January 29, 2009
What Babies Do...
... is essentially put everything in their mouth.
See?
See?
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January 28, 2009
Top Chef: New York - Super Bowl Party!
Top Chef! WOOOO!!!!
Tonight, we're hoping that Bug Eyes goes home. I've been telling everyone all week that Bug Eyes goes home this week, Snapper is next week, then Fabio, then Blondie. That leaves Lezzie and Hosea to get their asses handed to them by Stefan, the clear champ.
Bug Eyes is fretting over how her resume could have failed her in this competition.
Leah is backpedaling on the making out with Hosea. Whatever. I was over it before she was.
Stefan is bragging because he's the boss of this show.
The Quickfire challenge involves some sort of protracted football thing that I do not care to describe.
This challenge is stupid. It's a Quaker Oats challenge and Bug Eyes is buggin' because she eats oats all the time. I worry for her digestive tract. That's just a lot of activity.
Lezzie is doing coconut shrimp and oats.
Hosea is doing a wienersnitzel.
Blondie is committing a violent crime against chicken.
Stefan is doing something that is bound to be awesome.
Snapper is doing um... snapper. And she still doesn't know how to filet.
Carla is apparently a genius about oats.
Fabio is doing something that just looks flat out insane with eggplant.
Stefan's bit looks awesome. Fabio's food is openly mocked and he gets upset. Bug Eyes makes a vegetarian orgy that actually looks kind of good. Lezzie's food does not look good. Hosea made veal and it looks OK. Snapper just loves bacan, so she made something like soup. Blondie made grits and about a thousand other things.
Snapper's plate gets dogged. Fabio's food is also yucky. And Blondie's plate doesn't work either.
Bug Eyes and Lezzie and Stefan all do well. Who won?
The chefs go somewhere to get a surprise and Fabio hopes it's a puppy, bless his heart. It's superbowl chef shirts.
Snapper starts planning her affair with Tom Brady. Good luck with that.
It's Top Chef Bowl!! And the new chefs have to cook against chefs from previous seasons. Lezzie says she's intimidated and I can't imagine why -- these people are the LOSERS of Top Chef.
So, the winner of the challenge gets to pick which team they will represent and who they'll cook against. Picking a team means using the regional ingredients for that team.
Fabio picks Brett Farvre's old team, Packers, and I get distracted thinking about Brett Farve. Mmmm... Fox!
And everyeone else picks their teams and get paired up with their competition. Then Sexy Padma tells them that anyone who loses their match is eligible to go home.
Lezzie is freaking out and Bug Eyes is rubbing it in her face because Bug Eyes is always freaking out. I think this is production propaganda. Lezzie ain't going home.
There's another lesbian in the competing chefs and I want Lezzie to go talk to her.
There's some dude who can't filet fish in the crowd and he's against Hosea, so Hosea thinks about making out with him.
There are toooo many characters in this episode for me to keep track of them.
Fabio is talking about monkey ass again. Why does he like monkey ass so much? He's on shaky ground and I start thinking that he is going to go home.
That Spaz from last season offers golden showers to everyone else and I start wondering if I'm watching Top Sexual Deviant and not Top Chef.
Stefan is paired up with a chef who got kicked off in the second episode of season two, so he thinks he's about to body slam her. Just to be safe, he tries to get her drunk, too.
Some people are acting crazy on this show and Fabio threatens to cut Spike. (You'll recall that's his real name and not a silly nickname that I gave him.)
Hosea is a wee bit delusional for thinking that this season's chefs are the best of all previous seasons.
Fabio is nearly incoherent, but I manage to hear a sob story about his mother and some medicine or something.
Carla meditates on the sofa and Stefan mocks her for it and seems to suddenly and mysteriously tune in to how that must seem to the rest of the world. It's not an attractive moment for him, this sudden self-awareness.
There's even an audience of people cheering for them as the cook and Padma looks really cute and sexy in a referee costume.
Snapper and Noodle lady are up against one another. Snapper's plate is boring. I think I like Noodle Lady's dish, but Snapper wins her match.
Score: 7 - 3
The scoring is kind of complicated.
Next up is Hosea and that guy who can't filet.
The guy who can't filet makes something a bit complicated. And Hosea makes some kind of roll that looks really delicious. Hosea gets a touchdown and then the field goal.
Score: 17 - 3
Spaz and Bug Eyes are up. Bug Eyes and Spaz. I can't get over it. There's a lot of really irritating talking going on.
Spaz makes something that looks yummy. And Bug Eyes makes a gumbo that looks good, too, except I don't like crawdads in the shell. Carla wins the touchdown but Spaz gets a field goal.
Score: 24 - 6
Stefan and the Loser Lady are up and Stefan is throwing game at her, too. Lezzie is gonna be jealous!
Loser Lady makes some kind of chili. Stefan makes a salad and some meat or something. Loser Lady's dish looks better to me. The judges are split evenly, but the audience gives all 10 points to Loser Lady. Stefan is shocked.
Hosea makes a rather extended monologue about sour grapes.
Score: 24 - 16
We're back from commercial and Lezzie is up against some cute girl. Lezzie's plate sounds strange to me, but so does Cutie's. The judges are split on this one again, but the fans vote to give the 10 to Lezzie.
Score: 34 - 16
Blondie and Other Lezzie are both making a ceviche. (I'm not a fan of ceviche.) Blondie seems surprisingly together this time. The judges like Other Lezzie and so does the audience, so she gets all 10.
Score: 34 - 26
Fabio heads out to compete against Spike. I think Fabio will lose because Spike is really good. Spike's plate looks so creative and delicious! I love venison. Fabio's looks boring to me. The Judges like Spike, but the crowd likes Fabio.
The final score is close: 37 - 33. The home team wins barely.
On the chopping block are Blondie, Stefan, and Fabio.
Fabio deserves to go home before Blondie and the preview looks very exciting because Fabio argues with the guest judge.
Snapper rubs it in Stefan's face that he lose to Loser Lady.
The judges go over the winners' dishes and it's a boring conversation.
So, who won?
So, the losers are called in.
Fabio lies to Tom and says that his venison was medium rare when it hit the plate, but everyone agrees it was way overcooked. He may or may not know that Tom is a rockstar with game. The guest judge lays a verbal slapdown on Fabio for being a total dip.
Stefan is criticized for being boring and Tom calls him out for picking Loser Lady because he thought she'd be weak.
Blondie is really flustered because he felt like his dish was stronger, more sophisticated. I think he's just flat-out embarassed.
The judges are harping on Stefan's salad and Padma actually calls is "abominable." WOW.
But he can't go home.
Fabio's argumentativeness is probably going to bite him.
And Blondie's dish really kind of just gets passing treatment.
At the end, it looks like Fabio is heading out after all. I didn't time my DVR right, so I have to sit through the commercial to find out if I'm right.
And next week there's some kind of French chef guy and someone makes something REALLY bad.
Tonight, we're hoping that Bug Eyes goes home. I've been telling everyone all week that Bug Eyes goes home this week, Snapper is next week, then Fabio, then Blondie. That leaves Lezzie and Hosea to get their asses handed to them by Stefan, the clear champ.
Bug Eyes is fretting over how her resume could have failed her in this competition.
Leah is backpedaling on the making out with Hosea. Whatever. I was over it before she was.
Stefan is bragging because he's the boss of this show.
The Quickfire challenge involves some sort of protracted football thing that I do not care to describe.
This challenge is stupid. It's a Quaker Oats challenge and Bug Eyes is buggin' because she eats oats all the time. I worry for her digestive tract. That's just a lot of activity.
Lezzie is doing coconut shrimp and oats.
Hosea is doing a wienersnitzel.
Blondie is committing a violent crime against chicken.
Stefan is doing something that is bound to be awesome.
Snapper is doing um... snapper. And she still doesn't know how to filet.
Carla is apparently a genius about oats.
Fabio is doing something that just looks flat out insane with eggplant.
Stefan's bit looks awesome. Fabio's food is openly mocked and he gets upset. Bug Eyes makes a vegetarian orgy that actually looks kind of good. Lezzie's food does not look good. Hosea made veal and it looks OK. Snapper just loves bacan, so she made something like soup. Blondie made grits and about a thousand other things.
Snapper's plate gets dogged. Fabio's food is also yucky. And Blondie's plate doesn't work either.
Bug Eyes and Lezzie and Stefan all do well. Who won?
The chefs go somewhere to get a surprise and Fabio hopes it's a puppy, bless his heart. It's superbowl chef shirts.
Snapper starts planning her affair with Tom Brady. Good luck with that.
It's Top Chef Bowl!! And the new chefs have to cook against chefs from previous seasons. Lezzie says she's intimidated and I can't imagine why -- these people are the LOSERS of Top Chef.
So, the winner of the challenge gets to pick which team they will represent and who they'll cook against. Picking a team means using the regional ingredients for that team.
Fabio picks Brett Farvre's old team, Packers, and I get distracted thinking about Brett Farve. Mmmm... Fox!
And everyeone else picks their teams and get paired up with their competition. Then Sexy Padma tells them that anyone who loses their match is eligible to go home.
Lezzie is freaking out and Bug Eyes is rubbing it in her face because Bug Eyes is always freaking out. I think this is production propaganda. Lezzie ain't going home.
There's another lesbian in the competing chefs and I want Lezzie to go talk to her.
There's some dude who can't filet fish in the crowd and he's against Hosea, so Hosea thinks about making out with him.
There are toooo many characters in this episode for me to keep track of them.
Fabio is talking about monkey ass again. Why does he like monkey ass so much? He's on shaky ground and I start thinking that he is going to go home.
That Spaz from last season offers golden showers to everyone else and I start wondering if I'm watching Top Sexual Deviant and not Top Chef.
Stefan is paired up with a chef who got kicked off in the second episode of season two, so he thinks he's about to body slam her. Just to be safe, he tries to get her drunk, too.
Some people are acting crazy on this show and Fabio threatens to cut Spike. (You'll recall that's his real name and not a silly nickname that I gave him.)
Hosea is a wee bit delusional for thinking that this season's chefs are the best of all previous seasons.
Fabio is nearly incoherent, but I manage to hear a sob story about his mother and some medicine or something.
Carla meditates on the sofa and Stefan mocks her for it and seems to suddenly and mysteriously tune in to how that must seem to the rest of the world. It's not an attractive moment for him, this sudden self-awareness.
There's even an audience of people cheering for them as the cook and Padma looks really cute and sexy in a referee costume.
Snapper and Noodle lady are up against one another. Snapper's plate is boring. I think I like Noodle Lady's dish, but Snapper wins her match.
Score: 7 - 3
The scoring is kind of complicated.
Next up is Hosea and that guy who can't filet.
The guy who can't filet makes something a bit complicated. And Hosea makes some kind of roll that looks really delicious. Hosea gets a touchdown and then the field goal.
Score: 17 - 3
Spaz and Bug Eyes are up. Bug Eyes and Spaz. I can't get over it. There's a lot of really irritating talking going on.
Spaz makes something that looks yummy. And Bug Eyes makes a gumbo that looks good, too, except I don't like crawdads in the shell. Carla wins the touchdown but Spaz gets a field goal.
Score: 24 - 6
Stefan and the Loser Lady are up and Stefan is throwing game at her, too. Lezzie is gonna be jealous!
Loser Lady makes some kind of chili. Stefan makes a salad and some meat or something. Loser Lady's dish looks better to me. The judges are split evenly, but the audience gives all 10 points to Loser Lady. Stefan is shocked.
Hosea makes a rather extended monologue about sour grapes.
Score: 24 - 16
We're back from commercial and Lezzie is up against some cute girl. Lezzie's plate sounds strange to me, but so does Cutie's. The judges are split on this one again, but the fans vote to give the 10 to Lezzie.
Score: 34 - 16
Blondie and Other Lezzie are both making a ceviche. (I'm not a fan of ceviche.) Blondie seems surprisingly together this time. The judges like Other Lezzie and so does the audience, so she gets all 10.
Score: 34 - 26
Fabio heads out to compete against Spike. I think Fabio will lose because Spike is really good. Spike's plate looks so creative and delicious! I love venison. Fabio's looks boring to me. The Judges like Spike, but the crowd likes Fabio.
The final score is close: 37 - 33. The home team wins barely.
On the chopping block are Blondie, Stefan, and Fabio.
Fabio deserves to go home before Blondie and the preview looks very exciting because Fabio argues with the guest judge.
Snapper rubs it in Stefan's face that he lose to Loser Lady.
The judges go over the winners' dishes and it's a boring conversation.
So, who won?
So, the losers are called in.
Fabio lies to Tom and says that his venison was medium rare when it hit the plate, but everyone agrees it was way overcooked. He may or may not know that Tom is a rockstar with game. The guest judge lays a verbal slapdown on Fabio for being a total dip.
Stefan is criticized for being boring and Tom calls him out for picking Loser Lady because he thought she'd be weak.
Blondie is really flustered because he felt like his dish was stronger, more sophisticated. I think he's just flat-out embarassed.
The judges are harping on Stefan's salad and Padma actually calls is "abominable." WOW.
But he can't go home.
Fabio's argumentativeness is probably going to bite him.
And Blondie's dish really kind of just gets passing treatment.
At the end, it looks like Fabio is heading out after all. I didn't time my DVR right, so I have to sit through the commercial to find out if I'm right.
And next week there's some kind of French chef guy and someone makes something REALLY bad.
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January 22, 2009
Metro Gnomes, Metric Gnomes, Imperial Gnomes, and Hermapho Gnomes
This conversation on Get Fuzzy is absolutely killing me. It's HILARIOUS!
Satchel is so cute and thoughtful! (He's the dog.)
Satchel is so cute and thoughtful! (He's the dog.)
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January 21, 2009
Tell Me, Baby. Do You Like it Like This?
ZOMFG!! This commercial made me so happy!
I wish I could have been there to dance with them!
I wish I could have been there to dance with them!
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January 12, 2009
Goo Guppies on Stage
Inspector posted this in comments and it cracked me up, so you get to see it here:
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January 07, 2009
Top Chef! Back from the Holidays!
I couldn't write a play-by-play of tonight's episode because I was trying to troubleshoot the tip jar.
But here's the basics:
Hosea made fiery vomit for the sugar-free dessert quickfire challenge.
Fabio didn't like the guest judge for the quickfire challenge, though, because he's French and Fabio is Italian. It doesn't think it's possible that maybe he's seen the show and knows that Fabio is a mediocrity with a cute accent.
Lezzie made something COMPLETELY wrong.
Eugene made banana churros.
Blondie made something really good.
It wasn't good enough, though, because...
So, for the main challenge, the chefs are allowed to cook whatever they want. It's a blind tasting, though, so the judges don't know who did what.
The surprise test is that the chefs have to eat the food that they all just cooked. This is TOTALLY AWESOME.
The new judge who is replacing Gail is named Toby and dude is a bitch. You can just tell. So, it's going to be effing awesome.
Radhika's soup is described as a "weapon of mass destruction" by Toby and Stefan says it just goes completely against his tastebuds. See? Off the hook. This is good television.
Hosea's halibut was not so good, but people liked his veggies. Toby tries an insult that probably works better across the pond.
Lezzie's scallops were roundly loved.
Fabio's undercooked lamb wasn't good, but his pasta was called "perfect."
Eugene's dish made this episode's previews. Toby called it "the bland leading the bland."
Bangs McGee's dish was described by Toby as "cat food." I've had cat food and unless they're doing something radically different in Britain, that is not a compliment. At all.
Group 2 goes and Blondie is making more dishes than everyone. Mistake.
No Name is making something she's never made before. Mistake.
Stefan is making something with cabbage. It's a pretty purple.
Jersey is making something that looks stupid because she's stupid. I can't call it a mistake because I think that's what she means. Stupid.
Bug Eyes makes something with scallops that is layered with love. Completely for free. Love. Yeah. You can only get that from a top chef. Well, apparently, love tastes like garlic and people hate when there's too much love. Lezzie is like, "Lesbian love tastes WAY better."
Stefan is going to have sex with Tom because he likes his dish so much.
Toby likes Blondie's sorbet, but Tom hates the whole thing, calling it "not a dish. It's a collection of hors d'oveurs."
Jersey's dish is apparently good.
I think I missed one, but I'm not rewinding again. Oh yeah, it was that No Name girl's dish. I don't remember what they said.
Toby is generally impressed with the chefs' performance, proving that he's not a total douche.
Bangs McGee thinks she shouldn't go home because she thinks the idea of her dish was great even though it sucked when she pooped it out onto a plate.
Top three is Stefan, Lezzie, and Jersey.
I am praying that the only reason Jersey is here is because the judges are luring her into position for a really sweet sniper target. What is up with her hair tonight? Is that a cat?
Since she made it through judging, I can only think that she was supposed to stand in a different spot in line.
The bottom three are Bangs McGee, Bug Eyes, and Eugene.
All three of these people need to be cut and we already know they're cutting two. I kind of want Bangs McGee to stay because I like calling her "Bangs McGee."
Bug Eyes says her scallops sucked but defends it saying something about not being a good dancer.
Bangs McGee says she learned an important lesson from this competition: make something good next time. Wise words, indeed. But then she makes a fatal mistake and says that she didn't think it was that bad. That's how you know it was TERRIBLE. It probably tasted like a dog turd floating in that juice that leaks out of garbage trucks when they stop pointing uphill.
Eugene says he's just crazy and that's how he rolls.
The judges deliberate and Toby says he thinks Eugene should stay because he likes crazy little fellas.
Toby hates Bug Eyes and Bangs McGee because he says they are little better than thrashing about in the kitchen and they are a danger to themselves and others. Ok, he didn't say that, but I could see it in his eyes. I could see it in his soul.
Am I the only one who thinks Toby is kind of cute in a weird way? Anyone? Anyone? Ok, it's just me and I'm fine with that.
And there you have it!
But here's the basics:
Hosea made fiery vomit for the sugar-free dessert quickfire challenge.
Fabio didn't like the guest judge for the quickfire challenge, though, because he's French and Fabio is Italian. It doesn't think it's possible that maybe he's seen the show and knows that Fabio is a mediocrity with a cute accent.
Lezzie made something COMPLETELY wrong.
Eugene made banana churros.
Blondie made something really good.
It wasn't good enough, though, because...
So, for the main challenge, the chefs are allowed to cook whatever they want. It's a blind tasting, though, so the judges don't know who did what.
The surprise test is that the chefs have to eat the food that they all just cooked. This is TOTALLY AWESOME.
The new judge who is replacing Gail is named Toby and dude is a bitch. You can just tell. So, it's going to be effing awesome.
Radhika's soup is described as a "weapon of mass destruction" by Toby and Stefan says it just goes completely against his tastebuds. See? Off the hook. This is good television.
Hosea's halibut was not so good, but people liked his veggies. Toby tries an insult that probably works better across the pond.
Lezzie's scallops were roundly loved.
Fabio's undercooked lamb wasn't good, but his pasta was called "perfect."
Eugene's dish made this episode's previews. Toby called it "the bland leading the bland."
Bangs McGee's dish was described by Toby as "cat food." I've had cat food and unless they're doing something radically different in Britain, that is not a compliment. At all.
Group 2 goes and Blondie is making more dishes than everyone. Mistake.
No Name is making something she's never made before. Mistake.
Stefan is making something with cabbage. It's a pretty purple.
Jersey is making something that looks stupid because she's stupid. I can't call it a mistake because I think that's what she means. Stupid.
Bug Eyes makes something with scallops that is layered with love. Completely for free. Love. Yeah. You can only get that from a top chef. Well, apparently, love tastes like garlic and people hate when there's too much love. Lezzie is like, "Lesbian love tastes WAY better."
Stefan is going to have sex with Tom because he likes his dish so much.
Toby likes Blondie's sorbet, but Tom hates the whole thing, calling it "not a dish. It's a collection of hors d'oveurs."
Jersey's dish is apparently good.
I think I missed one, but I'm not rewinding again. Oh yeah, it was that No Name girl's dish. I don't remember what they said.
Toby is generally impressed with the chefs' performance, proving that he's not a total douche.
Bangs McGee thinks she shouldn't go home because she thinks the idea of her dish was great even though it sucked when she pooped it out onto a plate.
Top three is Stefan, Lezzie, and Jersey.
I am praying that the only reason Jersey is here is because the judges are luring her into position for a really sweet sniper target. What is up with her hair tonight? Is that a cat?
Since she made it through judging, I can only think that she was supposed to stand in a different spot in line.
The bottom three are Bangs McGee, Bug Eyes, and Eugene.
All three of these people need to be cut and we already know they're cutting two. I kind of want Bangs McGee to stay because I like calling her "Bangs McGee."
Bug Eyes says her scallops sucked but defends it saying something about not being a good dancer.
Bangs McGee says she learned an important lesson from this competition: make something good next time. Wise words, indeed. But then she makes a fatal mistake and says that she didn't think it was that bad. That's how you know it was TERRIBLE. It probably tasted like a dog turd floating in that juice that leaks out of garbage trucks when they stop pointing uphill.
Eugene says he's just crazy and that's how he rolls.
The judges deliberate and Toby says he thinks Eugene should stay because he likes crazy little fellas.
Toby hates Bug Eyes and Bangs McGee because he says they are little better than thrashing about in the kitchen and they are a danger to themselves and others. Ok, he didn't say that, but I could see it in his eyes. I could see it in his soul.
Am I the only one who thinks Toby is kind of cute in a weird way? Anyone? Anyone? Ok, it's just me and I'm fine with that.
And there you have it!
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