August 19, 2005
I should warn you, though, not all of these jokes he tells are funny.
The couples who had not been to church in a while came to the pastor and asked to be allowed back into the congregation. The pastor thought about it and said, "You guys have been backsliding for years. I really don't think I can just let you back in to the fold without some test of your commitment to faith. So, I would like you to abstain from sex for the next 30 days."
Thirty days pass and the couples return to meet with the pastor.
"So, how did you guys do?" the pastor asks the first couple.
"It was fine. We abstained for the whole 30 days."
"How did you do it?" he asked with some incredulity.
"Well, you see, we live in a small one room apartment," the husband said, "So, I invited the mother-in-law over to stay with us for the month. Since she was sleeping on the couch not six feet away, we had to behave."
"That's very clever! I will let you rejoin the congregation," said the pastor. "So, couple number 2, how did you guys do?"
"It was difficult but we abstained for the whole 30 days."
"So, how did you manage it?"
"Well," said the wife, "I travel for about two weeks out of every month for my job. This month, I just stayed on the road for the full 30 days."
"Oh! Well, I'm sure you missed each other dearly. Welcome back to the flock," smiled the kindly preacher-man. "Well, were you also able to abstain for the full month?"
"Well, pastor, I'll be honest, we only made it for about 25 days or so. The misses dropped a can of peas and when she bent to pick it up, I just couldn't contain my excitement."
"Oh. That is a shame. I'm sorry I can't invite you back into the church," frowned the pastor.
"That's ok. We're not allowed back at Kroger, either."
August 10, 2005
I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that they are gone and I don't believe they will come back.
Thanks for everyone who has passed on ideas for luring them back.
August 01, 2005
I didn't think much of it because animals, being animals, usually just come back home.
Well, I haven't seen them since.
I'm a bit worried because there is a busy highway not too far from my house and I do live in the boonies where there are wild creatures.
July 03, 2005
Ok. The kittens turned 10 weeks yesterday. They're learning some manners, but they still get pretty rowdy.
After the whole poop-on-dad-while-he's-sleeping-and-hung-over incident, I asked them to please sleep in the bathroom near their litter box and that seems to have worked well. I also bought them another litter box and put it at the other end of the house and they like that, too.
So, they've been really good and last night I decided to try to let them sleep outside of the bathroom. Naturally, they climbed up on my bed and started biting my ears and attacking my hair. When they finally settled down to be quiet, they wanted to sleep right next to my head and before falling asleep they started purring so loudly that I am sure the neighbors were about to call the cops.
So, after about 2 hours of me not sleeping, I got up and put them in their bathroom. We might try the sleeping outside of the bathroom thing again tonight, but I will hopefully get to bed a little earlier so I can deal with all of that a little better.
Meanwhile, I was playing with the video feature on my camera and I have three videos of Squish and Doug to show you!
It's kind of like the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, minus the crazy names and magic and it's also sort of like Star Wars but the acting is better. Remember: Squish is the black one and Doug is the grey one. Squish decided that her primary job is to look hot and appeal to the 18 - 35 male crowd. Doug just wanted to make sure the action was good, so we called in Jet Lee to consult.
That's all. I'll stop talking. Just watch the videos.
The Grotto of Forbidden Desire (15Mb) - In which Doug and Squish discover a secret cave full of danger and treasures like gatorade bottle caps. The heroes have immediate chemisty, but there is trouble in paradise! How could such a beautiful woman be the enemy? How could a Greek god of a man be so pig-headed? The passion! The conflict! The giant foot and naked knee!
Squish Does Dallas (15Mb) - I'm still working on the title for this one, but it opens in a foreign land. (We actually filmed it on location in Burma where Squish adopted the first of what will probably be several Asian children. And when I say "adopted" I really mean "bought" because she does not have time for paperwork.) Anyway, Doug sees Squish in the arms of another man. A jealous fight breaks out between the two and they split up for a bit. Doug goes to confront the man and realizes that the other man is not important. Instead, he must confront the real issue: his feelings for Squish. They have another encounter, but Squish pushes him away. She wants him desperately and regrets that he saw her with that other guy. "He means nothing to me!" she cried. Now, there is nothing but silence. She watches Doug from afar and sighs, "No one ever told me being a spy would be easy."
Chicken-Flavored Skye Vodka (11Mb) - I used a Bourne-Supremacy-meets-Cops camera style in this one to reflect the inner turmoil our heroes are experiencing, so this one is a little more arty than the previous two. Very Kubrick. Our trilogy returns to the Grotto of Forbidden Desire only now our heroes are working out their differences. They both realize they are inextricably a part of one another's lives, but they don't know what that means because they don't speak the English that well yet because they're 10 weeks old. Give them a break! Also, how do they stop the plague of giant hands that threaten civilization? (See how I set it up for another sequel? That's good filmmaking right there.)
We still have some post-production work to do, and I have to compose the score, but I'm thinking this will be the summer blockbuster of 2006, 2007, and 2008.
June 11, 2005
If they were people a good ass-whupping would satisfy me that the issue has been addressed. They're just dumb little cats, though, so I actually have to put some energy into trying to figure out what conditions led to this behavior and make sure that those conditions do not arise.
Damned dry-clean only duvet covers.
June 09, 2005
I'm not opposed to the practice, but I didn't know that's exactly what it is.
And before the folks who are against the practice attack my site, I will assure you that for the moment I am going to attempt some alternatives. I'm starting with those little kittie press-on nails.
- Attack my socks.
- Attack my pants.
- Attack each other.
- Attack my shoes.
- Climb up the bedspread.
- Push things off the desk and night stands.
- Attack my feet.
- Attack my books.
- Attack batteries... and push them off of the desk.
- Attack my typing fingers...edgggggggggg and walk on the keyboard. (Holy crap! Squish almost typed the word 'edge!')
- Attack papers.
- Use the litterbox like good kitties.
- Attack the trashcan and tip it over.
- Ignore the toys I bought them.
- Attack the cords to my stereo.
- Follow me around the house.
- Mewl at me when they get lost in the house.
- Attack my rugs.
- Attack my chairs.
- Hide under things.
- Look adorable all the time.
Update: Doug did the cutest thing in the whole world at 4:30 this morning: he brought me two pieces of paper that he caught! He is such a proud little hunter.
June 08, 2005
The kitties arrived yesterday and they are so cute that I almost need to gouge my eyes out with a hot poker.
I decided to get two instead of one because I think two is better than one. This way, they can play with one another while I'm out. They're a boy and a girl. The girl is named Squish. She's the black one and the boy is named Doug. He's the gray one.
Squish is actually the more adventurous of the two, but here's a picture of Doug fighting to be the first on the scene of a disaster.
I had to put them in the tub because they were so excited when I got home that they ran all over the house and wouldn't sit still together long enough for me to take any good pictures. Putting them in the tub really didn't help, but it was worth a shot.
Squish totally thinks she's a tigress. She attacked my shoes today. Here she is prowling in my foyer.
Here's Doug caught in the act of something. He really only has two expressions. They are, "HOLY CRAP!" and "What?" Everything else is a gradation between the two. If HOLY CRAP! is a 10 and What? is a 1, what you see here is about a 4.
This is a 1. He spent all day yesterday (his first day at my house) at 10.
Here's Squish voguing. She's thinking right now, "It's a good thing that I am immeasurably fabulous at all times because you didn't tell me you had a camera. Otherwise, I would have torn your throat out by now. Kisses! Love ya! Mean it!"
So, just resign yourself to the fact that I have kitties now and I will undoubtedly blog about them from time to time.
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