January 25, 2009
January 24, 2009
Party-Goer: God hates you.
Flibbert: If that's the case, I would think the Devil would do something to correct it.
Roommate: But you don't believe in the Devil.
Flibbert: No, but assuming they do exist, the Devil should want to help me continue in my disbelief. The best thing the Devil has going for him is the complete and utter lack of evidence for God. So, he needs to get on it and make my room comfortable!
September 22, 2008
Republicans believe in privatizing profit and socializing fiscal loss. - TedBear
Found in the comments over at Joe.My.God.
June 05, 2008
Me: Well, if you're not offending somebody, you're probably doing something wrong. You're probably doing something worse, in fact.
May 08, 2008
April 19, 2008
April 09, 2008
It was pretty awesome.
but a terrible mess.
Flibbert: It looks like blood is splattered on my schema paper.
I love that
Flibbert: I want to spray someone with red ink now.
All it takes is a red ink pen and one of these cans of air.
and then you can make a huge mess.
My trashcan looks like a biohazard.
Johndavid: What in hell were you doing?
Don't judge me.
March 06, 2008
Johndavid: No. It would be exploded or something.Not just acting wrong.
Flibbert: Maybe Satan just sent your call to one of his less competent underlings.
Johndavid: hahahaha - his underlings are all masterminds.
Flibbert: So, what you're telling me is that there is no growth potential in hell.I'm giving second thoughts to making evil my career.
Johndavid: Evil in hell is perfect evil.
Flibbert: Mm hm.
Johndavid: Which is a concept that the human brain can't actually conceive.
Flibbert: Ineffable evil?
Johndavid: I won't ask you to have faith, because they don't do that in hell either.
Flibbert: Interesting!I still think something wicked happened to my computer, though.
Johndavid: But I will ask you to be careful. You don't have to believe in a flaming lizard-monkey demon in order for it to bite you in the ass.And you can quote me on that.
Flibbert: I will!
January 04, 2008
December 11, 2007
Robin Meade: Do you want to be a top or a bottom?Robin, I love you but I'm not in love with you.
CNN HNN, Morning Express with Robin Meade
November 19, 2007
October 31, 2007
Friend: Did you see the video for Gimme More?
Flibbert: Are you kidding me? It's garbage. It's her VMA performance, but it's worse because it has the full production effort of a music video behind it. It's gross.
Friend: I can see what she was going for though
Flibbert: [still ranting] And she's supposed to be a stripper but she's scared to swing on the pole? Whatever. And she can't walk in heels because SHE'S BEEN WEARING FLIP-FLOPS FOR THE PAST THREE GODDAMN YEARS!!
October 30, 2007
[some conversation here about t-shirts and things]
Coworker #2: I don't mind the Finns, but do you know what bothers me about them? They sided with Hitler!!
Coworker #1: Well, yeah, there's that.
Coworker#2: Although when it comes to siding with Hitler, I don't hold it against everyone. I hold it against the Finns. I hold it against the Germans, but for some reason I can't hold it against Italy.
Flibbert: That's because they had Mussolini. They came up with their own f!bombed up sh!t.
October 14, 2007
Johndavid: You know who I have realized does not, in fact, know best?
Flibbert: I think that's kind of the point of that show.
Johndavid: In there lies the problem.
Flibbert: It's not just that he doesn't know best...
Flibbert: he doesn't even really know regular.
Flibbert: I wouldn't say he knows WORST, but it's subpar.
Flibbert: Hogan knows subpar.
September 05, 2007
Friend: If Google merged with Apple, I would never sin again. I promise.
Flibbert: I will sin ALL. THE. TIME.
August 20, 2007
Fantasy Football Dude 1: Aren't you a Jets fan?
Fantasy Football Dude 2: Yeah.
Fantasy Football Dude 1: You don't have any Jets on your team.
Fantasy Football Dude 2: I'm playing for money.
August 06, 2007
Guy pushing out of the elevator: 'Scuze me
Flibbert: Great. Now I'm pregnant.
Coworker: He said 'excuse me.'
Flibbert: Words won't make the baby go away.
July 12, 2007
June 14, 2007
Long-haired, Shirtless Dude hi. nice pic
Flibbert Where'd your shirt go?
Long-haired, Shirtless Dude oops.... yeah, it was a momentary lapse of judgement
Long-haired, Shirtless Dude I must have been tipsy
Flibbert uh huuuuhhh...
Why do I go on there again?
April 04, 2007
A tourist mom with three teens in tow halts in the middle of the block, causing two suits and several other people to crash into them.
Suit #1: For the love of God, move, you idiots! There are people walking behind you!
Tourist mom: You don't have to be so rude!
Suit #2: He's rude? You clearly see this is a busy sidewalk, and yet you stop dead in the middle and block all traffic!
Tourist mom: He didn't have to say it so rude -- we are not from around here!
Suit #1: And does that somehow excuse your being idiots and stopping in the middle of a busy street?
Tourist mom: At least we are not so rude in Tennessee!
Suit #2: That explains the idiocy, but it still isn't an excuse.
Tourist mom: That was unnecessary!
Suit #1: Perhaps, but it's true.
Suit #2: Here, maybe this is more polite: Welcome to New York. Slow walking idiots prone to stopping for no reason stay to the fucking right of busy sidewalks, and don't get in the way of the non-mentally impaired locals. Now fuck off.
March 23, 2007
Flibby: Um. No, I can't.
Tech Guy: Yes, you can.
Flibby: I really don't think I can.
Tech Guy: Have you tried?
Tech Guy: Try.
Tech Guy: Open this application...
Flibby: You know I don't have an account on that application, right?
Tech Guy: Oh. Well, then you can't do it.
Flibby: I didn't think so.
March 15, 2007
Coworker: You don't want free coffee?
Flibby: I don't drink straight coffee.
All my coffee is [waving arms and wiggling in his chair] GAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!
February 13, 2007
Mom: So, what kind of animals do you think we will see at the zoo?
Small boy: I think elephants and snakes... Mom? Are there also pretend things there, like dinosaurs and God?
Mom: I think we need to have a talk when we get home.
--N train near Union Square
February 05, 2007
Coworker: Flibby, where are you going?
Coworker: Are you going on vacation or something?
Flibby: Um. I'm just going to sit here at my desk. What are you talking about.
Flibby: Oh! Yeah, I'm moving some stuff out to my apartment in Astoria this evening. I'm going to take a little vacation in sunny Astoria.
Coworker: Oh yeah? That'll be nice. You know, to get away for a bit.
Flibby: Yeah. It'll be relaxing. Take a little break...
Coworker: I heard there are Queens out there.
Flibby: I sure hope so.
I'm here all week, folks. Remember to tip your bartenders!
November 25, 2006
Shoe salesman: No. This is a shoe store.
Ditz: But you used to?
Shoe salesman: shakes head
Ditz: Just a little bit?
Shoe salesman: shakes head
Ditz: leaving I'M SO CONFUSED!
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