December 11, 2007

Uncharitable

I mentioned a few days ago how annoying to find most of the people who "wink" at me on Match.com.  It's like they haven't bothered to read my profile at all.  They just see my picture and say, "Hm.  I think I'd like to get horizontal with him," and off they go clicking the little winky button.  I wish they'd keep their little winky buttons to themselves.

Here's what some dude who just winked at me wrote of himself:

I am a sincere, loving and caring guy, and I am ready to dedicate my love to the right man. I would like to meet a serious, loving and sincere GWM, who is interested in a long term, monogamous relationship.

The guy I would like to meet, should be a good communicator, open with his feelings, passionate, and not be afraid to love and be loved. I don't like guys who are into games, or play "hard to get" First of all, this is a turn-off, and second, I don't have time for games. This doesn't mean that I want rent the U-Haul the weekend after I meet you.

I had few relationships in the past, from which I have learned many important things, and now I am ready to begin a new one, with the hope that this time things will turn to be just right.

I am not into guys who are in gay bars and clubs every day. This doesn't mean that I don't like to go to bars with my partner sometimes.

I want to meet someone who is D&D free, preferble a non-smoker, and light drinker, masculine, healthy, and genuine.

I appreciate people who know what they want, are kind, honest, and have a good sense of humor. I like to be around people who are not afraid to show who they are, and communicate what's on their mind..

If you believe that I am someone that you would want to meet, feel free to contact me. I would like to hear from you. Thank you !!
This profile reeks of insecurity and emotional instability, never mind the fact that in his vital stats he states that he's a Christian and I specifically state in my profile -- TWICE -- that I am only interested in atheists.

Allow me to translate this profile for you.

I am a sincere, loving and caring guy, and I am ready to dedicate my love to the right man.
Not only am I desperate, I lack sufficient self-awareness to mask it from unwitting internet peoples.  I can back out of my lease any time.  Let me know when I can get a copy of your keys and move in.

I would like to meet a serious, loving and sincere GWM, who is interested in a long term, monogamous relationship.
I've been dumped several times by people who said I was "moving too fast."  I don't know what they're talking about, I kept the U-Haul a good 5 mph under the posted speed limit.

The guy I would like to meet, should be a good communicator, open with his feelings, passionate, and not be afraid to love and be loved.
I didn't say how many times I've been dumped, nor to I intend to say how many times I've been dumped but I have had eleven dates in the last three days with guys that I thought were "the one" but it turned out that they were too immature to handle the level of passion I brought to the table.  And floor.  And futon.  And local Jared's Jewelers where I insisted we meet for said dates.

I don't like guys who are into games, or play "hard to get" First of all, this is a turn-off, and second, I don't have time for games.
I am a crazy person and I expect you to ignore the fact that I've shaved all the hair off of my dog and glued it to my gold fish.

This doesn't mean that I want rent the U-Haul the weekend after I meet you.
I will rent a Uhaul on my way to meet you.

I had few relationships in the past, from which I have learned many important things, and now I am ready to begin a new one, with the hope that this time things will turn to be just right.
I learned which glue will affix dog hair to a gold fish, for instance.  That relationship ended when I "accidentally" replaced his gourmet coffee with Folgers Crystals.  I am presently embroiled in a class action suit as a result of that incident, but I need you to help me pay for more lawyers.

I am not into guys who are in gay bars and clubs every day.
This means we sleep at your place.

This doesn't mean that I don't like to go to bars with my partner sometimes.
By "bar" I mean "brothel" and by "partner" I mean "fag hag."  And by "go" I mean "do you know how to clean hair out of an aquarium filter" and by "sometimes" I mean "marry me and have my babies right now, dammit!"

I want to meet someone who is D&D free...
I might be on crystal meth and I've developed a pathological fear of dirt and germs.

preferble a non-smoker...
I'm making a list of qualifications, but I don't really mean any of them.

and light drinker...
Either has a driver's license or is willing to drive on a suspended one

masculine...
Wears Abercrombie shirts (like me, see 7 of the 8 photos I posted in which I am wearing a shirt that says ABERCROMBIE across the chest in big letters) and will squish bugs.

healthy...
Or at least doesn't mind my hairy gold fish.

and genuine.
And I don't mean just pretending like you don't mind the hairy gold fish.  I mean really doesn't mind it.  Like if I bring it to beg to sleep on my pillow, I don't want to hear a word or see any eye-rolling.  The hairy gold fish is non-negotiable, K?

I appreciate people who know what they want, are kind, honest, and have a good sense of humor. I like to be around people who are not afraid to show who they are, and communicate what's on their mind.
I am a liar.

If you believe that I am someone that you would want to meet, feel free to contact me. I would like to hear from you. Thank you !!
Gas ain't cheap and the Uhaul has the engine running in the drive way.  Call me.

And these people are all over the internets, too.  With their "I want someone honest!"  and "I'm ready for a commitment!"  and "I don't have to tell my neighbors I'm a sexual predator because that happened three states away."  Whatever.

Right now, I'm a mix of annoyed with these particular people and generally disinterested in dating.  The only reason I keep going to Match.com is because they keep sending me emails and I go see what fool has pushed that damned wink button again.

I've never been the sort who is really very lonely or unhappy being single, but I think a desire to share life with someone is pretty common to every healthy person.  I have that desire, but there are so many unsatisfactory people out there and I'm nearly overcome with the vastness of mediocrity.

Mister Bookworm was so close.  He was so close that I realized that I really can have MUCH higher standards for people.  I've cut people too much slack.  I've granted too much benefit of the doubt.  Mister Bookworm made those abstractions real and concrete. 

I do not have to go to an art museum and tolerate some person blathering on about Rothko's panels displaying the "full range of human emotion."  I do not have to put up with the worry that some horrible Edith Wharton tome will thrust upon my To Read pile.  A grasp of one's primary language is not too much to ask. 

Even qualifications that Mister Bookworm didn't fully meet seem more within the realm of possibility.

He could have been a giant and he very nearly was.  He stood shoulders above other men and now I realize how very, very small so many of them are.

So, when I see these people -- especially ones like this guy who are even smaller than most -- I find myself annoyed.  It'd be better if I didn't give them so much thought, but they keep winking at me.

I should turn those damn notifications off.  Actually, I'm going to go do that right now.

Posted by: Flibbertigibbet at 09:22 PM | Comments (11) | Add Comment
Category: Romance
Post contains 1445 words, total size 9 kb.

1

I can sympathize.  I hate Match.  It sucks you in like the big black hole that it is.  You keep hoping the winks are from cool people, and then you click on them and get linked to these nasty profiles that make you go, "WTF?"  I met some really nice guys on Match that weren't in it simply to get laid, and I'm still friends with them.  However, that's definitely been the exception to the rule in my experience.

Posted by: Monica at December 11, 2007 09:41 PM (Uty/b)

2 It's refreshing to see (read) a healthy self-esteem that has some actual standards. When I hear the opposite - usually those who talk of "loneliness," (and the depths it brings them to) it's always about someone who has no freaking perspective on just how undesirable (an understatement, that - repellent is perhaps more apt) most people out there actually are. Which is of course rooted in the flip side of the coin: lacking the self-esteem to appreciate just how much better one is than them.

Or simply lacking the vision to realize why all of those flaws people have matter and thus not integrating the kind of disgust for them which is proper. In other words, being naive.

Ah, but I digress. Flib, you have a rare and healthy attitude. Quite refreshing to read. Keep up the good work!

Posted by: Inspector at December 11, 2007 10:53 PM (yST62)

3 This guy's description reminds me of the scene in "Magnolia," where the cop and the drug addict are on their first date. The drug addict spontaneously confesses her worthlessness, prompting the cop to assure her with his own inadequacies. Of course, the two find a common bond in their shared wretchedness.

Whoever wrote "Punch Drunk Love" must have seen "Magnolia," because the spirit of Adam Sandler's character is contained within the scene I described. I don't know why Hollywood portrays confessions of inadequacy as romantic gestures, but it certainly brings in the praise from critics. Both of the films I mentioned have over an 80% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Posted by: DanielW at December 11, 2007 11:58 PM (KWqe+)

4 Didn't the same person direct both of those movies?  PT Anderson, I think.

I HATED Punch Drunk Love and wanted to walk out of it, but my friends wouldn't budge. I liked Magnolia for how well it was put together, but not for its themes.

Anyway, you're right.  People are SO much like the crackhead and the cop.  Bonkers.

Posted by: Flibbertigibbet at December 12, 2007 10:01 AM (ErOeR)

5 What does this guy have against Dungeons and Dragons (D & D)?

Posted by: Justin at December 12, 2007 12:08 PM (bpSFK)

6 Dungeons & Dragons is a frighteningly common, but not appealing aspect of the lives of many gays.

Posted by: Flibbertigibbet at December 12, 2007 01:16 PM (ErOeR)

7 Oh wow, I thought he meant something else by D&D.  Are RPGs common within the gay community?  I must adjust my stereotypes!

I've never played the table-top variety, but I must confess I am a huge sucker for video game RPGs.  I hope this doesn't ruin my chances with you, Flibbert, should I decide to go all the way gay.

Posted by: Justin at December 12, 2007 01:42 PM (+BqEV)

8 heh heh heh... In reality, he does mean something else.  He means "Drug and Disease Free."

But even if you want to go just a little bit gay, Justin, I'm here for you. 

Posted by: Flibbertigibbet at December 12, 2007 02:29 PM (ErOeR)

9 Just horizontal?  I can think of all sorts of different directions in all sorts of different planes and spatial configurations, many of which are much more interesting than plain old boring horizontal...

Out of perverse curiosity, I registered the minimum required on the Match Dot Com to be able to run a search.  I looked for men (interested in men) within 50 miles of my zip code, aged 22-31, with the "atheist" box checked.

Zilch.

Well, not zilch exactly.  There was one guy who had the "atheist" box checked, but he wasn't really an atheist, so I didn't count him.

Funny, because I thought it was the E Harmony Dot Com that was all about the religion...

~Q

Posted by: Qwertz at December 12, 2007 06:18 PM (SlU3W)

10

In approximately a six month period, I saw about 1.5 people on Match that said they were atheist.  It's extremely uncommon for people to use that term.  Many people say "agnostic" or "spiritual but not religious"

blah.  minced words.

Posted by: Monica at December 13, 2007 11:22 PM (Uty/b)

11 I refuse to date people who say anything BUT atheist.  It is uncommon for people to say atheist, so it's a moderately strong indicator that they understand the implications of the term.

"Spiritual but not religious" is particularly infuriating to me -- a little more than agnostic, but for the same reasons -- because that is the terminology of a person who refuses to think. They're a second-hander, someone who doesn't wish to offend.  Someone who wants to claim that they understand the "spiritual experience" offered by the communion with the supernatural such as in the ecstasy of Christian  sacraments.  But they also don't want to appear as if they're an ignorant, anti-science rube.

*blech*

Don't get me started on "spiritual" people.

Posted by: Flibbertigibbet at December 14, 2007 12:03 AM (EDyeQ)

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