that I don't like to go to bars with my partner sometimes.
I want to meet someone who is D&D free, preferble a non-smoker, and light drinker, masculine, healthy, and genuine.
I appreciate people who know what they want, are kind, honest, and have a good sense of humor. I like to be around people who are not afraid to show who they are, and communicate what's on their mind..
If you believe that I am someone that you would want to meet, feel free to contact me. I would like to hear from you. Thank you !!
Allow me to translate this profile for you.
I am a sincere, loving and caring guy, and I am ready to dedicate my love to the right man.
Not only am I desperate, I lack sufficient self-awareness to mask it from unwitting internet peoples. I can back out of my lease any time. Let me know when I can get a copy of your keys and move in.
I would like to meet a serious, loving and sincere GWM, who is interested in a long term, monogamous relationship.
I've been dumped several times by people who said I was "moving too fast." I don't know what they're talking about, I kept the U-Haul a good 5 mph under the posted speed limit.
The guy I would like to meet, should be a good communicator, open with his feelings, passionate, and not be afraid to love and be loved.
I didn't say how many times I've been dumped, nor to I intend to say how many times I've been dumped but I have had eleven dates in the last three days with guys that I thought were "the one" but it turned out that they were too immature to handle the level of passion I brought to the table. And floor. And futon. And local Jared's Jewelers where I insisted we meet for said dates.
I don't like guys who are into games, or play "hard to get" First of all, this is a turn-off, and second, I don't have time for games.
I am a crazy person and I expect you to ignore the fact that I've shaved all the hair off of my dog and glued it to my gold fish.
This doesn't mean that I want rent the U-Haul the weekend after I meet you.
I will rent a Uhaul on my way to meet you.
I had few relationships in the past, from which I have learned many important things, and now I am ready to begin a new one, with the hope that this time things will turn to be just right.
I learned which glue will affix dog hair to a gold fish, for instance. That relationship ended when I "accidentally" replaced his gourmet coffee with Folgers Crystals. I am presently embroiled in a class action suit as a result of that incident, but I need you to help me pay for more lawyers.
I am not into guys who are in gay bars and clubs every day.
This means we sleep at your place.
This doesn't mean that I don't like to go to bars with my partner sometimes.
By "bar" I mean "brothel" and by "partner" I mean "fag hag." And by "go" I mean "do you know how to clean hair out of an aquarium filter" and by "sometimes" I mean "marry me and have my babies right now, dammit!"
I want to meet someone who is D&D free...
I might be on crystal meth and I've developed a pathological fear of dirt and germs.
preferble a non-smoker...
I'm making a list of qualifications, but I don't really mean any of them.
and light drinker...
Either has a driver's license or is willing to drive on a suspended one
Wears Abercrombie shirts (like me, see 7 of the 8 photos I posted in which I am wearing a shirt that says ABERCROMBIE across the chest in big letters) and will squish bugs.
Or at least doesn't mind my hairy gold fish.
And I don't mean just pretending like you don't mind the hairy gold fish. I mean really doesn't mind it. Like if I bring it to beg to sleep on my pillow, I don't want to hear a word or see any eye-rolling. The hairy gold fish is non-negotiable, K?
I appreciate people who know what they want, are kind, honest, and have a good sense of humor. I like to be around people who are not afraid to show who they are, and communicate what's on their mind.
I am a liar.
If you believe that I am someone that you would want to meet, feel free to contact me. I would like to hear from you. Thank you !!
Gas ain't cheap and the Uhaul has the engine running in the drive way. Call me.
And these people are all over the internets, too. With their "I want someone honest!" and "I'm ready for a commitment!" and "I don't have to tell my neighbors I'm a sexual predator because that happened three states away." Whatever.
Right now, I'm a mix of annoyed with these particular people and generally disinterested in dating. The only reason I keep going to Match.com is because they keep sending me emails and I go see what fool has pushed that damned wink button again.
I've never been the sort who is really very lonely or unhappy being single, but I think a desire to share life with someone is pretty common to every healthy person. I have that desire, but there are so many unsatisfactory people out there and I'm nearly overcome with the vastness of mediocrity.
Mister Bookworm was so close. He was so close that I realized that I really can have MUCH higher standards for people. I've cut people too much slack. I've granted too much benefit of the doubt. Mister Bookworm made those abstractions real and concrete.
I do not have to go to an art museum and tolerate some person blathering on about Rothko's panels displaying the "full range of human emotion." I do not have to put up with the worry that some horrible Edith Wharton tome will thrust upon my To Read pile. A grasp of one's primary language is not too much to ask.
Even qualifications that Mister Bookworm didn't fully meet seem more within the realm of possibility.
He could have been a giant and he very nearly was. He stood shoulders above other men and now I realize how very, very small so many of them are.
So, when I see these people -- especially ones like this guy who are even smaller than most -- I find myself annoyed. It'd be better if I didn't give them so much thought, but they keep winking at me.
I should turn those damn notifications off. Actually, I'm going to go do that right now.
December 03, 2007
Well, years ago, a friend of mine was on Match.com and spotted someone he thought he might be interested in. He sent me a link to the profile, but I couldn't see the profile without creating a profile of my own. Convenient.
So, I created a profile with minimal information so that I could see this link. I don't remember how that turned out, but later I returned to Match.com and decided to update my profile with good info, just to see what might happen.
Nothing happened. I've refused to pay for that sort of thing, so I can't try all the features they offer, but that doesn't stop people from "winking" at me. I always look at the profile of the winker and 100% of the time so far they've been wankers and so I've declined their wink.
Anyway, after I moved to NYC, I kept getting winks from people in Georgia and South Carolina, which was weird to me because I changed my zip code to NYC. It actually got pretty irritating.
Well, on Saturday, after getting a couple of new winks (I used to get one or two a week, but sometimes two or three in a single day) I finally found the place where I could update my location to NYC. And so I did that.
NOW I'm getting all these winks from people here in New York, too! *sigh* And they're all from people who are completely unsuitable for dating me. I'm not even talking about looks. I'm talking about basic qualifications.
The biggest eliminator of suitors is faith. I refuse to date anyone who is not an atheist. My profile says this:
I refuse to date people of faith. I think a person's opinion on those matters is important and fundamental to their view of life and even as an atheist, I'm the same way. ATHEISTS ONLY.But Christians and everything else keep winking at me and sending me messages.
I just don't understand what these people are thinking. Maybe they didn't read my profile closely enough. That's a possibility, but I find myself increasingly frustrated with these people and am starting to think that the dating pool is polluted with gum-smacking, mouth-breathing, window-licking idjits.
I've been tempted to pay for a couple of months worth membership to Match.com to see what I can see, but at this rate, I am so unimpressed with the candidates that I can only say that it would be a phenomenal waste of my money, time, and energy to deal with it.
October 19, 2007
I don't want to leave you with the impression that you should run your life just following your whims. There's a second step to introspection. Once you've observed your emotion in action, you have to identify what value you're responding to.
For example, I am opposed to circumcision and a couple of my coworkers who are fathers mentioned that they would have their sons circumsized. I pointed out all the reasons why they really shouldn't do that, but they refused to hear of it for no good reason at all. I was outraged.
In observing this emotion, I identified it as a form of anger.
In order to identify the values I was responding to, I compared that situation to other situations in which I felt that way, like when I found out that my friend's house was robbed or my sister experienced sexual harassment at her work. Although my response varies in degrees and may be combined with other emotions, by comparing it to other situations, I could identify common threads.
Basically, my outrage about my coworkers circumsizing their sons was a response to injustice. They're mutilating children who have no way of defending themselves or making an informed decision on the topic. That is not their body to mangle. There isn't a good reason to mangle it. It's a violation of that child's person in an extremely intimate way.
In the course of inspecting my emotional responses, my objective is to sort of map out my subconscious and find out what values I've actually integrated. It is possible for a person to integrate values that run counter to what they claim consciously. This is all the more reason to figure out what's really there in your subconscious, but in romance, I think this is even more important.
Reader Qwertz requested some clarification around one of the comments I made in my earlier post that I think will make some sense here.
If you think your subconscious mind is wrong about your relationship (either responding positively or negatively when it should be responding in the other way), being in a relationship is not where you should be while trying to correct it.Here was my response:
I found this part most intriguing. Might you at some point elaborate on it?
Well, let's say you're in a relationship with a person who isn't good to you, but you have the emotional response of something you call love to that person and the relationship -- perhaps even the worse they treat you, the more loyal and committed you feel toward them.
In that case your emotions are saying, "This is a very good thing!" but your conscious mind is saying, "Dude. This is totally effed up. I should not be here."
I'm thinking specifically of people in abusive relationships. These people feel desperately attached and even in love with the person abusing them, but at the same time they say they know they shouldn't put up with it.
In this situation, this person has to straighten out the part of their subconscious that is telling them that being abused is a good thing. They should not be in that relationship, though, and it is unlikely that being in that relationship will help them in making that correction to their psychology.
Now, consider the opposite situation: someone -- perhaps with the same psychological problem -- in a situation with someone else who is absolutely wonderful. Their partner is successful, happy, supportive, attractive, and madly in love with them in the proper sense of the word and they have a ton of things in common. There is absolutely nothing that is apparently wrong with that person, but for some reason our subject responds negatively to them or at least does not feel love for them.
This situation is obviously less immediately threatening to our subject, but neither is it fruitful. They think they should be in love with their partner, but something is wrong; they don't love them.
Again, our subject wants to figure out why their subconscious isn't responding positively to what they claim are their values and they really do want to respond to those value they've consciously chosen. To do so, they must embark on a process of integrating those values into their subconscious mind. Again, I do not think that being in the relationship is where they should be while doing this.
So, in both cases, I am of the mind that a person should not be in the relationship. The bottom line is that your conscious and your subconscious should be on the same page and if they aren't you should consider very, very carefully whether or not now is the right time for love.
October 14, 2007
The hardest and largest effort involved in the process of introspection is observation.
Emotions are reactions, not actions in themselves. The only clear signs that we have that reveal the nature of our subconscious are emotions. So, in order to understand what your subconscious is like, the first thing you have to do is watch it in action.
In a sense, your subconscious mind is who you "really" are. It is the compilation of the sorts of things that you hold important in your life. Not to oversimplify things, but your subconscious allows you to respond instantly to the world around you.
Love is a powerful positive emotion that comes in response to encountering your most deeply held values in another person.
A lot of people ask themselves how they will know if they're in love or not and the only way to answer that question is through introspection. You have to observe your emotional response to the person in question and see if that emotion is love.
Your subconscious mind may not have your best interests at heart. I mean, it's possible that it doesn't hold rational values. This is why some people end up in codependent or destructive relationships; they actually respond positively to bad things. This obviously causes significant conflict and unpleasantness in their lives.
In my life, I've tried dating the guy who is perfect on paper and it just doesn't work that way. If the feeling isn't there, it does you a disservice to try to trick yourself into thinking otherwise. It's such an unpleasant experience.
I've also dated guys who are not the right person on paper, but they had something compelling about them and although those haven't worked, I think it was easier for me to learn from the experience in those cases.
When someone has some obvious characteristic that doesn't work, it's easy to break up with them. It also seems easier to pick out the things I do like.
It's a lot harder to break up with someone when they're really good and the only thing you have to go on is the fact that you're not having the right emotional response to the person.
In romance, I think you do have to trust that emotion. Observe it and try to identify the source, but the emotion you're having is the conclusion of your subconscious mind. You will not be happy in a relationship unless your subconscious mind is satisfied. If you think your subconscious mind is wrong about your relationship (either responding positively or negatively when it should be responding in the other way), being in a relationship is not where you should be while trying to correct it.
I'm not saying you should always just up and dump your partner when you think something isn't right. You have to assess your relationships for yourself depending on what you want out of life, the relationship, and your partner.
Mister Bookworm and I broke up today.
August 29, 2007
I hate that pizza place and I was complaining about it and so I said, "I'd rather some of the Kate."
Crickets. People looked at me with confuzzled expressions.
"Anyone with me on this? Bianca. Kate. Taming of the Shrew? Anyone? What about Ten Things I Hate About You? Oooookaaaaayyyy..."
Then, last night at the client dinner, some of the guys in the room were complaining that our dining room didn't have any television sets. I pointed out that even still we had a delightful ficus tree. They countered asking if the tree could give us the score.
I laughed and said, "This isn't The Giving Tree."
Again with the puzzled looks.
Shakespeare to Silverstein and no hits.
I usually attribute these things to some unexpected free associations in my mind, but I know that Mister Bookworm would have understood the references at the time without me having to explain. I could have even quoted lyrics from The Clash, made references to Guy Fawkes, Atilla, and Eurydice, and then alluded to Janice Dickenson's apparent insanity and he would have understood it all.
August 21, 2007
I had gone to get a shower, but I like to take care of business and let the water get warm and that's what I was doing. He has a cold and ran out of tissues, though, so, hearing the running water, he thought he'd sneak in and get some paper and leave.
Unfortunately, there was was with the Jessica Alba issue of GQ.
He left without the tissue, but we talked about it and we agree that although pooping is decidedly not a public activity or a bonding opportunity, if one needs tissue, one might as well get it.
At this rate, we'll be purchasing real estate and farting together by New Year's.
July 20, 2007
The fountains mingle with the river,
And the rivers with the ocean;
The winds of heaven mix forever,
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one another's being mingle;--
Why not I with thine?
See! the mountains kiss high heaven,
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister flower would be forgiven,
If it disdained it's brother;
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea;--
What are all these kissings worth,
If thou kiss not me?
July 16, 2007
And only minutes earlier he was reminding me of the lyrics to a House of Pain song, which I then point out are referenced by Wyclef Jean in the Fugees' cover of Stayin' Alive.
Meanwhile, bystanders are at a loss.
I guess it's a little bit rude to the company, but it's so much fun that I can't resist.
July 15, 2007
He's a great guy, though. Super smart, funny, and cute. His politics are freedom oriented and his personal philosophy (though not explicitly Objectivist) is somewhat Objectivish. He has a good education and he has a career that he loves and is proud of.
We spent a lot of time together over the weekend and we talked almost nonstop about all kinds of things. Music, books, movies, history, art... all kinds of stuff. And every conversations consists of a near endless string of, "I like that one, too! Have you seen..."
I don't want to jump to any conclusions or rush into anything prematurely, but I am really surprised and impressed with him. I'm excited to see him again and spend some more time with him.
July 05, 2007
Well, I met some new guy and I only met him that once and he seemed nice. He asked me if I wanted to meet up again for drinks some time and I accepted. But then he's not communicated with me since. Again, I assume he's just not that into me.
I'm thinking of it because I see he's online right now.
At the moment, this phenomenon is just an interesting change of pace, but I can see how if this goes on one might develop a low opinion of humanity. heh heh heh...
I've never seen him so desperately happy and fulfilled and it brings me joy to see it in my life.
They've had to and continue to overcome various situational factors in their relationship, but it seems to work. I hope it continues to work.
I'm so very happy for the two of them.
I managed to get to bed just a little bit after midnight, too.
This morning, reflecting on the party, I find myself in a bit of a bad mood.
I was out of sorts for our party due to a vicious hangover from Wednesday night. Obviously, that's my own fault, but I was feeling much improved by the time of our party even if the thought of consuming any alcohol filled me with dread.
Several of my friends showed up -- something I'm very happy about -- and I got to spend a little bit of time with all of them. My disappointment stems from the fact that I couldn't spend more time with each of them and a few in particular.
See, I'm nursing a little crush on a guy with whom a romance is almost certainly out of the question. It's not that he isn't gay or by appearance an unsuitable match at all. In fact, when I talk to him and consider his course in life, I am very impressed with him -- inspired, even. But his situation is far removed from my own.
I'm being deliberately vague about this for reasons you can likely guess.
It's just terribly frustrating because when it comes to things like one's situation in life, there is a youthful determination and exuberance that drives a person to think that they can be overcome. Indeed, it's quite possible that such things could be overcome, but the odds are not good.
Long distance is a good example of a situational factor that can be overcome but presents a considerable burden to established relationships and a near insurmountable obstacle to new ones. Point of fact, I won't enter into long distance relationships for those reasons and the only reason is because I think romance is difficult enough without adding great distances to it.
But one is ready to admit that all relationships present some sort of situational factor that is less than optimal. Perhaps they are at a place in their career where they can't spend very much time with you. Maybe there is a bit of an age difference. Maybe they are very happy in their career, but they aren't very financially stable.
These things can be overcome, some more easily than others, but they are all obstacles to be overcome. One has to decide how much one is willing to work for the relationship.
I tend to be rather mercenary about these things. As a rule, I won't enter into long distance relationships. I have a guideline (not a rule) that says I won't date people without a college degree.
The question of age is a troublesome one for me because I've always generally dated men who are several (5 to 10) years older than myself. I find men in their mid 30's to early 40's very attractive, but I recognize also that there is a large difference in the amount of life experience between me and someone at that stage in their life. I've only rarely considered dating men younger than myself and the idea of it fills me with some unease; youth is a time of possibility, hope, and adventure and even though I have a lot of that left, I would dread the idea of being an untoward influence on someone who is starting out in their adult life because I am presently invested and directed in mine.
As I said, these sorts of situational factors can be overcome, but am I willing?
When it comes to this man I know there are a couple of these not insignificant situational factors to overcome.
What has put me in a bad mood though is at my party, I noticed him spending a fair amount of time with someone else and they exchanged numbers. They even left the party together.
Now, the person he was with is not in the least unworthy. I have considered dating this other person, but when I did the math so to speak I came to the conclusion that I wasn't interested.
But when I think of them together I get angry.
So, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of something that I haven't even made my mind up about. I can't think of any other way to describe it other than simple, petulant jealousy. That in itself frustrates me.
I'm frustrated by his situation or mine in relation to his. I'm frustrated that when I'm around him that I can't think of anything to say. I'm frustrated that I didn't get to talk to him very much last night. I'm jealous that someone else did. And I find myself projecting my present frustration, anger, and jealousy outward to my view of any prospect I have of finding the sort of romance I really want.
Basically, I'm in a bad mood.
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