November 16, 2003

Girly Stuff

On Friday, my company hosted a chili cook-off and I won a door prize. It is a sampler of Burt's Bees products.

I was tickled about it because what fun! Those folks over at Burt's Bees are so clever.

I got Burt's Bees Wild Lettuce Complexion Soap, Burt's Bees Garden Carrot Complexion Soap, Burt's Bees Orange Essence Facial Cleanser, Burt's Bees Avocado Butter Hair Treatment, Burt's Bees Coconut Foot Creme, Burt's Bees Garden Tomato Toner, Burt's Bees Vitamin E Body & Bath Oil (Don't know why this doesn't have a keen, hippy name.), Burt's Bees Beeswax Moisturizing Creme, Burt's Bees Citrus Facial Scrub, Burt's Bees Hand Salve, Burt's Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Creme, and of course, Burt's Bees Lip Balm.

I suppose that because Burt is no doubt a hippy himself PETA has nothing to say about him having bees pick coconuts. That's less than inefficient, that's just plain cruel. I'll bet they don't get paid minimum wage either. Burt's Bees might be a gigantic, transnational sweatshop for bees! But because I think you're allowed to do as you'd like with animals and I'm against minimum wages, I don't really care a whole lot about it. I only bring it up to illustrate the double-standard here. I digress.

So, there are no directions or descriptions on most of these products. Tickled though I am to have them, I have no idea what they are or do or how to use them. Most of them sound like I should eat them or put them on a lobster and eat it, or something.

So, if someone can help me with a few of these, that'd be great. Here are the ones I am unclear on:

  • Burt's Bees Garden Tomato Toner. It looks like water. It smells like my gramma's perfume and/or poison. I don't think it smells much like tomatoes. I don't think I should drink it or put it in my eye. The label says "for normal to oily skin." I think it's for my face, but I have no idea how to apply it or what results should I expect.
  • Burt's Bees Beeswax Moisturizing Creme. I know ladies like to wipe things all over themselves when they get out of the shower. Or maybe it's just for my hands. This little tiny package might contain enough of this substance moisturize my thumb. It looks like butter. It smells like powder. Again, I think not for eating or putting in the eyes. We all know that people should moisturize to fight premature signs of aging. And also, according to Neutrogena, (Or is it Oil of Olay?) to prevent gigantic alligators from walking over you while you're trying to make a TV commercial.
  • Burt's Bees Citrus Facial Scrub. Again with the tiny container. Looks like poo. Smells a little like ginger and oranges. I am not inclined to taste it. I think I know what this is for. I just wanted to tell you what it looks like.
  • Burt's Bees Hand Salve. If the moisturizer if for my hand, what's this for? It's in a tiny metal tin that I cannot easily open because it is tiny. It looks like it has dried up lemon donut filling in it. It smells like rosemary and blue star ointment. I also think this one should not be put directly onto your eyeball.
  • Burt's Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Creme. This is the one that sounds like I should put it on a lobster. I know what cuticles are but I don't know what this is supposed to do. Also, it doesn't seem to be packaged in such a way to make it easy to apply to your cuticles. Is it really just for your cuticles? That seems a little ridiculous.
  • Burt's Bees Coconut Foot Creme. It's in a little pouch that I'd have to tear open, so I can't smell it or see it. I really shouldn't talk about my feet in polite company. Am I really supposed to put this on my feet? What for? What will this do to me? I am a little concerned about putting things on my feet that may make them too slippery to perform their primary function of propelling me across the floor.
I think Burt's Bees should put a little pamphlet in the sack to tell me about this stuff rather than leave me to guess about it. I am not a male who can be trusted to deal with goopy stuff effectively without some kind of guidance.

So, if there is anyone out there who can offer some insight, please help me lest I put an eye out.

If no one answers, then I will write to Jennifer about this one, too.

Posted by: Flibbertigibbet at 04:30 PM | Comments (4) | Add Comment
Category: About Flibby (old)
Post contains 787 words, total size 4 kb.

1 Gee, Trey, you're not very metro...

[Trey Givens responds] I think diagonal striped shirts are hideous, too.

THERE! I said it! I might as well be straight!

Posted by: J. Fielek at November 16, 2003 05:05 PM (7PjlO)

2 Whew--so many products, so little time. Let's see:

Burt's Bees Garden Tomato Toner: "Toner," sometimes also referred to as "astringent," is stuff you normally apply with a cotton ball after cleansing your face to help minimize your pores. Swab gently over forehead, nose, and chin especially (the infamous T-zone), avoiding eyes and lips. I dunno what Burt wanted to go and put tomatoes into it for--witch hazel is a perfectly serviceable all-natural astringent that's been around for eons and is also, like, $2.00 a bottle at the drug store or something fantastically cheap like that. But I digress. Moving right along . . .

Burt's Bees Beeswax Moisturizing Creme: Moisturizer is moisturizer is moisturizer. Likely for the face. Otherwise self-explanatory. Use it if you need it, toss it if you don't.

Burt's Bees Citrus Facial Scrub: All scrubs look like that. Does it have the little tiny granules to exfoliate your skin and bring out A Whole New You? Because if not, it's lame.

Burt's Bees Hand Salve: I think here I just wanted to say that use of the word "salve" where, ordinarily, "lotion" or "cream" (or "creme," as Burt seems to prefer) is kind of a new one on me, and I haven't decided yet whether I love it or hate it.

Burt's Bees Lemon Butter Cuticle Creme: Yes, possibly ludicrous. On the other hand, as someone currently sporting hideous ragged cuticles, it could be of benefit to some people out there. I would imagine it is applied with a Q-tip or orangewood stick.

Burt's Bees Coconut Foot Creme: Now we have reached a level of vanity to which I have not heretofore descended, so I can't really comment about this.

Finally, a point of which you certainly seem cognizant, but which still bears repeating:

NONE of these products go in your eyeballs.

Posted by: ilyka at November 17, 2003 07:32 AM (8hdBK)

3 You should definitely apply all this goop. That way you'll smell scrumptious, have silky soft skin, and have a better chance of Kate giving you a second look. Nothing worse than a man with rough cuticles.

Posted by: Harvey at November 17, 2003 09:03 AM (tJfh1)

4 And I'm thinking your ignorance of things skin-care-related sort of shoots down my theory of you actually being a fat-assed woman.


[Trey Givens responds] Maybe I'm actually a fat-assed woman with bad skin, horrid cuticles, and nasty feet...

Posted by: Harvey at November 17, 2003 09:05 AM (tJfh1)

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