November 18, 2004
I completely understand your love for me. I am smart and pretty and funny and successful. I also humor you during our little spats, which takes no small amount of patience.
But I think all observers of our conversations starting realize what a lovely lady you are yourself. If they do not, I would like to let them know.
What other kind of woman can simultaneously string together expletives like so much gas from jalapeno sausage and still convince the audience that she is self-medicated to a point of functional illiteracy? I’ll tell you what kind: A lady of mystery and intrigue.
You’re like an onion, but in a good way. Onions make people cry as if they are sad, but when your sagacious wit draws tears, they are obviously tears of hysterical laughter. You do bring conversation to a point of absurdity that can but amuse.
Onions also have many layers. The simile is trite, I know, but it is true. I could make another one for you about things that have many layers, like the many segments of a tapeworm or the musty, decomposing layers of a compost pile, but I think ‘onion’ is far more direct and romantic.
So, you are like an onion also in that you have many layers. I have recently peeled back another layer: your remarkable business acumen. Since I am very greedy (another of my finer points) I appreciate this in you.
My readers may not realize it, but you continue to visit my site and leave comments so that everyone else will see you and go to see what that one radio station is all about. You know the radio station to which I refer. This strategy of yours shows that you are very far-sighted.
“Most Likely to Think Ahead” That’s what they will probably say of you when you get to high school.
I almost didn’t see through your strategy myself! I thought, “Surely she realizes that this is only driving up my traffic and giving me more comments and attracting people to see our sexual tension draw tighter and tighter. By now my readers must be in a frenzy to see our relationship consummated!”
I must say, I first blushed when I considered how forward and public you are with your affections. How did you put it once? Something about picking up trash on Thursday nights? Perhaps you were talking about community service – which only highlights your generosity.
When I realized how clever you are to use my site to drive traffic to a radio station, I was in awe. I am sure that my readers have flocked – nay! SWARMED – to the radio by the ones and maybe even twos. They’re going in hopes of hearing you and that one guy whose name escapes me at the moment.
Lover, you are truly a worthy presence on my site. Allow me to shower you now in cyber-smooches. SMOOCH! SMOOCH! SMOOCH!
Please write back soon!
PS If you aren't a lady, I guess that's ok, one can't raise the bar too high, I suppose.
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